You go, I go.

The smoking (both cigarettes and weed) helped with her anxiety. There were few options given the limited amount of medicine able to be produced so Ellie did what she could to alleviate it in the one of the only ways she knew how. She wet her lips before glancing over at Dina, the corners of her mouth twitching slightly as her eyebrows arched. “I’ve never smoked around him, babe.” It didn’t take long for her to finish off the half cigarette. She let out one final exhale of smoke before butting it out on the heel of her boot—an idiosyncrasy she’d unconsciously picked up from someone she had been spending time with. “A guy I met the day I got back. He’s really tall, has a nice beard…” Not the most specific descriptors. She went to sit beside Dina on the swing and smiled sweetly at J.J who was watching her with his fist stuffed into his mouth. He was likely still teething so he would chew on just about anything he could get his little hands on. “Rudy, he said his name was. He has a friend that grows tobacco so he’s got connections I guess. Gave me a few cigarettes… They help some.” Ellie looked well put together despite the seemingly permanent bags under her eyes and she was wearing her hair up again although now it was wet without any loose strands sticking out of place. She reached over to grasp J.J’s foot and playfully tickle it until he gave a kick of his leg and giggled. It made her smile. “Hey, spud. You look sleepy. Is it nap time yet? Hmm?” she cooed.

Dina rolled her eyes with a smirk. As if she didn’t already know that Ellie hadn’t smoked around JJ. “And you’re not about to start,” she told her, shooing her away if she was so desperate to finish the cigarette. Dina understood the temptation and lure of vices, especially in the world that they lived in. She certainly wasn’t one to turn down a drink when offered. She’d leave the smoking to Ellie, though. 

Dina’s struggles with coping and her trauma did not go amiss. Ellie and Tommy weren’t the only ones to have returned from Seattle with more emotional scars than when they’d left. Ellie wanted to try harder to give her partner all the support she needed—she would offer just much comfort as she’d been given. She understood the deep-seated fear Dina possessed in her absence, worrying every hour that they spent apart. It was their first day together in over two months but much progress had been made. And the day wasn’t even over yet. At Dina’s words, she replied with a soft-spoken, “Okay.” One word, their promise. Ellie leaned down and kissed J.J. atop his head before rising to her feet and making toward the door. She had the books and comics under one arm as she made her way along the streets of Jackson. At her place, she showered and put on a comfortable outfit consisting of form-fitting sweatpants and a henley left unbuttoned.

A pair of baggy pajama pants along with J.J’s toy rocket ship and some necessities were stuffed into a duffle bag that was slung over her shoulder. When she paused to check the time it had only been just over half an hour and by then she wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with her family. Ten minutes later, Ellie was stepping up onto Dina’s porch where she gave a light knock on the door to let the older woman know she had returned. She didn’t go inside just yet and lit up the partial cigarette she’d had tucked away behind an ear, leaning with her forearms on the railing as she stared out into the street at the passersby. The afternoon was nice and cool. Not at all hot like California. Ellie had always preferred the milder weather and she loved winter despite how harsh the season could be in Wyoming. “Hey, it’s nice out,” she called out over her shoulder toward the door. “We should sit out here a while.” 

All that Dina could do was trust. At least, she could try to. It went without saying that the trust she and Ellie had fostered before Santa Barbara would no longer be intact, and that it would need to be replanted and cared for in order to blossom to its former potential once again. Dina loved Ellie. She did. But she couldn’t go blindly into this, no matter how badly she wanted to. 

In the time that Ellie was gone, Dina had busied herself with reading books to JJ, sure to create voices for all of the different characters in order to paint a picture that his imagination could run freely with. Ellie had always been good with it, so in her absence, Dina had done her best to step up to the plate. 

When she finally returned, the gentle knock at the front door pulled Dina’s eyes away from the final page of JJ’s story book and over to the clock. She’d been gone for about 40 minutes. Less than an hour, she reminded herself. Just like she said. 

