crocodileniall's fics

Of course there was also the getting used to new routines aspect of a new semester. This was Stella’s least favorite part. It was just when she got used to things, they changed again.

What didn’t change was Niall, though. He was still the very same, soft eyes meeting Stella’s from across the dining hall table. His hand in hers when they walked back to his room. This was exactly the same.

Stella periodically thought, “how lucky am I?” in regards to Niall’s kindness. She didn’t doubt for a moment that she was lucky, not taking any moment for granted.

That was why she kissed him more than usual, thanked him for everything and hoped he knew how grateful she was. There was a bit of fear inside of her, that this would come to a crashing end. Stella would be destroyed. She knew she would.

“What are you thinking about?” Niall asked, unlocking his door. “You’ve been quiet all evening.”

“Just thinking,” Stella shook her head as they walked in. “Tired. Stressed. You know the bits.”

“Right but...” Niall trailed off with a chuckle. “Those aren’t usually things that keep you quiet.”

Stella silently cursed him as she collapsed in his bed. “Don’t know what you mean.”

“I’m sure you don’t,” Niall rolled his eyes, taking his jacket off. “You know me. Talking absolute none sense.”

“Right,” Stella agreed, crawling under his duvet.

“You have homework,” Niall reminded her, sitting down at his desk. “And so do I. You said you were going to do it.”

“It’s not due for another two days,” Stella argued, eyes fluttering as her senses were overwhelmed by being in his bed. They always were.  

“Well mine’s due tomorrow morning so I have to...” he trailed off, looking over his shoulder at her. “I have to get mine done. Stop looking like that.”

“Like what?” Stella asked, laughing.

“Like that,” he emphasized. “In my bed. I need to focus.”

“Stop looking at me,” Stella laughed, shaking her head.

“Fuckin’ hell,” he muttered, turning around in his chair. “But I know you’re laying there waiting for me.”

“Take your time,” Stella murmured, relaxing against the mattress. “I’m not moving any time soon.”

This time when Stella closed her eyes she thought about New Year’s Day. She had to open her eyes, feeling breathless at the thought. She had no business thinking about that now.

“It’s an easy assignment,” Niall told her. “A discussion board on whether or not Napoleon’s invading Egypt was ethical or not.”

“Interesting,” Stella mumbled. “The answer is no, correct?”

“I have no idea,” Niall shrugged. “And that’s what I’m writing. I literally do not know.”

“Honesty,” Stella commented. “Nice.”

Stella lasted ten minutes before she fell asleep. Niall was engrossed in his work, unaware. January was miserable in Manchester. Rain and gloom. It wore Stella out, exhausted her. Most nights, she preferred Niall’s bed over her own but she didn’t usually let herself stay. Maybe tonight would be different.

“Stella,” Niall drawled out, closing his laptop. “I finished now we can...” he trailed off, settling his eyes on her, “hang out.”

Niall got into bed beside her, not caring if he woke her up. He didn’t. He settled beside her, staring at the ceiling until he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Stella,” he mumbled, nudging her.

“Niall,” Stella mumbled back, nudging him with her foot. “Shhh.”

“No,” he laughed. “Wake up. It’s only seven.”

“I’m tired,” Stella emphasized, rolling into her back. “What is the reason you woke me?”

“Oversleeping can increase your risk of heart disease and obesity,” Niall answered, almost robotically. “I’m just looking out for you.”

“Right,” Stella laughed, rubbing her eyes. “God, Niall, that’s absolutely ridiculous.”

“I’m looking out for you,” he repeated, laughing.

“altruistic,” Stella murmured, looking up at him.

“Always,” Niall mused, pushing his fingers through her hair. “Finished my assignment.”

“Good,” Stella mumbled. “Anything else I missed in the last twenty minutes?”

“Yes your phones been going off. Veda,” he told her, though he hoped she wouldn’t move.

Stella didn’t, eyelashes fluttering as Niall continued to run his fingers through her hair, “I’ll fall asleep again.”

“Don’t do that we’re hanging out,” Niall argued. “Wanna talk to you.”

“About what?” Stella asked, tired. “We talk a lot, you know.”

“I know,” Niall chuckled, letting his hand fall from her hair. “You can go to sleep.”

“No we can talk,” Stella shook her head, rolling onto her back. “What’s on your mind?”

“I should be asking  you what’s on your mind,” Niall emphasized. “What was that eerie quiet earlier?”

“Oh nothing,” Stella chuckled, rubbing her forehead. “Just... thoughts.”

“About?” Niall laughed.

“I don’t know,” Stella laughed, shaking her head. “Nothing. It was nothing. Just tired.”

“Right, the bits,” Niall agreed. “One day, Stella you will spill your secrets. I just know.”

“They’re not secrets,” Stella laughed, looking up at him. “Do you share every thought that pops into your mind?”

“No,” Niall chuckled. “But I certainly don’t get distracted the way you do. Thinking secret thoughts that are just so secret you can’t tell anyone.”

“You aren’t gonna let me out of this one, are you?” Stella deadpanned, eyes narrowing at him.

“I was thinking about it,” Niall laughed. “But now since  you’ve given me that look, no, I’m not. Spill.”

“I was thinking about last semester. How crazy it’s been,” Stella shrugged.

“That’s it?”

“And what would happen if we broke up,” Stella added, convinced he wouldn’t stop until she’d said it.

“Oh,” Niall mumbled, eyebrows furrowing. “That’s not a good thought. You want... you’d want to-“

“No,” Stella cut him off with a startled laugh. “No, of course not. It was just a fleeting thought like I’d be devastated if that happened, those sorts of things.”

“Right,” Niall agreed.

“You’re upset?” Stella murmured. It was half a question, half a statement. Judging by the look on Niall’s face, eyebrows knitted together still it could have been a statement.

“Not upset,” Niall shook his head. “I pressed you to tell me and I shouldn’t get upset about what you think about. Thoughts are private, you know.”

“Right,” Stella agreed, though she did feel guilty.

“Do you think about that a lot?” Niall asked, looking up at her.  

“No,” Stella shook her head. “Never. I never think about it. It just happened upon me. I think I was thinking about how grateful I am for you, and then thought I’d be crushed if this ends because I’m so happy with you.”

“Well that’s a relief,” Niall chuckled. “So you don’t daydream about breaking up?”

“No,” Stella laughed, sliding her hand into his. “I don’t daydream about breaking up.”

“Good,” Niall mumbled, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. “Stella Bella, if I hear you thinking about us breaking up I’ll... I’ll... I don’t know what I’ll do but it’ll be serious.”

“Hm I’m sure,” Stella murmured, letting him pull her in.

Niall slid his hand around her waist and Stella couldn’t remember why she was thinking about breaking up in the first place. Niall kissed her softly and it was decided, they’d never break up because this, between them, was too good to let go.

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“Why’re you awake?” Niall mumbled beside her.

“How’d you know I’m awake?” Stella asked, all too amused as she rolled over to face him.

Niall rolled over, chuckling as he wrapped his arms around her, “because I just know.”

Niall smiled at her and Stella had flashes of the night before in her mind. She remembered watching Nadia walk in with her boyfriend, the twinge she felt for reasons she didn’t know. The way Niall hardly noticed, too busy talking to his friends but Stella saw her, saw her looking at Niall, saw her looking at her.

And then Niall wrapped his arm around her waist and introduced them. It was like she was looking in a mirror that showed her the past. Her cool green eyes glinting at Niall like they had age old secrets. Sure, they did, but Stella didn’t want there to be secrets.  

“What is it?” Niall asked, smile faltering.

“Nothing,” Stella shook her head, eyelashes fluttering. “Thanks for carrying me to bed last night.”

“Of course,” Niall murmured, nose brushing against her jaw. “Veda would’ve pushed you to the floor. Practically saved your life.”

“I appreciate it,” Stella mumbled as his hand slid down her t-shirt clad side, over her hip. His hand stilled, thumb ghosting over her bare thigh.

“Stella,” Niall chuckled, pulling away to look at her.“Where are your pants?”

“Lost them,” Stella murmured as if that was a logical excuse. Niall put her in sweatpants before bed, the polite thing to do. Drunk Stella had a mind of her own, though.

“Warn a guy, would ya?” Niall breathed, kissing at her neck.

And there it was, the ache between her legs. Stella closed her eyes, letting out a soft breath. “Stel,” he murmured against her neck. “I’m so glad you came.”

“Me too,” she agreed, breathless.

“Sorry Nadia came,” he added because it was on his mind too. “I didn’t think she’d...”

“It’s okay,” Stella responded hoping it was convincing.

“But did you have fun?” Niall questioned, hand slipping beneath her t-shirt, brushing over her ribs, fingers unable to settle on one spot.

“I had a lot of fun,” Stella answered, truthfully. “The most fun.”

“My mates liked you,” Niall smiled, letting out a chuckle. “Said you were funny and too smart for me. Cant believe Veda pulled trivia pursuit out. Even drunk, you’re the smartest person in the room.”

