chain smoking
on the rooftops
feet dangling below
the familiar ground
[why oh why
is everything so small
from up above?]
well, dear child,
we must learn
that no matter the distance;
we will always be
that tiny
in the larger picture
-fully focus 3/10
Sade Olutola
Game of Thrones Daily
Peter Solarz
One Nice Bug Per Day
$LAYYYTER

@theartofmadeline
Stranger Things
h
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Monterey Bay Aquarium

Origami Around
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
occasionally subtle

Kaledo Art

pixel skylines

tannertan36

ellievsbear
art blog(derogatory)
wallacepolsom

seen from Malaysia
seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from Indonesia

seen from France

seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from Germany

seen from United States
seen from Canada

seen from Romania

seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from United States

seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from United States
@cryptaesthetics
chain smoking
on the rooftops
feet dangling below
the familiar ground
[why oh why
is everything so small
from up above?]
well, dear child,
we must learn
that no matter the distance;
we will always be
that tiny
in the larger picture
-fully focus 3/10

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torn to pieces
caught atop
the barbed wire fence
i should never
have gone this far
but i have yet
to find my way
back down
-climbing 3/9
sometimes it is nice
to have a break
from the sunlight
and bask in the
cooler atmosphere
presented to us
by the clouds above
-brought to you by 3/8
caution—
objects in the mirror
may be closer
than they appear
imminent danger
looms unknowingly
until the very
last moment
-side view 3/7
balanced;
the weight of each scale
finally equivalent
pieces of the puzzle
begin to fit
each particle
of dust
finally settling
into place
-the world turns 3/6

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how was i to know
that my newfound spark
would erupt into wildfire
and tear down the village?
-do not underestimate me 3/5
how is it possible
that self mutilation
is the only way
that i feel whole—
no amount of reparation
can fix the pain
inside of my heart;
therefore i make sure
that the wounds created
on the outside
outweighs my inner afflictions
-insult to injury 3/4
nearly nothing left
of this empty skeleton
i have sold my soul
for nickels
dimes
and pennies
just to get by
day by day
i do not know
how much longer
i can do this
-warning sign 3/3
the white noise is building
once a faint hum in the distance
turning to a constant vexation
creeping closer to my auditory range
taking the wheel from my hands
and driving me off of the brink
of insanity
- highway 3/2
sorry i haven’t been on in awhile. i will be posting updates soon i promise 💕 here is an overview of what has been going on.
this post is very personal && extremely long so please keep scrolling if you don’t want to read it.
five years ago i fell into a spiraling downfall of substance abuse and trying to find ways to cope with the fact that i knew i had mental disorders, but they remained untreated because i was too scared to ask for help. i felt like everyone would look at me differently if they knew of the issues i had been trying so hard to hide from the outside world. i began self harming and developed anorexia and forced myself to believe that it was normal human behavior, but in the back of my mind i knew that it was not. i drove myself insane day after day and acted like i had everything perfectly pieced together. i began drinking heavily because i wanted to finally feel just genuinely content. i thought that it was the only way out of the shadows that have come from the darkness, swallowing me whole and sending me into Alice’s wonderland. for once, i felt nothing... nothing at all.
four years ago i first attempted to end my life for the first time. i had attempted before but they were more or less just subtle cries for help. i mixed benzodiazepines with alcohol knowing how horrible this was for the body, but it only made me sick. there i was— wondering how the fuck it was possible that i couldn't even kill myself right. i was laying down, making a bed on the floor of rock bottom.
three years ago i dabbled with different drugs with a couple friends just for shits and giggles. it was a sensation of euphoria i had yet to experience even once in all my years of life and wondering why i never knew it was THIS easy to numb your pain with one bag, one pill, one drink. i never thought in a million years that i would be the one to dive headfirst into active addiction and denied it to myself and everyone else (until i was completely unable to hide it any longer.) it was all fun and games, until it wasn’t anymore.
two years ago i got clean without fully expelling each and every demon hiding in the corners of my brain. i ended up back at square one and beat myself up, mentally and physically over it. i attempted to end my life for the second time, ultimately failing and landing me in a psychiatric facility. at this time, i was then diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, multiple personality disorder, schizoaffective disorder, PTSD, and manic bipolar. that’s a heavy slew of diagnoses—. i agree, but for once it felt like i had an answer as to why i never felt “normal,” and that i wasn’t just imagining things/ going insane. unfortunately over time the medical bills became too high plus medication after medication just didn’t cut it. finally i stopped going to my therapist altogether; and that is where i ultimately made the worst decision of my life.
one year ago, i was abusing substances, self harming, and suffering from mental disease more than i ever had before. each day, i would give up on life less and less and began not caring about my appearance, my attitude, && even coming to the point where i accepted the fact that i might not wake up in the morning. i was so disappointed in myself for sliding down the slope of mental torment but still cannonballed into the depths anyway. i had this “i am never going to change because i can’t” attitude and wore it loud and proud.
this year... though only halfway completed, has been a year full of change and self awareness. i learned that i need to clean my shit up or i may not see the break of tomorrow. i am 6 months completely clean to this day && i am back in therapy and could NOT be more grateful for where i am in life. i have learned a lot of lessons and have grown out of the shell of a human that had concealed a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, and BEAUTIFUL woman beneath the surface.
finally, that woman had broken free.
i wrote this, not because i am begging for attention nor repentance bc this may be considered some sort of “sob story,” but to show people that no matter how hard life gets, it can ALWAYS get better if you put your soul and spirit into being your level best. i am far from perfect but compared to where i was even a year ago today, i am so fortunate.
i fought tooth and nail to defeat my demons... and for the most part— i won.
remember, if you feel you have hit the lowest part of your existence.. things can only go up.
#MentalHealthAwareness
#youAREenough
💖👑🥀✨🌞

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a prick of the skin
and a rush of blood
mouth writhing with
a paralyzing sensation
creeping from
the throat
to the tongue
to the lips
strawberry schnapps
and a ringing in my ears
a static television
on low volume
sending me
to an intergalactic excursion
for a few moments
of intense pleasure
-observations 3/1
cold water eyes
with a hint of magic
as deep
and ultramarine
as the North Atlantic
incapable of capturing
in photographs
archetypes
or watercolor replicas
you are one of a kind
-blue eyes 2/28
bandaids over bulletholes
only suffice for so long
before the exposure becomes
too much for this skeletal system
and the contagion sets in
with only one way out
-medications 2/27
hark the herald angels sing
inside of my soul
and spread their wings
going where the four winds blow
but the demons follow
wherever i go
once chaste hands
now besmirched with dirty needles
and with the Furies i dance
hark the herald angels sing
on the borderline of death
but to life i cling
-only a matter of time 2/26
lost at sea
on a sinking ship
i knew i hated water
but still hesitantly agreed
to embark on this voyage
seafaring through
the inclement waves
all for you
but now i feel
as if i am abandoned
counting the moments
until the panels breach
and i am entirely submerged
i lied to myself
saying that you were the compass
to help guide me to refuge
when i knew you were
the cumbersome anchor
only tying me down
-i knew what you were 2/25

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thank you
for removing the ropes
from around my neck
and placing them
upon the anchor
when i was lost at sea
thank you
for removing the ties
that had bound me
to the dirt
from my hands
so that i can feel again
thank you
for your safe return
for things are much better
when you are near
-hello, goodbye 2/24
it feels so nice
to finally be able
to dance with you
beneath the moonlight
once more
-back to one 2/23