Courageous Love at Amazima

This morning while I was diving into a convicting devotional around servant leadership I felt the habit of needing to “escape” and jump on social media or look at my to-do list. I most definitely think this was the enemy trying to deter my growth in Him. So I leaned into the urge & instead opened up another app that lead me to His word, Infinitum. And today’s prompt was from the founder of the organization I am serving in.

Saturday morning I was getting ready to head to a Bible Study and my tiny wardrobe door was open. I caught a glimpse of the sweet smiling flower, in the first picture, hanging amid my clothes.

Let me fill you in on why this moment was a beautiful one by sharing two stories.

1. Ten years ago I spent my summer deep in the Minnesota forest, very close to the Canadian border. I would say this was my second real adventure away (my first being moving to college, but that was only 4 hours away). When I arrived I truly had no idea what to expect. That summer I was challenged to be vulnerable with strangers, learn in the moment when working with our kids, and find a great deal of adaptability in plans. After I returned home, I felt the wave of emotions. I lived hard and grew fast over those 3 months without taking a breath. I bonded so quickly with complete strangers and now our lives were on different paths. I missed the crazy community of all meals together and fun games throughout the day. However like all good things, I was able to hold onto the sweet memories and the relationships built.

So that brings me to why I have a flower in my tiny wardrobe in Uganda now. This flower was given to me by one of the foreign national staff that had flown over from Ireland. Some of the specifics are fuzzy, like why we we're shopping in town, when she gave it to me on our trip and the kind thing she said when she gave it to me. But Oonagh (I LOVED her name) had picked out this plush stuffed flower for me. I don’t think she really understood the magnitude of what she was doing. But she was a person that I was amazed at her resiliency and attitude on life. She had flown across the world and shown up in a new place and was being so generous and thoughtful. I can only imagine that there were so many adjustments for her. We hadn't known each other for that long, but this small act has continued to have an impact.

I remember as I was unpacking my bags full of dirty camp memories that summer, I found the flower and decided to keep it. My next journey after Minnesota was to Colorado. And this little flower made its way there as well. I’ve always put it in a place where I know I will see it daily, but it’s in a place that is often overlooked. Over the past years this flower has been it in my linen closet, on the shelf above my washing machine, and now in my tiny closet.

I can’t say that I recognize it every day, but when I do it happens in the moments where I need it the most. You can’t not smile when there’s a smiling flower looking back at you. And I love that I find it in the mundane projects of life.

2. Recently I have been living out of my Home Depot storage boxes and old suitcase for the past 2+ months. I’ve had days of annoyance, days of feeling unsettled, and days where I’m just over having to open different bins to try to piece together an outfit for work. One of the first things I did independently here in Uganda was work with a carpenter to try and build a wardrobe for my room. To leave out many of the specifics, it can be summarized that it wasn’t as successful as I thought it would be. The wardrobe currently sits unfinished in my hallway. It will not fit into my room and unless I want to pay more for it to be cut it in half, it will stay in our hallway for the duration of my time here.

This project has been valuable in growing my patience, my grace, and adapting in a new culture. I have worked through language barriers in our collaborating of this project, spent many hours sitting in my house as it morphed into woodshop, and tried to balance being an minority independent woman who is firm, yet cautious.

I share these two stories because it's not a big event or anything crazy... it's just about two very natural, small parts of my life. Jesus is here in those moments, just as much as He is there in the big life changing ones. The act of someone from so long ago still impacts me today. And the project of a "basic necessity" helped me grow.

I pray that you live out small moments of actions, notes, words, or treasures in the people's lives around you. You will never know the type of impact you will have (And that's ok because that's not why we do it.)

In my last newsletter I shared that the small group of us girls that just arrived in July have been digging into a bible study together. It's called His Last Words and it reviews John 13-17. When I originally bought it I thought Really only 5 chapters of John, for 7 weeks? Let me challenge you the same thing I've been learning... do not be focused on the quantity, you will miss Him in that mindset. We are often so focused on getting through the Bible. Flexing our muscles that we've read all of the books. Or showcasing the amount of scripture we get through daily. That is not what it is about friends (I'm reminding myself as well).

We are currently only starting to work through John 16. It has been so valuable to slow down. To mediate on each sentence. Read these words from various translations. And to see the beauty of scripture intertwined together from different authors of the Bible from across a wide time gap. Journal through your thoughts. Search for other messages on the same scripture and learn another perspective. Sometimes God is breathing life into one verse or chapter and we must be still enough, present enough, and willing to listen when it happens.

