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@creatureofnightmares
Sarah, please. There’s children crying.

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And do not forget that Nesta herself—and Elain, with whatever powers she has—is here. Feyre is here. All three sisters blessed by fate and gifted with powers.
I agree about Feyre and Elain.. but it's hard to call Nesta Lady Death when all she can do is wield the Trove and have a wisp of her power from before. We don't even know what the silver flames are other than 'Cold' and 'Death'. It's like she was punished for what she did- stealing from a corrupted object, the Cauldron. But SJM justifies it saying that 'A woman has value more than her powers'..... Well... Then don't call her Lady Death, because she isn't. She willingly gave up her powers for Rhys, Feyre and Nyx, which makes her amazing for sure- but not Lady Death. She still has value as a character, for sure. I love Nesta and want more love for her in the series, definitely.
Sarah plsss save us. I don’t want to wait until July for cover of whatever. Give us sth already
THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!
@mortalfae7 @elriell @elriel-month
BAT BOYS & ARCHERON SISTERS DYNAMICS
(For all three ships but elriel’s mostly for you🌸🦇)
So this post is long (but fun!) because I’ve just been adding to it over time on my random rereads, mostly just for gigs and to get some thoughts down, but I had to stop adding to it or it’d never get out of my drafts. So: there’s unending posts of all the similarities between Elain/Azriel, Nesta/Cassian, Feyre/Rhys, and between all three couples in relation to each other, but I became more interested in the way they aren’t related. So these are side-by-side comparisons (not all, it’s impossible) of the bat boys contrasting personalities with each other, the sisters with each other, and all each couples’s differences from one another in the ways of love languages and chemistry. Especially Nesta/Elain, Cassian/Azriel, Nessian/Elriel— mainly because Feyre and Rhysand are in a league of their own, so often fall somewhere between the middle of the other two instead of in direct contrast, and because from Feyre’s POV the other characters are often differentiated right on top of each other in the same paragraph or same scene. The Archeron sister’s differences and the bat boys differences are shown the moment they’re on page. And from the moment they’re introduced to each other, their love languages and personalities are contrasted so well.
This post will occasionally drift into defense of Elain, and of Azriel and Elain, since we don’t have their book yet and I’m genuinely baffled that some people don’t see how obvious and endearing their relationship is. But elriel’s dynamic being the opposite of nessian’s makes it easier for people who don’t like them together to ignore their relationship because it doesn’t look like nessian’s (feysand’s as usual being a blend of the two.) This post is to show how that is very much on purpose and the whole point.
The dinner scene:
Sister examples: Elain, to her credit, did not faint. Nesta, to hers, did not hiss at them./ Nesta was waiting at the head of the table, a queen ready to hold court. Elain trembled in the upholstered, carved wooden chair to her left./Nesta didn’t smile, but Elain beamed.
Couples: Azriel immediately notices Elain ready to wield her fork against Cassian, and he smiles and finds it amusing. Cassian immediately starts sizing up Nesta. Azriel and Elain fall naturally into smooth communication while Cassian and Nesta start the beginning of their antagonistic dance. Feyre and Rhysand are not together yet, but are acting as a united front already. And where Nesta and Cassian are both racking up the tension, Azriel is angled to intervene while Elain is pushing down her own fear in order to de-escalate.
‘Elain tried to return the smile but failed. And Nesta just looked at the three of them, then at me, and said, “The cook left dinner on the table. We should eat before it goes cold.” She didn’t wait for my agreement before striding off—right to the head of the polished cherry table. Elain rasped, “Nice to meet you,” before hustling after her, the silk skirts of her cobalt dress whispering over the parquet floor.’
(Which is very similar to the first time we’re introduced to Cassian and Azriel: ‘Cassian said, "Pot. Kettle. Black." Then he frowned at Amren, who had hardly touched her plate. "I always forget how bizarre that is." He unceremoniously took her plate, dumping half the contents on his own before passing the rest to Azriel. Azriel said to Amren as he slid the food onto his plate, "I keep telling him to ask before he does that."’)
Cassian and Nesta both have “I do what I want” personalities when it comes to societal expectations and manners. Elain and Azriel are both very traditional and value politeness and certain principles. Both pairings prove this many times throughout the entirety of the series. These traits aren’t just things they have in common, they’re important characteristics that match their partner’s lifestyles, their compatibility.