“That’s high praise,” Stella mused. “There weren’t very many people there, though.”

“The sentiment still remains,” Niall murmured, nosing along her jaw. “I can’t stop thinking about what little clothing there is between us.”

“Me either,” Stella breathed out, eyes fluttering shut. “I should’ve kept my pants on.”

“I’m not mad that they’re off,” Niall supplied, thumbing over her bottom lip. “It’d be so easy to just...” he trailed off, fingers ghosting over the waistband of her underwear. “Slide my hand down and...”

“Niall,” Stella breathed out, eyes slipping shut.

“But it’s all up to you, lover,” Niall added, nose brushing against hers. “You say no, it’s no.”

“It’s-“ Stella cut off letting out a breath. “It’s not no it’s...”

“It’s yes?” Niall mused.

“Mmm yes,” Stella breathed. “It’s yes. The opposite of no.”

Niall caught Stella’s lips in a desperate kiss, hips colliding with hers. Stella all but moaned against his lips. She was bursting at the seams, hot everywhere. A hot that made her breathless and achey, that only one thing would fix.

Niall slid his hand between her legs and Stella let out a moan that had Niall cursing against her lips. He tugged sharply on her bottom lip, listening to the way she gasped. Niall decided there was nothing he wanted more than to make her feel good, to make those sounds for him.

When Niall’s hand slid inside of her underwear, Stella was gone, a whimper leaving her lips that Niall silenced with a kiss, desperate and needy. Niall brushed his finger over her clit and Stella moaned, breaking the kiss, “Niall,” she breathed out. “I have to tell you something.”

“What?” Niall murmured.

“Conner never touched me,” she whispered.

“That’s such a shame, Stella,” Niall breathed out, kissing her neck. “All I want to do is touch you. Hear you breathe and gasp and-“ he cut off with a groan. “Those moans of yours, lover please.”

“Please,” Stella whispers, desperate.

Niall’s touches become more intentional, soft strokes that made Stella gasp out, head falling to his shoulder. Niall talked her through it, murmuring in her ear just how much he loves this, how much he wants Stella to get there, to give it to him. Stella’s orgasm washed over her like a tidal wave. She gasped his name, arching against him and Niall watched every second of it, not wanting to miss a single thing.

Stella collapsed beside him, eyes fluttering shut. Her breathing returned to normal but the flush on her skin remained. Niall kissed her soft and sweet like a thank you. Niall nosed along her jaw until Stella opened her eyes to look at him.

“Stella Bella,” he murmured, pushing the sticky hair from her forehead. “We have so much to learn from each other.”

That sentence ricocheted around the room. Stella felt her eyes close again as Niall kissed her, pulling her back in. Stella was eager, so eager for anything and everything Niall had to offer.

But he slowed them down, soft kisses that lacked the heat Stella was begging for. “Slow,” he echoed.

“Slow,” Stella repeated, but instinctively she reached down, fingers toying with the waistband of his sweatpants.

“Slow,” Niall repeated with more emphasis than before. He pushed her fingers away. “Stella this will always be about you.”

“It can be about you too,” Stella argued, looking up at him through her eyelashes.

“Not today,” Niall shook his head, diving down for a gentle kiss. “Some other time. We have so much time, stel.”

So much time, yet Stella was so eager it felt like she was constantly on the edge. She wanted to jump, risk it all, let the waves wash over her but looking in Niall’s eyes made her want to wait. For the first time in a long time, she was beginning to realize that standing on the edge for a while was what she needed.

When Stella’s lips were bruised and her mind was frenzied, she pulled herself away. Niall insisted that she leave the bed. Stella reasoned it was the only way they’d make it out alive.

With a coffee in hand, Stella sat down on the couch. She was freshly showered, practically glowing as Eleanor and Veda sat with her, the news on. The place was trashed, bottles and cups everywhere.

“You have a good night?” Veda asked after a long bout of silence.

“Yeah,” Stella answered. “Eleanor?”

“Yeah,” Eleanor answered. “what about you?”

“I hate you both,” Veda replied, shaking her head. “You’ve both got the same look on your faces. We all know what’s been going on this morning. And what about Veda? Why she woke up hungover on the couch freezing cold.”

“Sorry,” Stella responded sympathetically.

“Yeah sorry,” Eleanor echoed.

“Only kind of though,” Stella added.

“Yeah,” Eleanor agreed.

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Stella found it hard to think of anything else but what she’d do when she saw Niall. Would she cry? Would she kiss him immediately? Stella didn’t know. She kept her nerves at bay, thinking of everything she wanted to tell him.

Niall told her it’d be a proper party with his mates from school. She was rather anxious to meet them all. Her thoughts glossed over Nadia, wondering if she’d be there too.

Veda told her not to worry about that. It was like she could read her mind. “Niall’s in love with you,” Veda stated matter of factly. “There no other reason why he’d send you a dozen love letters. And you think he looks at anyone but you when you’re in the room? He doesn’t. I can say that with confidence after attending many of parties where you two had your eyes glued to each other.”

“This time will be no different,” Eleanor added helpfully. “I’d just like to say I didn’t get any love letters over holiday.”

“Holiday isn’t over yet, is it?” Louis declared, affronted. “Remind me to kick Niall’s ass for setting the bar unbelievably high. I’ll never forgive him for that.”

Stella chuckled, shaking her head, “Louis just do better.”

Stella felt relieved at that, though. She let herself relax against the seat, eyes fluttering shut for a moment. Nadia wasn’t even a thought in his mind.

This became apparently clear when she laid eyes on Niall after weeks. There was no one but him. Stella collided with him, eyes falling shut as his arms wrapped around her.

“Fuckin’ hell,” she heard him whisper in her ear. “Stel, how did you get even more beautiful while we were away?”

Stella breathed out a laugh, shaking her head, “I don’t think I did.”

“I think ya did,” he murmured, hand smoothing over her hair. “I’d never tell a lie.”

Stella pulled away to get a look at him. She gave him a look, a stern one to tell him to stop playing games. Niall only laughed, shaking his head. “Let’s go inside.”

They followed Niall up the steps to his flat. He opened the door up to a spacious flat that almost left her speechless. She didn’t know what she was expecting but it wasn’t that.

“You’re wealthy,” Louis stated, quite plainly.

“Louis,” Veda scolded.

Niall chuckled, nodding, “My mam is,” he corrected. “And she works hard for it.”

He showed everyone where they could sleep. Louis and Eleanor in the guest room, Niall and Stella in his room and that left Veda the couch. She was begrudging about it, complaining that surely some other drunken person would get it before she would.

“Worst comes to worse we pull out the cot and put you in mine,” Niall chuckled. “It’s a comfy couch, Veda. I think you’re the luckiest one.”

“Well how’s about you take the couch and Stel and I will take your room,” Veda suggested, a sugary smile.

“Leave it up to Stella,” Niall suggested with a shrug. He was much too confident for his own good.

“Okay, Stella,” Veda laughed, arms crossing over her chest. “Who’ll it be?”

“I’m afraid I’m going to pick my boyfriend,” Stella laughed, shaking her head as she sat down on the couch. She had to admit the couch was comfortable. But Stella thought she’d probably sleep on rocks if it meant she’d be next to Niall.

“Wanker,” Veda muttered to no one in particular.

“So when does this party start?” Louis asked, pointedly ignoring Veda.

“Not till late,” Niall answered, sitting down beside Stella, arm draping over her shoulder. “But we can hang out. See some sights if you want. You guys ever been here?”

“I have,” Eleanor answered all too quickly. “But Louis hasn’t.”

“I haven’t either,” Veda echoed.

“I have,” Stella supplied. “When I was younger.”

“I can take you guys to see the eye,” Niall offered. “And ice skating. There’s loads to do.”

And so it was decided. Niall took them on a tour of London, his favorite spots, where he hung out in primary and all of the best places to hang out. They saw the eye. Louis and Eleanor rode it, Veda was too scared and Stella got motion sick.

They ended ice skating. Stella was breathless and achy. She’d fallen more times than she could count and Niall helped her up with a laugh, time after time.

Stella thought spending the holidays in London would be fun. Better than a Doncaster Christmas where there was always a missing plate at the table and smiled that sometimes didn’t quite reach the eyes.

But this, ice skating and falling and laughing with her best friends was fun. And Stella didn’t think any thoughts that made her chest ache. The only thing she could feel was Niall’s hand keeping hers warm and the way his cold nose pressed against her cheek as he laughed. That was happiness that she wished she could bottle and keep forever.

Stella collapsed on Niall’s bed, eyes fluttering shut. Everyone had gone to get ready for the party but she was exhausted. She felt Niall settle beside her, echoing a sigh, “ya have fun?”

“Loads,” Stella answered, opening her eyes. “The most fun I’ve ever had.”

“I’m glad,” Niall mused, lips spreading into a smile. “Hey look at me.”

