─ THE SIN CAKE EATER.

──   have you ever heard of 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐍 𝐂𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐑?   ──

#COUNSCL:    an  independent,  private,  and  selective  portrayal  of  GERRI KELLMAN   of  hbo’s  succession;  waystar royco’s  general  counsel,  temporary  CEO  standing  on  the  glass  cliff,  ready  to  eat  up  all  the  little  sins.    written  by  sylvie  /  she/her  /  21+.        [  mature  content,  care  advised ! ]

carrd. | promo.

roman  still  was  overwhelmed  by  the  dissent  toward  logan,  even  if  it  was  as  small  as  dissent  could  get  ;;  he  wasn’t  used  to  this  type  of  care.  he  didn’t  think  anyone  had  ever  offered  any  type  of  condolence  ;;  when  people  learned  about  his  past  (  or  rather,  looked  at  him  and  made  sense  of  it  by  how  glaring  it  was  —  heart  on  his  sleeve,  a  kid  that  got  𝐛𝐚𝐝  𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝  growing  into  the  body  of  an  adult  )  they  never  gave  him  any  sympathy  beyond  a  nod  and  a  pat  in  the  back,  a bad  joke  from  shiv  or  kendall  that  he  would  try  and  convince  himself  meant  they  cared  but  just  didn’t  know  how  to  𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰  𝐢𝐭.

❝  i  think  he’s  too  close  to  Dad  to  get  cleaned  up,  otherwise  he  would’ve  gotten  cleaned  off  the  record  like,  before  i  was  even  fuckin’  born.  ❞  he  let  out  a  shaky  sigh,  rubbed  his  face.  he  tried  not  to  think  of  how  many  kids  could  have  gotten  the  same  treatment  from  his  uncle,  but  every  time  he  thought  about  him  he  couldn’t  help  it  —  there  had  to  be  more  kids  for  the  joke  to  spring  up  in  the  first  place.  sometimes  he  wondered  if  his  siblings,  too,  had  suffered  the  same  fate.  it  would  make  sense.  for  kendall,  at  least.  ❝  i  mean,  if  a  guy  gets  called  uncle  mo  as  a  joke  on  him  being  a  child  molester  that’s  usually  a  𝐛𝐚𝐝  𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐧,  isn’t  it  ?  ❞  he  knew  it  was.  his  father  had  explained  to  him  that  he  should  not  go  in  the  pool  alone  with  him,  and  he  still  did.  it  was,  some  way  or  another,  𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒  𝐇𝐈𝐒  𝐅𝐀𝐔𝐋𝐓.  ❝ … real  name’s  lester.  mo  -  les  —  you  know,  you  get  it. ❞  he  tried  to  sound  amused  by  the  little  in  -  joke  the  roy  family  had,  hey  one  of  our  family  members  is  a  child  molester  !   isn’t  that  hilarious  ?  but  it  fell  flat  as  soon  as  it  came  out  of  his  mouth.  he  could  make  anything  funny  but  his  own  pain.

he  cleared  his  throat,  straightened  up,  but  he  couldn’t  quite  meet  her  eye,  as  much  as  he  tried.  vulnerability  was  like  an  ill  -  fitting  suit  ::  he  could  not  wear  it  well,  no  matter  what  angle  he  tried.  ❝  look,  gerri,  i  —  i  appreciate  what  you’re  trying  to  do,  really,  i  appreciate  the,  um,  sudden  moral  backbone  you’ve  acquired  overnight  at  seeing  that  i’m  just a  poor  wittle  victim,  but  i  promise  you  that  there  is  …  fuck  -  all  you  can  do  for  me,  or  against  uncle  mo,  or  for  anyone  that  ever  got  fucked  by  him.  ❞