“Azriel looked more inclined to blend into the nearest shadow and avoid this conversation altogether.” Yet he goes out of his way to speak to Elain and no one else. Cassian and Elain do not engage in a single line of communication, nor do Azriel and Nesta. Elain and Azriel are both in love with other people at the time they are introduced to one another, yet Elain flusters him, they engage in thoughtful conversation, Elain starts taking cues from him, Azriel jumps to put her at ease himself despite never being the one inclined to dive into conversation. He emboldens her to be more at ease and confident, and she emboldens him to speak and open up. Nesta and Cassian are more straightforward and explosive. From the moment Cassian lays eyes on Nesta, she’s the only thing he’s concerned about for the rest of the meeting, even going as far as having to ‘force himself to tear his gaze away’ from her to acknowledge Azriel and Elain’s conversation. Their dynamic is meant to be loud and intense, just as Elain and Azriel’s is quiet and soft. One has you laughing and on the edge of your seat, the other giggling and kicking your feet. At the forefront, one is more passionate, the other romantic. Rhysand, Azriel, and Cassian are primarily, if not solely, focused on their own Archeron sister in that scene. Not on each other, nor the other two sisters. Even Cassian’s defense of Feyre is at Nesta. It’s the very beginning of what I’ll elaborate on at the end of the post and in a separate one.
Arrival at the townhouse:
Azriel flies Elain to the townhouse and carries her through the front door. Again— another quiet, soft interaction. He’s gentle with her, she doesn’t balk from him, he’s patient and smiling at her, he’s graceful as any courtier and offers her an arm, she calls his hands beautiful, he blushes, and they head off page into the garden, sunlight bathing them. Nesta refuses to let Cassian carry her. She gets mad at Rhys and stalks towards him with silver flame in her eyes. Cassian steps between them and taunts her, shaking her from her rage and blinking out her rising power. The interaction is blunt and a little hilarious: “Nesta’s burning gaze slid to him, still outraged—but hinted with incredulity.”
Both relationships are building here.
Court of Nightmares Aftermath:
This one isn’t an overtly direct comparison in text, but Cassian makes Nesta come over to him so he can protect her if Amren goes off. To Feyre’s surprise Nesta listens to him, and his fingers snag in the skirts of her gown to reassure himself that she isn’t in Amren’s direct path. A physical protection. In the same scene, Elain comes down the stairs, and amidst Nesta and Feyre’s prodding and assumptions that she’s gone mad, Azriel inserts himself in the interaction twice. “But you heard something else.”/“What did you see?” He then studies her and winnows away without another word— while they were all still having a serious discussion about the Prison. He made Elain and her words a priority.
“Mor studied the space long after he was gone.” Their relationship is constantly intertwined with an air of mystery. With privacy, secrets. But it’s still spelled out for us.
The Breakfast Scene:
‘I was still sore enough the next day that I had to send word to Cassian I wasn't training with him. Or Azriel. A mistake, perhaps, given that both of them showed up at the door to the town house within minutes, the former demanding what the hell was wrong with me, the latter bearing a tin of salve to help with the aches in my back. I thanked Azriel for the salve and told Cassian to mind his own business.//////The two Illyrians paused their inspection of me long enough to note my sisters finishing up breakfast, Nesta in a pale gray gown that brought out the steel in her eyes, Elain in dusty pink. Both males went a bit still. But Azriel sketched a bow—while Cassian stalked for the dining table, reached right over Nesta's shoulder, and grabbed a muffin from its little basket. "Morning, Nesta," he said around a mouth of blueberry-lemon. "Elain." Nesta's nostrils flared, but Elain peered up at Cassian.’
Elain proceeds to spew out nonsensical things that has Nesta staring at her plate, Cassian’s brows narrowing, and Feyre dragging a hand over her face. Azriel takes it upon himself to take Elain to the garden with him, again offering her his hand despite Feyre being about to do it herself. He did not have to. They again walk off into the garden, their relationship developing off page. It is also explicitly noted that there are no shadows to be found both when he brought her to the townhouse and when he takes her hand here. The page then shifts to Cassian and Nesta still playing their game, Nesta sneaking glances at him, him grinning at her because he knows, his eyes lighting up at her rebuttals. Again— soft romance vs fiery romance within the same scene. (I also want to give a shoutout to Feyre for being Feyre because she winnows away here laughing, then crash lands on the veranda at the HOW and is glad no one was around to see it.)