Stella rolled over on her side to look at him. Niall slid his hand over her hip, pulling her close until their bodies collided. Stella closed her eyes, knowing what was coming next. Niall kissed her soft and sweet.

A bold move, Stella draped her leg over Nialls hip pressing herself against him. The contact made Niall breathe a laugh against her lips. “Stel,” he murmured.

“I missed you,” she mumbled back.

“I missed you too,” he urged, pushing his fingers through her hair. “So much.”

“Wanna keep kissing,” Stella murmured just before kissing him again, almost urgently.

And who was Niall to deny her? He kissed her back urgently, sliding his hand up her thigh. Stella groaned against his lips, wanting more. Niall’s lips on her neck and Stella couldn’t think straight, eyes slipping shut.

For a moment, she thought if this is how it happened. If the first time she had sex with Niall would be in his London bedroom right before his primary friends came over. That thought pulled Stella from it. She let out a breath, pulling away.

Niall caught his breath, running his hand through his hair, “fuck, Stella.”

“Slow,” she murmured, rolling onto her back.

“We should get ready,” he said.

“I agree,” Stella agreed, though she didn’t move.

Niall didn’t either, letting out a sigh. Finally he said, “you want to have sex?”

“Um,” Stella chuckled. “Yeah. Do you?”

“Fuck yeah,” he breathed out, scrubbing his hand over his face. “Not tonight.”

“Not tonight,” she agreed. “Too much to drink.”

“Exactly,” he echoed.

“But eventually,” Stella concluded. “We will eventually.”

“We will,” he agreed. “If you think you’re ready. Louis told me about Conner and-“

“Louis told you about Conner?” Stella cut him off, sitting up. She didn’t know why it made her angry but it did, heart beginning to race.

“He just mentioned it,” Niall backtracked, sitting up.

“That wasn’t his thing to mention,” Stella snapped, running her hands through her hair.

“But you never mentioned it,” Niall argued. “I’ve been open and honest about everything with Nadia and-and it’s like you’ve never so much as mentioned his name. Fuck, I hardly knew you had an ex until Louis mentioned it.”

“You could’ve asked me,” Stella argued, eyebrows furrowing. “What so you and Louis just sit around talking about my exes, then? When I’m not even there to defend myself?”

“Defend yourself- Stella that isn’t what it was. This wasn’t some malicious conversation where I demanded that Louis tell me everything about you and Conner. He just mentioned something about someone named Conner and I asked who it was so he told me.”

“What did he tell you?”

“That Conner was your ex and it didn’t end well,” Niall shrugged.

“And why would you get the impression that it’d affect my wanting to have sex with you?” Stella snapped, feeling angry all over again.

“I don’t know!” Niall exclaimed, exasperated. “I don’t know, stel. Fuck, I guess it was just really shitty of me to care about your feelings, to-to respect you. Trust me, it’ll never happen again.”

Stella remained quiet, thinking the situation over. So maybe Conner was a sore spot. She didn’t like to talk about it. Because who’d want to talk about the person she slept with on and off for a year who was so embarrassed of her that he wouldn’t tell anyone. And that wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t humiliated her at school nearly every day because of it.

Stella reasoned that she had a right to be angry. She had the right to be angry for as long as she wanted to. So Stella let out a breath, shaking her head, “I’m going to get ready.”

“Stella,” Niall sighed, hoping she’d stop. That she’d turn around and change her mind.

But Stella grabbed her bag, disappearing from his room. She didn’t get ready, she found Veda in the guest room getting ready with Eleanor and she closed the door behind her, letting out a viscous groan.

“Uh oh,” Veda mumbled, meeting her eyes through the mirror. “What happened?”

“Louis told Niall about Conner,” Stella murmured.  

“Uh oh,” Veda repeated, turning around to look at her. “A really big uh oh. Everything okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Stella answered, dropping her bag on the bed. “I just want to get ready for this stupid party. And before anyone asks, yes the probability of his ex girlfriend attending this party are really fucking high.”

“It’s all going to be okay,” Veda assured her. “And it’s not all as bad as it seems, you know. Niall cares about you. Whatever happened, you’ll get through it.”

Stella tried to repeat that in her mind as she got ready. They’d get through it. She knew they would. Stella just wanted to be mad for a while.

It was harder to stay mad than Stella originally thought. She went for a drink in the kitchen and Niall was there, watching her solemnly as if he’d wounded her. In some ways he may have.

“Hey,” Stella said, pouring some vodka into a cup. “Do you have any juice?”

“In the fridge,” Niall answered without reluctance. “Can this fight be over now?”

“No,” Stella answered, back to him as she opened the fridge. “Because we didn’t even talk about Conner.”

“I got the impression that you didn’t want to talk about Conner,” Niall muttered, rubbing his forehead.

“I don’t,” Stella emphasized, pouring the juice into her cup. “But if you want to know about him I’ll tell you.”

“I don’t want you to-“ Niall cut off as Louis walked in the room. His eyes met Stella’s, watching as she looked away.

“Hey,” Louis said. As an afterthought, he added, “am I interrupting?”

“No,” Stella answered, lifting her head to look at him. “Just grabbing a drink.”

“Feels tense,” Louis commented, leaning against the counter.

“Must be your imagination,” Stella replied, a hint of annoyance to her voice. She spared Niall a glance as headed for the door.

“Stella wait,” Niall sighed, two steps behind her.

“Niall,” Stella sighed out, rubbing her forehead as she continued walking. “First you want me to talk about it and then I said fine I’ll talk and then suddenly you don’t want to know.”

“I don’t want to know like this,” Niall explained, closing his bedroom door behind them. “I want you to feel comfortable enough to tell me on your own not- fuck I don’t know.”

“It’s not that I don’t feel comfortable it’s just...” Stella trailed off, sitting down on his bed. She set her cup down, shaking her head, “It didn’t seem important.”

“A year long relationship seems kind of important to me.”

“Does it?” Stella questioned, head tilting to the side. “Because for a whole entire year I hated myself for all the ways I made myself small for him. And that isn’t important I’m not- I don’t want to be that person- I’m not that person.”

“That is a part of you, though,” Niall supplied, sitting down beside her.

“It is,” Stella agreed. “But I don’t want you to think of me as that person.”

“I don’t,” Niall urged.

“But it seems like you do,” Stella argued. “You implied that because of Conner, for some reason,  I wouldn’t want to have sex with you.”

“I guess maybe I meant that,” Niall conceded. “Because I just don’t know anything. There’s lots of blanks, I guess. I’m trying to be respectful. I don’t want to do these things wrong.”

“You couldn’t do them wrong,” Stella assured him. “I don’t even know what I’m doing. You do.”

“I don’t,” Niall chuckled.

“So neither of us knows what we’re doing,” Stella muttered. “That’s great.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Niall laughed, wrapping his arm around her waist.

And Stella knew they would. Or maybe they would never figure it out. She kissed him softly, her most purest form of apology. Niall kissed her back, sliding his hand over her denim clad thigh and all was forgiven.

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The scribbled Niall Horan and his address, all the way from London was enough to melt Stella from the inside out.

Stella sat down on her bed, cold fingers ripping the envelope. Her eyes glanced over the letter, quick and fleeting. Her lips, unable to help themselves, spread into a smile.

December 13

Dear Stella,

I saw you yesterday but I miss you. And by the time you get this, it will be days since we saw each other. That means that I’ll miss you even more than I did when I wrote this. Think about that, stel. Now there’s only 26 days until we see each other again. Maybe sooner if you play your cards right.

- Niall

Stella called him, hoping to play her cards the most right she possibly could. She collapsed on her bed, waiting for Niall’s smiling face to greet her.

He did just the way she expected, disheveled hair and flushed cheeks like he’d ran a marathon. “Stella Stella,” he said, eyes glancing down. “To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing your pretty face?”

“I got your letter,” Stella told him, an achy smile on her face.

“Oh yeah?” He asked, meeting her eyes. He has a glint in them that she could see even through the grainy camera. “Which one?”

And thus began the never ending number of letters that showed up in her mailbox. It was enough to make Stella want to burst at the seams. Each letter was returned with a FaceTime where all Niall could do was grin at her loss of words.

“I said I’d write you love letters,” Niall chided, all knowingly.

“You were high when you said that,” Stella emphasized, eyebrows raising. “And I didn’t think you remembered.”

“Of course I remembered,” Niall chuckled. “I say what I mean.”

“I know,” Stella murmured, rolling her bottom lip between her fingers.

Stella tried to think of all the ways she could get him back. Nothing compared to a love letter, so she wrote him one. A long one where she told him just how much she was missing him and his smile and his touch and his laugh- and his jumpers.

By the time Niall got it, it was Christmas Eve and Stella was delightfully tipsy, on a high after spending so much time with Ludo. A figurative high, of course.

Niall’s call came well after midnight when all their guests had left. Stella was still in her nice dress, eyes a bit blurry but she pulled herself away from the lively conversation she was having with Ludo and her mother in the living room.

