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Hollanov lie detector interview where Ilya begs beforehand to be allowed to ask every Rose Landry comparison heās ever been insecure about, and he totally plays it out like heās joking (heās not).
Shane is like no! Itās embarrassing! And this is public! And you wouldnāt make me actually do that to Rose would you? You know the answer, Iām gay!
Only Rose thinks the whole thing is hilarious and gives Shane the go ahead so thereās no real reason to resist Ilyaās begging anymore, still he holds out to the day before the interview.
āFine! Fine! You can ask about Rose, but I get to ask about anything I want too!ā And Ilyaās like yes yes of course my love. His boring Shane would hardly ask anything damning.
Fast forward to the day of the interview Shane is fondly exasperated with Ilyaās Rose questions, and Ilya is being a cocky bastard so happy with how it played out.
Until they switch sides and Shane breaks out his first question:
āIs it or is it not true that despite famously calling Scott Hunter āa nearly extinct fossilā you think heās hot?ā The blood drains from Ilyaās face pretty quickly after that.
āDo you think Hayden Pike is a good hockey player?ā
āDo you consider Hayden Pike a close friend?ā
āWho do you love more: me or Anya?ā
āBesides me who is your favorite teammate?ā
He gets so nervous all of his lies get caught, and by the end his asshole reputation is in shambles. Kip takes a video of Scott watching the interview and he laughs so hard he canāt even comment. It goes viral.
Dog years this, early dying grace that. Didnāt Rocky still get exposed to a high dose of radiation in the taumoeba leak incident? Like, more than he ever passively experienced on Erid in his entire life, period?
Give that rock cancer. Doomed queerplatonic relationship. They both die at the same time and Adrian turns the biodome into a museum to their sacrifice.
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Y'all ever think of what the person responsible for Rocky's voice bank must've felt when those videos finally got to earth? Imagine doing a voice acting gig for a bank voice on a computer or whatever that you eventually completely forget about, only for it to one day come back to you when the FIRST intellectual alien lifeform that a human being has ever met decides to use it as their chosen voice. The mild horror. The exhilaration. The emotional punch. This is it. This is your magnum opus. You have given a human voice to a sentient rock and it will NEVER get better than this. Also, they picked you over MERYL STREEP?!?!
in a reasonable canon, shane would simply have THEE most dependent and intimate relationship with the montreal team nutritionist. like, he has her on speed dial. they text multiple times per day. she spends 60% of her work hours adjusting meal plans for his texture issues and aversions. nobody else really sees how intense their connection is.
when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"
but i think we can probably convince melissa to move to ottawa with him, don't worry.
Ilya calls it his Collection. Shane calls it Embarassing, Ilya, Come On.
Whether it's a TikTok, a blurry street pic, a keyboard-smash-filled tweet about Shane's shoulders in a tank top post-workout in the queue at a coffee shop, a Craigslist Missed Connections post, or, one time, a literal fucking newspaper clipping from the Ottawa Citizen newspaper's Classifieds section, Ilya wants every last instance of someone thirsting after his husband so bad they enlisted the help of the public to find him.
It doesn't actually irritate Shane, he establishes this early on and checks in occasionally just to be sure, so he feels free to go hog wild with it whenever it happens.
He posts a video stitching the TikTok of him sitting down next to Shane on the sofa and laying his head on his shoulder. Without mentioning that this is Shane Hollander, he just starts to list Shane Hollander's Cup wins, awards, accolades, career stats, some random off-ice skills (he can parallel park any vehicle on the planet and his paella would make you cry), and then ends by grabbing Shane's startled but amused face, saying, "This is the guy," kissing him playfully on the mouth, and finishing with, "He's mine. Fuck off."
He reposts the blurry street picture in a carousel along with several perfectly lined up selfies showing they're in the exact same spot. In all of them he is kissing a blushing (but smiling) Shane's cheek, and in the final one their wedding rings are held up in the foreground. Caption: "Mine mine mine."
He retweets the keyboard-smash tweet with a series of dual gym selfies showing off Shane's shoulders and arms and torso (and his own), and then a final one of them sipping coffee from the same shop together on a walk, holding hands. The tweet reads: "He benches more than I weigh, his grip strength literally cannot be measured by science, and he carried the lame fucking Metros to three Cup wins on those shoulders. #husbandgoals #lookdonttouchbitches #mine
He posts his own Missed Connection, looking for the only person in Ottawa who doesn't know who the fuck Shane Hollander is and who the fuck he's married to.
He takes out a full-page ad in the Citizen to gush about Shane (and technically to advertise the upcoming Ottawa hockey camps, yes fine Yuna) and the final line is, "To anyone who thinks they may be looking for him, I found him first. Haha, sorry not sorry."
It's after the last one that Jackie sends him an email that starts the biggest quest of his life.
The email's only contents are a screenshot of a tweet dated February of 2011, in Quebecois French. The translation is that the poster saw the cutest kinda-dorky-but-built guy in a Metros hoodie in what used to be Shane's old grocery store, and if hockey players looked like that than they might watch a game once in awhile. The subject line of the email just reads: "This used to happen like once a week, btw."
And so begins Ilya's internet campaign to find every last historical instance of Shane being thirsted after - and, with gleeful irony, he enthusiastically enlists the public's help in finding them.
Shane retweets his all-caps call for aid with a picture of Ilya beaming at his phone as the first ones start coming in. Caption: "Whatever makes him happy, I guess. ā¤ļø #alsomine"
āØšāØ
Masterlist of my Tumblr drabble lore drops for Hollanov and HR is here. š„°
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because we make fun of shaneās tuna melt breakdown so much but if someone pulled this massive change with me i would also run away and get a hot girlfriend
starting a new book with more second-hand embarrassment to come! again, reblogging every time it happens. will share the titleā¦at the end! this one is easier to guess i think (itās a hockey romance)
ewwwwww stop being so awkward my least favorite thing in books is when characters are like me in the worst ways which is why i prefer ilya to shane because shane is like me in the bad awkward embarrassing ways and ilya is like me in the mean mean mean ways and i prefer mean mean mean to bad awkward embarrassing. i will definitely write this out in a better way in like a mini-essay type post bc itās interesting to me
starting a new book with more second-hand embarrassment to come! again, reblogging every time it happens. will share the titleā¦at the end! this one is easier to guess i think (itās a hockey romance)
ewwwwww stop being so awkward my least favorite thing in books is when characters are like me in the worst ways which is why i prefer ilya to shane because shane is like me in the bad awkward embarrassing ways and ilya is like me in the mean mean mean ways and i prefer mean mean mean to bad awkward embarrassing. i will definitely write this out in a better way in like a mini-essay type post bc itās interesting to me
starting a new book with more second-hand embarrassment to come! again, reblogging every time it happens. will share the titleā¦at the end! this one is easier to guess i think (itās a hockey romance)
ewwwwww stop being so awkward my least favorite thing in books is when characters are like me in the worst ways which is why i prefer ilya to shane because shane is like me in the bad awkward embarrassing ways and ilya is like me in the mean mean mean ways and i prefer mean mean mean to bad awkward embarrassing. i will definitely write this out in a better way in like a mini-essay type post bc itās interesting to me
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
starting a new book with more second-hand embarrassment to come! again, reblogging every time it happens. will share the titleā¦at the end! this one is easier to guess i think (itās a hockey romance)
dededos
janainaart
areudirty
blakekathryn
stormborns
ellievsbear