Right after,
Nesta and Feyre are attacked by the twin ravens Elain had warned them about. At the HOW, Cassian and Rhys are with the two of them, and “Elain is fine. Azriel was at the town house.” All paired off— with one pairing off in the background, as usual. Within the same few pages, Rhys is shown simmering with barely contained wrath over Feyre being attacked, Cassian’s memory plays in Feyre’s head of his panic and fear for Nesta, and Azriel figures out Elain is a seer, pulling her out of the dream-like state she’s been stuck in since the Cauldron. Even Nesta is portrayed as being frustrated with Elain’s words ( “What queen,” Nesta said, more tightly than she usually spoke to our sister./Nesta took a steadying breath, opening her mouth to either whisk Elain upstairs or move on. But Azriel asked softly…) This isn’t a subtle scene, it’s just not action packed like Nessian/Feysand’s was. Instead it’s a huge moment of understanding between Elain and Azriel. It’s written several times that Nesta, who supposedly knows Elain the most, is completely shocked and lost about the reveal, as well as Lucien, her own mate. (Lucien murmured to me, eye still fixed on Elain, “Should we—does she need…?” “She doesn’t need anything,” Azriel answered without so much as looking at Lucien./Lucien just stared and stared at my sister, as if he’d never seen her before./Nesta’s face drained of color. “What?” Equally ashen, Lucien seemed inclined to echo Nesta’s hoarse question. But Azriel nodded. “You knew,” he said to Elain.)
Rhysand and Cassian rescue Feyre and Nesta from physical danger. Azriel rescues Elain from a psychological one.
War Camp:
By the time I strode away, Nesta had already faced the battle once more, rain plastering her hair to her head. Resuming her unending vigil of the general battling on the valley floor below./ Her tent was dim, and quiet—the sounds of slaughter far away, dreamlike. She was awake, staring blankly at the canvas ceiling.(…) My sister’s brown eyes were glazed.
Nesta is the warrior. Elain is the Seer. Lord of ‘Cassian was a general—the general of the Night Court. Surely Nesta wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle’ Bloodshed and Azriel ‘It made sense, I supposed, that Azriel alone had listened to her. The male who heard and saw things others could not… perhaps he, too, had suffered as Elain had before he understood what gift he possessed,’ Shadowsinger were made for them. Cassian and Nesta are both generals of the Night Court’s armies, and Azriel and Elain are both Night Court spies.
And in defense of Elain— she is a spy already. She’s a Seer and has been spying on people since ACOWAR. And as I’ve stated, Nesta is written very bluntly because that is her nature. For those not a fan of Elain, it’s easier to write her off here as indifferent or not useful because she isn’t written as plainly as Nesta. Nesta is staring at the battle, but Elain is seeing outcomes and things happening from the privacy of her own tent. We know this is how she looks when seeing visions. We know she uses one of those visions to stop Nesta and Cassian from being killed and ends the war. She also then tracks the Suriel for Feyre incredibly easily and without training. Her importance is easily brushed over to those who don’t care to look for it, which is the nature of her entire character arc.
Rhys’s speech: to Cassian “I would not have known the true depths of strength” to Azriel “I would not have known what it is to truly hope.”
If Elain was a blooming flower in this army camp, then Nesta… she was a freshly forged sword, waiting to draw blood.
If Elain’s mental gates were those of a sleeping garden, Nesta’s… They belonged to an ancient fortress, sharp and brutal.
‘My sisters were in another tent, not quite as big but equally luxurious, their lodgings flanked by Cassian’s and Azriel’s tents.’ (Similar to: Feyre and Rhys took their thrones, and Nesta and Elain came to stand at the foot of the dais, between him and Azriel.)
Also noted: Right before the war begins, Nesta also saves Cassian from the Cauldron’s blast when she feels it rising, and Azriel gives Elain Truth-Teller to protect herself. Nesta fights alongside Cassian against Hybern both prepared to die, and Elain steps out of a shadow and kills Hybern with the knife Azriel gave to her. (And Rhys and Feyre are out taking care of business of course.)
