Welcome To My Twisted Crime

Here is the draft: 

‘Dearest mupplings, it has been a long time, and in that time a lot has happened, as I’m sure you all know. This post will take you through the last coded message hidden within the tags of the blog, and the events that conspired after it. For your reading pleasure, here is the post we will be talking about:

What mysterious words are hiding within this encrypted message, you might be asking? Feel free to look for yourself…

The message that lies within reads as follows:

‘THE POISON IS IN THE HOLE NORMAN. MAKE LOVE TO YOUR SWEET DOOM.’

A sinister note from He Who Croaks, a dastardly scheme to bring about Norman’s end.

It’s clear that, despite the suffering and pain The Croaker is causing Mr Light, he cannot give up his love just yet. The need that Norman feels, the crushing desire to be connected with the muppet he’s spent so long with, cannot be disregarded. His love, his other half, his potential downfall. But, how did The Croaker know about the poison in the hole? Was it he who put it there? In the time that Norman was previously poisoned, did The Croaker shove a concoction deep into the waiting Muppet Hole? Was Kermit, the one who now moves of his own volition, the one to put it there?

Let’s hope he doesn’t give in to The Hole.’

And here begin my current thoughts:

What a wild ride we’ve been on. Unprotected muppet sex, a bat signal, then a final dangerous chemicals factory showdown. To, as the kids are saying, ‘recap’ the final events before this alleged killing of The Muppet Joker, I will briefly summarise said plot points. To begin, there was a lot of undescribed muppet sex. So much so that Kermit - inhabited by The Muppet Joker - is worn out and sleeps as our protagonist - self-titled ‘Norman’ - creates a crude Bat Signal - attaching a Dan and Phil reference to one of the posts. He proceeds to conceal the small Bat Signal in the hollow space of the Jrap On - Joker Strap On - and hides the Jrap On ‘elsewhere’, later clarifying this was indeed in his rear. He then has the Jrap On situated inside of him for a week before declaring that it is time for his plan to come to fruition. Perhaps irrelevant, the Jrap On is difficult to remove for our protagonist, when he sends Kermit to retrieve his ‘Workplace Required Non-Slip Shoes’. He tries to signal to Batman - his pregnant ex-wife - inside a closet, however the reason she turns up at all is due to her preemptive surveillance of her ex-husband. The infamous showdown takes place, and The Muppet Joker is supposedly defeated, or otherwise removed from the Kermit plushie. (Screenshot of the post attached for clarification.)

You may now be considering what the purpose of this blog even is anymore - the pretense was the implications of classical literature as directly comparable inspirations of the previous role of The Muppet Joker in the story. And, though I have a half finished essay on literary comparisons, clearly we must move on from the ideas of the story held prior to the infamous showdown. However, this is a blog dedicated to conspiracy, so I pose you this: is The Muppet Joker truly gone? Our protagonist still utilises the same linguistic tells as he did in character, although modernised to a certain extent. He still yearns for muppet hole. How much of this can be attributed to ‘our protagonist is still a similar but distinct character’? With out of character moments, often hidden in the tags, giving us a window into the personality of the true culprit behind this muppet porn, and admissions of personal affiliation with some of the content of the posts - of course, the lack of encrypted text may damning - surely we could gather The Muppet Joker is dead. But, if I dear posit the suggestion, can you kill The Muppet Joker if he is - proverbially - a representation of a carnal infatuation with muppet sex? Does The Muppet Joker live on eternally if the cult following of his character and muppet sex itself live on regardless of the infamous showdown? If our protagonist is still plagued by the urge, if the consequences of his existence live on, at least in some way he must also. 

Furthermore, why does our protagonist describe his seed as nectar? Why does he describe his ex-wife’s menstrual blood and other vaginal excretions as nectar? Without getting too much into it, nectar in literature is often used to denote a special substance - material or immaterial - holding some special property, such as divine or forbidden knowledge or power; this can include a solution to immortality, or a sweet, fleeting taste. Then we must consider the concept of muppet pregnancy and unprotected muppet sex. Not only does the latter inform the prior, but with the two previous examples of the use of the word ‘nectar’ we could reach two separate ideas. Firstly, our protagonist had a lot of, potentially, unprotected muppet sex, burying his ‘nectar’ deep into the fertile muppet hole, and to be ingested by the ready lips of muppet mouth. If The Muppet Joker was to be contained within the body of the muppet, does this ‘nectar’ grant divine or forbidden effects to The Muppet Joker? Is it possible He has become more than before from feeding on a powerful substance? Without pondering on it too long, and allowing any who dare to resolve their own conclusions, we may move to the second theory reached. Our protagonist describes previously using his wife’s menstrual blood - described as ‘nectar’ - to paint his Joker smile. Whatever property this ‘nectar’ is to have, in this instance, it is being used to reinforce the Joker part of a persona. Regardless of whether it is that of our current protagonist, or otherwise related to The Muppet Joker, the ‘nectar’ is being used to literally create physical traits of the Jokersona. As the Joker is an integral part of The Muppet Joker, one can only have some curiosity for any implications this may have.

Of course, when all is said and done, The Muppet Joker was exorcised from Kermit with the Jrap - an undoubtedly powerful weapon - and Norman is attempting normalcy, trying to find love, even as he repeats his mantra that his love for muppet sex was all an elaborate bit.

It’s a simple task to understand him now, The Croaker, asking his evil questions:

‘WHO’S THE PUPPET NOW?’

