Letters to Saturn

Introducing myself!

Feel free to call me whatever, just be kind.

A bit of basic info:

-19 yrs old

-she/they (queer)

-infp/aries

-full time college student

I mainly write for fun, when I'm sad, or to remember emotions and events. Everything I post in here is original content, reblogs are appreciated! Please feel free to interact and share your thoughts, feels etc.. I love connecting through writing. I do have a fandom blog as well too (@cowslikestowrite) if that is something you are interested in, check it out!

i love him and i grieve him in the same breath

kissing slow

aiming to seal it

to make something more than a law

but a path that leads to us, always

he and i make love like the sun makes light

like it’s our product of being

and we shudder through the weight of creation

together

he is not a piece of mine that is missing

but fortifying and belonging

like the summer fruit off trees

he lets me devour

it’s spring and i’m beautiful once more

tell me about you, darling

let me hold a dream too

i was running till

you found a way to hold me

let me love you like i know how, darling

it’s spring, i’m beautiful once more

kiss me slowly

i’m forgiving myself

let me hold you, darling

And I love you 

though you cry when you cum

And you go on anyway

I forgive you 

All the roadways turning darker

Marring the skin

I forgive you

Though your face is round from all the wine

And your feet ache from dancing

I forgive you

And you are mine 

And you are me

And i wont deny that 

Even with the wetness on your lips

And the wetness in your eyes

I won't let you go just because you

Miss the warmth of a forced hand

And the shame of morning

I forgive you

You are still me

Even when you beg for another lie to sleep to

Even though you prayed for it to happen again

Just so you could exist in someone

For someone

You are the only thing i have left 

the secret to beauty

it’s the undying hunger and

the unholy thirst

an empty so deep

so dull

i create again despite the dark

despite the depression

i am born again

clutching the secret to life

and i’ll kill myself again

until I become something more

the hallow stink of a carcass

rotting and abandoned

i used to be beautiful

i used to be closer to god

before the maggots ate my skin

and i began making love to the ground

i used to be something

used to be someone

used to love it all

used to feel

but

i’m drunk again

and i can’t forget you

can’t be

anything

now that i am half dead

i was on the edge

and you fucked me over it

fuck me again baby

i’d rather be dead

than

a division and betrayal

of myself,

of the world that still spins behind me.

if i follow this sun,

do i too die in the night?

and what of love?

what of the mouth that stole from me—

the innocence that rots soft in the corner,

a home i cannot return to,

a full moon that wanes,

and the women who pray after her come morn.

undefined and tumbling,

through bottles and dawn

another walk in the dark,

my body moves without me

i grow because i have to,

the assault

there you are

molding the dark around me

kissing me open

out of my sleep

i was so gone

i thought you might love me

i thought to myself

this is my moment

all while you rode my hand

and kissed me open

and i carry you everywhere

under my nails

in my skin

you pressed your knee to me

your tounge on my teeth

it was love

that was the only thing i knew to call it

to wish for it to be

a ghost

kissing me open

night after night

was that all there is?

was i there simply

to be consumed?

and now i weigh in daily

wondering what i have lost

i want a soft future that walks alongside me

in other stories, i go on to better

and Spain becomes heaven

and heaven is real

in this one

there is no moon

and i’m too tired to pray

i hope He hears me anyway

Wailing

the bone curls back into itself after the fracture

like it’s making up for its implicit weakness 

it mutates, careening into a swift death

a drill to carve it correct 

that Kudzu is spreading 

until the roots are no worse than the brick walls they split through 

and the vines become

a guiding hand towards hell

the bird that jumped but didn’t fly

the doe on sides of the road

running fast and bleeding out

blooming puddles for 

an accident that follows you home 

the keloids we bear 

and that unforgiving wind 

chasing and changing us into 

a shadow of things we knew to be 

everything grows

you broke it

and now my bones are growing wrong

youre not my splint

nor the crack in my ivory

but i’m rebuilding it all around you

and the form is shit

can’t walk like i used too

can’t talk like we did

staying still doesn’t keep it from splitting down

doesn’t keep the swell from swelling

you broke it

and they have to cut me open now

they have to take you out

and i have to do it alone now

i’m growing all wrong

by now you’ve remembered

love is just a sound

that static is home

and running north doesn’t hide you from God

If things were beautiful

if things were alive

they’re going now

falling endlessly

until there’s nothing worth

writing about

sometimes defeat comes in quietly

like closed eyes and skin waiting for the case of dirt

waiting to return to what once was

by now you’ve remembered life doesn’t move sweetly for more than a summer

and you’ve begun to prepare

to be alone

i’ve become quite aware of how

he shapes destiny with his hands

stubborn and beautiful

i wish there was a way to convey

i think he could coax flowers to bloom

in the dead of winter

if only he would speak

that he could soothe an ocean

with the stories he tells

and turn flames into a hearth

with his patience

i want to tell him he makes rebellion a gentle thing

that i’ve never seen someone hold steady

never seen someone

curl roots around concrete and grow despite

i see centuries in him

the ones before him

and i witness the divinity of humanity in a way i never have

he carves fate with his hands and his brows furrow

i know it can’t be easy

he never said it was

but still, he sculpts his own path

and i love him.

in this life

crude violence and

staring down on the bad

on the scariest parts of ourselves

of this world

there are much braver people to be

in this live

who deal in blood

connect the bone

and go on walking

tradgedy making phoenixes of us all

the rising of celestial bodies

falling in line

shining on the worst

of us

there are much braver ways to live

this life

unflinching and composed

sealing letters with lipstick stains

and asking for what you want

but i sit here afraid and known

primal and frozen

like im taking on death

like he’s out to kill me

there are much braver

things to be

to this one

i don’t know the metaphors

i don’t have the gift of writing

when im held sweetly

when there is nothing to destroy

but please,

let’s just stay in this morning

where you love me

i’d rather be happy