CtrAltEngineer

Quick update

I’m now 2/3 in the last semester of lectures of my masters. I am not attending courses because of work and I’m pretty behind with some of them.

This semester I’m taking four quite demanding courses. One is a practical course on developing a language model from scratch. Another is a CUDA (GPU) course. The third is about knowledge graphs and the fourth involves developing a product for a consulting company using only coding agents without writing any code.

After last semester ended I went on a pretty good Implementation streak of computer vision papers, making great visuals for my GitHub.

This semester’s common theme is procrastination. I spend more time putting off tasks than actually doing anything useful. I’m addicted to shorts and immediately reach for my phone to watch YouTube as soon as I wake up. This creates a cycle where I get too tired early and feel no motivation to work, simply reverting to procrastination. I spend entire weekends in this state. My mind is buzzing with thoughts but I can’t seem to put them into words.

I really want to lock in but this awful world has created all these tools to trap you, robbing you of your mental freedom. I think I’ll only keep Tumblr the only social media platform that doesn’t feel like the others.

I also want to keep this profile as a journaling tool, hoping others don’t feel helpless and realize they’re not the only ones going though.

I have finally done my first day at work. It was basically just admin stuff/onboarding but I really had a lot of fun. The job site is pretty far away, I have to commute at least a few hours every day but I think I will enjoy, especially considering that the weather is getting better and better and also the fact that I really like the company and the department I’m in. Of course, it’s a little bit different from what I expected but I guess that’s to be expected.

Tooday I had an exam but I didn’t attend it. I have had 4 days to study for it but I maybe studied 1 in total. I was not prepared and I’m not ashamed to say that this is only due to my procrastination issue. I literally picked up my Switch and played for 5 hours straight, even forgetting that I needed to eat. I have felt like this only once before. The good news is that this is rock bottom, work/productivity wise and therefore I can only go up from here. I did two exams, two projects and attended two credit-giving courses so I didn’t do too bad IMO but I could have definietely done better and avoided studying for the next month for the retake session.

Today I have a deadline for a group (more like a couple) project and I simply need to edit some text and suggest maybe some minor changes. I have been putting this off for like a full day but I have to do this before tonight. I think after publishing this I will do some remaining easy tasks and go back to working on this.

See you guys soon.

Something that really pisses me off is how universities basically have no real control over how AI is used, or over what students actually know anymore. The biggest issue is that it only takes one person to start using it, and suddenly everyone else is forced into it too. Not because they’re lazy, but because the system pushes them there. The chain is pretty obvious: you don’t use AI → you get worse grades because everything takes more time and effort → more stress, less time → worse job opportunities → worse salary → and overall a worse quality of life. This is something professors and universities seriously underestimate. Not everyone who uses AI does it because they don’t want to work. A lot of people are just trying not to fall behind. At some point you start asking yourself whether it’s even worth not using it just on principle. Nobody is giving out medals for refusing AI. You’re just making your own life harder in a system that doesn’t reward that choice. A common response is: “Well, in job interviews it’s obvious who actually knows what they’re doing.” Sure, sometimes. But if you got worse grades because you refused to use AI and therefore had less time to finish assignments, you often don’t even make it to the interview stage. Your CV gets filtered out long before anyone can see what you actually know. That’s why I think companies need to adapt too. Academic records still matter, obviously, but they shouldn’t be the whole story. There need to be better ways to test actual reasoning and understanding, instead of asking people to write code or assignments that are incredibly easy to fake anyway. Right now, the system rewards optimization, not knowledge, and pretending otherwise is just denial.

Woke up at 7:30 am, had a shower and now I'm getting ready to go to the library. I am not particularly looking forward to going cause it means I will need to have my nose glued to my iPad till 10 pm but these are the kind of little things you gotta do to be great.

I am incorporating the habit of reading in the morning, while I was my teeth, while I have breakfast and whatnot. I really enjoy it, as it means I don't spend time on my phone but it also slows me down so much. Like, breakfast used to take me 5-10 minutes and now it takes me 15-20. I know, I'm being dramatic. Time spent on books is time spent well, therefore I will try to make this habit stick.

