cryptaesthetics

on the rooftops

feet dangling below

the familiar ground

[why oh why

is everything so small

from up above?]

well, dear child,

we must learn

that no matter the distance;

we will always be

that tiny

in the larger picture

caught atop

the barbed wire fence

i should never

have gone this far

but i have yet

to find my way

back down

to have a break

from the sunlight

and bask in the

cooler atmosphere

presented to us

by the clouds above

objects in the mirror

may be closer

than they appear

imminent danger

looms unknowingly

until the very

last moment

the weight of each scale

finally equivalent

pieces of the puzzle

begin to fit

each particle

of dust

finally settling

into place

that my newfound spark

would erupt into wildfire

and tear down the village?

that self mutilation

is the only way

that i feel whole—

no amount of reparation

can fix the pain

inside of my heart;

therefore i make sure

that the wounds created

on the outside

outweighs my inner afflictions

of this empty skeleton

i have sold my soul

for nickels

dimes

and pennies

just to get by

day by day

i do not know

how much longer

i can do this

once a faint hum in the distance

turning to a constant vexation

creeping closer to my auditory range

taking the wheel from my hands

and driving me off of the brink

of insanity

this post is very personal && extremely long so please keep scrolling if you don’t want to read it.

five years ago i fell into a spiraling downfall of substance abuse and trying to find ways to cope with the fact that i knew i had mental disorders, but they remained untreated because i was too scared to ask for help. i felt like everyone would look at me differently if they knew of the issues i had been trying so hard to hide from the outside world. i began self harming and developed anorexia and forced myself to believe that it was normal human behavior, but in the back of my mind i knew that it was not. i drove myself insane day after day and acted like i had everything perfectly pieced together. i began drinking heavily because i wanted to finally feel just genuinely content. i thought that it was the only way out of the shadows that have come from the darkness, swallowing me whole and sending me into Alice’s wonderland. for once, i felt nothing... nothing at all.

four years ago i first attempted to end my life for the first time. i had attempted before but they were more or less just subtle cries for help. i mixed benzodiazepines with alcohol knowing how horrible this was for the body, but it only made me sick. there i was— wondering how the fuck it was possible that i couldn't even kill myself right. i was laying down, making a bed on the floor of rock bottom.

three years ago i dabbled with different drugs with a couple friends just for shits and giggles. it was a sensation of euphoria i had yet to experience even once in all my years of life and wondering why i never knew it was THIS easy to numb your pain with one bag, one pill, one drink. i never thought in a million years that i would be the one to dive headfirst into active addiction and denied it to myself and everyone else (until i was completely unable to hide it any longer.) it was all fun and games, until it wasn’t anymore.

two years ago i got clean without fully expelling each and every demon hiding in the corners of my brain. i ended up back at square one and beat myself up, mentally and physically over it. i attempted to end my life for the second time, ultimately failing and landing me in a psychiatric facility. at this time, i was then diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, multiple personality disorder, schizoaffective disorder, PTSD, and manic bipolar. that’s a heavy slew of diagnoses—. i agree, but for once it felt like i had an answer as to why i never felt “normal,” and that i wasn’t just imagining things/ going insane. unfortunately over time the medical bills became too high plus medication after medication just didn’t cut it. finally i stopped going to my therapist altogether; and that is where i ultimately made the worst decision of my life.

one year ago, i was abusing substances, self harming, and suffering from mental disease more than i ever had before. each day, i would give up on life less and less and began not caring about my appearance, my attitude, && even coming to the point where i accepted the fact that i might not wake up in the morning. i was so disappointed in myself for sliding down the slope of mental torment but still cannonballed into the depths anyway. i had this “i am never going to change because i can’t” attitude and wore it loud and proud.

this year... though only halfway completed, has been a year full of change and self awareness. i learned that i need to clean my shit up or i may not see the break of tomorrow. i am 6 months completely clean to this day && i am back in therapy and could NOT be more grateful for where i am in life. i have learned a lot of lessons and have grown out of the shell of a human that had concealed a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, and BEAUTIFUL woman beneath the surface.

finally, that woman had broken free.

i wrote this, not because i am begging for attention nor repentance bc this may be considered some sort of “sob story,” but to show people that no matter how hard life gets, it can ALWAYS get better if you put your soul and spirit into being your level best. i am far from perfect but compared to where i was even a year ago today, i am so fortunate.

i fought tooth and nail to defeat my demons... and for the most part— i won.

remember, if you feel you have hit the lowest part of your existence.. things can only go up.

#MentalHealthAwareness

#youAREenough

and a rush of blood

mouth writhing with

a paralyzing sensation

creeping from

the throat

to the tongue

to the lips

strawberry schnapps

and a ringing in my ears

a static television

on low volume

sending me

to an intergalactic excursion

for a few moments

of intense pleasure

with a hint of magic

as deep

and ultramarine

as the North Atlantic

incapable of capturing

in photographs

archetypes

or watercolor replicas

you are one of a kind

only suffice for so long

before the exposure becomes

too much for this skeletal system

and the contagion sets in

with only one way out

inside of my soul

and spread their wings

going where the four winds blow

but the demons follow

wherever i go

once chaste hands

now besmirched with dirty needles

and with the Furies i dance

hark the herald angels sing

on the borderline of death

but to life i cling

on a sinking ship

i knew i hated water

but still hesitantly agreed

to embark on this voyage

seafaring through

the inclement waves

all for you

but now i feel

as if i am abandoned

counting the moments

until the panels breach

and i am entirely submerged

i lied to myself

saying that you were the compass

to help guide me to refuge

when i knew you were

the cumbersome anchor

only tying me down

for removing the ropes

from around my neck

and placing them

upon the anchor

when i was lost at sea

thank you

for removing the ties

that had bound me

to the dirt

from my hands

so that i can feel again

thank you

for your safe return

for things are much better

when you are near

to finally be able

to dance with you

beneath the moonlight

once more