my life sucks but i don't mind @crumbels - Tumblr Blog

i'm happy

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24th october 2013 - i still want you

no question, i still want you. and when i say this i hear miley cyrus singing in my head "i will always want you". but that's not true. the things is, i don't feel bad about what i'm feeling. from your perspective my feelings are irrational and not understandable. but they make sense for me, even though i don't fully understand them. who can explain feelings? right, no one. i don't feel pathetic for what i'm feeling. i didn't fell in love with the first boy i kissed. i didn't fell in love with any of the boys i kissed. but i kind of fell for you. and that's okay. i keep thinking about you. and it doesn't really get me anywhere. and it doesn't change anything. i keep imagining us, but i don't find it creepy in any way. should i? i don't know. i just don't feel bad... i know that anything i feel for you is superficial. it could be anyone! i don't know...

#24.10.13 #journal #idk

22nd october 2013 - a motivation text to myself

you do something and you're kinda proud of it and then someone else comes along and does something better. well, this happens sometimes. but when you feel as if it's happening a little bit too often, you should change something. not an actual something. you should change the way you think. so why exactly is everything you do worse than what they do? what do you even know about the stuff other people do? how can precisely measure how much fun they had and compare it with the amount of fun you had? you can't! and that's all you need to know really. enjoy what you're doing. blindly enjoy it. as a first step. you might miss out on something every now and then, you might not get the best deal at something, but you get your own memories and experiences and feelings and you get something and this something might be different, but it's never really worse. envy is the worst. so try to cut it off. do your thing. do what you feel like doing at any given moment. i know you need to do things you don't want to do. you need to work. but whenever you do something that sucks, try to make the best of it. i bet if you look close enough you'll find a really nice colleague at your crappy workplace. and if not: change. and keep changing. you can't really loose at anything if you keep open. don't force yourself to do anything. keep some discipline and rethink your decisions and follow your heart and you'll be just fine.

#22.10.13

i'm not in love with you, but i'm still into you. and i suspect that even makes me feel worse, because i do not want to be with you, i only want you. i desire you in an absolute, unrealistic way. you, ultimately and detached from your real, actual self.

#you

"do you still want him?"

"of course i do, but i would never act like it, because i get much greater satisfaction out of seeing him unsatisfacted than by getting what i want."

#you

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"i thought he loved you."

"no, he just needed me to love himself."

#you

i don't know why it took me so long to figure out what a giant asshole you are. i guess it was because you made me feel better about myself. being desired by an asshole is the worst kind, because it makes you feel as if you just won a boxing fight. but it doesn't work this way. you shouldn't fight to feel wanted. someone who truly likes you won't put you in the devestated state of loosing everything you fought for out of sudden.

#you

you didn't kiss me, because you like me. you kissed me, because i like you and you want to like yourself.

#you

feelings will make you tired

i think there's a certain mind set, which could help me beat my depression. when i think about me and my life i usually see myself as a passive person who gets dragged through things, has shitty friends, and is alone way too much. but maybe if i just tried a little i could turn it all around and try to see myself as an active human being, who's able to make choices. so from now on i can choose what i want to do. i can make my own decisions... i feel sick now. because i don't feel ready for it. i don't want to take all the responsibility. but gosh, i guess i have to.

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if someone asked me if i loved you, i'd say no. that's pretty clear. i don't love you and i wouldn't ever speak about you in that way. but in my head, things are different. when i look at you, a fire is getting lit in my body. i love what i see. i love everything about you except... you. i like the things you do, the way you dance, the way you touch me, i even like how you touch other girl, i love the things you wear, i like your face and your hair, i like your laugh. when i guess what you're thinking, i like the thoughts i come up with. i might somehow like you as a person after all, but there's a thing i need to love in order love you as a whole and that's the way you treat me. and that's also the thing i hate about you. i hate the way you look, when you look at me, i hate the way you speak, when you speak to me and therefore i will always love a picture of you, without me being in it.

