Corinnebaileyrp

You never know how strong you are

                                          until being strong

                                                                  is the only choice you have

Corinnebaileyrp 

After experiencing the heartache of unrequited feelings, Aaron was deeply pleased to hear his own sentiments reflected back by Corinne. If he had taken the time to truly contemplate them without the haze of self doubt and anxiety, he had always felt that she was right there with him. While they had never voiced the deeper meaning behind their feelings, it was evident there was always something there. Something nameless that had developed well beyond the nurse and patient dynamic that had once existed in another lifetime for them both. 

“There were so many times I wanted to say something before I had to leave,” Aaron reflected quietly. “But, I didn’t know what to say. How do you explain this,” he gestured between them. “It didn’t feel like there was a way to explain it without making a complicated situation even more complicated. How do you even describe this?” Love - he thought. 

“So maybe we’re making up for lost time,” he considered, smiling as she hugged her arms around him a little tighter. No matter how many times she did it, every little touch that she initiated sent a wave of warmth settling over him. She wanted to be there with him as much as he wanted to be with her. While he didn’t always understand why she’d made that choice to be with him, he was more than happy to accept it. 

As she remarked on the soft groan he’d made when pulling away from her, Aaron had all kinds of thoughts about pulling her back into bed. But she was right and they needed to eat. Reluctantly he let her go but he didn’t make any hurried moves to get out of bed. Instead, he propped himself up and watched her as she got dressed. He had gotten to enjoy her, more than once, up close but he was also enjoying this aspect of their morning too. His gaze trailed over her as he studied her from afar as she chose something to wear. 

“You’re really not making this any easier,” he remarked as he looked her over as she got dressed. He had decided quickly that he enjoyed all the various clothed and unclothed versions of her. It was exceptionally tantalizing to see her wearing his shirt. “You don’t have to ask,” he corrected her quickly. “You are welcome to borrow that any time, in fact, it’s yours now. I’ll get a new one,” he shot her a playful grin. 

Aaron pushed himself out of bed and regarded his discarded clothing on the floor. His pajama pants were discarded for a second time that morning and the memory made him smile briefly as he pulled them on. It felt like a marked difference from the night before when he’d emerged from the shower shirtless. Both of them had been stuck in a cycle of uncertainty and hesitation with one another. As he made his way over to her now, it felt like another lifetime. 

He lightly tugged at the tail of his flannel shirt and pulled her in close to him. “I really like this on you,” he commented softly as he pressed another kiss to her lips. Aaron drew in a soft breath and shook his head. If he wasn’t careful, his pajamas would be finding the floor for the third time that morning. 

“No. No, Aaron. We’re going to the kitchen,” he shook his head as he audibly scolded himself and shot her a boyish grin. He gently spun her around, tugging her close to him before he playfully nudged her towards the door.  

“What can I help you with?” He said in a failing attempt to refocus his attention elsewhere. “I might need something to do. I don’t think it’s very helpful to just stare at the chef and constantly distract her.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were so many times I wanted to say something before I had to leave

They’d talked about it a little, danced around the subject of those all too brief visits before on occasion. Yet to hear those words touched something deep inside. There was a softness in her eyes when she looked at him. “Me too, but I never knew what to say without feeling like I would make it more complicated either.” She responded in a similarly quiet tone to match his. “I never wanted to make it harder for you and I really didn’t know what it was between us, just that it was harder to say goodbye each time. I was grateful for what it was, even if I couldn’t define it.”

“I think we both understood that we shouldn’t be taking those risks, yet didn’t want to stop finding those moments to see each other again.” She admitted softly. It was easier to say it out loud now. In hindsight it was clear what had been happening, the uncertainty surrounding their lives had made them hesitate. “If I haven’t said it before, and even if I have it bears repeating.” She started, her smile a little shy. “It was the best feeling every time you managed to find a way to come back again.”

She shot him a grin when he told her she wasn’t making it easier on him to get out of bed. “He says from the bed.” She teased playfully. “I never said I was trying to make it easier.” Corinne added with a laugh. “I would have put my pajamas back on if that was my intention.” She was enjoying their banter quite a lot, his reactions were worth every bit of it. Especially the look he’d given her. “I’m am happy to know you approve and happy for the blanket permission for the loan on your shirt or shirts.”