Stella answered as she closed her bedroom door behind her. Niall was there again, hair disheveled again and she could see the plaid of his dress shirt. “Niall,” she said.

“Happy Christmas, lover,” he murmured, lips spreading into a smile. “I got your letter. I loved it.”

Stella tried not to think about how that was the first time he’s ever called her anything but Stella. She’d never imagined herself as a lover. Maybe a love. But if Niall thought she could be a lover, maybe she could.

She felt so far away from him. Maybe it was the alcohol in her that made her eyes sting, looking at him. He was talking about his night, how dinner with his mum and her boyfriend was fun and not at all dreadful the way he thought it was.

Stella didn’t realize she was crying until Niall asked, “what’s wrong?”

Stella wiped at her eyes carelessly not worrying that she’d smudge her makeup. “I think I’m drunk.”

“I think you are too,” Niall mused. “Anything wrong, though?”

“Just miss you,” she shook her head. As an afterthought, she added, “loads.”

“Miss you too,” Niall murmured, chuckling.  “But you had a nice night?”

“Mm,” Stella hummed a whole new wave of emotions rushing through her. She had fun. Drank. Laughed. Ate. There was nothing to complain about. “No complaints,” she said.

“I’m sure you have some.”

“I do,” she agreed. “Just don’t want to say them out loud.”

“Do you have New Years plans?” Niall asked after a moment, voice soft.  

“Just with Louis and Veda. Maybe Eleanor too. She’s in Leeds right now.”

“I know it’s a few days away but...” Niall trailed off, letting out a soft breath. “My mam is heading to New York. Her boyfriend- Will- that’s his name. Will has a flat there. They’re spending New Years there.”

“Hm,” Stella hummed. “What are you doing?”

“Dunno,” Niall chuckled, scratching the back of his neck.

Stella knew he was nervous, had something on his mind that he was working up the nerve to say. Stella laughed, “Niall just say it.”

“You guys wanna spend the new year in London?” Niall asked with a chuckle. “I dunno is it rude to ask you to come out. Like come see me, you know?”

“It’s not rude,” Stella shook her head, rolling into her side. “I’ll ask them. I’ll be there, though. For sure.”

“For sure?” Niall asked, eyes lighting up at that.

“For sure,” Stella confirmed with a smile. “Wouldn’t miss an opportunity to kiss you.”

“Mm fuck,” Niall chuckled, running his fingers through his hair, disheveling it even more. “I’m glad. Really glad you said that. I can’t wait.”

Stella couldn’t either. She let out a sigh, trying to memorize his tired face, his happy tired face that she couldn’t wait to see. Until then, she’d settle for love letters and FaceTime calls.

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Stella tried to connect the dots of what went down with Zayn but she couldn’t. Veda refused to fill in the blanks. She didn’t want Stella to understand

And that was fine, Stella reasoned. Except it was Saturday night, they’d be in Doncaster this time tomorrow. Stella could feel her time with Niall slipping between her fingertips.

“No one said that you couldn’t come,” Stella emphasized. In Stella’s mind, she was imagining pulling Niall into the bathroom to kiss him just for a while. Or convincing him to leave with her.

“I don’t want to go,” Veda responded, eyes drifting up from her phone to look at the tv. The tv which was playing Christmas movies already and was annoying Stella terribly.

Stella wouldn’t go without her. Veda knew this. Neither one of them acknowledged that. Stella rolled her bottom lip between her fingers, impatiently looking between the crooked clock on the wall and the tv.

“Go if you want to,” Veda finally said.

“I won’t go without you,” Stella answered almost automatically.

“But you’re dying to see your wonderful boyfriend,” Veda added tactfully. “Stel, just go.”

“I don’t want to go to Zayn’s,” Stella urged as her phone began to vibrate in her sweatshirt pocket. She pulled it out to confirm her suspicions. It was Niall. His name in all caps and a picture of them. A selfie they took weeks ago before they were officially together.

“Answer it,” Veda laughed, shaking her head. “I don’t know why this is so hard for you. Choose him, Stella.”

Stella answered it, sliding out of bed. He answered as soon as her feet hit the floor, “Stella Bella,” he said.

“Niall,” she answered, already halfway to the door.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

“Veda doesn’t want to come,” Stella told him, voice soft as she leaned against the wall in the hallway outside of their room.

“I figured she wouldn’t,” Niall responded equally as soft. “That’s why I’m in my room waiting for you to come up because I have a bottle of rum and Chinese takeaway.”

Stella breathed out a laugh, scrubbing her hand over her face, “okay, okay.”

“And bring all of those jumpers you’ve stlen from me,” Niall added as an after thought.

“I’ll bring most of them,” Stella reasoned because she owned his eagles jumper even if he didn’t know it.

“Fair play,” Niall mused. “See you soon, love.”

Stella carried herself back into her room, phone clutched in her hand. She felt like she was giving Veda bad news. It wasn’t but it felt like it was.

“I’m going to hang out with Niall,” Stella said, opening her closer door. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Veda emphasized. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes,” Stella chuckled, pulling out the jumpers she promised she’d return. “We’re just hanging out in his room. Not at Zayn’s.”

“It’d be okay if you were going to Zayn’s,” Veda added all too matter of factly.  

“Veda,” Stella sighed, “I pick you in whatever this mess is. I’m on your side.”

“There are no sides it’s just-“

“There are sides,” Stella cut her off as she draped her pile of jumpers over her arm. “And I’m on yours.”

“Okay,” Veda conceded. “Are you having sex tonight.”

“Niall says no,” Stella responded, pocketing her phone. “But I might not be back tonight. Or in the morning.”

“I’ll revel in my last bit of silence until I go back to the madhouse,” Veda mused. “And have fun. Good wholesome Stella Bella Grace fun that her mother would approve of.”

“Noted,” Stella laughed, shaking her head. “I’ll see you later.”

“Laters,” Veda answered, turning the television up.

Stella took the elevator up to Niall’s room, feelings relieved. When he opened the door, Stella was even more relieved. At ease, maybe. The worry left her mind.

“It’s about time,” Niall sang, letting her in. “And this isn’t all of the jumpers. Where’s the eagles one?”

“Oh I don’t have that one,” Stella shook her head as he took them from her.

“Yes you most certainly do,” he laughed but had absolutely no intentions of actually getting it back.

Stella sat down on the futon, feet on the table. Niall was beside her within the second, handing her a container of takeaway. “Did you really think we’d spend our last night together at a stupid party?”

“I don’t know,” Stella shrugged, settling beside him.

“Lou and El didn’t go either,” Niall added offhandedly. “We didn’t go, and neither did Veda. That’s almost none of his friends.”

“Wow,” Stella mumbled. “Sides have been picked.”

“It’s just like,” Niall shook his head. “Veda came to him open and honest and he was a dick talking about how he just wanted to fuck around. He’s been fucking around on her and everything too. So yeah, sides have been picked.”

“I’m sure Veda would be displeased to hear that,” Stella mused, thinking about the way she urged her to go to that party.

“I’m sure she would too,” Niall chuckled, scratching the back of his neck.

Nothing came easy to Veda. They’d been friends long enough for Stella to know that. She’s worked so hard to get here and that’s the worst part. Stella thought she deserved the world. Instead she’d been given less than over and over again to the point where it’s what she thought she deserved.

Maybe Niall knew that, or maybe he didn’t. Either way, he was kind. Stella saw his kindness every day. It was buying her dinner or lending her a jumper or looking out for her friends.

“Thanks for everything,” Stella said after a long moment of silence. It just didn’t seem like enough.

“You’re welcome, Stel,” Niall smiled right before he took a bite of his food.

And it hit her again that they were spending so much time apart. The feeling ached inside of her as she watched Niall eat. He gave her a look of confusion, eyebrows furrowing. “Niall,” she said. “We’re leaving tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow evening,” he corrected. “And it’s not for good. You can worry after you leave.”

Stella only stopped worrying when Niall made her. He took the takeaway from her hands, setting it on the table. Stella groaned out a laugh as he draped her legs over his lap.

“Stella let me teach you about stoicism,” Niall told her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Niall I know about stoicism,” Stella urged, amused. “We take the same philosophy class on different days.”

“So believe in it, then,” Niall laughed. “Don’t worry about things you can’t change.”

“There’s more to stoicism than that,” Stella groaned but she was so close to Niall that she didn’t care about stoicism. She didn’t care about any of the philosophers they talked about, just his fingers brushing against the skin of her belly.

“Tell me about the holidays,” Niall finally asked, settling his hand on her thigh. Warm hands spread over the denim of her jeans. The heat of his palm made Stella’s eyelashes fluttering.

“We go to my Gran’s,” Stella told him, finding the words. “A big dinner. Church before. Cousins and aunts and uncles and-“ Stella cut off.

“What is it?” Niall asked.  

“The holidays are weird. Have been since I was little.”

Niall hummed, nodding, “because of your dad?”

