Hormones are something everybody deals with. Alexia knows that. Obviously.

Being a female footballer was one of those careers that meant you had to know more about them than the average person to maximise performance and recovery, considering the menstrual cycle was an incredibly complicated thing with more effects than men could even comprehend.

There was just one thing about it all that Alexia was feeling particularly maddened by: how brutal her hormones had become when she started her hormone injections for the egg retrieval process of IVF. 

She had never known anything like it.

The first time around, she hadn’t noticed much difference about herself, other than some bloating and maybe the odd mood swing here and there.

But it was nothing like that the second time round. The injections were a different type than the ones she took the first time. These ones for her second time? They were evil. An evil piece of work. By an equally evil doctor. Scientist. Whoever made medicine like that. Alexia did not care.

She wished both sides of their pillow to be warm for all eternity, because they had ruined her.

You didn’t quite understand the gravity of the situation until one night a few days into her twice daily injections. 

Anaís had been put to bed long ago with little fight, which was groundbreaking now that she was in her terrible-twos stage of being a toddler. She had hugged Alexia so tightly during bedtime that you could’ve sworn you saw Alexia tear up. You weren’t certain, but for a few seconds there was an unusual gloss to her eyes caught in the light from Anaís’ lamp, before she blinked suspiciously quick and it was gone as soon as it came. There was a gulp not long after too that echoed in the quiet room after Anaís pressed a wet kiss to Alexia’s cheek.

Now, though, the house was completely silent. Aside from the barely-there whir of the AC and other midnight sighs, you had a rare period of bliss to read your book before going to sleep yourself.

Soft lamplight, your duvet warm, a book open in your hands and Alexia next to you. The gentle snores of your daughter coming down the screen’s speaker on your bedside table. Complete and utter peace.

You weren’t sure if Alexia was asleep or not as she lay on her side, back facing you, one arm tucked beneath her pillow. She’d clambered straight into bed after lingering in Anaís’ doorway for longer than necessary before shutting it. You thought best not to disturb her when you came back from the bathroom and found her like that, knowing that the injections were making her a little tired and groggy. You assumed she was exhausted after a full long day of preseason paired with the jabs, so let her be. 

Which was why when you heard the first quiet sniffle beside you, you didn’t think anything of it. 

Allergies. Always her allergies.

But then there was a second sniffle. A third. 

You halted your reading and glanced over at her.

A fourth. 

You dropped the book to the duvet after folding the corner of the page over.

A fifth, louder sniffle. Followed by a shaky inhale and a faint but noticeable tremble of her shoulders.

She was crying. And Alexia hardly ever just lay there in bed, resigning herself to her emotions without coming to you first.

“Ale?” You cast your book aside and sat up, dropping a hand to her shoulder. “Alexia?”

Her body tensed, you felt it under your palm, and she shook her head. 

“It’s nothing.” She mumbled, voice small and abnormally frail. It definitely was not nothing.

You shuffled closer, deftly curling your body around hers from behind. One arm went over her waist, the other forcing its way under her neck so you could nuzzle into her shoulder. She exhaled shakily just from the contact.

“Talk to me,” You murmured, leaving a kiss between her shoulder blades afterwards. She swallowed hard afterward; you felt it move through her whole body.

“I’m fine.” The brunette insisted again, except her voice cracked on the second word, which ruined any hope she had of sounding convincing.

You pressed another soft kiss just under her ear. “Ale.”

A few seconds passed, during which her breathing trembled again. Then she took a deep breath in, as if she was psyching herself up to speak her mind.

“Just… thinking about–” She hiccuped. “-how we’re going to have another… little tiny baby like Anaís was.”

Her voice broke again as she spoke, and that was it. The dam burst. Cries were escaping her before she even had the chance to choke them down. 

You bit your cheek to stop yourself from smiling too obviously, and you really did try, but your chest warmed, and a tiny breath of amusement slipped out. Alexia stiffened immediately.

“You’re laughing at me.” She accused whilst sobbing, muffled and heartbroken and devastatingly dramatic as she turned to hide her face in her pillow.

“No, no, no,” You assured her quickly, though your voice betrayed you with a hint of laughter in it. 

You moved her gently onto her back so you could see her face– red eyes, a quivering lower lip, her brunette hair fanned out on the pillow, a tear sliding out her eye and down to her ear. She looked so genuinely distraught that your amusement softened into pure tenderness. 