She watched him cross the room to her, pleased he’d only chosen the pajama bottoms. Corinne smiled when he pulled her close by the flannel material, then happily returned the kiss. “This is nice.” She mumbled against his lips before pulling back. Though they’d teased about not getting out of bed, the luxury of time made it easier. “Yes, we’re going to eat something before we end up back in that warm bed.” She agreed playfully. “Even as tempting as you’re making it.” She added as they made their way out of the room. “This is much better than leaving you there. Though I suspect it might take a little longer to complete the cooking of said breakfast.” She quipped with a grin as they went out to the kitchen.

Corinne laughed as he described the likely alternative to her not providing him with a task to help in the preparation of breakfast. “As much as I enjoy your attention, you’re probably right about needing a job to focus on.”

“We are very alike. You certainly have a type,” he teased her again. There was plenty that separated the two of them particularly in their physicality but it was hard to deny a distinct similarity in many ways. It had become apparent quite quickly that both he and Joe shared many similar traits and habits. There was an unspoken comradery that came with that professional understanding of one another. They might not be considered friends in the traditional sense but over time it had developed into something more. He trusted Joe with Corinne and her safety. That alone spoke volumes. “I do like and respect Joe,” Aaron confirmed softly, “a lot.” A more playful smile spread across his lips, “I even like and respect Annie even though we are not at all alike,” he teased. 

Her assistants had been an unexpected bonus of stumbling across Corinne’s life and the cafe. Aaron had never worked as a team before. It was a strange and lonely life. The pizza nights, the banter, the comfort in knowing there was someone else to rely upon if things got rough had healed something in Aaron that he hadn’t known needed it. It gave him a deep level of comfort knowing that Corinne was protected three times over. It made it less likely that something would be missed. And in situations, like when she was sick, it meant they could spread the resources around more effectively to care for her. 

The smile lingered on his lips as she described how much she enjoyed their physical connection. It sent a wave of warmth washing over him. He loved the way she gave voice to the way she felt about him. For someone who chronically was in his own head and often overthinking things, the clearly spoken assurances did a lot to silence those stray threads of anxiety. “I’ve felt that pull for a long time,” he admitted softly. Aaron thought back to those early days when he was with Sarah. He had always been drawn towards her even if he wasn’t entirely sure why or what it meant at the time. Now it was clearer than ever. “I consider myself pretty careful about almost everything I do and say. And yet, somehow I always find myself closer and closer to you,” he smiled warmly at her, “always drawn to you without even realizing it’s happening.” 

The soft way she spoke his name had him focused on her. He nodded ever so slightly as she admitted the reality of that time for her. “You lost everything,” he acknowledged quietly, “of course it wouldn’t have been light or easy.” Aaron had been caught up in a frantic scramble to solve the issue of his degrading condition. He’d had to fight for his life multiple times. It was a different kind of turmoil than the one he imagined she had endured. In the end he had won his freedom. She had been forced to start a new life. He shook his head slightly, “I don’t need an out,” he assured her. “The only reason I ever hesitated in sharing anything with you was because I felt like I had to. All that is done now. There’s nothing you can’t know about me.” 

The flirtatious way she responded to his own suggestive comment sent an arc of exciting sparks through him. The eager confirmation that she would take him up on his offer momentarily had him thinking of abandoning dinner. Though she'd gone to so much effort he didn’t want it to go to waste. There was time. It was a concept he was still trying to adjust to when it came to her. “You adore that do you?” The boyish grin tugged widely across his lips. He was all too pleased to see the warmth coloring her cheeks. It was endearing to know that he could get to her in that way, or in that instance, she talked herself into it. “I’m sure you’ll give me plenty more opportunities that I’ll be sure to take you up on.” 

Aaron smiled as she turned the conversation back to the food. His heart warmed immediately as she referenced the chocolate chip cookies and their first real meeting. “You really did go all out,” he looked at her thoughtfully as he considered her worrying about his reaction to her history with Joe. She’d thought about a menu that might offer up as an apology. “Even if you didn’t need to,” he added, hoping she’d understand. He gave a small shrug of his shoulders, “I have heard that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I don’t know if that’s true for me but it’s hard to argue with.” He smiled at her warmly, “I appreciate you doing all of this.”

He laughed at her reaction to his steak cooking preferences. “Oh good,” he said teasingly, “I wouldn’t want us to find a dealbreaker like that at this point.” He grinned. “I actually don’t even mind it being rare. I’ve had a lot of dishes in places where it’s rare, sometimes even raw and more cured than anything,” he explained as he thought about where that particular preference had developed over the years. 

