please be patient it can‘t be avoided

how am i supposed to feel no resentment towards a person that regualary overstepped my boundaries (sexual and otherwise), minimized my agency, rationalised away my feelings and didn’t take me seriously as a person in general. now i’m supposed to forget all of that and „be nice“.

maybe i’m being self important but i really have flashes of bright hot rage when i think back. when i kept repeating myself „can you stop touching me, i don’t like it and i’m not your pet“ and he indeed did not stop touching me.

disgust isn’t an emotion i guess. but i want to rip my skin off at the thought. 

disgust disgust disgust and shame that i kept going along with it for so long although i knew something wasn’t right. i even repeatedly voiced and caused immense arguments. still didn’t leave. stupid.

now i’m flooded with hate and anger. 

fucking ugly piece of shit loser. they were all right about him

my friend said to me the other day „but you’re lucky, you could’ve been all alone. you still had us“

and i’m thankful because i was heading into isolation, befor luckily snapping out of it last year. took me another year to really see things as they are and i still am struggling. i’m very impressionable and get weak easily if someone pulls on my heartstrings. not anymore. not when i have this pit in my stomach everytime we interact, when i have to be blackout drunk or using when we meet just to bear the sight of you and still feeling like getting used up anyway.

maybe i’m grandiose but how dare you.

i need to scrub myself clean with a wire brush. 

i read so much about these kind of situations lately and all the accounts of people resonated greatly with me. it’s like there is a playbook. 

you hurt me, i bite you. dog girl after all, hu.

oh the rage. but to spin it postively - i’m not all dead inside.

far from it even.

„i’m not mad about all the demented things that happened in my life so far, they had to happen because they finally led me to you“

after a mixed bag of a weekend i’m back to regular programming and trying to get my head and life in order. this consists of radically reducing alcohol (mediocre but steady success) and substances 

(47 days, whaddup), excercising every day and trying to be mindful and creative and tending to my little garden. what can i say, it works. mental fog has lifted a lot and i’m able to think straight for the most part and i feel uncanily hinged. also losing weight in the process. 

though life is a bit boring at this point i’m glad because i truly believe i would’ve ended up in rehab hadn’t i stopped the shenanigans. we have rehab at home haha

i’d like very much to become a better person

i try

i also need to rid myself of people that bring out the worst in me

i also am allowed to feel hurt and like a packet of minced meat, you know, raw and exposed and all that

also i am not crazy and i know what happened

manifest manifest

imagine if i hadn’t manifested j last year

i need to get up and finish cleaning. i’m very much still avoiding a lot of demands

i try

world.

mint royale: a tiny speck in this universe.

world.

truly a terrifying, confusing place, that i can’t fully make sense of.

right now (right here) i’m struggling with navigating the throes of human interaction, all the misunderstandings, my own and everyone elses selfishness and the frustration and anxiety that comes with all of that. on the other hand i’m so helplessly in love with j. the sanest person i know or maybe i jsut think that because we’re so much alike. he wraps me in me peace and 

the most romantic thing. he said „ is this the time i should change my relationship status on facebook or what?“

also he said „but we don’t have to put a label on it if you don't want to“

also „but i’d like to be your boyfriend“

i was quaking in my boots and it threw me for quite a loop and of course all thoughts and worries started spiralling at once. he took it cool tho

so now we’ll see how it goes i guess

nothing has to change except for neither of us being available for anything else, which wasn’t the case anyway for several months now. 

i’m very worried i won’t be able to live up to what he deserves. 

on the other hand i can’t deny the positive effect i have on him but i feel like an imposter anyway

also all the stuff that comes with it….man. can i say that i’m glad that the vast majority of his friends/family doesn’t live in berlin, so having to meet them isn’t a very pressing issue. 

got chewed up, spat out

came out the other side the tiniest bit wiser

i’m rich - and that’s going in the gratitude journal 

„what would go in the ungratitude journal“ j asked me yesterday

baby boy what would i know about this?

i’m so grateful for everything you gave me friday and saturday (and the 8 months beforehand)

i felt the love you practically poured into me tho the word is never spoken

but it’s there and there are moments when we look at each other 

and the space between us starts to hum, 

i look at you

(jesus this is so cheesy)

and i think that i love you and i know that there is no way you can’t feel it radiating off of me

then the things you say to me. 

the sweetest stuff

love is the sweetest thing

i’m rich

Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you Falling for you

music and love are two major themes.

i couldn’t tell you but i told all my friends.

