MÄRCHEN

for weeks, sloane had been avoiding the feelings that were culminating in her chest. the amazing, terrifying, all consuming that her and lily created. she was content to bask in it, to quietly cherish what they had built up again. the last time they had let their feelings catch up to them, even for a few moments, it had all come crashing down. sloane hadn’t been willing to let go, to let vulnerability consume her. it was easy to hide in the shadow of her feelings, it always had been. but now, with lily’s hand gripping her arm and wide eyes staring back at her, she has to think fast. but thinking is the last thing sloane does. instead, she stands completely frozen, as if she’s been shocked. and in a way, she has. lily’s touch, as familiar as it always has been, is sending currents of electricity through her body. a familiar sensation burns through her, one that she’s always attributed to her heart beating out of her chest whenever lily laughs or their eyes linger for a few moments longer than necessary. within a second, sloane is closing the gap between and reaching out with a desperation that she would be embarrassed about if she had full control over herself.

for so long lily had been unsure how to classify whatever the hell had been evidently burning beneath the surface between the two of them for years now -- at first lily had written off the giddy twists her heart did everytime they’d intertwine fingers and whisper together, ignored the way they’d meet eachother in warm conversation in a way that made lily wish her whole life could be like this. she told herself she was just convenient she was there for sloane and that made her the most viable option for a confidant, someone to murmur to late at night when everything got to be too much. but as the years passed their feelings had seemed to grow together, throwing everything lily had buried beneath the surface into a tailspin she couldn’t quite work out. she’d always suspected there was a line the two of them wouldn’t be able to cross, one that meant they’d done something deeper than a stolen soft conversation when it was midnight and nothing had to be real. here on the stairs, sloane fully intertwined with her now, lily knew this was it, if they kept going there would be a life together neither of them could ever get back -- but as lily moved her hands to rest on her shoulders she thought maybe that was okay, maybe the two of them were made for something much bigger together anyway.

the tranquility that had settled between them, the mutual unspoken agreement that they had lived by for years, seemed as if it was gone before she was ready for it. they were both grown adults and really, lily should be able to see anyone she wants, wherever she wants. even if that person is a beautiful blonde and the place is her bedroom, in positions that look a little too close to her idea of a thursday night. it really shouldn’t matter but sloane felt a deep dread building in her stomach, sparking upwards and out, desperately trying to seek some outlet to release it. “i’ll just see you later,” she managed, settling all the supplies for an evening out of reach on the desk beside the door. a quick good-bye is thrown over her shoulder, moving as quickly as humanly possible out the door and onto the first stair, a hand raking through mussed waves.

this was so typical for everything in the lily and sloane universe, things were perfect, beyond perfect even -- hushed voices, whispers and shared secrets, all soft smiles and glances that they didn’t need to acknowledge because it was just part of who they were. and then something would smash and everything would be on its head. she supposed this was where it was all meant to fall away, sloane would leave and lily would let her go, they’d either lose touch or fall into some strange routine of pretending everything was fine. lily supposed she could stay frozen on her bed, tear her own heart out and leave it on the ground in the shallow hope that she could keep things loose and easy and comfortable at the expense of the way sloane’s lips and eyes and the way she smiled and how careful she was despite the way she spit out curses and tangled contractions and rough, affectionate insults. she could stay here on her bed, watch sloane go, indulge herself with the blonde at her side, saving a little of what they were -- and ruin everything they could be. lily sprung up, a hurried dismisal to her study partner, telling them she’d see them in class and then she was out on the landing, wrapping her hand loosely around sloane’s elbow, staring down at the way her fingers curled around her, her lungs constricting so fast and hard she briefly wondered if she was dying. “don’t go.” lily flinched, eyes closed in perparation for rejection. “please, don’t.”

time was flying past sloane —— weeks were soaring on by as if they had a mind of their own. classes had started again and sloane found an unusual solace in the commitment that school demanded. still, she found herself at the scott-roe household every few nights. a newfound homage to the countless nights that her and lily had shared in high school. they didn’t talk much about what it all meant but ever since the night that they had fallen into old habits, sloane had found that gravitational pull pulsing her towards lily. a particularly cold sunday night was no exception and sloane was clutching a bag bursting with the usual supplies ( junk food and classic horror movies ) and pushing lily’s bedroom door open without a second thought. “okay, i bought way too much guac so you’re ——” she cuts herself off as she notices an extra, unfamiliar figure perched on the end of lily’s bed ( her spot). “oh, i didn’t know you had company.” @lilyroe-scott

the past few weeks had felt like something out of a dream for lily, work had been good, she’d been good, had started taking classes at college for the first time -- everything had just felt like it was finally falling into place for her. of course, while some of that could be attributed to her newfound sense of motivation, most of it came from the now almost constant presence of sloane in her life. the years that they had missed out on over something so blissfully stupid were seemingly being filled in at light speed, curled up on lily’s bed laughing at nothing and everything as if they were the only two who even mattered anymore, dancing silently around making any sense of the situation they’d fallen back into for risk of everything coming undone. tonight there was no sloane, just lily and a new found friend, studying pushed aside in favour of joking around, until a familiar voice cut through them both. “oh. hey.” pathetically stammered. “um, i totally forgot to tell you i was studying tonight fuck -- you know we’re done so you can come in, just let us clear up.”

this was so reminiscent of their old days together that sloane almost felt like she was fifteen again. fearless and young and in love with her best friend but too scared to every say anything. maybe now it would be different, maybe in the morning light they could face each other. “maybe bali? fiji? dream big, lily roe. we’ve only got one dream vacation, we’ve got to make it count.”