Aaron shook his head a little and smiled as he made his way to the fridge. She really had thought of everything. He pulled out the bowl and the plate and returned to her. Much like every other time in their lives, he found himself drawn back close to her again. This time unfortunately his hands were full but the proximity was temporarily satisfying enough. He leaned in close to her, looking over her shoulder as she sliced up the roast. “This all looks great,” he said softly as he leaned in to kiss her cheek before stepping back to set down the plate and bowl he’d collected.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She gave Aaron a slightly sheepish smile when he commented that he and Joe were a lot like and that she had a type. “Seems I do.” Corinne agreed softly, as a faint hue of pink suffused her cheeks. It was tempting to point out again that it had been different with Joe. Then Aaron was saying how much he liked and respected him and all she could do was smile. “I’m happy to hear that.” She replied. “I know he feels the same about you and I think it’s good for both of you, especially with the common job experience.” Besides Aaron, Joe was the one person who’d been there for her at a time when she needed that kind of solid, quiet support. Then he was making the quip about Annie and she laughed. “That is so accurate.” She agreed, remnants of her laugh still lingering. “I’m not sure she’s ready to admit much out loud, but I believe she’s rather fond of you now.”

I’ve felt that pull for a long time

Even though they’d talked about it before, she couldn’t help but feel the familiar warmth wash over her when she heard him say it. “I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing you tell me.” She admitted quietly. “I don’t know if it because of our past connection, but it was always so easy with you. We had so much to talk about in the beginning even with the limitations on subject matter. I’m not sure when it changed, but it did. Maybe so gradually I didn’t realize. I’m very happy to know it wasn’t just me.”

There was something about the way he looked at her when her cheeks had colored that went straight to the pit of her stomach causing all those butterflies to take flight. “You know I think there’s something you should know.” She said with a playful smile trying to diffuse the heat lingering on her skin. “You’re the only one who has this has this effect on me.”

“I guess I wanted to show you what this means to me. What we have together is so different from any other relationship and it means the world to me. There were so many times over the course of that first night where I had to stop myself from talking about a next time. Like offering to make you cookies.” She confessed, gesturing at the racks where they cooled, the scent of warm dough and chocolate in the air.

“Circumstances dictated the limits of our relationship. Yet somehow, despite knowing that, I started to fall for you even then.” She admitted softly. “I didn’t realize, or probably more to the point, didn’t acknowledge it. And maybe because there were those limitations, we got to know each other and I wasn’t actively pushing you away because we knew you had to leave.” Corinne let out a soft laugh as it clicked into place. “The leaving part was built into it, so instead we quietly built a trust. I don’t know if it makes sense but it somehow does to me.”

“I suppose because of that, it meant I didn’t need to keep those walls up, so I let my guard down.” She admitted, her voice still containing the quieter tones that came with her confessions.

“Joe was just there.” Corinne met his gaze. “At a time when I was at my lowest point. You know how he is, he’s quiet and solid. His words are composed and to the point. Much like you. He didn’t push or even really do more than just quietly show up and do his job.” She paused a moment, swallowed. “He showed me there was a way through the grief. I hadn’t ever really known the other side of that equation. I think maybe we reminded each other of those losses, so it was never going to be anything more than what it was.”

“I wanted to, though.” She told him softly. “Not just because I felt like I had to make up for anything. I really do enjoy all of this.” She admitted. “Maybe part of it stems from not being able to be a nurse anymore. So it’s a form of caretaking that somewhat satisfies that urge.” Corinne let out a small laugh. “With us though, you do so much for me so it feels like we have this shifting balance between us that works. And I happen to love that.”

spun gossamer

the easiest thing to do is stay quiet when something’s up. you’re not bothered, and you know what? you shouldn’t be! it’s none of your business, even when it’s entirely your business. it’s difficult (read: impossible) to tell if your cheery demeanor is a cover-up for something sadder, or if it’s simply your natural state of mind. you see a lot of things: people coming through town, people leaving the house and never coming back, lies and deceit of the highest degree. what happened to you? will you ever be that kid again? your presence smells like cotton candy, and your fingertips sparkle like stars. whatever white rabbit you’re chasing isn’t going to lead you to wonderland if you don’t start reaching out when you’re not feeling okay.

