There are things I never told you because it felt safer and easier not to. And they wouldn't do either of us any good now. The truth is it was safest to try to rewrite the past with her because I knew if it fell apart, I would survive. And if it worked, she'd already seen my worst so I couldn't mess her up too bad. And of course I missed that deep connection and familiarity because I loved her for a long time. I wanted another chance at that dream.
But if I'd tried with you and lost you, I'm not sure I'd have survived that. That's why I told you that while I might have considered you at one point, I saw you as a friend. That I couldn't see past her. And that was somewhat true but it was also a lie. I'm really good at lying to myself. Because if I'd let myself keep seeing you as more than that, there was too much chance of me ruining things. And I couldn't bear to ruin you. I loved you too much for that. You were becoming my greatest comfort and I didn't want to chance that going away. But there were still some feelings there that weren't strictly friendship feelings. Even if I buried them. And then I ended up with someone else for a little while because he was as much of a wreck as me. I saw myself in that and felt like I couldn't break him either, that we could understand each other. But I still may have had some buried feelings for you then too.
And now I'm so happy with Matt and deeply in love. Blissful, even. I've never felt so understood and so taken with anyone. Despite his past.
So why do I still feel guilty about how I handled things with you back then? You're my best friend and I want us to stay the same. But God, I was such a jerk. And the fact that I kept things from you burns at the back of my throat and in my stomach. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't even understand things myself.
janainaart
romaincrisis
germansingergirl
prguitarman
pixelskylines