The book I'm reading right now is the first of the saga of Red Rising. I'm almost halfway through the book and even though it's not an easy read, I really recommend it.

Wishing everyone a wonderful day, full of strength for your studies or whatever your endeavors might be.

I got the results for my last week's exam.

I passed, which is good.

I didn't get a high grade, which is not ideal.

The average was lower than what I got, which makes it slightly better.

When you're young you really care about others, like for example in high school, you believe that you are defined by the group. As you get older you realize that it's just YOU. If you apply for a job or somebody asks you what grade you got, you will respond with YOUR grade, not the class average.

Wednesday I got another exam, probably my penultimate before the break and the retake session. It's my Machine Learning exam and I've been putting a lot of working in during the course. I really want to pass it. I really want to get a good grade. Hopefully I will.

Unexpectedly, yesterday was a pretty good day. Even though I went to the library only after lunch, I was still able to study many hours and do what I needed to do.

My Machine Learning exam is close and I don’t have too many days left to study. I guess I will just live in the library for the time being :)

Wishing everyone a wonderful day!

Good morning everyone! Today officially marks the start of the exam season. I have my first exam at 2 pm. It's on advanced SE which is a bummer because it's all concepts and no coding. The content is huge and if I remember correctly it's multiple choice questions (there's multiple correct, need to choose all of them to get the point) and some open questions.

I am not 100% prepared but I don't think I'm in that bad of a situation. Maybe it's just human nature to overestimate oneself.

I’m in this constant state of burnout/dopamine addiction. I don’t feel like I want to talk about it but I’m gonna do it anyways, cause it helps.

I remember when I was doing my bachelors that I used to be able to study from 9 am until 7 pm with only an hour of brake, everyday, for five years. Now that I’m doing my Masters, I can’t really be focused for longer than 1 hour most of the times. I don’t know what’s gotten into me but this winter semester has been extra tough. It might be that I decided to do too many courses, it might be that the weather really makes me depressed (I only enjoyed a few days, when it snowed) or maybe the fact that I have started smoking again since the beginning of the semester.

Nowadays I simply wake up, check my phone, get hooked, lose my entire day just watching youtube, reddit or whatever. Some other days Im able to force myself to not touch it but even so, I cant really put in the work that I would like to put in. I work very hard for the first 1-2 days and then I go back to having no energy. I think some of this is due to the fact that I have been skipping breakfast for quite a while now.

The weird thing is, I used to be a straight A student, no joke. My mind used to be so f-ing strong. It just doesn’t make sense.

I was able in the end to get a job at this super high-end company but that only motivated me to work harder for just a few days, not much more.

One important thing that I have learned is that this kind of journaling on Tumblr is what has kept me sane last semester. Having somewhere to log my feelings and my thoughts is freeing and I will try my best to pick up this habit once again.

Tomorrow I got my first exam. Its not my first rodeo. I am “freaking out” cause I have not had much time to study and if I don’t feel 100% I don’t like doing things. I still need to go through the tutorials. I got a few hours tonight and tomorrow morning. Gonna give my best. Hopefully it goes well.

See ya soon everybody.

Going to visit my brother who lives four hours away because my parents are also visiting (they live in another state). This is what has happened so far:

• Ran from home to the station (1.5km) with an approx. 10kg bag.

• Sweated a lot, everybody kept staring.

• Waited on the rails at the station because there was “train traffic.” (I paid 70€ for this ticket...)

• Lost my connecting train and had to wait 20m (honestly, not too bad).

I have my first exam on Monday and today I only studied for around 2–3 hours. Tomorrow I’m hanging out with my family, so I won’t be able to study again until night.

Am I cooked? Probably.

The mind is a fragile place. It’s very easy to hurt and very hard to heal. Ive learned this hard truth during the last 7-8 years of my life. It is very hard for me to speak but I will try nonetheless.