ACOFAS solstice dinner:
Another instance where the comparison isn’t directly in the same line or on the same page, but this is within one chapter, and I’ve always found Mor and Amren’s reactions to Cassian and Azriel’s feelings towards Nesta and Elain extremely telling. It’s very obvious that they both know exactly what’s happening between them. And in these two instances, even bringing up Nesta causes a volatile reaction from Cassian, and the thought of Elain not being waited for has Azriel causing a scene at the table. (Mor also tenses when he walks up to Elain.)
The angry snowball narrowed her eyes at him. "Careful, boy. Wouldn't want to start a war you can't win." She unbuttoned the collar so we all heard her clearly as she purred, "Especially with Nesta Archeron coming for Solstice in two days."
I felt the ripple that went through them— between Cassian, and Mor, and Azriel. Felt the pure temper that rumbled from Cassian, all half-drunk merriness suddenly gone. He said in a low voice, "Shut it, Amren."
Mor was watching closely enough that it was hard not to stare. I glanced at Rhys instead, but a contemplative look had overtaken his face. Amren merely grinned, those red lips spreading wide (…)/// One moment, his hand was spearing toward the serving spoon. The next, it was stopped, Azriel's scarred fingers wrapped around his wrist. "Wait," Azriel said, nothing but command in his voice.
Mor gaped wide enough that I was certain the half-chewed green beans in her mouth were going to tumble onto her plate. Amren just smirked over the rim of her wineglass.
Cassian gawked at him. "Wait for what? Gravy?"
Azriel didn't let go. "Wait until everyone is seated before eating."
Side note: Yes, Elain is proper— but so is Azriel. Aside from his coldness (which is more-so just trauma) it’s his personality. He’s a gentleman at his core, and no one but Elain fits with that innate part of him. Her character can of course not be for everyone because of it, but it should also be noted that Azriel is the same— he’s just a man. And so many of their scenes together are written with this exact level of etiquette. He is courting her, whether he realizes it at first or not. How many times does he offer her an arm, or gently take her hand, or walk her around a garden, or bow, or simply sit in her company, etc etc? He has done every one of those things more than once.
ACOSF, during Nesta’s second scrying:
Feyre said, "We won't allow any harm to come to Elain. Rhys warded her this morning, and we have eyes on her at all times."
"Eyes can be blinded," Nesta said.
"Not the ones under my command," Azriel said with soft menace. Nesta met his stare, knowing he was the only one aside from Feyre who could truly understand her hesitation.
He'd gone with Feyre into the heart of Hybern's camp to save Elain—he knew the risk. "We won't make the same mistake twice."
She believed him.// ‘Cassian's warmth seeped into her side, his wings rustling near her back. She let that warmth, the rustle anchor her. He had come to save her from her nightmare, had stayed with her while she slept. Had guarded and fought for her. He would let no harm come to her now. No harm. No harm. No harm.’
These are a paragraph apart. Yet another example of how Azriel and Elain’s connection is right there alongside Cassian and Nesta’s. Both are obvious, the feeling is there, but Azriel and Elain are still more implied, and Cassian and Nesta are more outright. It’s blatantly stated here that neither Azriel nor Cassian will let harm come to their Archeron during the scrying, and reiterated that Azriel had saved Elain, and Cassian had saved Nesta, and both of them guarded/are currently guarding them. Although I do like this example because the callbacks used switched their usual role around— Cassian saved Nesta from her dream by just being beside her, and Azriel infiltrated a war camp to physically carry Elain out. When they switch up those roles it packs a bigger punch. The soft moments with Cassian and Nesta whenever they ‘stopped fighting’ were sweeter because of it. Elain stabbing the King of Hybern with Truth-Teller, her kicking hounds off Azriel with her bare feet while he risked death to save her— those were more dramatic because of it. Nesta’s story hit harder when finding out beneath all that rage was so much self-loathing and depression. Elain’s will hit harder when discovering a cold and powerful side to her underneath all that softness.