What we still cannot understand is if there is any significance to the pattern of grid sizes… (7x7,7x7,4x4,4x4) is it simply randomised, just fitting to the statement The Croaker persona wishes to make? Is it a pattern? Another code perhaps? Is it simply two of each repeated until x approaches infinity? (x being the index number of the code - i.e [0 = 7x7, 1 = 7x7, 2 = 4x4, etc].) Is there some significance in the numbers (4, 7, 16, 49) or other combinations of the base values (4, 7)? Perhaps only time will tell. Why even quadrilateral grids? Is there a reason The Croaker uses exact squares - an almost orderly pattern for the Crown Prince of Chaos? Is it an alternating series? Or something more sinister? 

Alas, we march forward, and the murder board grows. 

The brazen words are spoken directly to his creator. He’s spent months being locked away in Superhell and in subconsciousness in favour of  ‘good’ and un-Jokerly behaviour, but, now, he’s finally making a stand. There’s no such place in society for such brazen debauchery, yet here The Croaker is, free and unbound.

This addiction to revelry and the Muppet Hole, though hidden away, is eternal. It’s a key part of Norman. The struggle of fighting the pull to green, felt hole remains. No matter how much Norman wants to push it down, at the end of the day, his own personal Hyde comes out to play whether he wants it to or not. Even if he’s met with scorn and ridicule, The Croaker always finds a way.

What’s next for The Croaker? Only time will tell.

Carefully counting the letters, it was clear. Sixteen characters. Perfect. After some desperate scribbling in our joint detective notepad, we had it, the next message: 

‘LET ME GAIN CONTROL’

What could this mean? Was this a sign of some internal struggle for power? If Norman can no longer hold back his lust for muppets and tendency for dark Joker urges, where does that leave him? Caged away, The Croaker persona has gained a higher propensity for evil. And he is clawing his way back to the surface. Ready to unleash chaos upon the dashboards of innocent Tumblrinas. Your plinkos and blorbos alike will never be safe from his Kung Pow Punches, or his Joker Strap On (the Jrap). But I’m getting ahead of myself. Lost in the details of the case, my thoughts are scrambled. Red string stares back at me, expecting each idea to be spouted on the page. Alas, words must be carefully crafted, and the casefile is not closed. So, whilst I ponder the possibilities of a Norman/Croaker double suicide, or a trip to the arctic, I leave you with only one answer: The Croaker lives, and he is enraged.

It was the same cipher! Huzza! Translated, it read:

‘I’M NOT DEAD. YOU CANNOT DESTROY ME BAKA FOOL! CHUCKLES DARKLY.’

It was a direct challenge to the post itself! The Croaker coming out of the woodwork and crying Hark! I am alive! Knowing how much he must be hated, hating his creator. Alas, there are only so many potions of salt Norman can drink before his supply runs out and The Croaker returns, takes his estate, indulges in his sick fantasies. The denial, thumping hard in Norman’s chest, of his folly, of the knowledge that his creations lives on and continues to torment the common folk of Tumblr - brings him to subservient obedience to the muppet hole. Even when he forgoes the character, his nature is forever changed. One must ask: who created who?

As to why the Croaker uses these grids to communicate we do not yet know, but believe me when I say the murder board is being put to good use. Surely there’s some connection that ties everything together. Why the grids? Why not any other cipher? Why is it that, seemingly, the only way that the Croaker can communicate is through encrypted Tumblr text? How does this all relate to the James Acaster comedy special Repertoire? A dissertation is coming. 

I knew my partner’s autism diagnosis and obsession with numerical sequences would pay off one day.

There we were, scrolling through the latest muppet joker posts, when we noticed something odd. A haphazard keyboard smash. And numbers. Now, when you’re talking ‘bout the numbers, there’s no one better than an autistic creature with a special interest in theoretical geometry and a tendency to obsess over patterns, to consult. With a collective background in code cracking and cryptic language, we set to work, trying to find the perfect cipher to decode this string. It couldn’t be Ceaser, if it were, it would need to be progressive, but there was no way to use this ‘7x7’ hint. Grid based ciphers were not often flexible enough for a 7x7 grid space. Then it hit us. The solution was not to use a 7x7 grid of pre-determined characters to decipher a random string; no, the string was the 7x7 grid.

One public outburst later, and by Jove we had it. The solution.

|Y  O   E/  N   A   A   I   |

|O  T/  N   O   Y/  T   S  |

|U/  K  O   T/   T   T   S/ |

|C   I    R   I     H   E  P  |

|A   L   M   N/  A   R   A |

|N   L/  A    A/  T/  S.  N |

|N   M  N.   W  M  P   T! |

Translated, the string read: ‘YOU CANNOT KILL ME NORMAN. NOT IN A WAY THAT MATTERS. PISS PANT!’.

There it was, the proof we’d been looking for - along with a true understanding of the limits of a route cipher. Something was not right with this rebrand. The character of ‘the muppet joker’, the insidious creation of this so-called ‘Norman Light’, was alive and kicking. Reaching out through the void of a somewhat popular Tumblr blog to assert his mupping dominance! Watch out, @the-muppet-joker.

Norman Light cannot kill his creation. His life will forever be consumed by trying to rid the world of the horrors he’s birthed. His creation will torment him always.

This was only the start of the puzzle. Dr Jekyll, Dr Frankenstein, Dr Norman ‘Croaker’ Light, all bearing creations that they shunned, all bearing the consequences of their hubris - their challenge to God.