“Yeah,” Stella breathed. “But we make it as fun as it can be. Lots of alcohol. And food. And Ludo spends the whole day with us.”

“That’s nice,” Niall smiled.

“What about you?” Stella asked, shifting the attention from herself.

“Usually I go back to Ireland,” Niall told her. “Just for the holidays but Mam- I dunno. Doesn’t want to go back. Said we can have our own little Christmas in the city.”

“Just you and her?” Stella asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“And her boyfriend,” Niall added with a shrug. “Their first Christmas together. It’s a big deal, I think.”

“Well that’ll be nice,” Stella supplied in what she hoped was helpful.

“Yeah,” Niall agreed, chuckling. “Guess both our families are...”

“Yeah,” Stella murmured in agreement. “They are.”

“Gonna miss your face,” Niall murmured, fingertips sliding up her side, teasing.

Stella wasn’t sure what he was playing at. The no sex because everyone’s leaving for a month and then followed by the look on his eyes. Like he knew something she didn’t. It’s possible Niall knew lots of things Stella didn’t. In this moment, she felt like she knew nothing.

Unable to help herself, Stella asked, “are you going to see Nadia when you go home?”

“Maybe,” Niall nodded, palm flattening against her back. “But that’s only because we have the same friends. Does that worry you?”

“Um maybe,” Stella admitted.

“That’s understandable,” Niall nodded. “I think I’d be worried if I knew you were going to see your ex.”

“So I’ll just be worried,” Stella concluded.

“Let’s think about my track record, shall we?” Niall asked, amused. “Who was the one that kissed your arch enemy and then told you the next morning?”

Stella rolled her eyes, “you.”

“Exactly,” he laughed.

“But that just means that if you kiss Nadia, you’ll call me and tell me the next morning,” Stella argued.

“Oh Stella,” Niall breathed out. “One day you’ll realize just how into you I am. Until then, I will promise that nothing will happen. In no universe would anything ever happen with her.”

“Okay,” Stella agreed, turning her head to look up at him. “Kiss me?”

Niall breathed out a laugh, nodding. He caught Stella in a soft kiss, a teasing kiss that had her leaning up for more. Niall slid his hand over the curve of her bum and Stella found the confidence to take control. Legs on either side of his, perched in his lap.

Stella was always left wanting more. No matter how many times Niall kissed her, how many times she had to come up for air, Stella was begging for more. It was a desire that pooled in her belly and if she closed her eyes long enough, it’d spread to a tingle in her fingertips as they tangled in his hair.

With Niall’s lips on her neck, Stella couldn’t help the soft moan that left her lips. Niall’s lips spread into a smile against her neck before he pulled away, griping her hips tightly. “You’re making this hard, you know. Going slow.”

“You wanted to go slow,” Stella emphasized. She could feel how hot she was and hoped her flush didn’t give that away.

“This is true,” Niall mused with a gentle nod. “Just trying to do things differently. Not sure how to go about this.”

“Do whatever feels right,” Stella murmured, sitting until her knees bumped his elbows.

“We should wait,” Niall decided. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder. And all that.”

“Right,” Stella smiled, fingers brushing over his pink cheeks. “Then you’d better stop kissing my neck like that.”

“Fair play,” Niall chuckled. “And if I stop, you won’t moan. It’s a win-win.”

“Exactly,” Stella agreed though she could tell by the way Niall’s eyes drifted that he wanted to play games. He wanted to wind her up just to see how far they’d go without actually going.

Stella was okay with that, she reasoned as his fingers drifted beneath her t-shirt, teasing at the lace of her bra. Stella tilted her head to the side, eyeing him in a way that made him laugh. In turn, Stella laughed too just in time for Niall to kiss her again, sloppy and clumsy.

And Niall’s fingers dug into her side to make her laugh even more until Stella hauled herself off of his lap and away from his prodding fingers. “You’re the worst,” Stella groaned, nudging him with her foot.

“In which worst means the best,” Niall corrected, pulling her closer. “We’re leaving and you keep putting space between us, Stel. That’s just not right.”

“Sorry,” Stella grunted as she collided with him. “I was being tickled. Rather aggressively, I might add.”

“Weird,” he commented, running his fingers through her hair. “Don’t know anything about that.”

“Of course you don’t,” she agreed, a knowing smile on her lips.

“So,” Niall sighed. “I guess I should ask. Will you be seeing any of your exes at home.”

“Erm no,” Stella shook her head. “The odds are slim.”

“Well if you see them tell them that your boyfriend said hi,” he emphasized, squeezing her thigh. Stella laughed, unable to help herself because she was ticklish and Niall was the funniest person she’d ever met. That was a stretch but she believed it wholeheartedly.

“Say you’ll tell them,” Niall urged.

“I’ll tell them,” Stella groaned out, pushing his hand away from her thigh. “You’re making it hard to be close to you, ya know that?”

“I like hearing you laugh,” Niall answered, in all seriousness.

Stella had to kiss him again, soft and sweet. A thank you without words to show him how much he meant to her. It wasn’t much, Stella thought, but she hoped he knew.

Stella thought about how many miles away they’d be and a simple kiss just wouldn’t be feasible. How she’d have to be honest with her feelings while they’re away. Honest about missing him, and what it means to miss him.

Niall gave her his grin, eyes shining and Stella had a worry of what those feelings would mean. She wasn’t ready to be honest just yet.

Stella kissed him again, pushing those worry thoughts from her mind. Niall tugged on her bottom lip with his teeth and Stella had to moan again. Niall scolded her with a look, pulling away abruptly. The no moaning game was a hard one, all things considered.

“Stella Bella,” Niall sighed out, nose nudging against hers. “Cut it out. You’re driving me mad.”

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So the eight days that Stella confined herself, she thought more clearly than she probably had all semester. That was something, Stella thought as she left her last final. She’d come to the conclusion that she hated thinking clearly. She hated being aware of things that didn’t concern Niall.

Stella was stopped in her tracks when she saw Niall, a grin on his face and two coffees in his hand. Stella laughed, adjusting her book bag on her shoulders, “Niall,” she drawled out.

“Stella,” he sang, closing the distance between them.

He handed her coffee off just in time to catch her lips in a painfully chaste kiss. He smiled down at her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “how’d it go?”

“Pretty good, I think,” Stella shrugged. “I may have bombed that awful Shakespeare part but I knew everything else.”

“Well you’re an absolute genius,” Niall told her as they began to walk toward the dining hall. “I have no doubt that you aced it.”

“You have high expectations for me,” Stella mused, looking over at him.

“Well you have higher expectations for yourself,” he chuckled. “Why else would you have ignored your boyfriend for a whole entire week.”

“It was eight days- not that that makes it better,” Stella chuckled, sliding her hand into his. “And I said I’d make it up to you, didn’t I?”

“You did,” Niall nodded, looking up at her. “And how do you plan on doing that?”

“I don’t know,” Stella laughed, shrugging. “Maybe we could get high and snog.”

“That sounds absolutely incredible,” Niall laughed, stopping her before they could go inside. He pulled Stella in for a kiss that was less than chaste.

Usually public displays of affection made Stella want to crawl out of her skin but when Niall’s hand wrapped around her waist, she couldn’t think about anything else.

“Get a room,” a voice called from behind them.

Stella didn’t have to look to know it was Veda. When she looked, though, she saw Louis and Eleanor and Veda. It made Stella roll her eyes.

“Finals went well, then?” Louis asked, falling in step with them just as they walked through the doors.

“Hopefully,” Stella shrugged. “You?”

“Slept through communications, might have failed psych. Stel, I just don’t know,” Louis laughed, shaking his head. “We’ll see.”

“Bloody hell,” Stella muttered. “Louis, you have to do better.”

“I know,” he emphasized, looking back at Eleanor. Stella watched them share a look, “I know I do. I will. Next semester. I promise.”

Stella couldn’t help but feel as though everything was about to change drastically. She was set to go home in two days and there was nothing she wanted less than that.

More importantly, she was worried for Niall to go back to London. He’d admitted the ways he wasn’t at his best there. His friends, mostly. And Nadia. She couldn’t help but wonder what happens when he goes home.

Niall caught Stella’s gaze, though, and he smiled like he’d never hurt her. Those smiles were most dangerous, Stella knew. Niall was none of the boys she’s dated before but somehow they all had the same glint in their eyes.

“Stella did you hear me?” Veda urged, pulling her from her thoughts. “You never listen to anything but the thoughts in your head.”

“That’s so true,” Louis laughed.

“I have to agree,” Niall nodded.

“Fuck off,” Stella laughed, shifting in her chair. “What is it that you want, Veda?”

“I asked if I could ride home with you on Sunday,” Veda repeated. “My mum can’t get off.”

“Of course,” Stella nodded. “Mum would love to see you. Missed you the last time, you know.”

“Yeah I know,” Veda chuckled. “You goin to Zayn’s tonight?”

“I don’t know,” Stella shrugged. “I think Niall and I have plans.”