She pushed to her feet, JJ propped on her hip as she found her way out onto the porch. The smell of cigarette smoke carried through the air and she wrinkled her nose. She’d never been much of a smoker, though she didn’t mind one back in the days that she could go out for drinks and let loose. After her pregnancy, though, it had completely turned her off. The sight of Ellie standing there, leaning against the railing of the porch with a cigarette between her fingers, though...

hi! i appreciate all of u for reading the things that i write with @mothinked but just a friendly reminder that you are free to read whatever you want, but please do not reblog or interact with the posts in any way, as it throws off our notes and notifications and we end up missing responses, etc.

likes are fine, but reblogging is a hard no. i post stuff solo here on AO3: navyblueoveryou. interact all you’d like! shoot me a message here or on my main TLOU/TLOU2 blog here at dinaspapercrown. 

With her books tucked under one arm, Ellie moved around the couch to crouch down and give J.J’s hair one last ruffle. She looked at Dina upon hearing her change in tone. Dina was stumbling over her words now and Ellie could sense the shift in mood, sense the anxiety that had suddenly risen within her partner. It was something she herself experienced when opening closed doors. That constricting feeling of her chest getting tighter and tighter, her heart rate accelerating, the shaking hands and the struggle of trying to draw in a full breath. The rising panic that followed was almost as irrational as it was terrifying. She lowered her gaze as Dina tried multiple times to get her question out before raising it to meet brown eyes once again. A hand reached out to touch Dina’s knee and gently rub it to help alleviate her feelings of anxiety. Ellie knew that Dina experienced anxiety with having her leave home for any extended period of time—it brought back the stress and the worry of watching Ellie leave the theater, not knowing if she would ever see her girlfriend again. She was immediately overcome with guilt then upon remembering Dina’s reaction to her leaving for Santa Barbara. “About an hour,” Ellie said quietly. She kissed J.J’s forehead while continuing to rub Dina’s leg in a soothing manner. “Not long.” She settled beside her girlfriend and wordlessly stared into her eyes for a moment before slowly leaning in to kiss her. This was a kiss goodbye, a promise to return soon.

It was a weakness. A flaw in Dina’s perfect projection that she gave off to the rest of the world. The anxiety that ate away at her every single time Ellie walked out the door - Seattle, then the farm - it was relentless in its strength and ability to bring her to her knees. Dina desperately fought against it to keep her fears pushed down and invisible from the surface, but Ellie could see through her. It felt like surrender, and she fucking hated it.

Dina didn’t want to be that person. She didn’t want to be the one who was constantly waiting around, watching the door for any sign of movement, for any sound that resembled knocking, for anything that would tell her Ellie had returned safely. The way that she would take her partner into her arms when they were reunited each time, squeezing her close, their faces pressed together, Dina’s heart melting with gratitude that oh thank God, Ellie was alright.

Weakness.

The feeling of Ellie rubbing her leg gently kept her present and away from the memories of the farm and Seattle. Her touch reminded Dina that they were still in Jackson, that all of those memories were exactly that - memories. They were in the past. But they still haunted her, no matter how strong of a front she put up. She smiled weakly, nodding. “Okay,” she agreed. What else could she do? Dina had begged Ellie not to leave for Santa Barbara. Begged. She wouldn’t do it again. If Ellie returned, then she returned, and perhaps the trust would slowly rebuild itself. For now, it was her partner’s word that she could go on and nothing else. A waiting game, really. “An hour.”

Ellie’s smile grew more and more as J.J gave her a toothy little grin. “Aren’t you just smiley today, hm?” She blew a raspberry while playfully tickling his belly, making him clutch her hand and squirm about on his mother’s lap. Her eyes met Dina’s at the question about his hair and she gave a pensive frown, considering this idea. Her fingers swept through his dark tresses a few times before she responded. “I think he looks like Jesse with longer hair.” Like with Joel, it was seldom that she mentioned their dear and departed friend but Ellie couldn’t help but be reminded of him every time she looked at J.J. He had inherited several physical traits from both Dina and Jesse, was a balanced mix of them.

But the little guy had a unique personality all his own even though he was still a baby. She picked up a toy sitting at her side of the couch and began to play with J.J, giving him kisses with the stuffed animal to make him giggle while she made exaggerated smooching sounds. Eventually she let up and handed it to him. “Since I’m staying the night here, I should head back to my place and grab a change of clothes. Run a few errands while I’m out.” Ellie glanced toward the table where she’d placed the books and comics Dina had given her. She’d be sure to take those, too. She rose from the couch with a soft exhale and went to gather her things. “Need anything?”  