power  within  waystar  left  you  paradoxically  helpless,  and  gerri  had  long  since  learnt  to  live  with  the  unsavoury  taste  which  came  with  the  realisation  that  their’s  wasn’t  an  industry  you  entered  into  seeking  to  𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑵𝑮𝑬  things.  still,  at  some  point  in  her  life,  before  she  had  sold  her  soul  to  be  the  face  of  waystar’s  POSITIVE  ACTION,  before  she  had  learnt  that  harassment  was  something  that  the  women  kept  quiet  about  if  they  were  successful  and  learnt  to  use  if  they  were  SMART,  she  had  been hopeful,  naive,  the  WALKING  STEREOTYPE  of  a  girl  who  believed  herself  determined  enough  to  make  a  difference.  she  looked  down  on  those  women  now,  and  she  could  not  say  that  she  was  ashamed  of  changing,  killing  her  out  of  necessity,  until  roman  put  voice  to  her  ineffectuality and  something  stirred,  dormant,  uncomfortable  in  her  core.

❝  … perhaps  not.  ❞  the  admission  of  her  own  shortcomings  was  unfamiliar,  a  foreign  language  to  her  tongue,  but  roman  had  deserved  something  from  her  in  return  and  if  her  honesty  was  all  she  had  to  give  she  would  serve  it  on  that  age  old  silver  platter.  the  alien  feeling  lacked  explanation,  and  she  could  admit  to  neither  guilt  nor,  perhaps  worse,  a  dreaded  feeling  of  concern  for  the  youngest  roy  son.  she  had  always  navigated  waystar's  halls  -   a  hostile,  pre-ME  TOO !  circle  of  hell  for  anyone  below  the  executive  floor  -  with  the  cast  iron  belief  that  if  she  could  survive  it  then  they  all  could.  it  was  a  𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐓𝐘  she  had  adopted  without  consciousness,  without  acknowledgement,  and  without  fanfare,  until  this  moment  when  standing  before  her,  roman  was  proof  that  not  only  was  there  worse  to  survive  but  that  survival  was  the  least  of  anyone’s  concerns.  suppression  had  been  easier  before  it  had  worn  a  familiar  face.

roman’s head was pounding. all he could think about was his uncle’s hands, the way no one knew but at the same time everyone did, the bedwetting and military school; how it was an OPEN SECRET. logan was still in contact with him, last he heard, and he knew perfectly well what had happened—roman hadn’t seen the man in ten years but he would haunt his memories for the rest of time ;; and he would always, always be part of the family, because there certainly wasn’t room for a sexual abuse scandal in waystar royco. it was nearly three decades ago, anyway—who would care about it? a rich man rapes his nephew. it happens all the time. it wouldn’t even make the headlines.

❝ no, no, ❞ he said, fiddling with his hands, looking around to make sure no one was watching them. he wished he could keep pretending everything was fine and dandy, but gerri had him down cold and there was no way to escape it. at least she wouldn’t make him spit it out. hopefully. he could count the times he had said it out loud in one hand. most of his conversations about it were a long game of CHARADES. ❝ he’s already been severed, i mean, for the most part, it’s not that big of a deal. ❞ he shrugged. it was, in fact, that big of a deal: logan would sometimes mention him casually just to see how he’d react. old dog, old tricks.

❝ jus’ get jumpy, that’s all. i’m fine, gerri, like, jeez, don’t get all sweet on me. ❞

loyalty  to  the  roy  family  had  never  been  a  certainty  to  gerri,  though  she  performed  the  illusion  well;  she  had  learnt  from  her  husband  that  when  you,  the  CHOSEN  FEW,  were  invited  to  walk  amongst  them  within  their  palaces  of  𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐃  and  𝐁𝐎𝐍𝐄  you  were  expected  to  behave  with  a  certain  level  of  sycophancy,  that  a  friendship  with  the  roys  existed  as  a  debt  you  lived  to  repay.  but  she  had  managed  to  avoid  expectation,  OBLIGATION,  on  a  personal  stage  by  holding  them  at  arms  length.  if  baird  had  loved  them  ( and  he  did  -  she  remembered  how  he  had  adored  their  complex,  caustic  godchild  when  gerri  herself  had  never  hoped  or  tried  to  understand  her  )  she  had  tolerated  them,  engaged  with  them  only  to  an  extent  that  her  husband  and  waystar  had  made  them  relevant,  and  when  kendall  and  then  roman  had  grown  into  the  company  they  might  as  well  have  been  strangers,  raising  a  professional  relationship  from  the  ground  up. 

