NYC Crying Guide

No no no no no!!! This cry is just plain DECEIVING and is very much NOT recommended!!   I cannot even begin to tell you about the millions of times I’ve entered an empty elevator and thought “WOOHOOO!! I’m alone!!!!! It’s crying time!!!!!!!!!!” - only to be joined by dozens of people 15 seconds later with my face looking like a very active tributary.  Maybe in Kansas this would be a good cry, but not - I repeat NOT - in NYC!! The elevator is absolutely going to stop at least 5 times if you’re in a 6+ story building so please don’t let the temporary privacy fool you!!!! I know, I know, it’s way way way way easier said than done, but you must trust me on this.  Keep on crying the good cries…just keep ‘em out of every and all elevators!!!!!!!!

Spring crying is here!!!!! There is no better way to take advantage of the warmer weather than spending an afternoon crying on a great stoop! Plus - knowing the owner could come home at any moment and see you sobbing on their property is flat out exhilarating. You must try this cry immediately! The only downside is that you’re not fooling anyone - everyone walking by will know you don’t live here. People who own brownstones in NYC have absolutely zero reasons to cry in life and everyone knows this. Regardless, it’s still a wonderful crying spot, especially if enjoyed with an artisan cupcake and thinking about some recent mistakes you’ve made!!!! A+

Have you ever cried while singing Happy Birthday to an eight year old from Georgia? If the answer is ‘No!” you better get yourself to Rockefeller Center ASAP!!!!  The TODAY show is where it’s at: Live television!! Cool famous people!! Awesome gift-giving tips!! And you: blissfully crying through it all!!!!! Words cannot even describe the exhilarating experience of crying as you learn how to style your hair in humid weather all while the top of your head is on national television!!!! It’s time to dust off the ol’ bucket list and check this one off!! As long as you get to the plaza a little late so you’re a few rows of people deep(shoot for 7:45am), you’ll be in the clear to sob away through the rest of the show!! Yes, that’s right, this is what’s happening in your neck of the woods: AN AWESOME CRYING EXPERIENCE!!!!! 

Build-A-Bear 

Great for a cry on the go! Grand Central offers a wonderful large escalator from the 7 train up to where the other trains board.  If you stay to the right and remain on the the standing side, it can be a wonderful crying experience.  With people only in front and behind you, you can feel free to cry without anyone looking or wondering what you’re up to! Great for a 1-2 minute quick cry.

ALL DAY, EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!! 

No matter what time of day, every single person on the 7 train is in a deep sleep or stupor. Feel free to cry as audibly as you want on this train, no one will EVER look at you!! It’s a criers dream!!!!!! I cry on this subway at least once a day.  A true NYC Staple!

Yesterday I was in the middle of an all day crying session, but I really really needed to get my niece a gift for her birthday. With no other option but to leave my apartment, I went to Build-A-Bear in a full on cry mode and I am SO happy I did. I built the perfect nurse-firefighter bear AND all the employees completely ignored the fact that I was crying during the whole building process. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated that. My tears were never addressed! Even as I handed my soggy signed credit card receipt to the cashier, it was only returned with a smile and a ‘Have a nice day’!  If you want to be treated like a real person despite your overflowing tears - go here immediately!!

I went in here one night during a street cry to try and make myself feel better with a cupcake! I didn’t realize how small the cupcakes were, so I bought 3 for $3 and left to continue my walk. Unfortunately, I ate all 3 cupcakes within 20 seconds and was left even more sad than I originally was that all the cupcakes were gone so quickly.  I re-entered the store and bought 3 more (red velvet, peanut butter, cookies & cream) with even more tears streaming down my face as I ordered. I repeated this process about 3 more times (red velvet every time, switched the other 2 choices up for variety!!!!!!) until I finally had to force myself to just walk the hell away. Although these cupcakes are absolutely delicious, I would recommend going to somewhere like Crumbs to get yourself the biggest cupcake in the world so that it will actually have a shot at fulfilling your crying cupcake fix. Trust me on this, or you will also have someone in the world who knows that they served you 15 cupcakes in 4 minutes. Do as I say, not as I cry!!!!!!!! 

Spring day + upper deck + your tears streaming into the river=  a free crying paradise!!!!! This cry is an absolute must. It’s so free and so, so nice.  You may get in a few tourist pictures but so what- you’re a lucky duck riding the best cry in town!!! Nothing can stop your tears now!! Plus, they even offer drinks and refreshments for your intense post-cry thirst and hunger!! It could not be a better crying situation. Get on board and start weeping immediately!!! Oh, and of course, be sure to ride it all day long!!!  A+++++++

If this isn’t the Cadillac of crying spots I don’t know what is!!  There are only two stops total on this train so feel free to REALLY let it out because everyone will always be getting off at the next stop!!!   Perfect for the days when you’re really a complete crying mess.  The public stares are only temporary, the tears will last forever!! Once you get settled crying on here it’s hard to ever get off the train.  In fact, I love to spend my Saturdays riding this train back and forth. A true crying gem!

Spring day + upper deck + your tears streaming into the river=  a free crying paradise!!!!! This cry is an absolute must. It’s so free and so, so nice.  You may get in a few tourist pictures but so what- you’re a lucky duck riding the best cry in town!!! Nothing can stop your tears now!! Plus, they even offer drinks and refreshments for your intense post-cry thirst and hunger!! It could not be a better crying situation. Get on board and start weeping immediately!!! Oh, and of course, be sure to ride it all day long!!!  A+++++++

If you’ve ever cried while staring in a mirror, you know that it instantly adds intensity and lots of fun to any ordinary and forgetful cry.  But, if we’re being honest, you can only cry while looking at yourself in a mirror 43,034 times before it starts to get a little boring. That’s why I’m SO thankful that last week I started sobbing on the street and I just happened to notice my reflection in a dirty disgusting filthy gross city puddle!!!!!!! This cry is dramatic, it’s uncomfortable yet comfortable, it’s a metaphor …. aka it’s EVERYTHING!!!!  I rate this cry a A++++++/C—— because it truly is an incredible cry but some people get REALLY REALLY mad at you for being “In the middle of the sidewalk what is wrong with you get the hell out of the way you idiot!!!!!” But alas, it’s not their fault - they just have no idea what they’re missing!!!! Cry on everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If this isn’t the Cadillac of crying spots I don’t know what is!!  There are only two stops total on this train so feel free to REALLY let it out because everyone will always be getting off at the next stop!!!   Perfect for the days when you’re really a complete crying mess.  The public stares are only temporary, the tears will last forever!! Once you get settled crying on here it’s hard to ever get off the train.  In fact, I love to spend my Saturdays riding this train back and forth. A true crying gem!