Coyote Tough Guys™

All that shit, all that misery, and for what? To try to get him to fuck you at your parents' house and get shot the fuck down?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Goddamn. Wild stuff.

Oh, and that bullshit about me somehow controlling your transition? Weird how I was the one constantly trying to get you into therapy and to use your insurance, huh?

Well clearly since I was the reason you didn't transition, you must already have gotten a consult on a masectomy, right? Must have looked into hrt? Must have... done... anything... right?

Unless, of course, you actually don't want to transition because you are terrified no one will want you without tits or balding or with a gut? Isn't that what you once confessed to me? That you didn't want to do it anymore because you were afraid all the straight men you kept falling for wouldn't like you?

I wonder how long it'll be until people start to question that particular narrative you've been spreading about me.

Because funny thing is, I'm with people who are on T, who have had a masectomy, even people who are poly. And I don't have a problem with any of it. Because they don't lie about the stuff that matters, and communicate clearly and openly.

I do wish I could've just been friends with you tbh. Never seen behind the curtain. You put on a great facade, just so long as no one gets too close or asks too many questions.

God it feels like a relief to just let myself actually stop making myself so small for you. I let you shape me in so many ways big and small, you CONDITIONED me to use specific phrases, to apologize constantly, to be indirect and cowardly. When I told my therapist about your actions she just kept saying "so he gaslit you." Until I finally said the words, then called me out on how hard it was to even acknowledge your abusive tactics even to this day! Well no more. It's such a goddamn relief to not spend every waking hour hating myself for not being enough. Now I'm more interested in raging at you for MAKING ME ACT MORE CIS FOR YOU. Even down to pressuring me to LOOK MORE LIKE YOUR CRUSH. God, I was just a fucking toy for you huh?

I was so fucking stupid for believing all that shit you wrote and said. I loved you and was vulnerable with you in ways I never was sith anyone else. But then you got comfortable and let who you really are come out on me.

I hope you fucking choke you abusive, controlling, manipulative shell of a creature posing as a person.

God I wish I had never messaged you and you were just still rotting away hating the world being an incel.

All those times you would beg me to hold you and tell you that anyone could see the real you (the one you keep hidden from all the people you are constantly shape-shifting to impress) and still love you? That's such a tired abuser cliché bro. And to think I stroked your ego - because I was scared of you, shit head, because you CONSTANTLY threatened me with "you haven't seen me *really* angry... I can be so much worse..."

You've always been pathetic. That's why you need to lie to *everyone* about what happened, that's why you *can't* admit weakness or flaws to your friends and need to use me as a scapegoat.

I'll enjoy watching from the sidelines as you repeat your patterns, because every time you stop and reach some real self-reflection, it never sticks. Your fucking pride always wins out in the end.

Was at least validating having people around to talk through it with, gauge responses, be baffled by the same things I was baffled by.

At least I guess I have my answer. He'll never acknowledge what he said, not in a million years, because that would mean acknowledging abuse. If he had sat down, or even just talked in person, I might at least believe it has just been because he is afraid of me outing him in some way. But this deliberate effort to avoid even acknowledging his whole confession happened makes me believe he will never allow closure and will never relinquish control over my perception of reality.

I am eternally thankful I wrote down what he said, because otherwise his refusal to acknowledge it might actually convince me I had imagined it or made it all up. I'm also thankful for telling people about it while it was still fresh.

Lies to me and others (and refused to acknowledge bad things done in relationship?) so that he can control others but especially me. Generally does many things to try to control others.

Wants to keep me at a distance unless he wants support from me and knows he doesn't want to extend support back. Wants to keep me around so I can give support when he needs it/doesn't want to admit disability or shortcomings to others.

Thinks that Slater (and maybe Jacob) wouldn't like it if they knew he was still talking to/interacting with me so wants to stop being my friend now that Slater is talking to him.

Acknowledges that things with Slater is the reason our relationship ended/became unfixable.

Acknolwedges being fixated on Slater and the connection between deception/hiding things and interacting with him.

Acknowledged previously putting him on a pedestal and that he would attack/remove anything he viewed as standing between him and Slater.

Like, why say all that shit??? Then lie about it??? Is it like some final fucked up gaslight? Is it meant to make me sound crazy, because who the fuck just admits all of that then pretends it never happened?

Of course lying about that is the last way to get some kind of control. You were always about being in control, huh?

I swore I'd never let anyone have that much power over me again. I trusted when my instincts told me not to. I ignored the signs, the small deceptions and half-truths told to impress me, I thought if I just provided reassurance that would go away in time.

I still do feel empty and discarded some days. I broke myself down. And for what?

I question my reality and judgement now. Replaying memories and moments to try to disentangle what's real and what I was told was real. It's hard to trust... anyone. Anything.

I think I am loved. But it's hard to believe in.

God I hope today makes it better and not worse. I hope I get some kind of closure. Some kind of answers. Something. Anything.

Just so it doesn't feel like I'm drowning all the time anymore.

I think back to times that I stopped, mid argument or in the midst of taking on a caregiver role for someone who was hurling vitriol at me as thought (or said) "this doesn't feel okay, this feels abusive."

I think back to all the steps I took along the way to explicitly *not* be controlling, to not take away agency, to encourage growth and independence.

It has been weird talking through these things with others. When I say them all together out loud, it feels obvious in retrospect. You don't spend four hours apologizing while having vitriol hurled at you because you phrased something wrong if you're in a healthy relationship. People who love you don't lie to try to control you.

But when I do walk through everything, I feel so pathetic and useless. I even tried so hard *not* to give into the tendencies and patterns I noticed early on. I even tried to leave, several times. But I was weak. And I showed my weakness, I exploited myself as much as anyone else ever did.

Used and discarded.