sssssssuckmydick

i have another knee surgery scheduled in october, sometime the week of the 28, or earlier if his schedule opens up. hopefully this & the other knee surgery will correct my years of chronic pain that i’ve had, but this is my 6th total knee surgery! anyways, i’m currently looking for a temp job, but most of them are seasonal and i’ve received no call-backs, and while i’ve applied to many temp agencies, none of them have gotten back to me about possible jobs for that time period. i also don’t want to apply & interview for a non-temp job & then be fired when i explain that i have to have surgery in october, and then be out for like…. a month, and have that blemish on my resume. 

i’m in the process of applying for unemployment and/or short-term disability through my state, but since i quit & idaho is a Full Bitch, it’s quite a process and has been slow to get back to me about whether or not i quality for either of those. in short, i have no source of income from now until december at the earliest, if my surgery recovery goes well.

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I     AM     EDEN.     GOD’S     GRAND     GARDEN;     𝙰𝙱𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙾𝙽𝙴𝙳,     𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙶𝙾𝚃𝚃𝙴𝙽.

when were you going to tell me?

you can’t keep doing this to yourself.

that’s…a lot of blood.

can you walk?

please don’t lie to me.

you were supposed to leave.

i’m not going anywhere without you.

shh, it’s okay. it was just a dream.

there was nothing more you could have done.

it wasn’t your fault.

this is all my fault.

you aren’t acting like yourself.

i’m never going to let [her/him/them] hurt you again.

you’re hurting me.

don’t ever do that again.

go to hell.

please don’t cry.

you have to stay awake.

i wish i could take the pain away.

you could have died.

hey – stay with me.

it’ll be over soon.

did you ever love me?

i’m sorry. i can’t do this anymore.

things won’t always hurt this bad.

you passed out.

how much have you had?

i’m okay. it’s all fine.

it’s not okay! you’re not fine!

let me get you something for the pain.

it’s nothing. it’s just a bruise.

it’s clearly not nothing.

have you been to the doctor?

i didn’t mean the things i said.

i thought we meant something.

people who are okay don’t act like this.

you don’t have to go through this by yourself.

i don’t want you to be alone.

please don’t regret me.

i heard you crying.

you need to get some rest.

when was the last time you ate something?

i’m worried about you.

did you have another nightmare?

[name], there’s nobody there.

i want to be happy but i don’t think i deserve it.

please talk to me.

why are you mad at me?

alcohol isn’t going to solve your problems.

don’t leave me.

did you do this to yourself?

it’s breaking my heart to see you like this.

tell me what’s wrong.

tell me how to make it better.

why don’t you care?

get the hell away from me.

please don’t do this.

i can’t believe that you lied to me.

just…stay for the night.

you obviously can’t be trusted to take care of yourself, so let me do it for you.

you can’t die. i won’t let you.

just hang on, okay?

hold my hand if you need to.

i’m sorry.

why do you have a gun?

don’t panic.

just breathe.

you’re bleeding.

i’m trying to stop the bleeding.

you’ve been crying, i can tell.

you should have told me sooner.

i wanted to tell you in person.

a phone call would’ve been nice.

i hate you.

from the first 70 pages of “whiskey words & a shovel” by r.h. Sin

 “ you’re so used to being mistreated. ” 

“ you’ve gotten so used to being hurt that happiness scares you. ” 

“ who robbed you of innocence? ” 

“ who was your first? ” 

“ and the saddest part of all? you’ll cling to the good memories, as if there were any. ” 

“ the pain will always be there. ” 

“ so many people are setting the bar really low. ” 

“ you get what you allow. ”

“ i was never what you wanted. ” 

“ i was just the one you settled for. ” 

“ you’re an experience. ” 

“ meet me here. ” 

“ you were never the one. ” 

“ this was never love. ” 

“ you were simply necessary. ” 

“ i had to be hurt by you. ” 

“ i hope you find what you’re looking for. ” 

“ i hope you find the truth. ” 

“ and that’s how they control you. ” 

“ our version of living feels more like death. ” 

“ i understand you. ” 

“ i was forced to survive in your absence. ” 

“ i was faced with the realization that I never needed you. ” 

“ you’re always apologizing. ” 

“ one day I’ll stop listening. ” 

“ we grew apart.” 

“ we stopped trying. ” 

“ i’m trying to get better. ” 

“ i’m trying to get better at walking away from unhealthy situations. ” 

“ i struggle with the idea of anyone loving me unconditionally. ” 

“ sometimes I wish you waited for me. ” 

“ i got tired of going through the same shit with different people. ” 

“ it’s not your fucking fault. ” 

“ you can’t change a man. ” 

“ the thought of being in love is blinding. ” 

“ bargaining using sex.  either way you get screwed. ” 

“ the memories hurt the most. ” 

“ sometimes i get tired of thinking about the things that i don’t want to think about. ” 

“ sometimes i get so fucking tired. ”