crashsector

I am having a real internal battle over whether your partner should or shouldn’t be able to ask you to change.

My initial gut reaction is that you should love your partner for who they are and want to be with them complete with their vices, flaws, insecurities, bad habits, and lifestyle - and vice versa. The idea that you “like everything about someone except one thing” has gotten me almost two years and a planned engagement deep into a terrible idea. Part of me feels that you shouldn’t go in to a relationship with the thought of changing the other person because that’s not the point. Love me as I am, or leave, you know? Because I don’t know how I would react if the other person asked me to change something about myself.

And then I flip the other way. If a relationship is a partnership in spirit, body, and world, what is wrong with identifying something that is making one or both of you less successful, or healthy, or productive? This started when I read something to the effect of “if you love someone enough you should be willing to make changes in the way you live your life.” I mean, when you move in together, you’re changing. You’re changing your daily routine, the way you interact with each other, and so many more things. If a relationship is two beings choosing to move forward through time and life, shouldn’t there exist the premise of making changes (big or small) that change the path the two of you take?

I feel at the heart of this dilemma is the idea that the flaws you point out in your partner (or anyone in life) are actually the things that you don’t like about your character or lifestyle, not theirs. Another way I look at this is if I wait for someone to come along with all of the traits that I consider desirable with absolutely nothing I don’t like or wish they would change I could be waiting for a very long time. So one part of my brain kicks in and says learning to accept these limitations is part of the fundamental reason relationships are formed.

But where does the line get drawn? If you are living with someone and an addiction develops - to drugs, gambling, food, video games, anything - are you wrong to wish they would change that part of their character? You know it is for their - and the relationship’s - well-being, so would wishing your partner to change in this case be considered selfish and inappropriate? Are you supposed to just accept it as the “love me or leave me” mantra so popular with the dating generations today?