You just know when someone's energy is changing. Whether it's towards you, life, their energy in general. You can feel it. You know it.
I think these changes should have been made prior to making making the biggest decision of my life.
Because, in reality, its not something that's been experienced before hand and The one thing I said I never wanted to be, I've become. There is absolutely no way out of it or even around it. I understand. I'm not stupid. That doesn't mean I can't feel something though.
It's quite degrading. To become the one thing I said I'd never succumb to, the useless shit that has no idea what's going on outside in the real world other than when I'm accompanied. My fault mainly, I push everyone away. I have 3 people making the effort for me and I just dont do it back because of my weird ass stupid issues. Its only a matter of time before they give up too. I'm starting to become okay with being a loner these days. I've pretty much forgotten how to socialise anyway.
I'm in a weird situation. One I do not have any control over at all. I'm super happy to be moving in with my mum though as I think I'll find myself a bit more there again. Childhood and all that. Closer to home. Less of a constant dark mind wondering whether if I even want to wake up at all. Its funny how my anxiety has gone from health anxiety and panic over it, to feeling so angry with feeling unwell 24/7 and my mind becoming unwell with it that sometimes I find myself wondering if I even want to be here at all, just moments of these thoughts. Don't panic. I'm not suicidal. Yet😂.
The minute I feel angry and out of control lately which is extremely often because I'm finding I have so little control in my world right now I just take it out on myself. Like I cant allow myself to feel it, so I stop it and feel it elsewhere instead. Now I'm stuck being unable to be seen naked for probably weeks, probably longer as its a common occurrence recently. I guess that's what 'outfits' could be for, 'disguise'.
I find myself using tumblr late to express myself when my minds going at 1000mph and I'm too tired to sit up and write in my journal so I write here instead.
Like an outlet before bed. Maybe if I write it, I'll think and feel it less. I guess this is my own mind telling me we aren't okay but we are. I'm not happy. I should be, but I'm not. I laugh and smile and feel it but I don't feel feel it. I can't remember the last time I felt giddy and happy. True happy. Like my world didn't feel so dark like I have to physically force myself awake, drag my body just to function. Feel really low constantly and have snippits of feeling good, then realising it was just a slight 'manic' episode and hit a low again when I realise days later I couldn't afford that massive purchase I made via some sort of klarnac/clear pay shit, in the moment it feels like I could find the money anywhere and everywhere then a day or two later I'm like oh shit. And oh yeah, this common occurrences of ups and downs and impulsive behaviours make sense now since I found out was diagnosed with bpd at the age of 17! Long story but now my mind makes more sense. I guess. 😂 Anyway, I miss that light, energetic, happy feeling. Like the cover being lifted from your eyes and waking up actually being excited for the day. No anxiety. No stress. No dark thoughts. No dread. True happiness. True laughter. Real smiles.
Hopefully, soon. I can't handle much more of this.
