imperfection

Relapsing is fun.

It's been so long since I've been so uncomfortably full.... I went on a binge for dinner today, for some reason my mind was very okay with the idea of eating all that I did. But now I'm in bed and I'm sad and disgusted and disappointed and in a little bit of pain.

I'm disturbingly obsessed with my boyfriend's sister's weight. She's a big girl; her body is what I will never allow myself to be. But I think the main force behind my obsession is how I don't understand how she is happy. For lack of a better word, she's fat. And maybe I'm a bad person for recognizing it/saying it, but it's true. And I'm disgusted by it.

Decided to take a personal day off work; I woke up this morning and just felt horrible and sad and unmotivated... Both of my parents are upset and disappointed with me, and now I'm worried about how work will go on Monday. What if my boss is angry with me? My mood is going down.

I have this horrible habit of ruining the day for both of us because I have unpredictable moments where I get pissed off about everything or random upsetting memories resurface. I'm sorry.