#you #???????#i just love you physically

i'm the worst for myself

#self hate yay

20th october 2013 - friends, the lost ones and the ones from facebook

i'm in a very confusing mental state lately. i keep experiencing extreme happiness and sadness in a very short time (let's say it's usually around 5 hours). so at first i cry in the subway, because i get a text message from a nice girl, a girl i barely know, but still one that i spend a few good, drunk nights with. and i get so happy. i feel like i want to live this live, as if everything going to be alright, as if i have something to live for. i feel like a am able to make friends, which is the only thing i want really. and a few hours later (i think it's mostly after i checked facebook that shows me how little friends i have) i feel lonely as never before. i know it probably makes sense, because i keep having superficial social contacts when i actually want deep ones, but it still confuses me. why am i not able to tell if a social contact make me happy on the long run? do we all work like this? because i hate it.

i miss an old friend of mine, who i used to spend a lot of time with around half a year ago. we became friends pretty fast. yes, on a party. yes, drunk. but we had one of these really deep, life changing conversations and figured that we have a lot in common when it comes to boys and all that. i kind of used her after that. i texted her about all my suicidal thoughts and relied on her to make me feel better. since the already had a depressed friend before, she couldn't take it very well. but we also had a lot of fun together. we celebrated sylvester together and it was very funny. i miss her. our friendship had a lot of potential because we were so honest with each other...

i'm also thinking about ending another friendship myself. a friend of mine, a close one, keeps telling me how bad as a person and a friend i am and i can't really deal with it. we're taking a break right now. she told me i should contact her again, when i'm ready to be a loyal friend. i don't think i'm ever gonna make it. i feel like there are reasons i am not loyal to her. she's the kind of a person who has troubles accepting other peoples opinions and i'm kind of a weak personality and i don't want to be influenced too much. so it's probably all for the best. but i just don't know...

i'm just getting more alone, am i?

#journal #20.10.2013 #meh

23rd september 2013 - "let's be bored for a week", a 12 year old girl said, when her laptop was taken away from her.

upcoming questions: can you love an electronic device? can you love a blogging website?

my laptop broke and it's not that bad at all but my parents recently recognized my addiction to the interwebs and they want to force me to read more. they see this as a chance. i don't know why i don't like their idea, but i don't. it makes me angry. i'm not used to feel this way, it's probably because they don't have any other reason to make me read than simply because of the idea of reading and how it makes you seem intellectual. they don't want to make me interested in books and stories and show me new topics and things i haven't known about before, they just want me to read. i like reading. i also like living up to their expectations, so i'll try to get along with it: let's read and hate it and paint my nails! let's be bored for a week! and then try to get my laptop back for gods sake!

anything else interesting happening? no, as always, my live is boring. i'm looking forward to my trip to london. i booked it today! finally! it's gonna be amazing. i also booked the warner brothers studio tour, because i love harry potter. it's one of the things i must blog about everyday.

i don't know what it is with me and the internet, but it makes me feel less empty.i love that. i love to blog about movies and tv shows. even though i usually look down on miley cyrus fans, while i'm not doing anything else than they do, i still feel like a smart person. i know that reblogging gifsets of holland roden isn't smart. it's not smarter than reblogging pictures of miley cyrus. in fact reblogging pictures of miley cyrus is probably smarter these days, because it's supposed to make you think about feminism.

i am not interested in feminism. i wanted to write about this for a long time now. i am a bad person. it's undeniable. i am not smart, intellegent or politically active. i know nothing about political parties and economy and queer rights and feminism. what i know: today is tom feltons birthday. i am 12 year old girl. i'm not gonna change the word. so look down on me, people, look down on me, because i don't.

#ugh #bad #journal #23.10.2013

i need to be a literary babe so matt hitt will marry me

#boys

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i love autumn for many reasons:

you can hide your body under several layers of clothing

no one will judge you for staying inside all day

you don't sweat

you don't feel like dying every time you go out

your body automatically wants you to eat more and you can just give in to it if you're a person without regrets like me

you can always tell people that you're tired because you didn't get enough vitamin d lately when you're actually just depressed

no one expects you to be happy

people don't make fun trips and post pictures of them on facebook to make you jealous

#lists #also depressed people love darkness am i right #stuupid

can i just announce to my imaginary audience that i love my new url?

i actually just messed around with the world "crumbs" because my blog is basically just little pieces of writing and unfinished thoughts and the german word for crumbs: "krümel". i think crumbels sounds like fun. (crumbles was already taken.)

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