“Mi amor…” You said, since speaking one of her languages always struck her in the heart. One hand landed on her cheek, thumb stroking the damp skin under her eye. “You’re crying because you’re imagining holding our second baby.” 

Just the mere sentiment of putting that thought into words had her welling up again.

“It’s emotional.” She nodded, sniffling hard and trying to look at least a little offended at how you found the whole thing funny. She failed miserably in that department.

“I know.” You whispered with a small smile, because really, the thought made your heart swell too. You leaned down to kiss her forehead. “It is emotional. I feel the same way, just… less tears. And hormones.”

Alexia might have rolled her eyes then, but she also reached out for you in the same breath. Her fingers curled into your shirt in the same way her daughter’s did, and she tugged you down until your noses brushed, needing you close. Even if you had laughed at her. 

Her breaths were still shaky, but she was calming down, grounding herself in you like she always did.

“I just… want it so much.” She whispered, letting out a quiet sound akin to a whimper afterwards. “I didn’t know how much I wanted it until now.”

You smiled, then kissed her slow, kissed her sweet. Rested your forehead against hers once it was over and felt your stomach flip when she smiled up at you in response.

“We’re going to get there. We will.” You told her. “I’ll be damned if I don’t give you another baby.”

Her lip trembled again.

You leaned back and placed a hand on her chest, right over her thundering heartbeat.

“Ale, not again.”

Her sobs resumed almost immediately. 

But you held her through it, of course, and stroked one hand over her back whilst the other slowly ran through her hair as she cried about your future baby, about Anaís growing up and being an older sister, how unfair hormones were, and how much she loved her little family. 

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t tear up along with her at certain points. But the thought of Anaís holding her baby sibling as she sat on Alexia’s lap, the brunette quietly whispering to Anaís and guiding her arms to make sure the baby was comfortable, well… you were certain that’d make even the coldest person falter for a second.

Eventually, though, she tired herself out. She fell asleep tucked against your chest, breath warm and tears drying against your collarbone, her eyelashes still damp. Two realisations crossed your mind as you held her there.

One. This was the mother of your child, soon to be children, and you couldn’t imagine a better person for that role. 

Two… if this was her after only a few days on her hormone injections? You were absolutely in for it.

—

The next morning, Alexia woke up with the material of your shirt imprinted on one side of her face and puffy eyes like you’d never seen before. You didn’t say anything at first, waiting to see if she was going to acknowledge the events of the previous night, but she didn’t. So neither did you– not when she blinked up at you shyly from her place on your chest, not when she cleared her hoarse throat, or when she looked down at your shirt face filled with shame at the marks left by her tears.

You just kissed the top of her head and asked how she slept.

“Good.” She said rather quickly. “Normal. Fine.”

Sure. (She’d slept hard, if the state of her was anything to go by.)

It was a day off that day, and after a slow Summer morning spent lounging outside as Anaís chased Alexia around the garden for so long even the footballer was getting tired, you came up with the bright idea to take Anaís to the park to burn off all that toddler energy before you all went to dinner that night at Eli’s.

The three of you walked hand in hand the whole walk there, a combination of Anaís’ orders and Alexia’s defiance to not be more than a meter away from her daughter at all times. It was a picture perfect day, your idea of heaven. Anaís demanded the two of you swing her back and forth as you walked, and the smile that grew on Alexia’s face with each giggle your daughter let out sent goosebumps along your skin. Because this? This was the life you always hoped you’d have. And if anything, it had found you. Alexia had found you. She’d given you a present and a future that most could only ever wish for. 

That sentiment stuck with you as the two of you followed Anaís whilst she made her way around the park one activity at a time, rushing through each and every one just so she could get to her favourite, the slide.

She went down it six times before Alexia’s whole world ended. 

Anaís tripped. Over her own feet as she ran like a headless chicken from the slide to the steps, where Alexia was waiting to help her up them again. 

It wasn’t a dramatic fall, not even a painful one. Just one of those little toddler tumbles, but she didn’t quite manage to deploy her tiny hands before her head grazed the squishy rubber mulch that covered the ground. 

She sat up immediately, then blinked, a bit surprised by what had happened. You walked toward her normally, just to check she was okay after bumping her head.

Alexia, however, froze on the spot like she had just witnessed one of history’s most devastating events. Her hand flew to her mouth and she stared at Anaís with a heartbreaking gaze. There were no tears then.

Yet.