So I share all this because of what happened this morning. With Uganda still under a COVID-19 lockdown, I have been unable to visit churches here on Sundays. That is bittersweet because one of the first things I do when I move somewhere new is to explore a new community for me to call home. However, the beauty of what COVID has brought is more churches offering online services. My last church in Kansas City, Restore Community Church, has modeled an amazing path of this online community. They saw the need of connecting those who are unable to be in person Sunday morning due to distance, job schedules, or even medical reasons. I have transitioned from being in person to now joining the online community from across the globe. Uganda is 8 hours ahead of Kansas City so I had to find a different rhythm of watching Restore's message on Youtube a week after it happened because my Sunday mornings happened before it did there.

This morning during my Sunday message, Theo was discussing John 15:5 "I am the vine, and you are the branches. If you abide in Me and I in you, you will bear great fruit. Without Me, you will accomplish nothing" Whoa. God is speaking. And I am here for it. Same scripture I've been praying over with a group of girls from different walks of life called to Uganda to serve Him. Previously, I might have been annoyed and been like Yeah, yeah I don't need to hear this I just talked about it last week and might have tuned out or even turned off the message because I selfishly believed I had heard all that I need to or knew all the things Theo would say about this scripture. However, I was so excited to see God speaking life into this scripture and showed up with a willing heart to listen to what He is teaching about himself. What is He revealing that I missed? What in my current life is He speaking to?

Two weeks from today I will be sitting at the airport waiting to board the first leg of a very long trip across the ocean. This will be the first stamp to my passport. I will have 2 years of clothes, supplies, and new gadgets packed away in my boxes & suitcases. Putting words to my future reality makes my palms sweat as I type it.

I woke up this morning and emotions were hitting hard. All of this is starting to feel uncomfortable. Because it is! I'm doing something I have no ability to fully grasp. I'm leaning on complete strangers hours away to help me decide what to pack and how to say goodbyes to loved ones. And let's be honest, when we feel uncomfortable (or at least when I do- physically or emotionally) I tend to gravitate towards irritability, grumpiness, and quite unpleasant to be around.

I dropped to my knees this morning with all the emotions I was feeling. God was the only one I knew who could handle all the ugly that I was feeling inside and I knew it was seeping out into my words and actions. I gave it to Him real. I let him know the doubt, the fear, the insecurities, and the loss of community I was feeling.

Early on in my walk, I thought I had to sugar coat these moments. That I had to only show the silver lining to my heavenly father because anything else was ungrateful. I truly believed that I was being selfish if I was anything other than positive in my prayers to Him.

However, I found that approach to be more damaging in creating a relationship with God. It kind of felt like the relationship you have with Positive Patty. You know who I'm talking about, we all know someone who refuses to listen to you complain before interrupting with "Well it's better than..." or "At least...." Or maybe they are always quick to show you the silver lining. Now don't get me wrong, I can be one of these people and I also think there's a time and place to take a positive perspective BUT I also know the power of listening and letting someone feel their emotions without stifling them.

I generally feel my emotions best when I'm sharing with others and talking through it. (Many have you have sat in these conversations with me & definitely know this is how I feel). So if I had the belief that my conversations/prayers with God needed to only be positive than I was never being real with Him. I was faking it to the One who knows my inner thoughts & my future paths. Who was I really kidding in my prayers when I vocalized "Oh God thank you for this opportunity" when I was truly feeling "Lord, I feel so weak and confused on this season that I know you've called me to". When I put to words and surrender them to God, there is so much power in telling Him and sometimes crushing the lies I have believed.

There's also power in sharing your prayer requests. The praises of miracles and little moments. Along with life-changing news and daily speed bumps. I have been so blessed with many individuals who have checked in to specifically pray for the challenges that come with this life change. They know the power of prayer, the power of numbers fighting against the devil's untruths he will tell me, and the power of our loving God taking on what was always meant for Him to handle (I just sometimes am too stubborn to loosen my grip to all Him to).

Let me fast forward to the afternoon of the same morning where I felt broken and weak. Because I surrendered. Because I fell to my knees and proclaimed my need for God. Because I allowed Him to be part of my day instead of carrying on with the weight of all the emotions I have. He showed up. In little ways and in my interactions.

I went to a local CVS to pick up a prescription & photos. The pharmacy was extremely busy and the workers seemed overwhelmed with keeping up with all the orders. The two customers behind me were engaging in a conversation full of negative speculation and impatience. It made me attempt to be even kinder to the lady behind the counter when it was my turn because I knew that the next two interactions after me probably wouldn't be as great. I then proceeded to the main checkout at the front where a sweet old lady sat behind the counter hooked to an oxygen tank. I inquired where to pick up my photos. She said she could help me as she took the breathing tube out and started to slowly walk to the other side of the counter. During the checkout process the machine was being difficult in scanning and applying my store card. We engaged in friendly conversation as she tried to problem solve and I waited. Towards the end of the interaction she looked up and paused and she said "Thank you. You are just so pleasant. I love it".