„maybe… maybe you’ll still sweat on me in summer…“

deafening silence but you could hear the gears in my and his head creaking. 

„if that’s what what you want“

then the late night text: „I can well imagine moistening you in the summer if you like.“

i’m under the weather again - berlin winter. what can you do eh. i whined to all my friends (i’m the winjer). 

i couldn’t text j for a few days because i felt so down and out of it and had nothing of substance to say tbh. but today i told him exactly that and he was so sweet (just by being his usual self) and called me sunflower and told me all about the potatoes he ate.

i just want to run my hand over his bald head 

the warmth, your heat

i’m trying to get into the steak mindset

it only worked three times so far

but you have to start somewhere i guess

`can i do something nice for you? for your birthday, i mean?`

just meet me friday, ok

it bugs me you know

there’s a routine, i love it

winter sun

don’t even start

i would. would you? we’re not talking about these things. yet. i would, just so you know.

i’ll b on the worse side of 35 when we meet again.

friday, yes? 

yes, friday.

to think that only six or so months ago we met by chance (again, but i had really forgotten about you) and now we’ve celebrated nye together and i have a freaking toothbrush at your place and you send me emails in the middle of the night to ramble about frank zappa or sending me a pic of a scan of a print of the first cellphone picture that was ever taken of you and your best friend when you both were 16yo punk kiddies in bumfuck nowhere north germany. i feel it’s such a privilege to be let inside of your head, you have so many things to say. you’re clever and multi-talented. and soft and warm and kind. and when i lie next to you it’s as if my whole body is filled with sunshine. to bury my face in your chesthair is an unreal kind of bliss, i think it’s my favourite thing to do in the world. i can always hear your heart beating through your chest when i’m lying there like that and sometimes your rapid heartbeat betrays you and reveals how excited you really are. and then again we’re both so incredibly relaxed, spending the whole day in your bed, listening to the radio, talking and there’s not one moment we’re not touching. it’s insane, i always thought i despised human touch and now your blanketting my face with kisses. we kiss with our stale morning breath and still it’s fucking glorious.

to my surprise and endless annoyance i haven’t really gotten over the pre-madrid funk i had been in last week, if anything it’s gotten worse and i don’t know what to do about it. nothing works and even the pleasant things that are lurking on the horizon don’t do anything for me. i’m going to frankfurt on friday (pretty idiotic as i won’t even spend 24h in the city) and i’ll see j on saturday after two whole weeks. i should be thrilled and i’m glad that i’m doing all this stuff but i’m not able to muster up any sort of excitement. j messaged such nice things and now i feel like i’m not even able to answer him with the same energy (that he deserves!) because i’m so down. maybe it’s the end of the year scaries. yes when i think about it, last year around this time was pretty horrid as well and when i think about how this past year went …pheeeew, shit show too. i’m still facing this phenomenon where i have severely delayed emotional reactions to things that happen. d2 vibes all around. just put me out of my misery.i should be high on life, ovulation is coming up.i’m sure this too will pass 

maybe it’s just the fucking berlin winter depression

maybe it’s just the comedown from the weekend, seeing uw, doing stuff

maybe i have to accept the fact that you can’t poop rainbows all the time.i just feel so out of this world againg, so unbelonging. i’ll talk to j about this on saturday, because he KNOWS. 

wait, this surely can’t be a comedown, can it.?!  i took the smallest nibble on saturday and the rest crumbled between my fingers as i wanted to top off a bit during „two months off“.

i keep thinking “oh, this is how it’s supposed to feel” whether we’re just talking, kissing or he’s fucking me. just this “i never knew it could feel like this”. I didnt even know what i was missing the last 17 or so years. Well ok, peter gave me a slight taste but i also really did think the other day that j reminds me of him. It’s the kindness. the warmth. the way he takes me to the station everytime and waits and then waves. Just like peter did in the window every single time. yes yes, i’m head over heels. my friend said to me today: you need an incredibly kind and gentle man. And i agree. I’m soft. 

tho nowhere as bad as last week i’m still a bit under the weather which frankly isn’t ideal when i’m actually getting ready for the last big adventure of the year. i mean i love the thought of going to spain and seeing uw (both for the second time this year) but i’m just a bit preoccupied with … you know other stuff. 

