othering

Unemployed, unschooled, uninspired. I’m still living with my folks. I’m still dying on the inside. I had something close to a suicide attempt on December 7, 2017, and I had to go inpatient at Butler. All I do is wait for the breakdown. All I do is make projects I will never finish. All I do is lose friends. 

Mabel and Cody may already be gone... I’m not sure if they’ve skipped town yet. I got a chance to talk face to face with Cody a week or two ago and it helped a lot. They don’t hate me.

Becca just turned 20 and soon I will be 23, unemployed, something shy of a college drop out. Took medical leave this semester to rot in my room. I thought I’d go on tour but all of that seems like a pipe dream. I’m pathetic.

Thinking of breaking up with j soon. I’m tired of hurting, and hurting them. Mabel and Cody are probably moving to North Carolina soon. 

I feel dead inside.

Since last updated, unemployment has taken root. Doing another program half-heartedly again, Women’s at Butler (hopefully switching back to YA)

Some good things happened this summer, mostly going on tour with Taylor in the second week of July. Such a lovely, transforming and uplifting experience. Kissing Mabel has been so nice but I think she’s about to slip through my fingers out of New England. Godspeed.

Feel very meaningless. Music feels unfulfilling, projects seem futile, feel like a failure, dreading school, want to die, want to slip deeper into the dark and poison myself and poison others. Considering becoming a goth lol. Also wanting to be: a folk punk, a furry, a noise girl. Not fitting in anywhere, isolating, feeling missed and missing, letting myself become a shut-in...

Papa Charlie died, may he rest in peace. My good friend Jesse got shipped off to a torturous therapy camp in Utah, where they’re staying with all boys, all straight, and probably will be sexually assaulted. Laurie (therapist) and I are working to unpack my trauama... 

I wish I had a different life. I wish I wasn’t living in constant fear of myself. I wish I could be part of a community again. I wish my relationships were built around positivity and freedom, not self-destruction and licking each other’s wounds.

Good news, bad news. 

Good news is or the first time in my life I have a supportive, caring, queer, lovely partner. j is their name. I kissed them the day after my seder, they stayed over and we walked to swan point cemetery and talked in the gazebo and went to the woods where the blue flowers were blooming. I got real close and they asked if I knew they had a crush on me and I said I had a crush on them and kissed them deep and we both beamed like moons and it was ok. Then they came back to my house and we went downstairs and they played me songs and I played them the piano. we went on our first date on Friday April 14. we said I love you.

Good news is music is taking off, I feel more confident than ever, publishing work, booked and failed and cancelled tours, in process of starting over with Taylor Rosenholm. Good news is Flora’s okay. Bad news is Flora is back in Pennsylvania precarious, Lymes and everything! Good news is I have a lot of friends...

A lot has happened since last. 

Went to Butler for my second day program, it was a young adult program, 2 weeks, very nice, slightly helpful. I’m only cutting every 6 days these days. Humiliating but important that I went; shows that I thought in some small way, I deserved the space to heal... Talked about that with my psychiatrist yesterday. Told her I don’t deserve to take my medicine, I don’t deserve to get better...

I still think I deserve to die.

Mabel, Cody and I drove down to Stroudsburg to bring Flora here. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do, though I was so brave at the time. We left straight away from a play I did with Xava for Purim, it was a warm send-off. We got there and stayed at Jesse Morales’ stoner-house, arriving and burning parts of my bangs off at 5:30 a.m.

The next morning, we went to a pancake-house and retrieved Flora and I thought she was going to run into the highway at every stop. Full moon, as full as it could be, and that makes her worse. We chose Connecticut-names on the way there and back. On the way there, Mabel, Cody, and I were Jonas, Rocket & Haman, respectively. On the way back, mabel, cody, flora & i were baffin, church, fauna & mia, respectively.

I’m going to hurt her again. Tomorrow. I’m so excited. We talked to her partner, and they’re ok with it, and we’re going to fuck.

i’ve been keeping a calendar of the last two months, like mabel has done. it tells in checks and exes the days i am suicidal and the days i have fun. since january 11, i’ve had 5 good days, 9 ok days, 6 meh days, 7 bad days, and 4 suicidal days. i’m proud of those statistics.

i think it’s important to have some visual representation of how i’ve been feeling, especially now as i will be reflecting on a long period of time. the last time i wrote was november 27. all of december--winter break--all of january--mental break--all of february this far.

so, since thanksgiving? i have completely relapsed with self harm. november felt like a month i might truly stop that. winter break happened and because of some creative scheduling, it kind of feels like i’m still on break, lots of long stretches of time to do nothing in. 

december was better to me. been on hormones for 14 months in two days. on january 1, to ring in the new year, i went to zaidee’s party and had a panic attack, knew no one there, had my mom pick me up and take me home at 10:30 pm. started bawling my eyes out in the bed, told mom i was going for a walk, clock struck midnight at a walgreens and there i was buying x-acto knives. cut myself up real bad that night and i’ve struggled with harm ever since.

laurie thornton, my therapist, grew on me. i see her twice a week now. she wants me to go to a day program at butler. i started an antidepressant, for the first time, lexapro, almost been a month, i started laser hair removal, had the second session today, feels like a sunburn. 

the strange thing to me looking back on the last entry i posted is a whole chapter of my life seems to have gone and passed... the most important relationship i had over the past months is almost unseen in the entry before, about “joe” and knuc tats. its curious that on the 27th i didn’t use the name i knew her by on the 22nd. 

she reached out to me because i had posted about hardship. [post deleted[. she asked me if i could benefit from a minecraft account. i couldn’t. in this same conversation she told me the basics, that she was isolated and ideating. she told me about 2014. i told her i cared, and she told me she thought of me as a friend and thought of herself as a monster, and then i felt like such an idiot because i made her immediately process that not only did she want to date mabel and cody but that i want to date mabel and cody. this in one conversation

the next time she reached out for real dec 3 it was the beginning of her regretting. i was on the floor in mabel’s house when i got it

since then we’ve been turbulent, she’s wanted to cut me out before and beat herself over not being able to help and i’ve vice versa. we talked every day most days and we heard each other. i told her i loved her and she asked me not to love what she had become. 

i told clara that knowing her was the most borderline thing i’ve ever done. 

i was literally the only person she could and did talk to on a regular basis. she was forbidden from keeping in contact with people from rhode island. i hurtmyself when i felt i had failed her. she blocked me on facebook and on my phone yesterday. i had to tell cody that in the unlikely and horrifying event that she successfully kills herself, i will try to commit suicide and i need to be kept safe. 

i will try to commit suicide if she kills herself. it will have been my fault. i think about her death all the time. i dream about it, i never told her that. 

i can’t write any more