Splintered Health, Shattered Hope

I had a dear friend of mine tell me I gave my daughter autism.

She didn't yet know about my daughter. Hell, I was only just finding out about my daughter. But this friend was telling me about her brother's kids. She told me how the mom had taken antidepressants, and how it is a well known fact that antidepressants in mother cause autism in children. She told me that doctors don't tell women that, because if you tell an already depressed mother that her medication fucked up her kid..... you aren't going to have a mother anymore.

The discussion happened at work, and immediately after she said these things, she left for the day. I went to the bathroom and bawled. I cried and cried until I finally had to pull myself together and get my ass back to work.

I didn't know how much I believed her. I don't really believe that any one thing causes autism. I imagine it has to do with genetics and all kinds of social factors. But all I could think was I had fucked up my kid.

That conversation still haunts me. When I found out I was pregnant with kid #2, I stopped my meds cold turkey. Doctors kept saying, "It's okay to take them. It's more important for baby's health if mom's mental state is good." But the guilt was there and I couldn't do it.

Baby #3 came along and I actually listened to the doctors a little. I didn't think I could survive without some kind of medication this time. So I took some. The doctors told me, "Well, the risk is already there - if you are already taking a little, it doesn't actually cause any MORE harm to take MORE." So I upped the dose.

I now have an almost 3 year old who doesn't really speak.

Is it my fault?

I was told today that my 4 year old is showing a lot of signs of autism.

Is it my fault?

My 8 year old is doing so well, but also has such a hard life ahead of her.

Is it my fault?

I'm trying for baby #4. What if I take pills? What if I quit cold turkey? What if they have autism or another disability?

After baby number one, I really started to realize how much sex drive I had lost over the years. It was starting to hurt my marriage. Loss of libido is a common side effect of antidepressants (my oldest sister even told me that SSRIs are often used to treat hypersexuality or CSB). But I couldn't just stop taking them! So what was I to do?

I started hearing about Sex Therapy, which I had no idea was even a thing. One reason it probably isn't more well known: insurance doesn't cover that kind of thing. But my options seemed A) fork out hundreds of dollars a month, or B) lose my marriage. So I did it. For as long as I could afford. Which was not long enough to feel like I got anywhere. I ended up with more questions about myself than answers. Was my lack of libido due to how I was raised, past trauma, early sexual experiences, or was it just me? Maybe I would have gotten more from it if I had been able to keep going, but I walked away with "Just masterbate more!" as my only takeaway.

I've discussed it with doctors, therapists, midwives, pelvic floor physical therapists, and never get more than:

- "Schedule time for sex."

- "Read books about it."

- "This just happens with SSRIs."

- "This just happens over time."

Schedules work for a while, but then don't. Books only go so far to understand myself, but not how to fix me, and not how to help my husband understand. I tried escitalopram after baby number two, with no better luck. I tried Wellbutrin, but it gave me such terrible hyperhidrosis that I had to stop it. I've had hormones checked (which is too long of a story for this post today). Nothing helps.

The first time the scale hit 200, I bawled and bawled. I had gone up and down on weight for years, but was usually able to keep it from shooting up with good amounts of exercise. I was pregnant, and obviously babies come with extra weight, but I was heartbroken. It made me truly realize how much I had gained in just a few years' time. I didn't think more on it. I didn't contribute the weight gain to anything specific. I just felt lazy and vowed to get it back off after baby, and never go over 200 again.

My first pregnancy sympto.m hit when I went home early from work because my "coffee was sitting badly" that morning. It was the first time I had gotten a cappuccino from the machine in the cafeteria at work, and I thought maybe it had gone bad or something (not many people at my job drank coffee). Pregnancy actually didn't even cross my mind for a few days still. I found out later, my coworkers had all placed bets that I was NOT throwing up from the coffee.... 😂

With pregnancy, especially with a first, you have so many questions, and trust the doctors to guide you. I asked about my antidepressant because I didn't know if it was safe. They told me that I was okay to stay on throughout. I don't remember how much other information I got at that time, but I do know that I've had much deeper conversations with my doctors on the topic since then. But I trusted, and continued the course.

There came a time that I just didn't feel like I was at my best. My oldest sister had just been diagnosed with Hashimoto's and was encouraging the rest of us to look into our thyroid function. So I started listing out my symptoms- fatigue, menstrual inconsistencies, hair and nail changes, inability to lose weight, fertility struggles. My family doctor looked at my labs and didn't see anything concerning. (At one point he actually mentioned a possibility of PCOS, but also wrote it off per "normal" labs.) I insisted on a referral to an endocrinologist. I drove four hours roundtrip to go see one.

To this day, I have a trauma response when I see the man's name. He was the worst doctor I have ever met in my life. I told him my concerns and he told me I was just fat. He told me that women blame everything on thyroid because they don't have testosterone issues to blame it on, like men do. He told me that he wished everyone in the world had diabetes, because his diabetic patients were the only people who ever take care of themselves. I insisted on labwork, asking him to please look at any borderline results in the T3 and T4 especially, and it was like pulling teeth to get him to order them. Of course everything came back "normal", and he again reminded me that I just needed to actually take care of myself. I called his clinic manager to put in a formal complaint, and they just kinda shrugged. "Yeah, his bedside manner is terrible, but he's a great doctor. If he didn't actually do anything illegal or you're not searching for compensation, there is nothing we can do with the information you gave us. It is what it is."

Anyone who has started an antidepressant has probably heard words similar to, "You can always just take this for a while. You can stop when you feel better." I remember being told that 13 years ago. I was having major anxiety while working multiple jobs. I eventually up and quit one. The anxiety was making me incapable of functioning. So I went to my doctor. My sisters had been on medication for years, but I never thought I would need it. I wasnt 'depressed', just struggling. I believed him when he said I could taper off after a bit. I thought I would only need it temporarily. So I picked what my sisters took, assuming it would be perfect for me. And I took it with every intention of stopping when things got better. But any time I tried lowering the dose, my functions failed, my brain fought back, and I couldn't do it.