Crazy Cracker's World

I have come to the realization that I will most likely never wake up next to someone again. I will also most likely never experience a romantic kiss, or spooning, or any kind of opposite sex intimacy. This is a fact that I have come to realize over the last year or so.

I simply do not see myself meeting someone that I would share intimacy with. Lack of opportunity as I don't go out, I don't even know where I would. My job doesn't afford me opportunities to meet really meet anyone whom I would form a romantic relationship with either. I don't really want to try online dating either.

But I also have to be honest, I don't see myself letting anyone that close to me again. I just don't think I have it in me to trust anyone at that level again.

It is sad that I not only feel this way but truly believe it to be fact, but I just don't see it ever happening again. And I am not saying that I am happy about this, but it is just me being honest.

There was a time that these thoughts and feelings would make me sad or depressed, but I think I'm just becoming content with my life as it is. Would I like someone to share time and myself with, of course I would, but I am finally ok with being alone, something I really never thought would happen. And being ok with being alone, I would be afraid to let someone in, only for things to go bad and then I'd have to get used to being alone again.

"You said you'd never let me down. But the horse stampedes and rages, In the name of desperation" - Wasted Time by Skid Row

I have always loved that song, all the way back to when the album Slave to the Grind(yes I bought both versions!) first came out. But it has played through my head a lot the last four or five months. I have thought on it, pondered it, and considered it far more than I ever have before. Perhaps it came just from growing older, or other things or both.

I honestly believe that all those....things, I have done over the last three years, the effort I put in...was wasted time. Trying to be a friend, while hoping for more, wasted time. Doing favors, being a shoulder to cry on, a rock to lean on, wasted time. Pushing back dislike and in some cases pure unadulterated hatred to hold on to positive feelings, wasted time. Forgiving behavior that I wouldn't forgive anyone else of, wasted time.

Just a lot of Wasted Fucking Time.

I'm not saying that coming to this realization has helped heal me, far from it. Nor am I saying that had I not done those things, or acted those ways that I would be any more healed either. All I am saying, and believing is that it was just a waste of fucking time on a person who did nothing to show they were or are now worth it. When someone just makes the same mistakes and stupid fucking decisions, over and over again, well, helping becomes a waste of time.

I am not saying that I have made all the changes that have wanted to, but I have made plenty, and plan on making more. And one of those changes is to, try at least, to stop wasting time on things I should not waste time on. Live is finite, our time is finite, and the less of that time we waste, the better.

Now, those who know me, know of.....the promise. You may wonder where that comes in. Well, I don't break my word for anyone or anything and I don't break promises either. If the time comes that I ever need to keep the promise, I will, plain and simple. That however will not be wasting time, because, that is just part of who I am at my core. There are several of those promises out there to several people, some I haven't spoken to in years. But to quote another band from New Jersey..."If I got that call in the dead of night, I'd be right by your side". I don't expect to ever get any of those calls, but if I did, I would keep my word.

I am not going to dwell on all the wasted time, or whom I wasted it on, however, I am going to do my damnedest to learn from it. Because you can't get time back, especially if it is wasted.....

So, I really haven't written much of anything this year. Not on here or anywhere else, really for that matter. I spent the first five months of the year almost bed ridden with a very messed up back. Some days I had to literally crawl to the bathroom. Chiropractor visits three times a week and a constant regiment of icing my back took it's toll on me as well. I was just too upset, angry, depressed, and defeated to write or to do anything really. Honestly if it hadn't been for Skyrim I may have decided to just check out period. How many times has that game saved my life I wonder?

Three times a week at chiropractor turned to two, and eventually to one. As the visits got less, I began to move around more and to stretch and get back to some sense of normal. Now I am back to work, almost three months now, and am starting to feel more like myself. I wish I would shed the extra pounds I gained quicker, but I suppose one thing at a time.

And now I think my mind is settling in enough that I can retake this little part of the internet where where I say what I want. Here I can vent, I can rant and rave, I can criticize, I can create. I am hoping to do more of the last one than maybe I have done before. And sometimes perhaps it will act as a journal or diary or whatever, I guess I never really know for sure what I'm gonna ramble on about here, but the important thing is that I ramble.

I will admit that I have gone back and looked at some of the things I have put here in the past, and honestly some of it makes me cringe, but it is a slice of what was going on so I apologize for nothing. And I am sure I will address the cringyness(that might not be a real word but I don't care) more in the future.

Both of my boys birthdays are in the next two weeks, one of them is tomorrow. Between the depression of that, not working, finally accepting that I've lost my best friend. I cannot remember the last time I have been this low.

Deleted Facebook and Messenger off my phone, gonna take a break for a while.

When you're laying there, lights out, head on pillow, wanting to sleep, needing to sleep but it doesn't come. It doesn't come because your depression has brought panic, which has brought anxiety, and it all mixes with insomnia. You turn this way, then that way. You cover up with a blanket(in this case my Elvis Snuggie/security blanket) because you have the chills, then kick it off because you're hot. Your mind is racing in 100 different directions at 1000 miles a minute, yet you cannot put together a coherent thought. Everything just seems off, seems wrong. Your body aches, then goes numb, and then aches again, while your heart feels like it may burst from your chest. Your eyes water, but your not crying, your head buzzes and your ears ring. You lay there in the dark and you are and feel utterly alone. I have dealt with this at least one night a week for almost 3 months, ever since my back went out and I haven't been able to work.

