Untitled

HEY WOW HOW ABOUT NO.

YOU HAVE VALID REASONS FOR DISLIKING EVERY SINGLE PERSON WE’RE INVOLVED WITH. THAT’S JUST A FACT. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. YOU DON’T DISLIKE THEM FOR BEING INVOLVED WITH US, YOU HAVE A REASON TO DISLIKE EACH AND EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM.

YOU’RE NOT A PROBLEM AND I WOULDN’T BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROBLEM I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD A GRUB WITH YOU. IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROBLEM I WOULDN’T BE MARRYING YOU. I WOULDN’T BE PLANNING TO BE WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROBLEM.

I LOVE YOU, SOLLUX. YOU’VE BEEN IN MY LIFE FOR MOST OF IT, AND I WANT YOU IN IT FOR THE REST OF IT. SO PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GET THAT THROUGH IT, BECAUSE I’LL FUCKING DIE BEFORE I LET YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME.

it’s every single 0ne karkat. every 0ne. n0t just m0st 0f them. all 0f them.

i hate 0rbran t0 the p0int 0f fantasy because 0f his arr0gance, the way he takes y0u fr0m me, the way he endangers y0u, and i can never fucking say it t0 y0ur face because y0u l0ve that danger, and i have t0 think ab0ut the next time he w0n’t let me have y0u again, 0r takes y0u away again, 0r gets y0u fucking killed.

i hate eridan, because every eridan i’ve ever interacted with has been a caustic shitbag, even the one i th0ught was a g00d fucking tr0ll, the 0ne that i th0ught i c0uld have a happy life with, and he dr0pped me when he g0t b0red because there was N0 0THER REAS0N and i will smear that assbag’s lime bl00d int0 the gravel bef0re i let him hurt cardin.

i hate lace and luxie because i l0ve them but i can’t trust them, lace nearly t00k advantage 0f saness and i d0n’t kn0w that she w0uldn’t have st0pped 0r that saness w0uldn’t have said n0, and then they’d b0th have t0 carry that damage, if i hadn’t st0pped them. i hate that i still get unc0mf0rtable when they interact n0w, because they b0th wear my face exactly, and i d0n’t like thinking ab0ut what saness might think when they flirt with her.

i hate ringleader because he’s an abusive dickhead that gets away with being a piece 0f shit t0 saness because she’s s0 f0rgiving, she’ll always f0rgive him and c0me back because she l0ves him and she always places her l0ve 0ver her 0ther needs and f0rgives even when she sh0uldn’t.

i hate kankri and i d0n’t even KN0W kankri because he’s a fucking dem0n wh0 0wns her s0ul, he c0uld manipulate her in any way he wanted, i can’t even say he w0uldn’t f0r n0t kn0wing him, because saness attracts and prefers garbage, fucking l00k at me even. he 0wns her fucking S0UL he 0wns a piece 0f her identity and she wants t0 try dating him flush and i want t0 fucking kill him with my 0wn tw0 hands bef0re she can even try, karkat.

and then there’s me, i hate myself, because i’ve f0rced myself 0n her and disregarded her 0pini0ns because i th0ught i knew better f0r her health, i made her g0 t0 h0spitals when she didn’t want t0 g0, i made her kismesis l0athe me s0lely f0r h0w i tried caring f0r my m0irail, and i’m s0 fucking 0verpr0tective and scared t0 even d0 my j0b f0r her becaue i’m afraid 0f messing up, and l00k at that, karkat, she keeps f0rgiving me t00 when she sh0uldn’t.

i was suspici0us 0f infrared when she br0ught him t0 my hive, th0ugh he must have been a halfass decent pers0n because she discarded him, n0t abusive en0ugh f0r her, n0t when she was still s0 hung 0n 0n tulket wh0 manipulated her em0ti0ns and attacked pe0ple 0ver his p0ssessiveness 0f her, and that’s her idea 0f ideal i guess.

every single pers0n i have a pr0blem with, and that’s n0t n0rmal.

l00king at numbers like that, it’s 0bvi0us that the pr0blem is with me.

and if i’m the pr0blem, then.

maybe they’d be better 0ff with0ut that pr0blem.

YOU HAVE VALID REASONS FOR DISLIKING EVERY SINGLE PERSON WE’RE INVOLVED WITH. THAT’S JUST A FACT. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. YOU DON’T DISLIKE THEM FOR BEING INVOLVED WITH US, YOU HAVE A REASON TO DISLIKE EACH AND EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM.

YOU’RE NOT A PROBLEM AND I WOULDN’T BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROBLEM I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD A GRUB WITH YOU. IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROBLEM I WOULDN’T BE MARRYING YOU. I WOULDN’T BE PLANNING TO BE WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROBLEM.

if my m0irail’s this upset then i can’t be the right 0ne. i can’t be.

what am i even trying t0 acc0mplish anyway.

THEN DO THAT. PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE AND THEN WRECK HIS SHIT, THEN WHEN YOU’RE DONE CLEAN HIM UP AND SNUGGLE HIM TO REASSURE HIM THAT YOU’RE THERE. BONUS POINTS FOR BREAKING HIS LEGS.

i’m just g0nna get it 0ut, because that’s what venting is f0r, helping feel better.

i feel like i’m trying t00 hard. 0ur relati0nship went mixed t0 pale, but we’re n0t all0wed t0 d0 anything pale unless it’s the quiet physical things. if i try t0 talk t0 him, he runs away. he lies t0 me, then asks me why i can’t trust him. he w0n’t tell me anything, then if he d0es, he yells at me if i talk ab0ut it.

i w0nder if i’m pushing t00 hard and i need t0 keep my behavi0r a l0t m0re pitch.

aaaaaaah i hate this. i hate him, f0r being like this. i want t0 kick his ass and i want it t0 end in a pile instead 0f sex f0r 0nce because as nice as his b0dy is, i’m dating his mind t00 and i’d like a little access t0 that??

what d0es a guy g0tta d0 t0 get his quad t0 0pen up a little?

aaaaaaaaugh i’m s0 fucking bad at pe0ple, i wish they had manuals. fucking ar0und until y0u figure it 0ut 0nly w0rks with c0mputers. fucking ar0und until y0u figure it 0ut with a pers0n ends up in them being run 0ff bef0re y0u figure 0ut what the right butt0n t0 press is and there’s n0 manual because g0d f0rbid he fucking talk t0 me.

i’m n0t even self depreciating this time i’m just maaaaaaad

killing him w0uld be C0UNTERPR0DUCTIVE  Y0U ANGRY DRAINPIPE.

i d0n’t want t0 kill him! i want t0 beat his ass and remind him where his place in the w0rld is n0w, which ISN’T 0N T0P 0F IT 0r whatever alternian h00fbeastshit g0t sh0veled int0 him, and i want him t0 tell me what his needs are s0 i can HELP HIM MEET THEM WITH0UT HIM MURDERING ALL THE BIRDS 0N THE C0ASTLINE