Dina was happy to sit and watch the interaction between JJ and Ellie as a spectator. It was something she’d been missing for what felt like eons, despite it only being a few months. She looked down at the little guy in her lap - he really did look like Jesse, didn’t he? Dina smiled softly, continuing to brush her fingers through his growing mane. He’d have a mullet like Jesse in no time, too. She’d have to clean it up at the very least sometime soon. “Mmm,” she hummed in agreement. “He is starting to look a bit like him, isn’t he?”

Breeching the topic of Jesse and Joel was not an easy feat, but Dina didn’t want to draw too much attention to it. Ellie was healing, and that much was noticeable - her eyes met Ellie’s green ones, and they communicated wordlessly. I’m proud of you.

Dina couldn’t help the smile that spread from ear to ear at the sound of JJ’s laughter as he was showered with kisses from his stuffie. “Oh!” she exclaimed with a dramatic gasp, “are you getting smoochies? Soooo many smoochies!” 

The air that had felt heavy in this home for so long was starting to feel lighter with their collective laughter. 

With JJ’s arms wrapped protectively around the stuffed animal Ellie had surrendered, Dina gently bounced him in her lap. The sinking fear of Ellie leaving was a tough one to swallow. It was hard to trust that she’d return. Did Dina owe it to her to trust her? It was hard to accept that she too could harbor some negative feelings towards Ellie, hard to accept that maybe Dina didn’t necessarily believe that once she was out that door, she’d come back as she promised. She could handle the heartbreak again, but there was no way in hell that Dina would let Ellie walk out on their son again. 

“No, I don’t think so,” she said meekly, chewing on her lip. It was clear that her energy had changed into something darker, her mind pulling her to a place that Dina didn’t want to be. “Um...” she sighed, her shoulders slumping. “When um...” she stopped and tried again. “How long...” Damnit. She cleared her throat. “When should I expect you back?”

Amidst all of the pain and loss, this was their real chance at happiness. Ellie’s hope for the future. When Dina began to cry, she gently rubbed her arm and murmured words of comfort while keeping the stethoscope in place. It was the physical intimacy that seemed to help her partner cope during these hard times so Ellie made loving gestures often. To provide the comfort that she needed. They remained like that for another minute or so until the crying ceased and tears were wiped away. Dina cried often and more easily these days, likely to do with the pregnancy hormones on top of everything else. The loss of Jesse had been especially difficult on her. She was sitting up now and the younger woman drew in a deep breath at the name suggestion for their baby, green eyes falling to look at the bump her hands were placed against. She cleared her throat then swallowed back the emotion before replying, “Yeah. We can call him that. And if it’s a girl…” Ellie paused, thinking carefully. “Talia Riley.” Her gaze flickered up to Dina’s face. “Riley was the name of my best friend. We met in Boston… A group of boys had been about to beat me up and steal my Walkman when she stepped in, threatened them and sent them running. It was pretty badass actually.” She chuckled a bit at the memory.

“She was two years older and I kinda… looked up to her. We used to sneak out of the quarantine zone and hang out in the mall, at the arcade. She was a Firefly, a fighter. Girl could kick some serious ass.” Ellie went silent for a moment before sighing softly and continuing the story. “We were in the mall one day and got ambushed by a bunch of infected. We were bitten, so we decided to wait it out and die together. I waited and waited for my turn but it never came. Marlene, the leader of the Fireflies, took me in after that and asked Joel and his partner to smuggle me out of Boston. Wound up taking me to Salt Lake City to the hospital there so they could operate on me. Find out what made me immune and engineer a vaccine from it, but Joel… had a change of heart. He killed whoever stood in his way and escaped with me. And after that we went to Jackson, since Tommy had offered us a place to stay if we wanted to.” Ellie stopped here and placed the chest piece of the stethoscope into Dina’s hand so she could move to sit cross-legged on the bed, facing Dina a little more. “I could never let it go though—it just ate away at me. I didn’t understand what had happened. He lied to me about there being other immune people, about how the Fireflies didn’t actually need me after all. It was when I left for Utah that one night and went to the hospital that I learned the truth.”