“bali.” lily said softly, alert, instilled with the confidence that had bubbled up in her youth to actually look in sloane’s eyes as she spoke this time. “i like the idea bali. it’s meant to be beautiful.” like this, like you. words unspoken would always hang between the two of them but for the first time in a long time it really felt like that wasn’t a problem anymore, that maybe they were on the same page again.

“the kids laughed, that’s a good outcome.”

“kids will laugh at anything ty.”

all the confusion and ugliness that had reared its head, driving a wedge between them, was dissipating faster than sloane could have ever dreamed. and she had dreamed about it, more times that she would have liked to admit. she feels like this is all a dream and she’s scared to blink or even breathe and break the moment between them. “nice things sound a lot nicer coming from you.” she’s tempted to put her fingers to lily’s lips, to feel the same connection she had felt years ago. “where do you wanna go?”

this was how it was all supposed to be, soft and close and just like it had been since they’d first met. closer than anyone else they’d ever met, it was always meant to be her and sloane against the world and all those years they’d missed out on were finally being made up for in this moment. “only when i really mean them.” she wonders if that’s too soft, too tender for a wound that’s still open and fresh, but she holds fast and just lets herself sink into this shift. “as far away from here as possible. somewhere warm preferably.”

sloane doesn’t think she’s capable of thinking about anything scary right now. her mind is fluttering between the familiar warmth of lily beside her and the way her mother used to stroke the long hair that hung down between shoulder blades, promising a better life. “well, i think that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me.” her words are spilling out in something of a drawl, alcohol pushing her to silliness from days past. “you’d be a bird too, y’know. we could leave together. go somewhere warm.”

mere weeks ago this would have terrified lily, shaken her down to her core but here she is, soaking up the light radiating between the two of them. suddenly everything that was so frightening to her in the dark when she had nothing but her thoughts of the past to float around her mind is suddenly all she’s ever wanted. maybe that’s okay, maybe lily can just want and want and want and that can be okay. “maybe it is. you deserve to hear nice things y’know.” lily shrugged, feeling as if she was in a daze. “we still could. not too late.”

as good as you can imagine coming from me

i’m sure it was absolutely delightful for everyone involved.

I’ve been singing to justin bieber’s song for the past hour in full lungs. I don’t know if I should be ashamed or not. The kids were loving it anyway

How well were you singing it?

the alcohol, mixed with the heady sense that filled her whenever she was around lily, was finally hitting her bloodstream. unbidden thoughts and memories were flooding her mind and running along her tongue. they caught sloane so off the guard that she was almost prepared to open her mouth and let them fall between them, landing wherever they may. but she focused that onto fiddling with the soft strand of lily’s hair that she had caught between her finger tips gently — almost as if she made another move, this would disappear. “if i could go anywhere, be anything. i think i’d be a bird, y’know? so i could get out of here, fly away, never look back.”

sloane’s fingers are tangled in her hair, and she’s sure she can’t breathe, but who needs oxygen when you have this? when she can trace patterns across the back of sloane’s hand and shift her weight so her head is practically resting on the other girls shoulder. “haven’t you ever seen that hitchock film? birds are scary as hell.” lily mumbled softly. “i guess you could be one of the pretty ones though -- there are pretty birds right? yeah. whatever they are you’d be one of them.” she laughs softly, giddily as she thinks about sloane’s words, that feeling of getting out that lily had filled herself with for years, her travels never quite filling the hole tree hill had carved out in her. 

sloane swore to herself that if she was a little more sober, more capable of hanging onto her faculties in this current moment, this wouldn’t be happening. she would have held onto the small shred of mercy left from their fall-out and stayed far away. but that’s a lie and she knows it. any residual boundaries from all those years ago had melted away with lily’s tears streaking down her arms, mixing with blood in a way that made sloane’s stomach churn. lily’s words are meant to be a joke, a defence mechanism that’s familiar, but she can’t help but wince — words landing too hard in a place that was too tender. “’member how we always said we would run away the moment we were both 21?”

the stupid line that they’d been walking for years had been clear for so long, they were on opposing sides, never meant to cross into one another ever again. but history had a sick way of repeating itself and now there lily was, willing throwing herself across the line straight back into sloane’s firing line, she remembered the way their fight had made her feel, like she had blood in her mouth, and she felt it again -- yet this time she wished with all certainty that the blood in her mouth was sloane’s and she wanted it that way, that she could cling on to any part of her she was willing to offer. “better days backs then. we had plans. we were going places. we should of done it sooner.”

Tyler: ... I guess it makes sense?

Tyler: Not all country? What about idk Rascal Flatts?r

Lily: It does.

they were skating some sort of weird line that they had always carelessly crossed in the past. but stakes were higher this time — they weren’t kids anymore, they had to pay for the consequences of their actions. it wasn’t something sloane had ever been good at, hence their falling out, but she was trying. and that was enough, right? suddenly, shaking fingers were finding their way into hers and they gratefully curled around lily’s. it was putting some part of her mind at ease, in a way that she hadn’t expected, and she didn’t hate it. sloane was finding out that there were a lot of things about lily that she couldn’t hate even if she desperately wanted to. “alright, i’ll accept that. so, c’mon, i’m twenty one now. what are my rites of passage, other than the obvious?”

lily supposed some part of her should’ve expected the two of them to fall back like this, there was solace between the two of them that nobody else could ever give the two of them. sloane had always sat by her when she tried to put words to the sort of pressure that's always crowding out every single thought in her head. She's snuck her into her room on rough nights, nights when all she can say is I can't go back home over and over. She's held her hand under the table during dinners she gripped back so hard that her fingers started cramping. and now here they are, older, softer, quieter. hands still intertwined, worlds still crashing into one another. “you get closer to the sweet release of death?” lily choked out a laugh, before wincing slightly as she realised that probably wasn’t the best way to go between them. “i don’t think there are any.”