Tagged by: @lokitheliesmith ~ thank you for the tag, lovely 💜

Aaron was worried about everything he’d divulged. It had the potential to hurt her and he knew that. Still, he felt it was important for her to understand where all the worry and hurt had stemmed from. He was fixated on everything in her reaction. The thing that worried him the most was that she was hardly reacting at all. It was the way she breathed in every so slightly that twisted the worry in his gut. She was controlling herself. Her face, her body, everything. Controlling her reaction. Concealing. 

He didn’t need to be enhanced to accurately conclude what she was concealing. His words had hurt her. It was all wrapped up in the moment of silence between them after he’d finished speaking. She was controlling herself, her reactions, her words. She was trying not to hurt him with whatever was going on in her mind and heart. It made his heart ache painfully in his chest. He wondered if he shouldn’t have said anything at all. Aaron had made great strides in trying to open himself up. All the thoughts and feelings and parts of his past that he’d been conditioned to conceal were unravelling the more time he spent with Corinne. But perhaps he’d stepped too far. Aaron wanted to take the words back but none of his enhancements allowed him to reel them back in. He was forced to leave them out there and wait for her reply. 

Aaron saw the tear slip from her lash line and regret welled up in his chest. He’d hurt her with his admissions. Unburdening himself of his worries no longer seemed worth it. He could have kept that part of his life to himself and they could’ve gone on with their night unscathed by the ghosts of his past. Aaron released one of her hands intending to brush away the tear. For a fraction of a moment, he hesitated with his hand suspended in motion. He wondered if she would not welcome the sudden new touch after what he’d said. He swallowed hard and pushed away the fear and reached for her. 

Gently he cupped her cheek, his thumb brushing away the fallen tear. “These worries have nothing to do with how you feel about me or how I feel about you,” he tried to reassure softly. “It’s fear. It doesn’t really make sense with what I know is true.” Aaron knew how easily his mind could get away from him if he allowed the dark cloud of anxiety to creep into his thoughts and take hold. It was the problem in being able to be so convincing. Sometimes he could convince even himself of entirely the wrong thing. How blind he’d been to her feelings all along was evidence enough. “If you don’t want to let me go, I promise I’m not going anywhere.” Aaron had already made that mistake once. It had protected her but also hurt her deeply too. He knew now that whatever they did, it would be together. 

His hand came away from her cheek and he gently returned to squeeze her hand, “I knew the day was always going to come,” he explained softly as she seemed shocked by his admission. “Even though I didn’t know how I would make it work I always had plans for a way out,” he admitted. “I didn’t know if it was going to be because of something I’d done or something they did. I always knew I was expendable to them. Expensive. But expendable,” he added bitterly. 

I would have gone with you in a heartbeat. It made his chest ache even more knowing she would’ve come if he’d only gotten to her in time. “I worried if they came for me because of seeing you that they would come for you too,” he trailed off as he thought about what they’d done. “I had your passport, wallet, money, car, everything,” he explained, “but by the time I got away it was already in the morning papers. I didn’t think there was any way…” his words fell away as he thought about her having to survive with someone else guiding her. Aaron had gotten snippets in their early conversations but they’d never delved. Not until he’d decided to finally open his mouth. Now he felt he should’ve kept the past in the past. 

Her soft reminder of loving him had his chest suddenly tight with emotion. “I will always take that reminder,” his voice thick with the swell of emotion, “as long as there isn’t a ‘but’ at the end of it.” Aaron tried to joke but it fell flat with all the heavy sentiments still lingering in the air. He’d heard that terrible phrase before, ‘I love you but…’ he was sure he couldn’t bear to hear it from Corinne. 

“I love you too,” he held her gaze. Aaron squeezed her hand gently, “I’m so sorry Cory,” he name caught in his throat before he continued, “I didn’t mean to hurt you with all of this. I just wanted you to understand where it all came from in my head.” He sucked in a ragged breath and let it out slowly, “I didn’t mean for it to come out like this.” Aaron frowned as he looked at her, shaking his head a little. The guilt weighed heavy in his chest, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you," he swallowed hard dropping his gaze away for a moment before slowly returning to hers, "I'm sorry that it wasn't me. That it wasn't us all along."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was all there in that split second when it felt like he paused just before he reached out to touch her, to offer a moment of solace. It had always felt so natural, those small touches that always brought connection and comfort. The realization dawned that her attempt to shield him from pain had done just the opposite. Just as his actions had hit her when he’d disappeared. His heart had been in the right place but the consequences of his actions had hurt her because she’d not known the reasons behind it. The silence had done the damage. Just as Corinne had done, she hadn’t shielded him at all. He filled that silence with worry instead. She knew without him having to explain because she understood him as well as the back of her own hand.