I have never been a good student during my high school days. I would say at most average or at times, slightly above average. One summer my mentality changed and I became from one day to another an impressive student. When I got to university I was able to express myself. My motivation came from anger. I was angry at myself for the person I had let myself become during the years, somebody who could not rely on itself because of bad, very bad habits.

Even if my grades were insanely good, I realized something very quickly. My body and my mind were not as strong as those of those I was competing with in my mind. It was always seemed to me that these people always were ready to work hard, did not need any kind of rest and simple physical activities could heal them in an instant. I have always envied them. It is very hard for me to keep up with them. I am not sure why, but I tend to burn out very easily.

My motto, since becoming a good student has always been ‘change is good’. I have always been scared of changes, and I still am. I do not like going out of my comfort zone. I always try my best to change what I think is wrong with me.

Since I have moved to another country, one image I saw online and which I have saved on my phone, has particularly stuck with me. ‘If you keep carrying the same bricks, you will end up building the same house’. I am perfectly aware of why I failed in the past. I know the reasons and I try to mitigate them to the best of my abilities every single day. Even so, It is a hard task. For example, I try not to listen to songs which related to very obscure moments of my life. This is because they put me in states of mind which are not suited for students who are overachievers at very competitive universities. But my mind has self-destructive tendencies and I end up listening to them from time to time. This has a very negative impact on my mood and as a result I am not able to concentrate and I can not keep myself disciplined to do what I need to do, leading to losing the entire day depressing-procrastinating.

Recently I had both a technical and managerial interview for a company that has been a dream for me to work for. In my opinion, both went very well. Unfortunately I was told that this position might not be available anymore in a short period of time because of economical reasons. This has been on my mind for the last two days. I have skipped classes to prepare for these interviews and I have put a lot of effort and hope in them. Even if it was not an outright rejection, I have been having this bad feeling about it.

As a result of multiple factors, I have spent all of today simply watching anime, not going out of the house, not wanting to meet/speak with anybody.

I have been scared the whole day. I have been thinking that I am not good enough to get the job of my dreams. I have been constantly comparing myself with other people, comparing my almost non-existent achievements with their awesome resumes.

But then, during some moments of clarity I also think that high-school me or bachelors me would have sold a hand to be at the university and in the position I am in now.

This probably wont reach many people and most of all is a reminder for myself.

Everybody has their own strengths. Some do not manifest for a long time, while others might be useful on a daily basis. Just remember this:

- If you keep carrying the same bricks you will build the same house every time. Try and recognize what is going wrong in your life and try to make little changes, as bigger ones tend to make you feel worse than before.

- If you keep following other people, you will never be first. Stop comparing yourself with other people. Get rid of Instagram, LinkedIn or whatever might make you compare with others. Focus on improving every day so that you can say you are better than yesterday. If you compare yourself to others, your rate of growth will be zero. If you compare to yourself, you will grow more steadily.

The semester has barely started but I already feel overwhelmed. You already know the answer to this riddle. Working hard.

Work will work, when nothing else will work.

The semester has officially started and I am taking 6 courses. I am trying to study as much as possible, as early as possible, so that I won’t need to cram all information at the last second. I am going bouldering 2/3 times per week which is something I am really enjoying :)

Pretty tired. Almost finished the Machine Learning exercise sheet so I’m pretty proud. Now i gotta take care of the remaining 4 subjects which is not going to be easy. I got the whole weekend but I don’t want to spend doing only exercises so I gotta schedule either running or bouldering. Have a good night!

Today has been a very stressful day. Lots of stuff to do, lots to study and lots to learn yet. It might look hard now, but it will look even harder at the end of the semester if I don’t put in the work now. So, gotta push on the accelarator!

Today was honestly a pretty heavy day. I think I finally decided which courses to take. I got a taste of all of the electives and I think that they’re kind of doable. The problem will probably be Machine Learning, as it seems very heavy and they don’t really care about the workload of the students :(. Nonetheless, gotta work hard and keep going, as this is only the first week of the semester.