the best (and all) of cr1tikal quotes

Well, you know what they say. Be kind rewind, put your wiener in a behind.

This man is so unwell, he can’t so much as see a woman in a thumbnail without masturbating himself to injury and physical pain.

The blood in his neck around the impact zone here must be so scared and confused. I'm surprised it didn't just run away, all the way down to his penis or something - just give him a boner out of confusion just cause the blood didn't know where it was safe to hide.

Boys I’ve got some bad news, I don’t remember how to get over there. One of you is gonna have to come over and hold my hand.

Jet fuel can’t melt slugs!

Oh, memes! Look at me, I can meme real hard babe. I'm-I'm meming real nice.

So the first scene introduces us to our protagonist Ricky, who walks around possessed by a demon.

Okay, nobody panic, I just scratched my ballsack so nobody be alarmed.

Oh look, it's the president of the dildo enthusiast club.

We need a way to beat tornadoes. When the fuck can we finally make an impact on tornadoes? Like, we can kill everything on the planet except hurricanes and tornadoes? I don’t accept that.

Mark Hamill who plays Luke Skywalker in the cult classic basketball documentary Star Wars, plays Eric who I’ve yet to see in this movie.

Oh look it, the lakes frozen, good chance to take my Ford f150 out on it.

Alright, Pokémon: Brick Bronze. More like dick ons, because that’s what I’m going to do to these children.

Fuck, that's all I did in elementary school! I'd take those mechanical pencils and I'd pop those fuckers in half.

The off-duty librarian starts getting a little aggressive. She starts sounding like Miss Piggy going through menopause.

Oh, to qualify was only 28. I got 76, sniff my shit bitch!

Jeff Bezos says no, you will work during an ice storm.