the art of getting by

📅 10/02/2023

I thought I have a storm brewing inside of me ~ turns out I don't even have a drizzle and now I think I am stuck.

📆 04/20/2023

Hello. Still here. There’s just this massive transition happening right now. Will talk to you soon after everything settles down.

📅 01/10/2023

ive been binging dear modern's feng shui videos about arranging interiors. even if one doesn’t believe in such a thing, there are a lot of logical applications from feng shui i found that can be considered for organizing personal spaces.

i learned about surface level stuff: basically good lighting, ease of access, and self-awareness of putting yourself in a vulnerable spot.

here are some of the things i've managed to apply in my space:

– for work space or areas i spend a lot on, back should be behind a solid wall (no windows or place for people to look/sneak at you from behind) and where you can see the entire space in front of you so you know what’s happening and who’s coming and going – moved furniture so they’re either not in the way going somewhere in the house or they are easier to reach and access.  – changed lighting depending on their purpose (bright if i need to stay awake, soft for the bedroom) (here’s what ive been doing all these years: dont use bare/exposed lights. put cover to reflect, diffuse, or soften) – sleep away from the door/window so people cant see (or snipe lol) you – hide harsh shapes/objects ✂️🗡️⚡🧨🪓 – add life 🪴💐

these are just really obvious things but things you dont think about until they’re pointed out.

so yeah, share ko lang. im on an organizing high rn bc i feel rejuvenated from cleaning all day today lol.

some of the things said in the vlogs i keep thinking about:

ive done enough portrait shoots, jobstreet bookmarks, and resume revisions but i still cant bring myself to focus on really looking for work. i was already ready before but at this point it feels like im always getting ready. every time ive adjusted to a situation, the world will shift opposite my direction. lockdowns, loss, an entire new shit always. im exhausted.

my brother is pissed for he shoulders the majority of our bills while i try contribute from what little freelance works has given me and do some house works. house works makes me feel a little better but it's only an illusion because that's only a false comfort.

Assistant Manager for Graphic Design at an international bank. It's more than I hoped and aimed for. I am so grateful and it all feels so unreal. I didn't think I was qualified to be offered on such level. It's validating. It's exciting. It's a dream come true...but I have to withdraw. Fuck. Solely because of a sudden slump. We're financially struggling. Our savings are depleted to the point that we only have enough for our daily expenses. Our bills? Bahala na. We won't be able to cover the costs of me moving out. We can't afford to pay advances or to even look around for a place to stay. We can't afford to get stuff that I'll need. We can no longer rely on our friends and family. We can't...we just can't afford to do anything drastic right now, we don't have the luxury. Ironic.

My heart breaks. I've worked and wished so hard for this. For a long time I felt inadequate and I thought I finally got a win. I thought I was finally on track again. Not this time, I guess.

10 Sept 2022.