But when Anaís let out one single, delayed, quiet little cry– Alexia was wrecked. She didn’t just tear up, no. She started crying, real tears. They spilled instantly like a tap had been turned on.

Anaís whimpered once more as tears of her own fell at a much slower pace, more from the shock of it all than anything else. It was enough for you to crouch down and scoop her up, checking her head where there was the tiniest little scrape by her temple. Nothing more. With a bit of trusty sudocrem, it’d hardly even be there the next morning. 

“You’re okay, mi niña.” You soothed, hugging her close to you and kissing her cheek. “Just a tiny fall and a bump, that’s all.”

Anaís sniffled, nodding bravely. Which should’ve been the end of it, if Alexia wasn’t stood ten feet away from you borderline sobbing like someone had told her she couldn’t wear the number eleven anymore.

You raised your eyebrows in surprise at the scene before you. She stood like a helpless toddler, which was ironic considering the situation, and tears streamed straight down her cheeks without pause. She didn’t even attempt to wipe them away. They just fell straight to the mulch ground.

“Mami?” Anaís said, her little brain confused at what was happening. Considering her age, she had a very limited understanding of emotions, but even this was going against what she thought she knew.

Alexia simply let out an even louder cry at the sight of her daughter’s red cheeks, drying tears, and the graze on her forehead. You had to bite your tongue to stop yourself laughing.

“Alexia.” You said carefully, like you were trying to approach a wild, unpredictable animal. Which she basically was at this point. 

Except, the closer you got, the harder she cried. Right there in the park. With a few parents and children watching on in alarm. 

“Mami is okay, Anaís.” You told your daughter, shifting the toddler on your hip as you walked over to her. “She’s just… having some big feelings.”

Alexia was clearly outraged at that.

“She fell!” She exclaimed, gesturing to the scuffs to Anaís’ leggings and the scrape on her head. “She fell and you-”

“She’s fine, Alexia. I promise.” You interrupted her, inching closer so Anaís could reach out and pat Alexia’s cheek in an attempt to wipe away some of the tears there. Her chin trembled at the gesture. “Alexia, don’t you dare.”

“No, I’m fine.” She feigned a smile, sniffling as she did so, one lone tear falling again. “I’m fine, see? Just like Anaís.”

Anaís giggled at the mention of her name, which did not help. The brunette midfielder threw her head back and slapped her hands over her face as she half-groaned and half-sobbed, before taking a minute to compose herself. You and Anaís stood there, staring at the ridiculous woman in front of you both, waiting for her to regain control of her tear ducts. 

“I think it’s time to go home.” You stated, which snapped Alexia out of her moment. She nodded hastily and reached out for Anaís, holding her daughter close to her and kissing her forehead at least fifteen times. 

“Let’s go home.” She agreed in a shuddery exhale, nodding miserably at her own words, eyes locked on Anaís’ face.

You didn’t hold back your laughter that time, but Alexia took no notice. She began to lead the way home, Anaís safe in her arms, and you trailed behind watching them both. From a few steps away you could hear them talk.

“Mami?” Anaís said, to which Alexia answered her with a hum and an awe-filled gaze. “I happy, you happy?”

Alexia’s sniffles were just background noise to you at this point.

“Sí, chiqui, I am happy. Always happy when I’m with you, Anaís.” Alexia replied in an honest voice, leaving no room for Anaís to ever think otherwise. It resulted in a cheer from the young girl, both arms raised above her head as she grinned at her Mami. 

“Anaís happy with Mami too.” The two year old uttered before planting her small hands on Alexia’s cheeks and kissing her nose. 

Alexia always kissed Anaís’ nose. So when Anaís did it to her? 

She cried the entire walk home. 

—

One week into the hormone injections, and word had quickly begun to spread. 

You knew it was your fault it had. But Alexia didn’t need to know that.

It’d started with a phone call with Irene’s wife, who was heavily pregnant with their second baby. Since being with Alexia, Irene and her wife Lucia had become good friends of yours, so a call with her was hardly out of the blue. During said phone call, you shared with her that you and Alexia were starting the IVF process for your second too. Alexia had plans to tell Irene the same day, since your two co-parents were both at training when you called. 

Then, one thing led to another, and… you ended up telling Lucia all about Alexia’s hormone rollercoaster. The older woman thought it was the funniest thing in the world, and you feared you were going to send her into early labour with how much she laughed. 