Ellie was staring down at her hands in her lap. “I gave him an ultimatum: tell me the truth and I’d go back to Jackson or continue to lie and I would go and he’d never see me again.” Dina would probably be able to connect all the dots now. How distant Ellie had been that summer, how she refused to talk to Joel again for months afterward. “He told me that the surgery would have killed me but that wasn’t his choice to make. I wanted them to make a cure, but Joel, he just… He took that from me. I could have made something out of my immunity.” Ellie rubbed tiredly at her eyes before giving her head a shake. “I thought it was pretty fucking selfish of him but he did it out of love. He didn’t want to lose me like he’d lost his daughter at the beginning of the outbreak, I guess. Doesn’t make it any less shitty what he did but… I get it.” Joel had paid dearly in the end for his choice but no fucking way did he deserved to die like that. “I just… I just don’t have it in me to be mad anymore, you know?” Her voice wavered slightly before steadying again. “I’m so tired—tired of being angry, tired of watching people die right in front of me. It’s over. I want to move forward.” Ellie managed the barest hint of a smile then leaned down to place a kiss to Dina’s belly. “This baby makes me feel happy again.” Of course she had to give the mama a kiss, too, so she did. “You make me happy.” 

Talia Riley. Talia, a nod to Dina’s older sister. Riley, a nod to Ellie’s best friend before arriving in Jackson, during a life that Dina hadn’t been a part of yet. She listened to Ellie’s story, admired the girl from Boston who had been such an integral part of her partner’s life before. “She sounds like a total badass,” Dina said with a small smile. “I think I would have liked Riley.” Growing up and living in this world post-outbreak meant loss, and so much of it. It broke Dina’s heart to hear the true story behind the tattoo that covered a chemical burn that, at the core of it all, covered a bite. It still amazed Dina to this day to know that Ellie was immune but genuinely had no idea what it meant - she’d never heard of another immune person, and from what Ellie was saying, the Fireflies hadn’t, either. So many blanks were now slowly being filled in - Ellie’s long sleeves for the first couple of summers in Jackson, the burn, the tattoo from Cat, the emotional distance after she and Ellie had grown closer, her disappearing and Joel being sent into a panic the morning he couldn’t find her anywhere around Jackson. “I’d never seen Joel so completely freaked out than I did that morning,” Dina said, recalling that she was getting ready for a patrol with Jesse when he’d come bursting into the stables in search of Ellie, only to find that her horse was gone. “I remember he was talking to Maria by the stables about how you’d left a note, but Jesse and I couldn’t hear what he said you’d written.” It made complete and total sense to Dina why Ellie would feel as if she lacked autonomy in Joel’s decision, but selfishly, she held a small bit of herself that was glad he hadn’t gone through with it. “You’re allowed to be angry, you know,” she told her partner reassuringly. “I don’t know how I’d feel if I were in that same position, but...I understand why you felt it wasn’t his choice to make. I hope you understand it isn’t your fault, though. None of it was your fault.”

It was a such a relief, it truly was. To know that the baby was alright and that its heartbeat sounded strong for the size it currently was. It took a great weight off of Ellie’s shoulders to hear that wondrous sound. And the look on Dina’s face… It was well worth spending weeks searching in earnest for a stethoscope just to share this moment with her. After all that they’d been through, they were finally rejuvenated with hope again and more than ever, Ellie wanted their very long journey home to come to an end. They needed time to heal and time to settle into this new life they would have together with a baby as a part of it. Tommy was still struggling along and needed to be on horseback most days because of how badly his leg ended up healing. His mobility was severely limited. Ellie knew wasn’t just the leg that hindered him. She was afraid that there had been some degree of trauma inflicted to his brain from the gunshot but they wouldn’t know until scans were done on him. It still haunted her, the image of him lying there in the lobby with his eye missing and blood everywhere. She’d gone into a full-blown panic attack because it reminded her of how Joel had looked and she had to sit down and keep her gaze elsewhere while Dina went about stitching his face up. What if they had to mercy kill him? What if they had no choice but to shoot him and put him out of his misery? Ellie wouldn’t have been able to do it had it actually come to that.