last two weeks were both great (concert, love, friendship) and dreadful in other aspects (interpersonal conflict, illness, worries about future and the likes). i’m exhausted and on my period and a bit overstimulated by everything - good or bad.

had a sleepover at j’s saturday night but we didn’t get enough sleep and due to my overall not being the fittest atm a huge wave of anxiety and weakness and horribleness overcame me sunday morning. he handled it so well and while i of course had been able to handle it on my own, just being able to bury my face in his fucking chest made it ebb so much faster. then i fell asleep and he said i purred i like cat. i’m sure i actually snored like a bear but whatever.had i been alone in this moment i surely would’ve had to engage in some serious physical activity or singing or other far-out nonsense haha, so i’m glad i wasn’t. he really brought light in and i’m very happy about how things are going between us.

tried to do the sensible thing and went out to get a proper winter jacket at the actual shops today (after the one i ordered online was a total bust and now i have to lug that huge ass box it came in back to the hermes shop and hope they’ll take it back. it really is huge!).

well what do you know… first off i really can’t stand nk, i try to avoid it the best i can (especially hermannplatz, but everyplace else sucks too) but i had to go to karl marx straße because clothing store density is pretty high there. no use tho. i must’ve been in 5-6 stores or so and either everything was godugly or not available in my size. whatever my size is at this point, who knows, not me. 

neukölln arcaden pissed me off endlessly too.

can you tell i’m deep into pms teritory 

at least i had a midday walk (in the rain!) and i got some stuff at rossmann.

wow riveting day.

am in bed with my heating blanket now.

i have to write it all down in an effort to somehow conserve the already fleeting memory of how it felt. 

after a mostly sleepless night of rather deviant activities und questionable life choices i found myself not in the best shape. again. but the thought of seeing him in the evening got me through the worst of it and as i came home to clean myself up and rest a bit, i was already on the phone with my friend wo had partaken in the act of some serious day drinking and we agreed to meet up at her place for some emotional support and shit talking before i was going to leave for j’s place. her and i were equally dumbed down at this point and it was quite the giggly nonsensical affair, during which i was only able to lay down on her couch and talked the darndest shi. just lovely. her boyfriend came over too and brought some wine. afterwards they took me to the bus stop and saw me off to j.

despite the utter state off me he took me in his arms and i must’ve struck a caring chord within him because he insisted to go out in the downpour again and fetch us some shawarma. i liked that a lot for various reasons.

he laughed about the slight chemical burn i had inflicted on myself with my aha exfoliant and seemed pretty amused by me in general. then things of course escalated into bed activities and afterwards i dozed off, only to wake up to the sight of him leaning on the doorframe, watching me sleep, with the sweetest expression on his face. only god knows how long he had been standing there but it was a weirdly heartwarming moment. of course i demanded him coming back to bed this instant, which he did and activities continued. he called me „a good girl“ which made me absolutely feral („dog-talk“ is well established by now haha, a bit tongue in cheek but also you know…).dude i’m stumped by the insanely fucking 10/10 sex i’m having these days. who whould’ve thought? not me.and it’s pretty vanilla too and it’s just right.

we woke up early the next day and i got on his nerves with checking my phone every 15 min to see if i’d won tickets for destroyer that evening (i didn’t) and then we literally spent the whole day in bed, just talking (got pretty deep at times), making out and crawling into each other’s skin and had breakfast at 3pm .

one time he very cautiously mentioned that he was thinking about getting a nation of language ticket for friday and he said „…or maybe you already have company for the concert, a date or such…?“. thank god it was already dark again by then and he couldn’t see my maniacal grin.of course i don’t have a date, i was waiting all this time for him to ask me. well we’ll see if he actually comes, tickets are 50€ so… 

it was just such a little vulnerable moment.

there’s no doubt where this all will lead to but noone is talking about it yet. i don’t want to jinx anything and also i want to be sure.what a sweet, sweet man. a real person too. we connect on so many levels but by far the most surprising one for me is how excessively physical he is and how that doesn’t get on my last nerve (how it did in the past with other people) and that i can 101% reciprocate everthing. see i’m not a frigid bitch after all.

around 7pm or so i mustered all my strength (i felt almost human again by that point) and got ready to go home. he walked me to the station, as usual and we kissed goodbye. i like that i’m able to say „as usual“.

but now i’m all „peopled out“ and hopefully don’t have to see anyone til friday.