But, thankfully, she didn’t. The call ended, Alexia returned from training, and she sat beside you on the sofa with a proud smile on her face as she recounted Irene’s reaction to trying for your second baby.

The next day was unfortunately a different story.

Irene was no better than some of the youngsters when it came to certain antics. She was the reason why word spread around the locker room. And also the reason why Alexia came home in tears.

She wanted to see for herself the sheer intensity of the captain’s emotions, because in all the years Irene had known her, she had only seen her cry a handful of times. They were all in… unhappier moments, but the Basque woman knew this time around it wouldn’t be because of a brutal final loss or inhumane treatment by criminals in suits.

This time, it was because of a video of her son.

The defender went over to Alexia who was sat at her cubby, tying the laces of her shoes after training had finished for the day. Her phone was in her hand, screen paused on an already tear-jerking scene. 

“Hey, Ale, watch this.” Irene said, Alexia’s attention on the device immediately. 

Irene pressed play, and the video started. 

Mateo was lay diagonal on Irene and Lucia’s bed as Lucia lay there, shirt up to expose her bump, with Mateo’s hands gently cradling it. He could be heard talking to his sibling, telling them about his day, what he did at school, what he hopes they will be interested in. 

Tears were forming in Alexia’s eyes before the clip even ended. However, it was Irene’s add-on that killed her off.

“Imagine Anaís doing that when she finds out her Mamas are having another baby.” Irene said softly, already needing to stifle her laughter. “Talking to her sibling like that.”

Anaís had enquired about a sibling many times before, asking for a baby of her own, after knowing Mateo was getting one. Irene knew that. Irene also knew how that made Alexia feel.

And those feelings were very clearly on show in that moment as one tear managed to escape against Alexia’s will for everyone to see. Irene had to cover her mouth so she didn’t laugh. The rest of their teammates watched on in shock at the sight of Alexia so emotional on a random Thursday in pre-season. Though, that confusion very quickly led to amusement.

“That…” Alexia started in a very quiet, very shuddery breath. “That’s so cute, Irene.”

Vicky was obviously the first one to burst out laughing. Everyone else hastily followed suit. It all, of course, just made Alexia cry harder. 

And there the Barcelona captain sat, sobbing at the thought of her daughter with a younger sibling again, this time in the locker room of the club’s training facilities with all her teammates around her. 

It was not one of her best moments.

Irene shook beside her with silent laughter, not an ounce of remorse in sight, but some of the younger players stopped laughing out of fear of being scolded by Alexia. Not that she was in any fit state to do so, that was.

She was flooded with embarrassment at having broken down so severely in front of them all that she just wanted to get out. So she stood up, silencing the room without saying a word. She turned to pack her stuff into her bag as composed as she could, which wasn’t very, considering the choked cries she was still letting out. Then, she turned back around to face them.

With her bloodshot, already puffy eyes, she looked at each teammate through her tears and said, “I hate you all.”

The words lost the entirety of their intended impact due to the wobble in her voice. 

“See you tomorrow.” She sniffled as she beelined for the door. 

A few of them bid her goodbye on her way past, but fell silent as she walked down the corridor. They could hear her cries from the locker room. Echoing off the walls and getting quieter the further she walked away. And if they burst out into laughter the second they heard the main door shut down the hall, she would never know. Bless her.

Driving home after that shitshow was difficult, but she came out physically unscathed. Mentally, however, well… 

“Is that you, Ale?” You shouted from the lounge. It was just you at home, as Anaís had a playdate with Alba to give you and Alexia a break for the day.

Silence.

Other than her footsteps and the sound of her bag dropping to the floor, you were met with silence. 

You frowned in concern, and got up from the couch. She wasn’t in the hall by the door, nor in the bathroom. Your next destination was the kitchen, and it was there you found her. You lingered in the doorway for a few seconds, taking in the sight before you. Because really?

“Ale…” You trailed off, speechless. 

The midfielder was crying into a piece of kitchen paper. Shoulders fully shaking, chest heaving with sporadic breaths, tears seemingly infinite at this point. 

“What’s gotten you like this now?” You asked, coming across as exasperated, which you really didn’t mean to. Alexia took it straight to heart.

She turned on the spot, yanking the tissue away from her face and scrunching it in one fist before launching it in the vague direction of the bin. With tears still falling and her eyes shining red, she pointed at you accusingly.

“You! You got me like this!” She shouted, desperately trying to stave off her sobs to get one functioning sentence out. “You told Irene about me, and n-now the whole t-team… knows!”

