Cruxism

This is the third relationship where I’ve had stalking and do not feel safe.

Finally got my groceries yesterday, can not wait to actually get out of the state and have a few days of peace.

I should get a decoy wedding ring to keep people the fuck away. Relationships are not worth it.

The way this breakup went, there’s no excuse for it. The actual YEARS of work and healing for my disease undone. Now facing another surgery. A physical scar to always remind me of how horrible this all went down and how horrible I was treated. Just for having friends. Something I’ll get to look at and remember for the rest of my life. Just like the scars my abuser left… but this time a huge fucking scar that says I’ve yet again dated someone with such a huge disregard for my health.

Being someone with health issues that are “invisible” sucks because it’s just never taken seriously.

They never cared if I was okay. They only cared about theirselves. And they drug down and involved SO MANY people. Hell my mom even. She’s had to go to the doctor 3 times and go on stronger meds and has been in a bad flare with her shit. And she’s let me know it’s because of this shit. Makes me feel real great knowing I’ve caused this.

Women can be friends with men without wanting to fuck them. It doesn’t have to always be about sex. I’ve had plenty of guy friends all my life because I’m mostly gay and grew up in a house where I was told if I bring home a woman I would be kicked out and have my ass kicked. I just get along with men better. It takes me ages to even form a connection with someone before I fall for them… he was the exception before I decided relationships aren’t for me. But I guess he was right about being a narcissist when he was trying to break up with me. First ex did tell me that I would only ever attract narcissists because I am prey because of who I am and how I carry myself.

Why would I want to jump directly into a relationship after someone treated me with such disregard and disrespect. Completely devastated my health. Alienated me from my friends. Purposefully brought up my biggest fears to shit on them. Shit on my biggest goal. Stalk me and make me feel the same way my abuser did. Made me lose the healthy weight I had put on for the first time in my life. Pulled me out of remission. So stressed my heart is acting up to the point of being told I’m risking heart attack and stroke. So stressed I’m not sleeping or eating. Falling asleep while driving to get groceries. He’s brought up triggering underage bullshit that have triggered my ptsd to bring up repressed memories of being raped at age 4. Unforgivable.

8 different people from his life/ex friends of his have contacted me over two weeks to tell me some fucked up shit about things from his past… as well as some really nasty shit. No wonder I ended up with roaches.

I don’t want another relationship ever again.

How hard is it to accept someone’s boundaries when you ask for space to heal and get back in remission before trying to start from friends. My health is my priority. I just needed space to get back on my feet. But then harassment after harassment pushed me further and further out of remission until the damage is irreversible.

This is the first time in my life I actually do not want any form of relationship. My desire for love and being understood is dead. I can get that from myself alone.

Relationships cause too much harm to my health and I’ve already nearly died from my health complications twice in my life. I have to take my health seriously and this has been the worst my health has been since my abuser. I can’t do it anymore.

I have retina damage not due to health. But trauma.

Turns out abusive ex hit and threw me hard enough to damage my retina. Now my left eye is compromised and was told to be aware of it since another blunt force trauma could cause it to detach completely causing me to need emergency eye surgery..... Eye surgery they won’t touch since I’m on an extreme biologic drug that suppressed my immune system.

At least it makes sense why I’m having so many floaters now... I have a hard time daily just reading account numbers off screens becuase I have so many floaters it distorts my vision.

Feeling very alone.

Ordered engraved dogtags with medical info on them and emergency contacts in case I go down in public while I’m alone.

My insurance refused the treatments I felt safest on. I’m going on Humira... from what they’re telling me, it’s $2,000 an injection after my insurance... every 15 days. $4,000 a month. My medication officially costs more than I make.

I’ve passed the TB test and Hepatitis test, so the next step is hoping to god my insurance covers my first choice because my other two options are fucking terrorfying because the side effects are intense. Fuck all of them have fucked side effects, even the one that sounds the safest. (Hair loss, BLINDNESS, skin LOOSENING, heart stopping, cancer, just fucking lists and lists of them)

I can’t touch my eyes or nose without washing my hands first because even a cold could kill my ass on this shit.

I’m scared as fuck. Anxiety is high. Don’t know how long I’ll have to be injecting myself with this shit.

I just kinda hoped I finally had my shit together when this happened.

You can probably tell that I've been more uncharacteristically anxious for a number of months now. I'm out of remission again and I've been trying so hard to will it to fix itself and act like its not a thing.

Bad call.

I got results back today.

I'm out of remission pretty bad and I'm going back on steroids. Pentasa isn't cutting it anymore, so I've got three treatment options to look over today and make a decision.

I am very stressed, scared, and disappointed.