Tonight I was invited to join a dynamic group of strangers, all hearts on fire for God, who passionately serve out their missional purpose in many ways. They covered me in prayers and cried out to God for His work to be done as I move to Uganda.

One lady prayed over me that may God's strength and will always be bigger than the needs that surround me. That I keep my head above the waves and eyes fixated on my ever loving father.

Man, God was at work in that room because that is not an easy thing for me to do right now... I can't imagine what that will look like as I navigate a new country, culture, school system, and community.

I knew as soon as I got in my car I needed listen to one of my ultimate favorite songs on repeat. I want to share a piece of my heart & how God has/is/will continue to use it for His glory!!

You call me out upon the waters

I think of Mark 8:23-27 where Jesus' disciples are in the middle of the storm in a boat as Jesus is sleeping. They are so fearful and for sure that that their God had forgot about them. However, our heavenly father will never forget us... especially in time of need.

The great unknown where feet may fail

Every bold and courageous step I have done, my God has been there before me and with me. Moving to Mizzou. Serving at a camp in Minnesota for three months. Saying yes to being a nanny for four children in Colorado. Going back to school for my EdS. Moving to Jefferson City. Moving to Independence. Stepping into a new role in North Kansas City. Exploring and being open to Uganda. Each of these seasons (and more) were unknown. Scary. Where I had 100% chance of failing. Especially if I did it all on my own. And let me tell you, my feet did fail. I did fall down and have inner battles, faced rejection and hurt and confusion, allowed other's perceptions to influence who I was.

And there I find you in the mystery.

Every. Time. God was there. Sometimes in more noticeable ways than others. I learned surrendering the hard way. From a broken place on my knees crying out for His love. God showed up in the children I loved for two years that opened my eyes to my career as a school psychologist. I will never doubt that God is in all the suffering and joy.

In oceans deep my faith will stand.

When I pause, reflect, and allow Jesus to work through the story of my life I have mounds of faith and trust in His plans. I can't always say that when I'm in that ocean of doubt and fear that my faith is super strong... but I am praying that one day because of my daily surrender to God in all things I will be able to naturally surrender to Him in the hard and really big moments! I have not be blessed with unshakeable faith 🤣

I will call upon your name.

Have you ever just been at lost of words and just whispered or cried out "Jesus" or "God" or "Abba" or "Heavenly Father"? If you haven't, I invite you to. Our words don't always have to be perfect because He already knows what is written on our hearts even before our lips say it. How powerful is that? But saying His names in times of stillness, happiness, and heartache are all so powerful.

And keep my eyes above the waves.

This is my downfall. I am so distracted by the waves in the distance or taking note of the threats around me that I lose focus on looking towards my heavenly father.

When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace.

Oh how I need His strength and embrace in these moments. This is exactly what the lady praying for me tonight was talking about. The Holy Spirit was filling the room during that prayer because God knows that He wants me to rest in Him. He calls us towards him always. Especially as chaos surrounds us.

For I am yours and you are mine.

How beautiful is it that I, Chelsea McDowell am call yours by the Creator of the huge mountains and the vast sky. And that same powerful and loving God is mine ❤️

You grace abounds in deepest waters.

His son Jesus was sent to Earth to live a human life to mold God's love and be the ultimate sacrifice for my sins. That love, mercy, and grace is beyond deep. It shows up to all of us not based off of our own good works, but because we have given our life to God for His purpose and works to continue on.

Your sovereign hand will be my guide.

This is why the Bible is a must daily. I'm not perfect at it & I know when I miss my daily bread of his Living Word. He left of stories of miracles, using imperfect people to spread His message and make disciples, and how He has called us to love. This is the ultimate guide. Not my wants or what the worldly desires say.

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

Matthew 14:25-33 I can relate to Peter who needs to put his full trust in Jesus who has called for Peter to walk out on the water towards Jesus. Peter asks for Jesus to show him that he truly his Jesus Christ and Jesus says ok I will, come to the water. Peter starts off so confidently and almost is amazed. Immediately he is reminded of his insecurities, the dangerous situation he's in, starts questioning how long this will last until he's not ok, and panics a little. There is no judgment coming from this girl because I will pray pray pray for something to happen and then when a great opportunity or miracle happens I'm in shock/amazement for a split second and then immediately I spiral into my negative thought patterns or start to doubt God's power and plans.

You never failed and you want start now.

This. Is. So. True. Even in the moment's where I may think that God has "failed" me there are outcomes or growth that have occurred from them. He has not failed me. His plans are always bigger than mine so even in the hard to swallow moments or the angry/confused fits, God has not failed me. He is still there with me.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

This isn't just continent lines on a map. This means the stereotypes and boxes we live in. Lead me to love and live alongside those that look different than me. Talk different than me. Were raised different than me. Lead me to love those who society says are disgraceful or useless. Let my love know no end.

