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Stopping the JNT from being arrested: a comprehensive rulebook by Iwaizumi H.
General Audiences | Chaos, attempt at humour
1. A volleyballer in prison is a volleyballer who won’t be volleyballing for a long, long time.
2. If you see Sakusa and Atsumu “sharing hand sanitizer” by holding hands, say nothing.
3. Just because Kageyama always catches him does not make Hinata less banned from jumping on our setter. If either of you are injured then we are in deep trouble.
4. Just because Oikawa is in the proximity does not mean you can send out search parties to find and assassinate him. See rule 1.
OR: Whoever’s idea it was to put the entire monster generation on one team, Iwaizumi hopes both sides of their pillow are warm tonight.
but kuroo has never been slick a day in his life. this mans is awkward af. he cannot flirt (though this does not stop him from trying). he is not smooth. he’s a blushing, fun-fact rambling mess and he’s so incredibly valid for that. kuroo blushing is actually the cutest thing ever so like... he’s extra valid for that specifically.
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it's crazy to me just how much of kazuyo is ingrained in kageyama like . . . . kageyama's personal maintenance routine was something he learned from kazuyo. kageyama’s favorite food is pork curry with a soft-boiled egg just the way kazuyo used to make it for him. kageyama learned what it meant to treasure the things important to him simply because kazuyo said only you knew what was important to yourself. kageyama probably applied to shiratorizawa because kazuyo went there. kageyama spent so long waiting for his someone better to find him just because kazuyo told him there was, and when his someone better finally DID kageyama poured everything he had into becoming their someone better, too, because if there was anything he learned from kazuyo at the end, it was that nothing could make you happier than wholeheartedly loving someone the way they loved you.
as promised, there will be no screaming, no jumpscares, and no discomfort. only silly chaos and chaotic silliness :)
anyway, here’s various hq characters’ go-to pranks, in no particular order:
tanaka: releases pigeons into the office of whichever staff member most recently pissed him off. last year, it was the teacher that was actively creeping kiyoko out, because tanaka found her mid-panic attack shortly before winter break. nothing had actually happened yet, just Bad Vibes(tm), so tanaka took matters into his own hands. (after clearing it with kiyoko, of course, and kiyoko approved) where does he get the pigeons? no one knows. who is his next target? rumor has it it isn’t a staff member at all, but a fellow student. rumor also has it that this student is a tall, blond first year with a sour attitude who mocked tanaka’s pigeon attack mercilessly when he heard about it. but that’s just rumor ;)
(more under the cut because this is turning out to be a longer post than i thought it would be)
yachi: she bakes oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. she tells people they are oatmeal raisin cookies. they eat them anyway when she offers, because no one can say no to yachi. they are shocked when they’re chocolate chip cookies. she is an evil mastermind and should be feared.
daichi: lets hinata and kageyama run practice. no one is ever the same again. daichi has no regrets.
takeda: he is absolutely the teacher that gives out tests of Very Silly instructions and says this is worth a large chunk of the final grade. kageyama falls for this Every Time. tsukishima fell for it once. this does not stop kageyama from bringing it up at every opportunity.
ukai: wears the most intense (obnoxious) outfit he can. last year, he went death metal goth, but he mostly only scared his parents. this year, rumor has it he was browsing clown costumes. there is a 99.99% chance that none of the team will recognize him - he goes hardcore with costumes.
kuroo: writes all of his texts in periodic table chemicals. as if, if he was trying to say “see you later”, he’d write “copper lanthanum tellurium argon” (Cu La Te Ar). everyone hates this. no one responds to his texts. the joy he gets out of it is disproportionate.
oikawa: speaks only in terrible pick-up lines. will not stop, even if iwaizumi tries to suffocate him.
matsukawa: only speaks in riddles.
hanamaki: only speaks in rhymes.
miya twins: swap hair colors. no one is fooled.
sugawara: swaps schools with his identical twin sister. pretends he’s her, and she pretends she’s him. confusion abound. she does successfully gaslight daichi and asahi. she does not successfully gaslight kiyoko, but sugawara still considers it a success.
ushijima: pretends he doesn’t like volleyball anymore. this prank fails, because all of shiratorizawa is so concerned that they actually call an ambulance. no one is laughing. ushijima is a little disappointed. tendou promises he’ll help him put together a better prank next year.
kiyoko: puts on red eye contacts. not everyone notices, but the people who do? Shook.
hinata: skips practice to show up at nekoma and surprise kenma. kenma is not as surprised as hinata would have liked, but he does invite him to join in on nekoma’s practice, so hinata still gets his volleyball fix.
kyoutani: flirts back when oikawa says a pick-up line to him. three dead, twelve injured. kunimi, the only teammate to have received a warning, catches oikawa’s reaction on camera. it is beautiful.
nishinoya: rides on asahi’s shoulders, wearing a truly massive trench coat. he spends the entire day giggling, and the teachers let him have his fun. they only almost die on the stairs twice.
bokuto: doesn’t understand the concept of a prank. buys people SO much candy and gives it to them, wanting/expecting nothing in return. everyone loves bokuto’s pranks.
tendou: puts salt in his teammates’ water-bottles. shirabu almost clocked him - the only reason the hit didn’t connect is that semi kicked tendou’s legs out from under him before it could, sending him crashing to the floor.
kageyama: doesn’t attempt homicide once all day. hinata is Spooked.
aone: talks all day. date tech: Gobsmacked.
yahaba: steals oikawa’s phone. changes all of the contact names to the most creatively unflattering personal descriptions. example: “iwa-chan <3″ becomes “almost normal man, except for the fact that he has the Worst taste in men” and “makki” becomes “kool-aid man if he didn’t see the sun for a decade”
futakuchi: dresses up like moniwa, wig and makeup to improve facial appearance very much included. koganegawa is so enamored by the idea that he does it too, despite not knowing moniwa very well.
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i nearly started crying at work because i remembered the kenhina friendship
it’s just... so pure... can you imagine a love without expectations? can you imagine someone seeing you and just... choosing you? no second thoughts? someone who, for all intents and purposes, isn’t anything like you, and yet has chosen you? for someone to see you and love you not despite but because of your faults? to meet your insecurities and boundaries with total acceptance and joy?
