Trigger warning: violent death/ptsd
So I finally decided to post on tumblr for the first time since... ever.
This year has officially been one of the hardest years for me. Thankfully my boss and colleagues are the most understanding people I know. For those who follow me and don't know, mum sadly died and it wasn't the cancer that killed her in the end. Her exposed corred artery (through a hole caused by the radiotherapy) had burst and it was the most violent qnd most graphic death. I tried to save her but she passed in my arms. Unfortunately as since her death been on diazepam (officially off it now) and seeing a therapist every week and only just transferred to a ptsd specialist. The horrific flashbacks, the horrifying sounds, my mental health hit critical point and then to add to this my dad was rushed into hospital with a stroke a week ago. This added to what's already happened this and last year has made 2020 a tricky year for me.
The sad thing is, I still see mum bleeding out while I'm at work. I still see the bathroom walls cover in blood as I did when I rushed in that fateful afternoon. I'm having to resort to blasting music as I shower so that I have something to ground me, but it needs my absolute focus. One slip of attention and I see the horrors again, from blood coming from the showerhead, to down my arms. I cannot watch the film The Addams Family no more, because a certain scene triggers me. I can go anywhere from seeing mum bleeding out in front of me, to nightmares, to seeing blood on my hands, hearing her gurgling as the the blood came from her mouth as well as her neck. I will say this I am getting help. I am hoping one day I can better, right now I'm seeing the therapist and on anti depressants.
But if anyone is reading this, has experience of living with ptsd, how is it you get by? What techniques help you?
Feel free to tell me, I am looking for suggestions.
