crowberry whispers

My language learning routine is quite simple: every time I feel like it (since every day turned out to be too much, I don’t have enough time in a day for all things I want to do) I have a tiny dose of input: listen to a short podcast on youtube, read a short story or just a random post on social media. Usually I meet new words/grammars there, so I create flashcards fo them. And review the old flashcards. That’s it, that’s all I do. No textbooks, no practice, nothing else. Just input and flashcards.

And I have to admit, even if I call it “language learning”, I didn’t expect this method to be effective.

But it seems it is.

I was watching a kdrama today and at some point I realized I don’t read captions half of the time because I understand half of what they say. Like, some time ago I couldn’t understand even 1/4, and now, with almost no effort, no consistency and absolutely no structure — I see progress!

Lately I was seriously suspecting if I have ADHD (in addition to autism lol). My attention span was as short as a blink, and it was causing serious problems.

Now I run another experiment on myself in order to be more focused, more productive, have more energy and so on.

First of all, I blocked all the social media apps that I usually opened on autopilot each time I felt bored or anxious or uncertain, and each time I spent hours on there without even noticing. So now I have a time limit for all the social media apps, and it stops me from mindlessly scrolling. Seems that really works this time.

And I just realised, how much can I do in 1 (one!) minute.

I opened Instagram and asked for one more minute, I was going to check out one friend’s updates. So I watched her 5 stories. Then I checked out the stories of two other friends (each of them had several stories woth text on them) and even looked at my feed — all this before my 1 minute expired. I’m shocked, literally.

And after that one minute… well, after uploading this post, actually — I’ll go back to work on the app that actually helped me to stop my procrastinating, not only on social media but every tipe of it.

I post rarely, do not use hashtags, sometimes forget the fact that my blog exists, then go back just to find out my account was deleted for inactivity or I forgot my own login. And then I create a new blog, that lives several more years, accumulating about ten posts with 0 comments and maybe even 0 views.

Idk why I keep doing that. Just noticed that here I do the same thing. Tapping the button “Post” I refuse adding hashtags. Idk why, maybe I’m just too lazy to add them, or I don’t care. If nobody will se my writing, nothing will change for them or for me. Nothing at all. So why care?

The thing I can’t understand is why I kept creating these ghost-blogs. I never even imagined somebody to read them, but I kept writing there all the same. And I do the same here literally for no reason.

Why do I even think about it though?

Now I feel best I have in almost four years.

And for the first time in these years I don’t feel the urge to escape the reality into books or episodes. I was watching another kdrama recently and I quite like it, but I just have no time to watch the next episode for the third day in a row — not because I have to do a lot of other things, but because I choose to do other things.

Like, seriously, one episode! While typically I watched not one, but several entire series on the weekends.

Well, on of the things I chose to do instead of looking at the screen was… looking at the ceiling for some time. Idk about the benefits some self-improvement gurus promise, but it felt nice. To know that I can afford to do nothing — even if just for half an hour.

Well, in the end I got overwhelmed by my own thoughts, but still, I’ll definitely try it again.

I’m forgetting my native language.

Well, I still speak it fluently, had no problems with communication at the local market last week, but since I write mostly in English and consume content also in English (and a bit of Korean and Japanese) and living in a country where people speak Serbian (that I don’t know but forced to use)… the writing part became hard.

I have troubles with answering simple messages and writing emails in my native language. I don’t answer people not because I intent to ghost them but because I type the answer and delete it because it’s weird and type another one and find it weird too. I’ve spent half a day to compose an email in my native language, and then I switched to English and it turned out to be way easier to write that damn email in English and then translate it.

So, meet Achiever Flashcards 🎉

Since I’m constantly learning things, so I have to memorise A LOT, but as an artist I can’t stand the visual design of Anki, and other apps that I found had different issues, so I couldn’t find one that would work for me and convinced my team to made our own. And we really made it✨ (I still can’t believe it myself, but everybody on iOS can download it!).

We’re currently solving issues with Google Play, so it will be available for Android as soon as possible (I guess early November).

I’ve learned a lot in past 6 months, and even more is waiting ahead. I hope I’ll manage it all (like I have a choice, haha…)

Several years ago I had a passion that I was going to pursue for the rest of my life — it was porcelain and jewelry, I had access to both workshops and I had lots of plans to make it work together. I was going to move countries, but I’ve found an opportunity to continue working with both porcelain and jewelry.

But then all my plans became impossible overnight. When I woke up and realized that the world around me changed beyond retrieve. It is a trauma, and though I don’t want to mention it at all, I realize that it influences all my life and it is the reason why I am here and who I am now. So I have to mention it.

Anyways. I was forced to make new plans, to move in entirely different destination (fun fact, I lerned where the country I’m moving to is located just when I was buying the one-end ticket there). And finally, after two years of surviving, I feel like I got used to this new life. I still can’t come back to porcelain or jewelry — there’s no workshops in here, and I have no money to organise my own — so I’m searching for new things to learn, that will not require lots of costly stuff like kilns and jewelry gas torches or materials.

It was my thought when I opened a folder with my old unfinished project.

I was drawing and making things most of my life.