These dark thoughts had plagued her mind upon them seeing how much damage Abby had done on the surviving Miller brother. That day was the worst that she’d lived through after losing Joel. She had watched Jesse die, too. Two graves. She couldn’t handle digging another. Ellie laughed a bit. “Doctor dad. That’s…” She shook her head, smiling softly. “I like it.” Then came the heartbeat followed by tears and suddenly they were sharing a very tender and intimate moment. It was rare to feel joy such as this. Ellie grew to love this baby more and more during their journey—from the moment she learned of its existence to now, she knew she had to protect it. To keep the world from doing it harm, to always keep it safe from the monsters out there. For now it would be safe in the womb but what would happen once it was born? They would do their best to provide for it; it was their sole duty to love and care for this child. She took a deep, shuddering breath when Dina began to cry. For once these weren’t tears of sadness and grief. They were tears of relief and happiness. She pressed a tender kiss to her partner’s lips and could taste the saltiness of her tears. Or were they Ellie’s own tears? She couldn’t tell. While her one hand kept the stethoscope in place, the other came to rest against that precious baby bump. “I think it’s a boy,” she said with a sniff, smiling through the tears. Her forehead met Dina’s. “Just a feeling I have.”

Ellie had been worried sick when it came to the safety of their unborn child, but was doing her best to keep it under wraps (for the most part). It displayed itself in minor anxieties about Dina - how she was feeling, noticing if she needed more breaks than she had on a previous day, any pain she was in - nothing went unnoticed by Ellie. Of course it was appreciated, but Dina worried for her partner, too. They had all been through so much in such a short period of time, and there were times when she felt an unmovable guilt and responsibility for all of this. How would she face Jesse’s parents? How would she bring them the news that they’d lost their son, but gained a grandchild? These thoughts haunted Dina at night when she lie awake next to a sleeping Ellie, who never slept more than a couple of hours if they were lucky. Seattle had been a horrific nightmare of a place, and they were all grateful to be within miles of home now.

I think it’s a boy. Just a feeling I have. Dina closed her eyes and caught her lip between her teeth to keep it from trembling. “A boy,” she repeated in a shaky whisper. Would he look just like Jesse? She found herself missing his smile lately - despite the end of their romantic relationship, he was one of their best friends. His smile could somehow light up a room and make Dina want to punch him. God. A mini-Jesse running around Jackson with Dina and Ellie as his parents. He’d be a sweet thing but a nightmare for sure, full of energy and curiosity and wonder. Dina openly began to weep into her hands at the thought as the baby’s heartbeat continued through her ears. She was overwhelmed with so many emotions all at once - sadness, grief, elation, relief. At least the baby was okay. They weren’t far from Jackson now, and they’d get the proper care to ensure the best outcome. She and Ellie would be parents in a matter of months, B'ezrat hashem, as her mother would say. With God’s help. Maybe when they got back, Dina would stitch a hamsa for protection to put up by the door. She took comfort in the idea, in the sound of the baby’s heartbeat in her ears, in the feeling of Ellie being on the other end of the stethoscope, in being snugly wrapped in her partner’s clothes. 

for @cross-stitch-hamsa <3

Nearly three months. That’s how long it took them to reach the state of Wyoming in their condition. They were still several miles from Jackson but the thought of being safe again within the walls of their town after such a long and grueling journey made them push forward harder with what energy they had left. Ellie searched through every pharmacy and hospital they came across—taking any useful supplies she could carry in her backpack or in the horses’ saddlebags. There was a particular medical instrument she was looking for but had yet to find. Ellie finally found a stethoscope while browsing through an old box of equipment in one of the medical centers and she nearly shouted in joy upon seeing that it was still intact. Thank goodness. A stroke of luck. She took it with her to the lobby area where they were holed up. Tommy was seated in a chair opposite of Dina, dozing off, and Ellie quietly approached her girlfriend with the stethoscope in hand. “Hey babe, how are you doing?” She squatted down beside the chair, a hint of a smile touching her lips as they looked at each other. “There’s something I want to try… Come with me?”