“Lou?”

“I think we have plans too,” Louis shrugged, looking apologetic.

“Fuck,” Veda grunted, rubbing her forehead. “You know I’m just- we’re just going to talk,” she decided, shouldering her bag. “I’m done playing these stupid fucking games.”

Stella watched Veda leave, a determination in her pace that was hard to ignore. Louis shared a look with Stella and she shrugged, holding her hands up, “I have no idea what that’s about.”

“Last I heard Zayn was fucking around with other girls,” Eleanor supplied, very helpfully at that.

“Yeah I heard that too,” Niall nodded. “Last weekend I think. They had a big fight at the party.”

“Well Zayn’s got what’s comin’ to him, then,” Stella concluded, setting her fork down. “Why haven’t you guys talked some sense into him yet?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that,” Louis chuckled, scratching the back of his head.

“Zayn just doesn’t like monogamy,” Niall explained, leaning forward. “And you know you don’t just become a monogamist overnight.”

“Well I mean...” Eleanor trailed off. “Louis, that doesn’t happen does it?”

“It does when you’re given ultimatums,” Louis laughed, shaking his head.

Stella tried to find the amusement in that, but she couldn’t. She hated ultimatums. They never ended well and sometimes racked up a number of resentments that wouldn’t go away.

And then Stella met Niall’s eyes and she hoped he knew that she hated ultimatums. Niall smiled, shaking his head in a way that made Stella think he knew exactly what she was thinking.

As Niall and Stella walked back to the dormitory, Stella told him, “I hate ultimatums.”

“I know,” Niall chuckled, sliding his hand into hers. “I’d expect you wouldn’t respond well to an ultimatum yourself and you’ve always followed the golden rule.”

“Some people like them,” Stella added. Louis was the kind of person that needed them and everyone knew that including Eleanor.

“Louis is going to Zayn’s tonight,” Niall told her. “Want to spend the night?”

“Sure,” Stella responded, looking up at him. She waited for Niall to make some sort of joke about sex but he didn’t and that’s where Stella felt like she should worry. “Are we....”

“Are we what?” Niall asked, seemingly oblivious. He picked the best moments to be unaware of the thoughts going on in her head.

“Never mind,” Stella shook her head, not as brave as she once was. “Do you have anything to smoke?”

“I think so,” Niall nodded.

Stella knew the days after smoking she’d feel restless and unsettled but it’s possible she wouldn’t this time. When she was with Niall she felt at ease.

This time was no different. Stella collapsed on Niall’s bed beside him, breathless feeling like she could float away. “Fuck,” Niall breathed out, rubbing his eyes.

“You know,” Stella said, “three weeks is a long time to be apart.”

“It is,” Niall agreed.

“What are we gonna do?” Stella asked, rubbing her forehead. It has come to realization that eight days without Niall was a lot. And 21 days without him was even more.

Niall breathed out a laugh, shaking his head, “fuck if I know, stel. FaceTime? Phone calls? Love letters?”

“Love letters? Niall be serious,” Stella muttered, rolling over to face him. “Won’t you miss me?”

“Of course I’ll miss you,” Niall urged, rolling over to look at her. “Like mad. I’ll miss you every second of every day. I’ll write you love letters every day.”

“Niall,” she drawled out, sighing.

“Stella,” he mimicked, pulling her closer by the hips. He pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. “Don’t worry.”

Stella tried not to worry but he was just better at it than she was. Stella thought of them as complimentary skills that they shared. Niall didn’t worry while Stella worried a lot.

Niall kissed her again and again and she felt her worries slip away. The only thing Stella could think about was the way it felt to be with him in this way. Tangled limbs and teasing touches where Stella found it hard to breathe.

Niall’s lips on her neck and Stella felt like she’d risk it all right here. She’d close her eyes and let him take control. Niall had more sense than she did, though. He found his way back to her lips where he pressed a soft kiss.

“Niall,” Stella found herself whispering. “Do you ever think about it?”

“Think about what?” He asked in his kind way, a soft question.

“You know...” Stella trailed off. “Sex.”

“Of course,” Niall laughed, knee bumping against hers. “But I reckon this isn’t a great time. I can tell you’re far away and holiday is coming up.”

Stella didn’t respond because she was feeling far away. Maybe too far away after asking that question. She let her eyes slip shut as Niall’s fingers brushed the hair from her face.

It’s possible this night was a grave mistake but the brush of his fingertips against her cheek made her want to believe different. It made her want to curl into his side and make a home for herself because it was cold outside and Niall had ways to warm her from the inside out.

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Their mother would have hot chocolate waiting for them and some sort of baked good. Later, Stella realized that baked goods only came if mum was really stressed. Or sad. Baked goods came a lot after dad passed away. But Stella would never complain about a homemade chocolate chip cookie.

For a moment, Stella thought about bringing Niall home. Letting him meet Ludo if she could manage to track him down for longer than ten minutes. And she’d let her mother embarrass her with stories of a younger Stella that felt like a lifetime ago. All of that felt like a dream that Stella didn’t have the courage to conjure up.

Because after all this time, Stella had been looking for a label between them. Louis was right, she liked to define everything. She liked to have all the answers to the worlds toughest questions, starting with, what are we?

November was hinting like maybe it would steal the bitterness from December. Stella knew this because her cheeks burned from the wind and she couldn’t get over the way it felt when Niall picked her up just to get her feet off the ground so he could kick the ball.

It made Stella laugh, the kind that made her lose her balance. She was off kilter, laughing into Niall’s jacket as they fell to the ground. Niall’s own laugh sounded like music to her ears and his arms were tight around her waist.

Stella rolled over, to look at him, eyes absolutely shining. Niall’s cheeks were equally as pink, maybe even darker. Stella pressed a kiss to his ice cold lips with tongue. It was the kind that got Niall to lose all the thoughts in his mind.

Stella was better than that, though. She knew better. She pulled herself from Niall, jumping to her feet to get the discarded ball. Niall let out a boisterous laugh at her cheap trick. He was right behind her though, not willing to go down without a fight.

They were friends, Stella let herself remember when they finally called it quits. It was a tie. They were friends who hung out a lot more than friends usually did. So maybe they were best friends.

Because Stella told Niall about how her father died when she was young and she didn’t understand but she knew her mother was never the same. The house was never the same and Ludo was never the same. That was something she never even told Veda. So they were best friends.

Best friends who kissed a lot, who held hands, who stole glances without caring who was watching. Stella thought she liked that better than boyfriend. Every boyfriend she’d ever had broke her heart in two.

“What are you thinking about?” Niall finally asked as they sat on the futon in his room.

“Nothing,” Stella shook her head, picking up her cup of coffee. The warmth of the room made Stella feel better. She felt like she’d finally caught her breath.

“You sure?” Niall asked, eyebrows furrowing. He could tell more about her than he’d like to admit.

“Yeah,” Stella nodded, still not quite meeting his eyes.

“Stella,” he murmured, a hand on her thigh.

Stella was gone, looking up at him. Her cheeks warmed all over again. It wasn’t a hard conversation to have but Stella felt so full that she’d burst.

“What is it?” He asked, voice soft.

“We’re friends,” Stella murmured.

“Best friends,” Niall supplied because even he knew that word wasn’t quite right for them.

“Best friends,” she echoed. She wouldn’t point out how that word was reserved for Louis and Veda almost exclusively. It made her feel like that word wasn’t right either.

“Is this what I think it is?” Niall asked, turning to face her. “The talk.”

“What talk?” Stella asked, trying to play pretend. She wondered if she was doing a good job.

“The what are we talk,” he explained. “The point where how things have been isn’t enough-“

“No,” Stella had to stop him. “It has been enough.”

“Just because things have been enough, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for more, Stella,” Niall explained in a way that made sense. “You deserve everything you want.”

“I don’t know what more means,” Stella told him. “I just...” she trailed off letting out a sigh. “We’re best friends but-“

“But Louis and Veda are your best friends too,” Niall cut her off. “I know,” he laughed. “I saw your face when I said it.”

Stella pursed her lips, letting out a sigh in the way she did when Niall proved his knowledge of her. Niall laughed, shaking his head, “do you want me to be your boyfriend, then?”

“I don’t know,” Stella mumbled, eyebrows wrinkling.

“Well, Stella,” Niall told her, amused. “You’ve been my girlfriend for like two months and you didn’t know it.”

“Two months?” She echoed, almost incredulous.  

“Yeah my friends from home have been asking when they can meet my girlfriend,” Niall told her, as if that was an explanation.

“Well....” Stella trailed off, eyebrows furrowing. “I’ve been calling you my friend. To everyone.”

“I know,” Niall emphasized, laughing. “But we are friends. Best friends, maybe, in different ways than your best friends.”

“We are friends,” she agreed.

“And you don’t like the word boyfriend?” Niall asked, trying to connect the dots. That’s what Stella always was. A one million connect the dot that even if Niall finished it, it would still be unfinished.