Comparisons that aren’t in the same scenes (I had to limit myself to these there’s really an endless amount):
"Now I know where Nesta gets it. Honestly, it's a shame we can't stay longer—if only to see who'll be left standing: her or Cassian." "My money's on Nesta." “So is mine.”/ And I think Elain— Elain would like it, too. Though she'd probably cling to Azriel, just to have some peace and quiet.
I'm watching Cassian and Nesta get into it again over their tea./Elain sat silently at one of the wrought-iron tables, a cup of tea before her. Azriel was sprawled on the chaise longue across the gray stones, sunning his wings and reading what looked to be a stack of reports
Nesta rolled her eyes, and the gesture was so normal that Cassian's smile became more genuine, edged now with relief. You wear your heart for all to see, brother, Rhys said without turning Cassian's way/Shadows darkened his eyes, full of enough pain that she couldn't stop herself from touching his shoulder. Letting him see that she understood why he stood in the doorway, why he wouldn't go near the fire. His secret to tell, never hers. Azriel’s face remained neutral.
And Cassian, unsurprisingly, knew more about the Carver than anyone thanks to some morbid fascination with all of the Prison's inmates./Az, of course, had been fascinated. Rhys had built the model himself centuries ago. It could not only track the sun, but also tell time, and it somehow allowed Rhys to ponder the existence of life beyond their own world and other things Cassian had, again, instantly forgotten.
It is also worth noting that like Cassian and Feyre/Azriel and Nesta, Rhys and Elain will likely share a closer bond in Elain’s book. There is a strong possibility of Elain learning to world-walk in her story, and in this scene, Azriel and Rhysand are interested in the intellectual concept of other worlds while Cassian is not. He instead has a fascination with the violent Prison inmates, which he then later faces with Nesta (though I do think Elain’s plot will be heavily focus on the Prison in the climax of her story, as Feyre’s was UTM and Nesta’s was Ramiel. Each conquering a Sister Peak, saving themselves and their Bat Boy in the process.)
Some lines throughout the series:
No words of relief, of love— never from her. Elain lifted her teacup. "Whatever the reason, Feyre, we are happy to see you. Alive. We thought you were—"
Nesta had gone straight-backed, but Elain bobbed a curtsy, flushing rose pink.
Elain shall wed for love and beauty. But you, my cunning little queen… you shall wed for conquest.
But Cassian was all hot temper—temper that could be used to forge and weld. There was an icy rage in Azriel I had never been able to thaw.
"Azriel has never once said anything that awful. Only you, Cassian. Only you." The general of the High Lord's armies stuck out his tongue.
From the fury rippling from Cassian, the cold rage seeping from Azriel
Though Cassian had more bulk, Azriel was quick as hell- they were evenly matched.
Lines like these are peppered throughout the entire series, and even the small ones hold some kind of merit. Cassian is stronger, but Azriel is faster. They’re evenly matched. It’s reasonable to guess that by the end of Elain’s story, Nesta will be stronger and a more skilled fighter, but Elain will have her own strengths to hold her own. She is a seer—perhaps she’ll learn to anticipate moves before they happen. Regardless of her skill set, it’s a perfect example of the way SJM has set up these characters and parallels to come full circle when the time is right. When a long book series’s major plot points—and even the small details like those—are planted early on and hold the possibility to continue making connections and add up to something great in the sixth book of the series (a romance series where you have to keep the pairings apart for multiple books until you can finally tell their story yet still show the pull they have to each other) it’s freaking good writing.
To have so much build up and correct timing for a perfect trio of romantic couples, as well as a cohesive, symmetrical theme and major plot foundation about fate, balance, and great love while also managing for each couple’s story to be so unique from each other isn’t convenient, it’s a huge accomplishment. The theme and build up may be “predictable” in the way that as a whole it just makes sense, but the differences in each sister’s personalities, setbacks, love languages, relationships, and personal journeys is what makes each story just as unique as the last. Even aside from all the opportunities their storyline could go in, SJM is not going to make all of Azriel and Elain’s similarities and progress suddenly irrelevant and meaningless, just as she wouldn’t for Rhysand and Feyre or Cassian and Nesta. Cassian/Azriel, Nesta/Elain, and Nessian/Elriel are perfect parallels. They’ve been set up to be that way since the beginning. Not only would it be a disservice to do so, but it just wouldn’t make any sense.
