19 days into my ketamine break. thats nearly a month

Ever since I got back from my holiday ive just been using like anything else so its not much of a sobriety break at fucking all

I think of autism as being a disorder of constant processing overwhelm. You don't filter shit out so well so it's the sensory environmental things and also your own body and also your own brain and thoughts and your relation to the world. I think and I say this esp after having a psychedelic expereince where I heightened all that stuff to a point where I overwhelmed the fuck out of myself and freaked out but I reflect on it quite alot, that experience exhausted me, even my chill first trip exhausted me. But also it made me think oh I'm not actually strange or wrong for being exhausted by life like no fuckjng wonder. Thay amount of stimualtion is too much for some ppl and even when you aren't on psychs everything overwhelms you, even though it's on a less intensive level like that's your daily state. Anyway maybe I need to hate myself a bit less over it

Everytime I get slightly drunk or wtv I always get this realisation and then instant regret thing where im like I want to fix my life i have to fix my life now immediatly and then I get stressed bc I can barely cook a burger and now your trying to tell me you want to pull up the excell spreadsheets and start financial planning. And then i just spend the rest of my night in regret rather than being able to enjoy it.

If anything it dont like pursuing active friendships anymore bc it gets so complicated socially. And when it inevetably falls apart its painful. Quick fleeting interactions with strangers is all I get anymore and damn theyre nicer, less pressure. But you end up missing closeness of having someone who knows you ig.

Its so rough trying to make friends esp in a dead town. I need to get out but god knows how I find and then hold down a minimum wage job long enough. Maybe credit card debt