Later when she looked back, Corinne would realize what had happened. Maybe not the exact point where she should have caught it. Wether she would forgive herself for being so wrapped up in her own feelings that she hadn’t seen it sooner wasn’t clear yet.

She should have understood how attuned to each other they were. He hadn’t missed that she wasn’t saying something. Of course he caught even the tiniest of tells. She couldn’t hide anything from him. When he’d been Kenny, yes she could keep her thoughts and expressions from showing, but not from Aaron. In the same way she could pick up a moment’s hesitation or a slight shift in his voice, he could read her just as well.

She may have thought she was protecting him but if she’d learned nothing else recently it should have been he was so similar to her that she’d more likely made it worse than better by trying to hide her reaction. Her heart ached from the realization. In trying not to hurt him, she caused him more pain.

When he reached out to so tenderly to cup her face and wipe that tear way, she closed her eyes for a moment and leaned subtly into that touch. It was the kind of soothing gesture she so desperately needed in the moment. She owed him that same care and she’d lost sight of that in the moment.

These worries have nothing to do with how you feel about me or how I feel about you

His words washed over her in the same healing way his touch had. Corinne gave him a soft smile. It took her breath away in an entirely different way, this time reminding her of how they felt about each other. She nodded. “Thank you.” The words whispered with a mix of gratitude and relief.

“Aaron.” She said his name in that same reverent way she often did. “You have nothing to apologize for.” Corinne assured him quietly. “I should have known you wouldn’t miss my reaction to what you admitted any more than I miss just the slightest change in your breath, or features, or sound of your voice. My trying to protect your feelings just made it worse.”

“I’m so sorry, you deserve better than that from me. Especially when you’re trying to be so open with me.” The tears still shimmered in her eyes. “I got caught up in hearing something I wasn’t expecting and tried to hide my feelings.” Her confession made her heart ache even as she said the words. “I should know better.”

“We know each other so well and we’re both observant, especially with one another. I owe you the same openness you’ve been trying to give me.” She admitted softly, shifting her hand so she could squeeze his before releasing it to tenderly draw a line down his cheek. “You’ve done nothing wrong.” She assured him quietly.

“I owe you an explanation. It wasn’t something I was going to share, but I realize that’s not fair and not in the spirit of what I’ve asked of you.” She gave him an apologetic smile. “It might help put my reaction and my intentions trying to spare your feelings into a better context.”

“Everything that happened was beyond my control.” Corinne started softly, disjointed memories flashing of the day itself and the bleak days that followed. She let out a breath. “Plans were already in motion to allow the world, along with those in my world to believe I’d perished in that accident. I wasn’t ever given a choice.” She paused, blinking tears away. “So of course you would have thought you were too late.”

“I didn’t handle the whole situation very well in those first few days and weeks.” Her voice was subdued, barely more than a whisper. “I had nothing left that mattered to me. I spent some time wishing they hadn’t made the effort.” She let out a shaky breath, glancing down at his hand still holding one of hers as if it was too hard to meet his eyes when she admitted it. “So, when you said what did about her, the way you did. It hit me wrong. You couldn’t have known, I never talked about it with anyone. I wasn’t strong in those initial days, just angry at being saved and being forced to start over with nothing.”

“I had some people around me who helped in small ways.” Corinne assured, knowing a little of how Aaron’s mind worked, though she was well aware that she didn’t understand the extent of it. “As you can see I didn’t give up.” She added, trying though feeling she was woefully failing at softening any of what she revealed. “It took some time though and I think this just brought it all back in a way I wasn’t quite ready to face, at least not in this way and with you. I wanted you to be okay and be happy. All the things I thought we could never have.”

“I really do understand what you were trying to say. She’d lost everything just like I did. And I’m glad you were able to be there for her. It honestly just caught me off guard to hear it. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense to you and that’s okay, too.” She added softly. “It’s not easy to explain it. I really do want to know, you don’t have to hide anything. Just maybe give me some grace if I handle it less than gracefully.”

“There’s no ‘but’ after.” She assured. “Only ‘and’ as in, I love you and I’m incredibly grateful to have you back in my life.” Her eyes still shimmered with tears but for those moments she was happy. Appreciative they’d spoken those words out loud to one another already because it made the rest a little easier. Also incredibly thankful they’d been able to find their way back to each other each time.