get wrecked

But in 2013, god has it been that long?, I was in a really bad place. One of the things that kept me going for a while was “I can’t die without someone knowing who I really am” as I hadn’t come out to my friends yet about being nb. When I finally did it was both a huge release but also a huge weight being lifted off of me like “it’s time, I can go.”

I kept a suicide kit in my car and was ready to drive out to the place I’d picked -- but someone sent me a message on social media. Just a really small “hey, want to get beers?” kind of message. And I decided, then, not to that day. Maybe the next day.

There’s a lot that goes into this that I won’t go too much into, but the point is someone saved my life with a mundane gesture. Every interaction, I like to believe, has meaning in it.

I went to a Quaker college, I’m not religious nor am I Quaker and my college was fairly liberal but there was this idea that everything and everyone demands a kind of respect for its existence. That didn’t mean people couldn’t be wrong or actions couldn’t be bad or that sometimes you have to destroy things or remove them. But the idea of approaching life with care, thoughtfulness, silence when needed and letting existence breathe. It’s more beautiful sounding than it is easy.

2014 came and went.

2015 came and I decided -- because of the way people had talked about Robin Williams. The kind of ‘he lost the fight against suicide’ and the whole discussion around suicide always being So and So Fought So Hard and Lost and thinking -- there should be a better way. And I wanted to approach my life and the things that made it up -- good, bad, awful, better, tragic and despairing along with the idea of progress -- as something different. I didn’t want to say “oh yeah, that happened” and sweep it under the rug, because there’s no way to do that. I feel irrevocably changed, chipped and bruised (which is better than the broken I felt before) from my experiences. But I wanted to celebrate the idea I could do more than think about it as an endless fight. So I decided on the idea of a New Game+ Day, which is a day where i think about the victories and how things can be hard but I can also level up. About how you don’t have to do things alone, about how different equipment and party members can help you conquer bosses and sometimes things feel like The End, but there’s always trying again. It’s really metaphorical and if you think too much about ‘well, what about how ‘death’ happens in video games’ then you have to shift your thought process.

The point is, I want to talk about how we are working forward. How we are fighting and not just how we have fought and lost. Living is a triumph that some people will never truly feel and I am happy they won’t need to, but some of us need to find and hold onto that feeling too.

It’s 10:27 am and the sun is shining through the cafe window and I don’t know if I’m looking forward to 2019 but that’s okay. I’m late, but I’m still going to hold it up, level up, level up, another chance at being better. 

Soulmates - https://archiveofourown.org/works/16582616

(Desire, longing, a single small pale hand and the memory of two words: come back.)

Chuuya's been in love with Dazai before he even knew what love was. If only either of them knew it.

Reincarnation - https://archiveofourown.org/works/16224233

Some people had love at first sight, he had all-consuming-urge-to-punch-in-the-face at first sight, basically the same thing.

The world ends, and Dazai gets to try again.

High Fantasy - https://archiveofourown.org/works/16926234

The whole prophecy thing, Chuuya was fairly certain, was utter bullshit. A chosen child, marked by the night was supposed to be led by a mage cloaked in white to push back the eternal and never ending sun. Realign the world to have proper night and day.

Chuuya gives up on waiting for prophecies to be fulfilled and an old friend throws a wrench into it all.

Spy Thriller - https://archiveofourown.org/works/16757851

Dazai had saved Chuuya’s life, when they first met. They had both been fifteen and somehow Dazai had already been ingrained in the mafia, was already Mori’s right hand, was a terrifying teenager with insight.

But to Chuuya, Dazai had been a lifeline.

Role Reserval - https://archiveofourown.org/works/17475563

the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass. synonym: attraction

Dazai had saved Chuuya’s life, when they first met. They had both been fifteen and somehow Dazai had already been ingrained in the mafia, was already Mori’s right hand, was a terrifying teenager with insight.

But to Chuuya, Dazai had been a lifeline.

IN LOVE WITH THE WOMB

(Desire, longing, a single small pale hand and the memory of two words: come back.)