“I don’t know,” Stella shrugged, fingers tangling into her cardigan. “It’s just a weird word.”

“It could be a good word,” Niall suggested. “If you had a good boyfriend, it could turn until a really good word that you’d want to use a lot.”

“You want me to call you my boyfriend,” Stella concluded with a laugh.

“Yes, Niall chuckled. “Maybe a little.”

Stella let out a sigh, nodding, “fine.”

“Fine?” Niall echoed, incredulous. “That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself after calling me your friend to our friends faces and then snogging me the way a girlfriend does?”

“Yes that’s all I have to say,” Stella laughed as he pulled her closer to him. “I don’t have to explain myself.”

“Maybe you could text everyone and tell them that I’m your boyfriend,” he suggested, arm sliding around her waist as he draped her legs over his lap.

“I don’t think I’ll do that,” Stella laughed.

“We could throw a couples party at Zayn’s and go together and then everyone would ask are you guys dating and you would say yes.”

“Maybe not that either,” Stella laughed.

“We could change our relationship status on Facebook.”

“Thats even worse than the party,” Stella mused.  

“We could get matching shirts that say something about dating on them.”

“Or,” Stella laughed, “the next time Veda interrogates me about if we’re dating I just tell her that we are that way there’s no party and no matching shirts.”

“Fine,” Niall decided. “I’ll settle just this once.”

Stella let out a laugh, shaking her head, “you sure know how to get what you want.”

“Always,” he grinned. “I got you, didn’t I?”

Stella didn’t want to think of the implications of a sentence like that. What that meant. How that made her feel. Stella kissed him instead, soft and sweet.

“Homework,” Niall reminded her, pushing his fingers through her hair.

There was an essay she’d been putting off for days. Maybe it was Niall’s fault that she had been. She didn’t know. But she kissed him again, this time with a bit more intent than before. Homework could wait. She had a boyfriend now.

Stella had a boyfriend that liked to kiss as much as she did. Hands in his hair, his hands on her hips. Stella felt brave, straddling him. Niall loved her there. He kissed her back eagerly, hands sliding into her back pockets.

Nialls fingers beneath her t-shirt and Stella felt herself beginning to think about more. About his lips on other places besides her lips. About his hands everywhere. The thought made her breathless, pulling away for air. The flush on her cheeks was incriminating, she just knew it.

Niall gave her a smile, thumb brushing over her bottom lip. Stella’s eyes fluttered and she felt a moan in her throat. This time, she swallowed it with a sigh. “Stella Bella,” he murmured. “What I’d give to see what goes on in your mind.”

Niall knew what she was thinking and Stella knew he knew. Her smile was guilty maybe. Or maybe it was just sweet like honey, the same as it always was. Either way, when Stella kissed him again, she let the moan fall from her lips so that maybe he’d be thinking the same things.

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Stella was on her third drink which was chartering into dangerous territory. She felt weightless, like she could float away if she held her breath long enough. 

Veda pulled her from her thoughts, asking, “did you hear me?” 

“No,” Stella responded, painfully tearing her eyes away from Niall. “Sorry.”

“I asked if you think it’s a good idea if I stayed here tonight,” Veda repeated, looking at her expectantly. 

“Oh,” Stella mumbled. “I don’t see why it isn’t a good idea. You and Zayn love each other.”

“We don’t love each other,” Veda argued a bit too quickly. 

Stella was checked out, though, eyes back to Niall. He met her eyes, a smile spreading over his lips. The lips that Stella fully intended to kiss like crazy until neither of them could breathe. 

Niall pushed himself off of the wall, shaking his head. He walked up to Stella, hand curling around her waist as he pulled her towards him, “Stella Bella,” he said, an amused lilt to his voice. “Are you staring at me?” 

Stella had to laugh, looking up at him. Her eyelids were heavy, already begging for sleep. And a snack. Niall pushed his fingers through her hair, humming softly, “you wanna get out of here?” 

Stella nodded because there was nothing she wanted more. “I’ll get our jackets,” Niall told her, pulling herself away from her. 

“You two are sickening,” Veda mumbled from beside her. 

“Just talk to Zayn,” Stella told her as if it was that simple. Veda had given her no information. She’d been moping around for weeks. 

“Easier said than done,” Veda grunted, pushing herself off the wall, “can I walk back with you guys?” 

“Of course,” Stella nodded, “I’ll grab your jacket. Meet you by the door.”

Stella went in the direction Niall had gone, pushing past people until she got to the hallway where there was no one to be found. Stella pushed Zayn’s bedroom door open to find Niall rummaging through the pile of jackets on the bed. 

“Fuckin hell,” he muttered, “can’t find anything in here.”

Stella leaned against Zayn’s bed, watching Niall rummage around. “Come on, Niall,” Stella drawled out, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Stella,” Niall drawled out mimicking her tone as he found their jackets. “Are you drunk?” 

“No,” Stella answered automatically. She was on the border, not quite ready to tip over. Though, after one kiss from him, Stella probably would feel drunk. 

“Sounds like a lie,” he mused, pulling his jacket on. 

“Do you want to play seven minutes in heaven tonight?” Stella asked him, zipping her jacket up. 

“We can play anything you want,” Niall laughed, throwing an arm over her shoulder. He pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek and Stella laughed, nearly falling over at the weight of him. 

Niall’s own laugh echoed in her ear and she felt full up to her eyeballs. Niall tilted her chin towards him to press a gentle kiss to her lips. Stella melted against him and Niall hummed, fingers drifting over her jaw. 

“So this is what’s taking so long,” Veda huffed from the doorway. 

Niall dropped his head to Stella’s shoulder as he let out a chuckle. Stella had no remorse, eyes holding Veda’s gaze. Veda gave Stella an amused smile, reaching to take her jacket from Stella’s grip. “I’ll meet you by the door,” she said, echoing Stella’s earlier sentiment. 

Zayn’s door slammed shut and Niall lifted his head to look at Stella. Niall couldn’t find it in himself to be embarrassed. Stella couldn’t either. 

“Let’s go,” Stella said with a laugh. “Get your hands off of me, will ya?” 

“Stella Grace,” Niall all but exclaimed. “How dare you.”

“How dare you,” she emphasized, peeling herself away from him. 

“That’s real nice,” Niall laughed. “You ask me if I want to play seven minutes in heaven and then it’s my fault we get caught kissing.” 

Stella soothed the situation with a firm kiss to his lips. Niall was no longer indignant. He gave Stella a smile when she pulled away. “Let’s go,” she said, an urgency to her voice that Niall couldn’t ignore. 

On the walk home, Veda caught Niall and Stella up on the latest Zayn drama. It was more than Stella thought it’d be. A mess of not wanting to admit feelings and doing things to mask those feelings. 

By the time they got to their room, Veda was even more grumpy than she was before. Stella peeled her jacket off, tossing it on her desk chair. Niall took his own jacket off, setting it on hers. 

“You guys want to watch some tv?” Veda asked, already turning the tv on. 

“Sure,” Stella answered before Niall had a chance to think. 

Niall concealed his own grumpiness, climbing onto Stella’s bed. She was right beside him, collapsing beside him. Veda loosened up, laying on her own bed. 

This, Stella thought, was not how tonight was supposed to end. Niall would agree. Seven minutes in heaven was much more appealing at this given moment considering how loose Stella was feeling. But Veda was Stella’s very best friend and she’d do anything for her. It made Stella happy that Niall would do the same. 

But that didn’t stop Stella from pulling the duvet up to her chin. And it didn’t stop her from sliding her cold hands under Niall’s jumper in hopes to find a little bit of warmth. Niall let her because there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. 

The moments between them, Stella had begun to feel more brave. Niall made her feel brave when he took whatever she gave him. Or when he let Stella make up the rules as they went. It was Stella’s world and he was just living in it. 

The minutes felt like hours before Veda fell asleep. Stella hardly noticed, her own eyelids getting heavy. Niall wouldn’t let her fall asleep, selfish as that was. 

“Hey,” he said, “I think I’m gonna go to bed,” he told her, barely a whisper. 

“Okay,” Stella murmured. “Can I walk you up?” 

“There’s nothing I’d love more,” Niall murmured back, disentangling himself from her. 

Stella sat up herself, sliding out of bed after him. And the time between now and stepping into Niall’s room felt like forever. Maybe it was that Stella was anxious to get her hands on him. Or the alcohol in her was warping her sense of time. Either way, Stella was grateful when Niall asked, “are you tired? Or do you want to stay for a bit?” 

Stella answered that question by leaning up on her tiptoes to press a teasing kiss to his lips. Niall took it in stride, hand sliding to her waist where he settled them until Stella hints for more. 

And she did eventually, gasping against his lips. It’s a sound that felt like a bucket of cold water dumped on Niall’s head. Niall dove in for an even more desperate kiss, one that has Stella tugging on the hair on the back of his head. 