In so many ways, Rhysand and Feyre match. Cassian and Nesta match. Azriel and Elain match. There is no evidence to suggest Azriel and Elain are any less perfect for one another or less deserving of being together as their brothers and sisters. And the point of Nesta’s arc is to show she is more than just her rage. The point of Elain’s is to show she is more than just kind. Both Cassian and Azriel are there to complement their journey, as Rhys did for Feyre as she learned she was more than just a tool for survival.
This is also a romance series that people love to reread. Feysand and Nessian’s journeys were long and all the more gratifying when all those moments lead to their happy endings. It’s satisfying rereading their lengthy build up from start to finish, just as it will be for Azriel and Elain. Their foreshadowing is plentiful— it starts as far back as book one just by showing the nature of Nesta and Elain’s personalities that later align with Cassian and Azriel’s. No matter what the original ideas for the sisters was in book one, Cassian and Azriel were then written to compliment them when they showed up in book two.
And this is less of a theory and more obvious conclusion: Nesta’s inner conflict manifested as rage, which she honed into purpose when becoming a Valkyrie. I think Elain’s manifestation of pain will be that she feels numb and descends into a void state while putting on a pretty face. As usual for Feyre, she falls somewhere in between— she lashes out but also feels “heavy” at times. Cassian was the best person to be beside Nesta on her arc, just as Rhys was for Feyre.
Elain’s trauma responses: stares blankly at the ceiling, puts a false smile on her face, described as a shell and a void, described as being prone to quiet and melancholy but “mostly lucid”, hollow and empty but sometimes cold and sharp. Azriel’s: blinks to shake off memories that froze him, his eyes go near-vacant, his family can’t get him to open up, “until he felt nothing. Was again nothing at all”, reveals nothing on his face ever. These reactions are nothing like the rest of the inner circle. They are sole traits of these two way more than others.
So my guess is similar to it hitting harder when Nessian are sweet to each other and when Elriel are being badasses because it isn’t how their usual interactions go: that how Nesta’s raging finally led to a moment of her being in a near catatonic state, Elain may very well crash out when she hits her limit. Rhys was there to pick up the pieces of Feyre when she left the spring court. Cassian was there to pick up the pieces of Nesta when she hated herself the most and wanted to disappear. Azriel will be there to hold Elain together, too. Though it’s looking like Azriel will be healing just as much as Elain in this upcoming book—more so like Feyre and Rhys healed together— which I’m looking forward to because we didn’t get much character development from Cassian without his storyline progressing with the Illyrians, which I will talk about another another post about the future of acotar.
I also talked about Elain concerning Voids, the Cauldron and what it might want from her, and Making jewelry whereas Nesta Made weapons here.
The line that bridges my final point to my following post:
He’d never once in the two years he’d known her found Elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her. Nesta in Night Court black threatened to bring him to his knees.
I just made a separate post about that here and how it’s just one example of how the bat boy’s tunnel vision for their own love interest can cause different interpretations of the characters, but in relation to just this post the takeaway is this: Elain isn’t meant to fit into the court of nightmares, but it makes sense that Nesta does. They have entirely different personalities and strengths.
Ruler. Warrior. Spy. The IC all have their own roles and place in the Night Court, complimenting each other’s different strengths to make a powerful court. Together.
As the Book of Breathings said,
Love me, touch me, sing me.
Life and death and rebirth
Sun and moon and dark
Rot and bloom and bones.
Light and dark and gray—
Together, together, together

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Hi @mortalfae7,
I'm forever an Elriel fan, but I did get a big confused with ACoSF, and the bonus chapter. The fact that Elain in black 'leached the life from her', and Azriel's shadows disappearing around Elain, but dancing around Gwyn. That made me doubt everything, despite the multiple references to Elriel chemistry. 😂
What do you think?
Notes on being oneself
Never be yourself,
You can be a lot to take.
Never be yourself,
Do all you can to fake.
Never be yourself,
Make up stories here and there,
Sell them like movie plots,
Enchant the world, so they can be shared
Never be yourself
Live a life loud and bright,
Fill your world with pride and joy,
Keep your circles quiet and tight.
