I went home early from work that day.  I dry humped my pillow until I came and fell asleep watching The Tick, starring Patrick Warburton.

found this pic on facebook marketplace thats unintentionally up my alley

me

god i really wish i knew what you were talking about because this sounds incredible. 

the comments on any one of this person’s videos are incredible by the way. would highly recommend

I can shapeshift into a monkey. I can easily shapeshift into a monkey. I can instantly shapeshift into a monkey. I can safely shapeshift into a monkey. I can easily shapeshift into my original form. I can instantly shapeshift into my original form. I can safely shapeshift into my original form. I can change my DNA in an instant. I am always safe when shapeshifting. My body is always safe when shapeshifting. My mind is always safe when shapeshifting. I keep my human color vision in my monkey form. My body masks my monkey DNA. I appear completely human when in my human form. My body masks my human DNA when in my monkey form. My spirit masks my primate aura and primate energy signature when I will it. My body absorbs every nutrient from the food I eat. I have full control over all of my forms. I innately know how to shift. I have full control of my shifts. I can easily tap into my subconscious mind. Psychic attacks are near impossible to execute upon me. My third eye is open wide. My chakras are safely open, activated and rejuvenated. Meditation comes easily to me. I can see and sense within my mind with absolute vividness and clarity as if in real life. Hypnosis works very well on me. I can easily break out of hypnosis or mind control at any time. I have perfect balance on any surface. I lose any fear of heights. I lose all fear of heights. I lose any fear of darkness. I lose all fear of darkness. I lose any fear of the unknown. I lose all fear of the unknown. I know when I am in danger and what to do about it. I am brave, strong and resilient. I tap into dragon energy to make me a powerful shifter. I tap into centaur energy to make me intelligent and clever.. I tap into griffin energy to make me brave and resilient. I am incredibly intelligent. I am incredibly clever. I am a powerful shifter. I can shapeshift at any time. When I am fully grown, my aging slows down. My lifespan is safely increased. My monkey form ages as I do. My monkey form has the color and pattern I want it to have. My fur color in my monkey form is rich and deep. My hair color in my human form is rich and deep. My monkey form looks exactly like I want it to look. My monkey form is beautiful. My monkey form is extremely fast, strong, agile, and flexible. My human form is extremely fast, strong, agile, and flexible. My body is incredibly efficient in all forms to provide safe efficient transformation. I have boundless, resplendent energy. I can safely absorb and disperse massive amounts of kinetic energy. I land softly from falls of any height. I can easily cling to any surface. I get stronger every full moon. Moonlight calms and refreshes me. I am tireless. I can safely go days without sleep. Three hours of sleep is like a full night’s rest for me. My digestive system safely digests beneficial food and drink at supernatural speeds. My digestive system intelligently utilizes anything beneficial and safely discards anything harmful. My digestive system is perfect in health and function. My digestive system is supernaturally efficient and able to extract maximum nutrition. I have enhanced senses. I have perfect vision. I have perfect hearing. I have a perfect sense of smell. I can track anything by scent alone. I have an incredible sense of direction. I can sense magnetic fields. I can use magnetic fields to know exactly where I am at all times. I enjoy all food. My monkey form can safely withstand any temperature. My human form can safely withstand any temperature. I am comfortable in any temperature. My eye color is soft and stunning. I can make my eyes glow in the dark at will. I can see perfectly in any light level. I have perfect hearing. I safely and naturally repel biting insects. I safely and naturally repel stinging insects. My physical health is perfect. My mental health is perfect. I can heal any wound instantly at will. I can make wounds seal up in seconds. My body swiftly heals fatal wounds. I have a high pain tolerance. My body feels little pain because I can heal wounds instantly. I know when I am being hurt. I am meant to be a shapeshifter. I know that I am meant to be a shapeshifter. I know that I am a shapeshifter. I am immune to all forms of mind control. I am immune to all negative programming. I am the sovereign of myself. I have indomitable willpower. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I have a natural connection to primates. I can easily communicate with any primate. I can use telepathy with any primate. I love primates. primates love me. I can shapeshift any part of my body into part of my monkey form. I can summon the tail of my monkey form while in my human form. I can easily and safely make sounds like a monkey in my human form. I have retractable fangs in my human form. I can summon my fangs at will. I can retract my fangs at will. When my fangs are retracted they are impossible to detect. My retractable fangs are the perfect size for my mouth. My fangs are exactly how I imagine them. I have retractable primate claws in my human form. When my claws are retracted they are impossible to detect. I can summon my claws at will. I can retract my claws at will. My retractable claws are exactly how I imagine them. I am a master of fighting with my claws. I am a master of all forms of fighting. I am a master of fighting in my monkey form. I know when to talk and when to fight. I have supernatural intelligence. I am a great problem solver. I have perfect memory. I can easily remember massive amounts of related and unrelated information. I am extremely stealthy. I can travel anywhere without being seen or heard…. I am a master survivalist. I can survive in the wilderness easily. I can go a long time without food or water. I can survive any situation. I am grateful for any animal that dies to sustain me. I am a master hunter. I can easily detect lies. I have perfect balance…. All my chakras safely open, unblock, rejuvenate and flow with boundless energy. I can shapeshift into a normal sized monkey at will…. I can shapeshift into a giant monkey at will…. My giant monkey form is as large as I want it to be…. I can shapeshift into an anthropomorphic, monkey…. My anthropomorphic, monkey form is the height I want it to be…. My anthropomorphic, monkey form has the same color and pattern of my normal monkey form…. My anthropomorphic, monkey form looks exactly how I want it to look…. I have a human mind in all of my forms…. I have full control in all of my forms…. I can hybridize my monkey form with any of my other forms…. Any clothes I am wearing vanish when I shapeshift into a full monkey…. Any clothes I am wearing when I shapeshift into a full monkey reappear on my body when I shapeshift into my original form…. I intuitively know if it is a bad idea to shapeshift…. I can sense other shapeshifters from miles away. I can see perfectly in pure darkness. I have a deep respect for nature. I have a deep respect for primates. I can speak human languages while in my monkey form. I can use any powers I have while in my monkey form. All fillings, crowns, and cavities in my teeth are replaced with healthy tooth material. My teeth are perfectly white and healthy. My immune system is incredibly strong and safely wipes out all disease and cancer cells. My body is always safely full of energy and at peak performance. My mind is free of all limiting beliefs preventing me from reaching my goals. My mind is powerful. All positive and beneficial affirmations program my subconscious instantly. Affirmations I desire program my subconscious instantly. Affirmations I approve of program my subconscious instantly. I safely take in and absorb all subliminals. I bypass negativity to create instant and infinite results. All results gained from this subliminal are permanent.

Me: wadda hell…….. ….bulnosaur

these are my predictions for how the right wing will evolve in 2014

NEW EMAIL FROM “Puppies”: Hello. I’m tired from playing a lot. I am going to take a nap. Thank you!

Then you need to grow fuck up.

Justin needs to go down as a national hero for this

[Camera person chuckles]