I graduated art school, attended lots of creative clubs and workshops where we made dolls, teddies, decorations, animation, costumes and other stuff, and later in uni I took jewellery and porcelain courses — and I fell in love with it! I guess if I could, I’d live in a workshop ㅋㅋㅋ And I was really happy when porcelain… teacher(?) allowed me to attend his workshop after I graduated.

But then pandemic hit, and I moved to another country, got way too much stress and didn’t do anything creative at all for two years. It was hard. And for last two days I was reading comics and found some inspiring artists and for the first time in two years I thought that I want to draw something cool too~

So… why not finish the thing I’ve already spent a lot of time on? Here’s the pic of how it started (though I’ll finish it digitally since I had no opportunity to take it with me when moving abroad)

The way I see this thing changed a lot in the past year. Or even in the past month.

I was a happy person, who naturally had to do things I didn’t like or want to do, but I always was able to do what I want as well — to draw after I finish my homework, to read books in the evening, or watch anime, or go to jewelry classes and make ceramics at home after work. I’ve always had opportunities to do anything I wish — and I was used to it. And when the pandemic hit I was not upset at all because I could spend the time I used to spend on the way to the office and back on my own projects and hobbies, on the things I love.

But then…

The war started — and all my dreams and plans and hopes and habits were ruined in an instant, and after the series of events I ended up in entirely different place, where I can not do creative things that I used to do for years. All I wanted to do was implossible here. And I was stuck with the boring work that I hated.

At some point I found myself absolutely unable to focus on my tasks — like, my attention span was shorter than a tiktok video, I struggled with filling in even a short form (I was working with documents a lot). I was distracted by literally everything, from my phone to the sounds behind my window, and the fact that I’m working from home didn’t help at all — I did anything possible but not work. And I felt as crap.

Should I even mention that I didn’t have any energy even to go buy groceries? I spent weekends watching dramas and even not remembering what I’ve watched.

But at the same point I’ve started to get less paperwork and my priorities changed — I’ve returned to working on a project that I’m really interested in — and guess what — my ability to focus ✨magically✨ reappeared, and last week I worked for 7-9 hours a day almost without distractions — though my environment or schedule or anything else didn’t change. It was just the interesting vs important but boring staff I have to do. That’s all. And still, it feels like my condition changed radically.

So lately I was thinking about all this a lot — I’ve never noticed how important is it to at least like your work. No, of course I knew that to like what you do is better than to hate it — but it never crossed my mind how much it can influence my energy levels.

There’s too much going on, and I’ll take on a huge lot of work soon (that’s my chance to finally change my life for better and I’m scared af but very excited at the same time), but first I have to finish several other things that are due december, so… I’ve got a lot of work already.

And — it doesn’t help at all, because I’m experiencing FOMO about it — all my fav kpop groups decided to make a comebak rn. Like, they literally making releases one after another and I have no time to fully enjoy each one of them ㅠㅠ

But still, if you didn’t know about Omega X — I highly recommend to check their last album (honestly my fav track is Louder, I loved it even more than Junk food): https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P-hTDnRfvsI

I’ve seen Stray Kids comeback today and it’s SLAY — I wish I could learn a choreo! And Ateez are next, though I don’t know when exactly, but I’ve seen a teaser today…

And I don’t even want to think about k and thai dramas… I waited for the Middleman’s Love for several months now — and I HAVE NO TIME TO WATCH IT!!

I had a lot of plans for October: to make a spooky photoshoot, to gather some wild pomegranates, to go and draw on a rock in the mountains… but either I had no time or the weather was too bad, so I couldn’t do anything of it.

It’s interesting that just a year ago I’d be very upset about it, but now I just think “well, it’s a pity, but it’s okay” and just go on with my life.

Despite the fact that some of my plans failed, I feel great today anyway! It’s a very nice calm evening, I’m at the kitchen cooking pumpkin soup and apple pie, earlier today I made some leaf garlands and lit candles, and behind the window is a rainstorm with lightnings. And I’m happy I’m not going anywhere, planning to sit with a cup of hot tea and read The Secret History :)

Btw, I have a nice shot of the lightning I took several months ago! Could be used as a phone wallpaper~

Like, I live by the sea, there’s a nice beach in 10 minutes walk — but I hate swimming, so I never go there. I live in a country with perfectly warm climate — and I miss the northern snowy winters like crazy.

Also I have some big deadlines at the startup I’m working for, so everything that’s not work feels like procrastinating (writing posts on tumblr included)

I’ve been a passionate reader since I’ve learnt how to read at three years old, but I’ve never seriously consider a writing as something I can do. I don’t even know why, because looking back, I’ve had a lot of things that could be realised through writing… it just didn’t occur to me to try.

So when around two months ago I finally thought “what if I write a story”, it was like someone opened a faucet with ideas and they filled my head and no time. Fortunately, not all of them are good at the second site, but now I have the ideas for two or even three stories — though I didn’t even started the first one.

To make some new wallpaper, obviously!

That’s weird how I like to make new wallpaper pairs for my phone but actually use just the old one, because I’m used to it.

Anyone want some FirstKhaotung iphone wallpapers?