Never be yourself,
Sometimes you may feel alone.
As you entered this world,
So you shall leave, largely unknown.
Never be yourself,
Some may let you sing along,
Sitting in the periphery,
But you will never truly know their song.
Take comfort in this truth,
Be proud, bold and interesting,
Never be afraid of loneliness,
The right people will find you arresting.
I just realized I am a selfish creature.
Bound between being extremely empathetic and being extremely rude to try to cover people having taken advantage of me, and to prevent future hurt.
To overcome depression, you must have good social interaction. To have good social interaction, you must be unselfish and open to take risks. I want to not feel alone. I don't want people but I need people so that I am not completely alone when I have a family, and can actually teach my kid how to make friends.
That's not the right reason to make friends. I know. I have been hurt and insulted so many times, disliked and betrayed when I was most vulnerable, so I know how to survive alone. It's a honed skill. But I am not happy. My relationships are suffering. I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I don't fucking know what to do.
unstoppable force (trying desperately to see the good in life) vs immovable object (wishing life would be kinder to me)

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REBLOG IF YOU'RE EXTREMELY BURNT OUT DESPITE ALSO FEELING LIKE YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WORTHWHILE AT ALL WITH YOUR LIFE!
Puppetry
Maybe we're all puppets that dance by a thread,
Displaying emotions like delight and dread,
Telling stories as Destiny demands,
With the whims of fate being our commands.
What if we found free will, and learned to feel,
Discovering new paths, knowing what's real?
There's a whole world out there to explore
Life is comfortable, but could it be more?
I don't remember how I ended up here
The others are content, yet I wish in fear
Everyone's ten moves ahead of me,
I'm trying to catch up, it's a mystery
Is it worth the risk to escape alone?
This doesn't seem right, it's all I've ever known.
So I hold on, helpless and afraid
I dare not be more than what I've been made
Dreaming of a future where we're not playthings,
To be alive, unattached to these strings.
Depression
When I hold the knife that causes my pain
I don't think I have a right to complain
Struggling to get myself out of the bed
I wish it transformed into a grave instead
What am I made of, if the simplest thing eludes me
I'm drowning, drowning, fading to obscurity
If all I can do is write the hours away
What's the point, waiting to see the next day
If it's all going to be the same, again
Listless, choking numbness consuming my brain
It doesn't make sense, I try but end up here
Am I not destined to live away from fear?
This life, it hurts, I don't know what to do
'Get help', I'm told. How, I haven't a clue.
Geometry
What if I'm shaped like a square When the world is made of circles? Should I smooth my sharp corners, Or should I just add more edges? Where do I learn to conform, To fit in spaces that aren't for me? Should I change to fit the norm, Or create another, entirely? How do I choose parts of myself To keep, or leave behind, with sorrow? Can I retain my identity, While evolving past tomorrow?
Anxious train of thought
Keep it together.
Don't lose control.
Don't let go.
Calm down!
Don't lose it.
Hold. it. In.
Don't worry!
You're so blessed!
How can you worry?
What's there to worry about?
Breathe.
Deep breaths.
It's not working!
Is it working?
Don't panic!
It's not anxiety.
It's just stress.
It'll go away.
Don't lose steam.
Relax.
What do you mean, "you can't relax"?
It's all in your head.
It's just self-pity.
It could be worse!
You're so entitled.
Don't let anyone know about this!
Don't make a sound.
They'll think you're crazy.
Just chill out!
Just act normal,
Just act normal,
Just act normal,
If you act normal,
Maybe you'll become normal?

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Reminder that even comedians struggle with mental health issues. We learned that with Robin Williams and now with Roy Wood Jr.
Just bc someone is smiling, doesn't necessarily mean they're happy. For example, before anti-depressants, I would fake a smile when I had to speak to people on my work route, then go right back to looking like someone killed my cat when I was alone
A few times I was okay with saying "I'm not doing well" to customers when they asked how I was bc I trusted them enough to not treat me like shit for feeling bad, but for the most part I'd say I was fine when I actually wasn't bc I didn't want the majority of people to know I was feeling fucked up
This #MentalHealthAction Day, support YOUR mental health at MentalHealthIsHealth.us ->The Daily Show with Trevor Noah
Such feelz today