#20.10.2013

i'm in a very confusing mental state lately. i keep experiencing extreme happiness and sadness in a very short time (let's say it's usually around 5 hours). so at first i cry in the subway, because i get a text message from a nice girl, a girl i barely know, but still one that i spend a few good, drunk nights with. and i get so happy. i feel like i want to live this live, as if everything going to be alright, as if i have something to live for. i feel like a am able to make friends, which is the only thing i want really. and a few hours later (i think it's mostly after i checked facebook that shows me how little friends i have) i feel lonely as never before. i know it probably makes sense, because i keep having superficial social contacts when i actually want deep ones, but it still confuses me. why am i not able to tell if a social contact make me happy on the long run? do we all work like this? because i hate it. 

i miss an old friend of mine, who i used to spend a lot of time with around half a year ago. we became friends pretty fast. yes, on a party. yes, drunk. but we had one of these really deep, life changing conversations and figured that we have a lot in common when it comes to boys and all that. i kind of used her after that. i texted her about all my suicidal thoughts and relied on her to make me feel better. since the already had a depressed friend before, she couldn't take it very well. but we also had a lot of fun together. we celebrated sylvester together and it was very funny. i miss her. our friendship had a lot of potential because we were so honest with each other...

i'm also thinking about ending another friendship myself. a friend of mine, a close one, keeps telling me how bad as a person and a friend i am and i can't really deal with it. we're taking a break right now. she told me i should contact her again, when i'm ready to be a loyal friend. i don't think i'm ever gonna make it. i feel like there are reasons i am not loyal to her. she's the kind of a person who has troubles accepting other peoples opinions and i'm kind of a weak personality and i don't want to be influenced too much. so it's probably all for the best. but i just don't know...