To somewhere a little more private (and to let Tommy get rest without them waking him up). Ellie rose to her feet, offering a hand to Dina and helping pull her up from the chair. She wasn’t too big yet that she would struggle to get up but Ellie liked to help anyway. The less physical strain on Dina, the better. Her arm was healed now so she could handle pushing heavy objects again and carrying Dina too if need be. She took Dina by the hand and led her to one of the patient rooms where she could sit up on the bed and Ellie joined her once she was settled. “So, I’m just gonna take this—” The stethoscope’s chest piece was held up within view. “—and try and find where the baby’s back is. To, uh, hear them better.” The book she read said the earliest they’d be able to pick up on the heartbeat using the stethoscope was about four months into the pregnancy. She held hope that they would be able hear something. The week after Abby’s attack was one of tremendous stress on the three of them. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Dina and Ellie had been worried about the baby most of all.

But Dina’s belly grew bigger over the weeks that went by so the baby had to be okay, right? They wouldn’t know for sure until they visited the clinic in Jackson with people who actually knew how to operate the medical machines. Ellie put the earpieces in and concentrated while moving the drum of the stethoscope against the expanse of Dina’s abdomen. Slowly and carefully, not wanting to miss any possible sound. She didn’t look at her girlfriend because she was fixated on the task at hand: hearing the baby’s heartbeat. It took about two minutes for her to find the spot. Faint as it was, Ellie could hear it. And it was so beautiful—it was a gentle and reassuring sound. She finally lifted her gaze to Dina, a shaky but happy smile replacing her look of concentration. “Here you go. Listen closely. It’s faint but it’s there.” She offered the earpieces to her partner while keeping the drum in place between her fingers on Dina’s belly. Then she was smiling again as she watched the other woman’s face, feeling like she was on the verge of tears. Her eyes were definitely watering now.

Dina was completely and utterly drained. The trek home from Seattle had been grueling so far, and with her body ever changing as time went on, it was becoming harder and harder to do things she had once done with ease. She was needing breaks more often, needing to rest for longer periods of time, giving up on carrying her tired, aching body for miles and miles every single day. Now, she was not only carrying her own body, but the body of another human life inside of her. One that had come into existence before her relationship with Ellie had blossomed, when Jesse was still a part of her life. 

Jesse. Dina had forced him to the back of her mind. The reality that he was gone was sinking in as slowly as a feather on the surface of a tarpit. It was exhausting in its own right - not to mention the fact that Tommy had somehow survived being shot, and nearly fatally so. Sometimes, and Dina would never say this out loud, but sometimes it just felt like their entire trip to Seattle for Ellie’s vengeance had been for nothing. But maybe that was Dina’s fault. The fact that she was pregnant weighed heavily on everyone’s minds, and the focus shifted from the original mission to now getting back to Jackson in one piece in order to get Dina and the baby the care that they needed. That weighed on her.

Dina was finally beginning to show. Her typically flat and toned stomach was now rounding and protruding just enough that her shirts weren’t fitting her right these days, and she was borrowing Ellie’s looser fitting shirts to be more comfortable. At least they smelled of Ellie. It was comforting, and she would take whatever comfort she could get right now.

She had been feeling a wave of sleep come on as Tommy quietly snored in the chair next to her when Ellie came to get her, holding something in her hand that Dina couldn’t quite see. She always told Ellie that she was doing fine, if only to keep her from worrying, and agreed to go with her to somewhere that they could be alone and away from a snoozing Tommy. Though she didn’t need the help getting up, Dina always let Ellie help her, following behind her with their hands still intertwined, until they ended up in an exam room. Dina climbed up onto the bed, watching Ellie climb up beside her, tinkering around with the stethoscope. So that’s what she’d been holding. Dina watched her wordlessly, with a tired but trusting half smile. Ellie had been reading a lot of medical texts as of late, and Dina was always here to support her interest in expanding her knowledge base. She leaned back on her elbows and lifted the hem of her shirt to rest just above her growing belly, her skin exposed. “Do your thing, Dr. Dad,” she teased with a warm laugh. Ellie was so cute. No wonder Dina loved her so.