as  such,  the  concern  resting  in  her  core  for  the  youngest  roy  son  was  unfamiliar,  a  man  she  had  respected  as  a  colleague  and  the  son  of  a  colleague  without  encountering  this  form  of  care  for  him  before.  but  he  had  retreated  from  the  room  in  a  way  that  made  her  stomach  lurch,  conclusions  as  pernicious  as  this  world  had  ever  been,  coming  together  without  context  she  could  be  CERTAIN  OF.  she  had  followed  him  because  she  had  convinced  herself  that  she  understood,  had  taken  the  strange,  violent  puzzle  pieces  of  the  moment  and  had  created  a  narrative  which  could  account  for  his  sudden  horror  (  this  world  was  known  to  her,  after  all,  more  than  she  ever  would  admit,  and  the  worst  of  certain  BAD  ACTORS  remained  at  the  back  of  her  mind ),  and  for  some  reason  she  couldn’t  put  her  finger  on  - GUILT,  the complicity of her silence?  solidarity  of  some  form?  she  didn’t  dare  think  it  could  simply  be  empathy  for  him  -  she  felt  responsible  to  act  in  his  defense.  

@sstaysoft​ said: ivy :O |  from  here.

ivy  :  what are your muse’s views on marriage ?   do they believe it is something strictly for love ,   or an institution rooted in business   &   social benefits ?   do they desire or have they desired to be married ? 

this is a fantastic question that i wish i had an answer to !  but alas, like most aspects of gerri, the truth lies somewhere in between. her marriage to baird is probably the best example to demonstrate this: in my interpretation i tend to follow j’s idea that he was significantly older than gerri, worked in legal, and was close friends with logan roy long before she met him ( the red flags are NUMEROUS, but that’s a subject for another day! ), and an ambitious young lawyer pursuing a relationship with him makes perfect sense when you think solely about the opportunities and networking it would allow her. but do i think that ambition would necessarily be enough to lead her to marriage? i’m not so sure. we could never call our gerri an old romantic, but we know that eventually she has two children with this man, and that she’s still grieving for him, in her own way, years after his death; i’m under no doubt that gerri, at least as i write her, felt a love for the man she would still probably be hesitant to admit to, even after decades of marriage. so do i believe she’s precious about marrying for love? no. there has to be something to gain from the marriage, it has to make sense, and i think that even if she was madly in love with someone she wouldn’t agree to a proposal if the marriage would socially or economically harm her. but all the same, i don’t think she’d marry someone she felt nothing for, no matter how beneficial it would be. all her relationships are this neat little package of affection and advantage: we watch her use her relationship with laurie to gain backdoor access to doj information and indulge roman’s attention, which comes with roy family support and a business partnership. without that benefit, however she begins to feel for him and however deep under her skin he gets, i don’t know if she would have taken things even as far as she does with him.

@gentsleuth​ said: ❛  who could better understand than me?  ❜ ( team logan solidarity ) |  from  here.

𝑯𝑬𝑹  𝑨𝑴𝑼𝑺𝑬𝑴𝑬𝑵𝑻  𝑰𝑺  𝑨𝑳𝑴𝑶𝑺𝑻  𝑺𝑯𝑨𝑴𝑬𝑭𝑼𝑳,  and  she  swallows  before  a  smirk  can  really  take  hold  -  she’s  not  prepared  to  admit  how  ABSURD  she  finds  their  loyalty,  not  when  she  (  or  benoit,  she  suspects,  though  few  people  who  have  walked  waystar’s  GOLD-PAVED,  SHIT-STAINED  corridors  have  ever  been  prepared  to  instigate  that  conversation  )  has  little  intention  of  turning  her  back  now,  but  he’s  right  in  that  there’s  something  to  be  said  for  solidarity  here,  moments  to  be  savoured  before  the  knife  is  plunged  into  the  back.  they’re  old  soldiers,  still  following  a  failing  general  into  battle,  but  who  even  is  the  enemy  anymore,  she  wants  to  ask  him.