And then Niall’s lips on her neck and Stella has to squeeze her eyes shut. She can feel a moan rising in her throat and while part of her doesn’t want to, the other part let’s it happen. She moaned his name, and Niall groaned against her neck. 

Niall’s the one to pull it away, keenly aware of how much she’s had to drink. When things happen, he wants her painfully sober to where her cheeks pink just looking at him. While he likes Stella when she’s brave like this, he thinks of how uneven the playing field is. 

The air was thick between them. For a moment Niall though Stella was upset that he stopped it. Her eyes meet his and she smiles. All is good, he thinks. 

“I’m gonna go,” Stella says after a minute. “I think I had a lot to drink,” she admits. 

Her moan is still ringing in his mind and he has to agree, “I think so too.”

“Let’s get breakfast in the morning,” Stella finally offers, putting space between them. “Maybe we can kick the ball around at Whitworth.” 

“Sounds like a plan,” Niall says, watching her with an amused smile. 

“Okay,” Stella laughed. “Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight, Stel,” Niall chuckled. “See you in the morning.” 

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“No louis and Veda are...” she trailed off, looking over her shoulder. “They’re getting their food.” 

“How was your weekend home?” Niall asked, shrugging his book bag off of his shoulders. 

“Uh it was good,” she chuckled, rubbing her forehead. 

Aside from the part where they got so high, Stella could have sworn she talked to god. And the throwing up part. And the waking up with the pounding headache, confusion, and immediate regret. 

“That’s good,” Niall chuckled  “you got high didn’t you.”

“Very,” Stella nodded, poking at the pasta on her plate. “Regretfully high. Maybe even devastatingly high.”

“Celebrated 19 the right way,” Niall mused. 

Louis and Veda joined them just a few minutes later. Veda was grumbling about the food they were served and Louis was doing his very best to ignore her. 

“How’s come we pay all this money and we can’t even get a decent meal,” Veda grumbled. 

If Stella and her were alone, she’d press her until she said what was actually the matter. They weren’t, though, so she just watched her disgruntled behavior wordlessly hoping that no one would mention it. 

No one did. Louis exchanged glances with Stella. Niall was oblivious, eating his food as if nothing was wrong. Stella wondered how he couldn’t tell, the way Veda was angrily eating her green beans. Or the way she scowled at him. Oblivious.  

Stella wished she could be oblivious for a day. Instead she was hyper aware of every little thing. Every slight change of voice, eyebrow crinkle. She could notice it all. 

And then Stella wondered if Niall could tell she was a bit off kilter since she’d gotten back from Doncaster. Niall did notice, though as they did homework later that night. 

“Are ya alright?” Niall asked, a lilt to his voice that made Stella want to forget all of the weird feelings she was having. 

“Yeah...” Stella trailed off, propping her knees up on the table. “Just tired, I think.”

“Okay,” Niall answered slowly. “You’d tell me if something happened at home, wouldn’t you?” 

Stella’s instinct was to reassure him, so she did, sitting up. “Nothing happened at home,” she’d said, twirling her pen between her fingers in a way that would surely give her away. 

“Are you sure because...” he trailed off. “It feels like you’re upset with me or something” 

“I’m not upset with you,” Stella assured him, dropping her pen into her lap. She rubbed her forehead, sighing. “I just don’t know, Niall.”

“You don’t know what?” Niall asked, eyebrows furrowing as he looked at her. 

“I just don’t know how you can get out of a three year relationship and already start kissing the first uni girl you see,” Stella rushed out, looking up at him. 

“What do you mean?” Niall asked, eyebrows furrowing even more as he thought about what she’d just said. 

“Isn’t there like a grieving process? Sadness or something,” she emphasized. 

“There is,” Niall nodded. “There is a grieving process when you’ve lost something, but Stella,” he chuckled. “I didn’t lose anything.” 

“You just feel absolutely nothing for Nadia?” Stella asked, eyebrows raising. 

“I mean...” he trailed off, shrugging. “No I don’t feel anything. D-do you want me to feel something for her?”

“I mean no,” Stella shook her head. “But what does that say about you? How quickly you moved on.”

“I don’t know,” Niall shook his head. “I don’t care what it says about me either. Do you?” 

“I don’t know,” Stella shrugged. 

Niall ran his fingers through his hair, letting out a sigh, “Stella, don’t tell me you think you’re a rebound.”

“I don’t think that,” Stella argued petulantly. She sighed. “Maybe a little.” 

“Rebounds are for people that don’t know who the fuck they are or what they want,” Niall answered her, shaking his head. “Is it so hard to believe that I actually really like you?”

Stella didn’t answer him. Instead she kept her eyes glued on the book in her lap. A page from Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. She’d reread it ten times and still couldn’t think about anything but the nagging feeling she had in her belly. 

After a moment, Niall asked, “do you need reassurance?” 

It was painful to ask for that, Stella thought, drawing her eyes up at him. She felt like she could cry. She really was tired, exhausted after the weekend she had, exhausted after spending that whole weekend thinking about Niall. She wished he was there with her, getting high with Louis and her, talking to her mother, meeting Ludo’s date. All of it she wished so desperately that he’d been there. 

“Stella,” Niall murmured hand smoothing over her sweatpant clad thigh. “Y’know you actually have to talk to me.” 

“I don’t know,” Stella finally mumbled, shaking her head. 

“Is there anything you do know?” Niall asked, voice soft enough to make the knot in her throat slip away. 

“I wish you came to Doncaster with us,” Stella murmured, winding her fingers into her t-shirt. 

“I wish that too,” he admitted. “But there will be other opportunities.” 

“Will there?” Stella urged, lifting her head to look at him. 

“Yes,” Niall emphasized with a laugh. He pulled her jittery fingers from her shirt, sliding them into his. “Do you think something bad is gonna happen?” 

“Maybe,” Stella mumbled, unable to find the same humor he’d found. 

“Nothing bad will happen as long as I can help it,” Niall told her, brushing his thumb over her knuckles. “And sitting here worrying about it is wasting precious time.” 

Stella gave him a look like it wasn’t the right thing to say. Niall rolled his eyes at her, sighing, “Stella, you have to read 200 pages by the morning. I’d say that’s precious time being wasted.” 

“I don’t want to read this anymore,” Stella said, closing the book. 

“Well what do you want to do?” Niall asked, eyeing her skeptically.

“I don’t know,” Stella answered, sounding frustrated. 

“Look at me, would ya?” Niall asked, frustrated right back. 

“Why?” She mumbled, eyes now glued on the cover of the book. 

“I said look at me,” he repeated sternly, in a voice that made Stella look at him. Eyes wide and sorrowful in a way that only confusion could manage to do. “You have to cut this out.” 

Stella gave him another look because that wasn’t the right thing to say either. Niall rolled his eyes at her, tilting her chin up, “I mean it. Cut it out. I didn’t do anything,” he urged, searching her eyes. “Everything you’re upset about is in your head. It’s not real.” 

Stella wanted to argue that it was real, except for the first time since she’d seen Niall, she wanted to kiss him. Like really kiss him, the way he did on her birthday with tongue and teeth and hands that wandered. 

“Say okay,” Niall commanded when she didn’t respond. 

“Okay,” Stella said, eyelashes fluttering. “Are you going to kiss me?” 

“If you want me to,” he answered, his hand sliding from her chin to the curve of her jaw until his fingers pressed against the hollow of her neck.

“I do,” Stella managed to get out. 

Niall leaned down, pressing a lingering kiss to her lips. It was a moment of relief all over again. Stella’s eyes fell shut and she let out a sigh against his lips. The lingering kiss morphed into one of desperation as Niall pulled her closer. 

The angle was awkward, a strain on her neck. Stella did the only thing she could think of. She all but pushed herself onto him, fingers curling into his t-shirt. At some point the motion set them off balance and the kiss ended just as Niall gripped her hips to save from falling off the futon. 

“Easy,” Niall murmured, lips spreading into a smile. 

Stella felt herself begin to smile as she straddled him properly. And that was the Stella he loved to see, shining eyes and flushed cheeks, “there she is,” Niall murmured, pushing his fingers through her hair. “Stel, I missed your smile. I haven’t seen it in days.” 

It felt like she hadn’t smiled in days either, but there she was, cheeks beginning to ache. Niall’s hands slid over her bum, pulling her closer, impossibly so. He kissed her again, far too innocent for someone that had a hold of her so tightly. Niall had a way of getting Stella to take the lead. He’d give her the very least until she had no choice but to kiss him fervently, fingers tugging at his hair until he groaned against her lips. 

Stella found herself to be a little too good at taking control of him. The desire pooled in her belly as they kissed until the ache between her legs became too much and she had to pull away, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, “easy,” she said as if this whole thing wasn’t her doing. 

“I’m trying,” Niall breathed, fingers sliding under her shirt to press against her back. “Unfair when you pull my hair. I think you do it on purpose.” 

Stella gave him a smile, her best innocent smile. Who would believe that of Stella? Probably only Niall. He was eager to keep that secret for her, though. 

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