angels hole

guys, i need someone to talk to and i can't really trust anyone i know with that, so maybe if u want to know a random story and maybe leave an advice i'd be very happy.🍀

So, me and this girl Vanessa(not a real name) know each other our whole life's because our mom's friends have been friends since high school. And we were really close since we spent literally every holiday together. She was the one that i tried everything for the first time (including s3x, if u can call it that since we were rlly young and just tried something that we've seen on the internet), all my interests are something that she introduced me to once.

As we got a lil more older, we started catching feelings for each other, she even intoduced me to girl in red by sending me the "i wanna be your girlfriend " song (which was a BIG deal at that time). And suddenly her parents divorced and she had to move to another country for money w her mom.

We started slowly losing contact over time, covid hit, and we barely talked to each other (but later turned out that we still liked each other at the same time but no one said a thing). Then, war in our homeland started, and me n my mom had to run away, and the only logical thing was to move to the country where Vanessa n her mom lived. We've met again after a long time and catched feelings for each other again. We hung out, had sleepovers (where she suddenly kissed me out of nowhere), and we started dating. I was really happy (even if we couldn't say that to our moms cus being gay in our home country considered hella bad) and suddenly our friend texts me that Vanessa broke up with me but she didn't say anything to me.( BRO, HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? ) i was devastated, and as i remember, we never talked about it till today?? But we still talked n shit like nothing happened.

Then, after a while, my family had to leave that country and move to another one. Me and Vanessa were keeping this homoerotic thing going. She showed me a lot of sings, all the playlists, posts and texts. Then it stopped, and we started losing contact again, but i was devastated. I was seeing her in everything, i felt like im going to die, still loving her. It was going for 2-3 years, i think. I was thinking abt her every single day, and it truly drove me crazy. All the love texts and poems that i never sent are still sitting in my drafts or secret accounts. One day, i just put myself together with the help of my friend and forced myself into stopping loving her. I let go.

A few months passed, and Vanessa and her mom decided to visit us here. I was really happy in one hand, but in another, i was really scared of "relapsing." We hung out and had so much fun, and i still catched a little bit of feelings for her again, but not for a long time. Then, in social media, i learned that she has a boyfriend now, and it lowkey hit me no matter the fact that i was over her. Like, "how could you love somebody else if im kill^ng myself over you all those years?". That's hella corny, but okayyy.. Then i healed and understood that im the problem, and i have to actually let her go so she would have a nice life even without me, and i did.

Moving onto real time. Everything was fine. I completely let her go and bloomed. Even found myself a boy that i like and talk to daily. And my mom hits me with the "after graduation you can go visit Vanessa alone for a months or so if you want to.". BRO. Of course, i was happy cause i messed her as a friend and my aunty (her mom), and im just excited to travel alone for the first time in my life. So i definitely will be going. But overthinking and anxiety hit me a little bit. What if i "relapce" again? Im really scared of liking her romantically again. I already started cheking her reposts n shit, that may be just interesnt in me about whats shes up to lately. But what if it's that im coming back to the old times?? I really hate that period. It drained me so much, and i couldn't let go.