Let me walk upon the waters.

Insert my dear friend Peter's struggle here that I know I would struggle the same way he did.

Wherever you would call me.

Let me always be searching for your voice above the wants of my hearts, above the pressures of society, and above the influence of comfort or other outcomes. Let me be obedient even when it isn't clear, resting in the knowledge that you have gone before me to bless this calling to your fulfillment.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

So many doors and plans and people have let me down and dissolved into nothing. I truly believed that my wants and plans would allow me to grow into what I thought I needed. But looking back, if those opportunities hadn't slammed in my face or if I wasn't rejected from that job, I would never know the depth of which God had planned out for me during another season in my life.

And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

Yes. 100% true. In my brokenness, God has showed up so powerful. It's as if he was waiting for me to loosen up my tight grip of control around my life to show me "I've got you child". Reminds me of 2 Cor 12: 9 & 10 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong

So my plans for the quarantine & God's plans for the quarantine were so different. He has worked on me over the past year that I not only can feel it, but I can see it in my interactions and I notice a change in my thoughts.

There's too much to really unpack all the emotional and spiritual work that was done over the isolation and space, but I do want to share one tool that was powerful. This website gives you tools and reference points to look at your spiritual roadmap. I honestly had never been asked to do this & sure hadn't thought about it myself (I strongly encourage you to dive in & truly reflect with a judgement free!)

Now when I originally looked at it I was thought "Wow Chelsea, you've been the Explore category for some time now". And at first I felt guilty, but then I started to be thankful for how patient, loving, and revealing God was through this whole process. He never pushed me to hurry up and He was never so impatient with my wandering thoughts or heart, that He stopped showing up for me.

It was almost instantly that as soon as I realized that I had been staying in the comfort zone of Explore for too long, God opened up opportunities for me to transition into Follow. I would say the two biggest pieces, and ironically the hardest, of this transition included me completely trusting and living in active obedience. When I was in the Explore realm I was picking & choosing when I trusted or was obedient, most of the time just when it was comfortable or convenient. I also acted like I got to compromise with God on His desires and sometimes would put my wants way before His plans. I know that seems crazy to read, but in my honesty I was finding the not so pretty pieces of me that I needed to learn from.

So I give you all this back story to jump to more of the present day & share the story about me baptizing on of my friends, Becky.

This, my friends, is where God has given me a taste of what Influence looks like and how on fire my heart is to continue to in disciple making calling.

When I originally said yes to a leadership role with a small group of women I definitely did not feel equipped or like the right person. I by no means had my life all together and was far from perfection. I definitely could not quote every part of the Bible or even pronounce some of the names in it (this is still a struggle for all those wondering 😂) What I learned through the apprenticeship, was that all of these "weaknesses" were ok because I was showing up in humility and a hunger for my God. I welcomed Him to use me as a vessel for other women.

I have come to love these women so dearly. We have shared the difficult and the funny details of our lives through technology. We have created quite the dysfunctional family in one of the darkest and unknown parts of most of our lives ❤️ We were this little community rooting each other one through the tiny squares on the computer. Together we have felt the strong emotions and dove into perplexing questions in His word. It has been beautiful & so different than most of the friendships I had created in my adulthood up until then.

So a little over a year into all of this, one of the sweet ladies, Becky, texted me to ask if we could talk. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I knew that I would be fully present for whatever the conversation brought (the challenging or the joyous). However, I was completely taken aback when she asked me to part of her baptism. All of my doubts and insecurities surfaced and I thought “She can’t be asking me because I will let her down” and “I am not the right person for her because I’m not good enough.” I, of course, said yes to stand next to her in this commitment & be part of her public proclamation of giving her life to God. But, if I’m being real, after we hung up I forced myself to dive into these immediate negative thought patterns because I wanted to figure out what I was so afraid of.

Recently my church talked about Acts 1:7-8. It reads, “He said to them: “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” I laugh, in the kind of you-know-you’re-guilty-way, when I read verse 7. Since when did I get to be like “Oh, hey God it would be great if you let me in on your when all of this is going to go down” or “Before I say yes to your plans, God, which have ALWAYS been better than my sweet childlike ways... I need to know your exact why behind it” That just all seems so prideful, naive, and self-centered!

God never had the plan for me, alone, to be enough for my sweet friend to be baptized. But He does have the plan to use my imperfections and giving heart to share His good news. To be His witness. He never said to be my friend's savior.

So I came to realize that I actually was 100% right in my original fears. I, Chelsea McDowell, was not enough for my friend. But I did know my God to be. The end goal was never for me to provide life-giving hope and the ultimate sacrifice for my friend, but I sure could share with a man who died on the cross for all of our sins. Because of this realization, we both have found true surrender that is so freeing and a father who does. and always will no matter what, think that we are enough.

Phillipians 1: 3-11