Well, I will be honest. Feels good to have that said to me, it really does, but I am not stupid and won't be surprised if history repeats itself.

Knowing changes will probably not be made and instead same choices will be repeated, you think would make one say "Fuck it".

But I'm still going to be supportive and understanding and try helping her move in what I think is the right direction, because it's just the right thing to do.

Couple times my back seized up so bad I almost wanted to fucking die. Getting ready for work was a chore, it took like 15 minutes to get my famn socks on. Getting dressed was nothing but painful, as was packing my cooler. I've done 2 stops today and both have been painful. Thankfully the rest of my stops I am training and am a helper so should make it easier.

I can't call in sick, as I have people who either rely on me or I want to be in a position to help, so I have to power through.

Hopefully can get to a chiropractor in the next few days, and can get some relief.

What can you say, what can you do in response to that? Is it even possible to pull someone back from the brink after such a statement? Depending on the person making it, why even try? Why care at all?

To be honest, it may be easier to let them lie in the bed they made. It may be justified to watch them drown in the misery they created, especially if they have created pain and misery for you in the past. You could, revel in such pain and despair, celebrate and and take joy in it.

So...why does that statement tear at your being, at your very soul?

"I have no answers for my sadness. "

All you know is that reading it....broke your heart. The utter sense of despair, loneliness, and defeat ran through you completely. You should turn your back perhaps, but you can't. That's not you, hasn't been for a long time.

So knowing that you may come to regret it, you still try to help, still reach your hand into the void and try to pull them up, pull them out. You do this because you are the only person she can truly count on no matter what.

There may be anger and rage, resentment and hate, bitterness and spite; but thre is also still caring, caring and yes love. And for that you will not just reach into that black void, but you will walk into it, head held high and pick them up, and cary them out if you can.

I brought some of Tim's ashes along with me. When him and I had made our trip to L.A. he had mentioned having some of his ashes scattered off the Pier.

It was bittersweet holding that cylinder in my hand while smelling, hearing, and feeling the ocean. I filled my heart and mind with memories of him, said a few words to myself and threw that cylinder into the ocean. He loved to travel, he loved the ocean, and now part of him will forever be a part of it. There is a beauty in that.

I miss him. Almost everyday still. I miss his smile and his laugh, and his huge heart. I miss the live and encouragement he gave me when I got here. And when that fucking cunt had me fly back to Wisconsin only to tell me it wasn't going to work after all, after less than three full days, he flew me back here. He picked me up at the airport, he was my rock for a solid week, drive me to the interview for the job I would end up getting and he didn't let me crash or quit.

Often when I feel as if the world is caving in, or getting to dark, or the voices get to loud....I swear I can hear him. He tells me that although I miss him, he doesn't want to see me yet, and I need to keep moving, if not forward, just moving.

And so now he rests in the sea, until it is our time again.

She had never seen the Pacific Ocean before, and she stood in it. The Santa Monica Pier, the beach, the Cafe where we had breakfast, she loved it all. Then all the sight seeing, the New Girl filming locations, Venice Beach boardwalk, the Walk of Fame, the Chinese Theater, she loved all of it and she had a great time.

So I may not be 100% happy with where exactly I am in life, but I am thankful that she is still here. Thankful that I can still share things with her, both good and bad. Some people don't have their mothers anymore.

I am glad we got to make a bunch of new good memories together because life is short.

7 years ago he left this world for whatever is beyond. He did not go gently into the night, not at all. He raged against the dying of the light. If any person ever lived up to that Dylan Thomas poem it was Lemmy. He lived life on his own terms and nobody else's. He played loud and hard, and he LIVED loud and hard. Like his music or not, he SHOULD be an inspiration to everyone on how to approach your life. I have forgotten that a bit, but hopefully standing by his statue in the place he loved above all will help me refocus on that.

Born to Lose, Live to Win.

Gone but never forgotten.

Trying everything I can to just be able to lie down and sleep, but nothing seems to work. I mean it has gotten a little easier....but not much.

Maybe once the cats are here it will become easier or more bearable, we shall see.

But right now it's another night where it is 130am and I'm still wide awake, and have to work tomorrow.

First time in probably a decade that she didn't say Happy Birthday.

So, I am serious, I am going to try and get away from posts about this fucking bitch and the shit she did and said. Hoping this new year I can focus on something else entirely. But there are a few things I need to get off my chest first. I have been meaning to say something about this bullshit text string for a while but every time I started, I stopped. Tonight though I am drunk and in the perfect mood.

So I ask any women or men or anyone out there this. Why would you send this to someone whom you consider a friend, but you KNOW FOR A FUCKING FACT that they have feelings for you? Someone you actually were in a relationship with before leaving them for the piece of shit you ended things with a half hour before sending this? Why? Why would you send it? Especially if in less than two months after sending this, you tell said person that you cannot even be there friend anymore? Seriously, how and why can you put someone through this and then still be able to sleep at night?

Do you not have any feelings at all? Do you not have a fucking soul? How can you think this is ok, or right? Especially when you are back with the dickhead you were dumping in less than 2 months? And do you honestly think, that this person, who saves every text and photo you send him is not going to find your shithead boyfriend and show him ALL OF IT the next time he is able to? Do you really think he is not going to keep his word that he made to that person?