Writings And Such

"I'm not going with you" Ashley says causing Colin to stop in his tracks. She heard the music from her after graduation party in the background. Desperately wanting to go back inside and enjoy the night. "What you mean you're not coming with me?" he said turning around facing her "This is what we talked about. This is what we wanted. To start our life in California and finally be together." "That's the life you wanted Colin. Not me. I was to love struck to know any better. I have dreams and goals and none of them are in California." "You already turned NYU down so what-" He started  "I never turned them down. I accepted about two weeks ago." Colin laughed, but it was dry. He was angry that he was wasting his time. That she was wasting his time.  "Jake is going to Syracuse for football." he said "I should've known you would want to go to NYU because it's been your guys plan since you started dating. You think that suddenly Jake decides to change for you that things will go back to the way they were? Well then you'll be stuck in this high school fantasy your whole life." "This isn't about him." Ashley said confidently "I didn't make my decision because of him. I did this for me. Maybe the type of Ashley you have in your head would drop everything for a boy, but not this one. And you don't get that because you're selfish you always have been." "Me? Selfish? Please tell me fucking how I'm selfish when I spent three years coming back to this shitty town, dealing with your shitty bullshit, for you? You think that's fucking selfish?" He yelled "Because you never were going to let me do what I wanted to do. You never had. You weren't going to keep settling for a long distance relationship because it never worked between us. So you manipulated me into thinking that I would be happy with you in California while you chase your dreams of playing professional baseball and what I can't be happy? You never ever cared about anyone, but yourself and you know that. You never loved me. I was too blind to see it because I loved you. You kept treated our relationship like you were the saint and Jake was the monster. When Jake was there for me whenever I needed him despite what was going on between us. And at least he had the decency to change. Not just for me, but for himself, but you'll never change Colin." Tears were bubbling up in her eyes Colin looked down at the ground curling his fist up into a ball "And I hope one day, for some girl you truly love, you'll be a better man because you have it in you. You just haven't brought him out yet." She continued. He looked at her. She saw the tears in his eyes "Well I guess this is goodbye because I have nothing else to fucking say to you." She sighed as she watched him walk away. She knew she did the right and he just confirmed it for her. She walked back inside her house getting engulfed by the loud music. She looked around seeing that everyone was having the time of her lives until her eyes met his. His beautiful blue eyes and that wicked smile. Colin was wrong about one thing... she never stopped loving Jake. Even when the became friends with benefits, even throughout all the fights, even when they decided to be just friends. With Colin it was all "what we could've  been" with Jake it's "what we are". Jake winked at her as he started to walk up to her. "So you decided to stay." He said "Well I can't say I'm not surprise. You were never that girl to drop her dreams for a boy." She smiled "For the record I have decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to California. It's not me and Colin isn't the guy that I want to be with anymore. We just lost whatever we had a long time ago." Jake nodded his head "So now what are you going to do? Didn't you turn down all your schools?" She smiled wickedly "Not all of them." He laughed "You didn't turn down NYU did you?" "Nope. You know that's been my dream school ever since you've known me just like Syracuse has been yours." He smiled "Good because I don't think I was ready to let go of you just yet." Ashley laughed "I wasn't ready to either." They both leaned touching their foreheads against each other smiling from ear to ear as the music in the background started to fade. It just felt like they were the only two people in the room, ready to start over and fall in love all over again.

The finale

“I love you” he says genuinely “I loved you since you told me off in the third grade.” She chuckled “you are the best person I know and the strongest person I know. Even after everything that’s happen between and the amount of times I screwed up, you always seem to forgave me. You have a good heart and I admire that about you. No matter what happens to us I know that you will always be the best thing that has ever happen to me. You made me a better person and for that I am so grateful. I am so grateful for the love you gave me. So I love you. I love you with everything in me. I just needed you to know.”

“You know the thing is I don’t care.” He says seriously “I stopped caring along time ago when I realized that life is disappointing and you have to get over it. You can’t expect much out of me anymore. We aren’t dating anymore, we’re just having sex so don’t think that you have a say in what I do anymore because you don’t. You think I’ve changed? Well good because I happen to like this version of me. This version actually has the balls to stand up to you because you know I was always wrapped around your little finger, but not anymore. You don’t control me, no one does.”

“I’m done with your games.” She said “you don’t care anymore you never did and I’m tired of giving you chance after chance. It’s exhausting and clearly you seem perfectly fine.” She moved past him, but he caught her arm and turn her around

“People have different ways of numbing pain or trying to release it. Some people smoke, some people destroy things, some people hurt themselves and some people drink.” He raises his bottle in the air “not only is drinking fun, but it helps me forget every bit of pain that I have in my life. It helps me numb it away and makes me looser, makes me pretend that everything is okay. I know it’s messed up, I know it makes me sound like I have a problem and I do, but I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I don’t want to feel like this, like the weight of the fucking world is on my shoulders. I should be having fun at 17 not be worrying about this. Not having people worry if I have a drinking problem, it’s fucked up, I’m fucked up. I know everything will eventually will be okay, but a big part of also thinks it won’t be.”

“It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore.” She says looking down at her hands “I feel like a stranger in my own body. I can’t be this person that you and everyone else expect me to be if I don’t know for myself. I’m going through life with this big hole in my chest and I just feel so empty.” She looks up into his eyes “and I love you with all that is in me. The scary part of it all is that I love you more than I love myself and it’s ruining me. I can’t be the imagine you picture of me because that’s just not me anymore. I changed and you don’t think I have or you don’t want to believe that I have. I’m not the perfect innocent girl that you once knew, I’m far from that. You don’t want me to see you as the golden boy than stop treating me like I’m a golden girl. You claim you know me, but you really don’t. I know you love me, but sometimes I think you only loved me because I was innocent and now I just don’t know anymore. I’m not sure about anything anymore.”

“When will it stop?” He said in defeat

“You’re a mess, but your not my mess to clean up. I’m done pulling you out and I’m done being there for you when you decide to get wasted and act like a fucking idiot. I’m done getting hurt by you jake, I can’t take it anymore. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to you.”