Now you started to feel a little bad. Embarrassing her in front of her whole team was never part of the plan. Yet, here you stood. A crying, sobbing Alexia in front of you, understandably annoyed at what your actions had resulted in. 

“I never let th-this happen when you w-were pregnant. I know I am not pregnant and I am so grateful y-you are carrying our… our b-baby again, but this isn’t f-fair. I h-hate this.”

Whereas it was funny the few days prior, this moment felt particularly shameful for you. It was unfair now. That, you realised. And you felt indescribably bad for making an already shit situation she struggled with even worse for her. The sight and sound of her left with you a sharp guilt in your chest, because it was true; she would never have done this to you. 

You hadn’t thought it through at all. And now it was written all over her face.

“Ale, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think.” You said quietly. Not good enough.

“No.” She shook her head, jaw fiercely tight as she glared at you. “You didn’t think. You knew I was already like this, and you–” Another sob forced her to stop. She pressed her knuckles to her mouth as she tried to stave them off. “You made it worse.”

The guilt clawed away at you. This woman who had been nothing but perfect to you, and you’d wrecked her. For what? Your own amusement?

“Do you know what it was like?” She asked in a strangled whisper. “All of them staring at me as I cried like a fucking child? I cried in front of everyone. A-and they all… laughed. I’m s-so angry with you.”

Her voice cracked as the anger dissipated from her and the sobs came back in full force. You swallowed hard in a bid to fight off your own tears.

“I know. I know, Ale, and you should be.” You rushed out, your own voice cracking as you did. “What I did wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have told Lucia anything. I shouldn’t have let it spread. I’m so, so, so sorry, Ale.”

She looked away from you after that, as if facing you any longer would unravel her further. Her eyelashes trembled and the tear tracks gleamed atop her cheeks as she tried, tried so hard, to maintain the defences she’d put up the moment she threw that tissue at the bin.

“You didn’t take me seriously.” She murmured insecurely. She felt like a child, had been treated like a child. She’d been left alone in her feelings the moment she needed company and understanding most. “Not with this. Not with how I’ve been feeling. I c-can’t just… switch it off. I’m trying so hard and still, I cannot.”

You took a step closer, the need to comfort her instinctive, but she backed away from you immediately. It wasn’t a surprise but it didn’t hurt any less. Though, you knew, what you were feeling hardly held a candle to how she felt. Even without all the added hormones, it was still something to be as frustrated and upset about as she was then. 

“I thought it was just funny between friends, I didn’t consider how it would feel for you. That’s on me. All of it.”

Alexia dragged in a shuddery inhale and turned away, bracing her palms on the kitchen counter. Her eyes squeezed shut as more tears slipped out despite her trying to stop them, and you watched them fall. You watched the way she angrily wiped them away with the heel of her hand and longed to follow up with the delicateness of your thumb pad over the red marks she’d just left.

You couldn’t remember the last time she’d looked this small. If ever.

“You…” The brunette trailed off, all fight leaving her. She was exhausted. “You humiliated me.” 

That declaration, paired with the emotion in her voice and on display, broke your heart. Clean in two. And it was all your own doing.

“I’m sorry.” You said, again, after swallowing the lump in your throat and blinking away the burning in your eyes. 

You stepped closer once more, slower this time, trying not to scare her off. Which felt ridiculous, because this was Alexia you were talking about. But right now she was a wreck.

“I never want to be the reason you feel small, or stupid, or embarrassed. I’m sorry I made this all harder for you when it’s already been hard enough.”

Her jaw clenched again and she kept her eyes averted from you. Your chest squeezed painfully.

“You didn’t deserve this. Least of all from me.” 

Still nothing.

You exhaled through your nose, feeling the weight of your mistake settle deeper within you. 

“I hate knowing you cried alone in that locker room, in front of everyone, because of something I did. I–” You gulped again, determined not to cry when you were the one at fault. “I’m so sorry.”

The regret and shame in your voice made her blink. She cracked the tiniest bit and you saw.

You took one final step closer, close enough that you could reach out to touch her. Your hand landed on her forearm and she flinched, but she didn’t pull away. 

“Alexia,” You said so quietly it could hardly be classed as a whisper. “Look at me.”

It took a moment. A long one. But, eventually, she did.

Her eyes were still glossy, and bloodshot. Her eyelashes were coated in tiny droplets, remnants of her tears. The skin under her eyes was painfully red. She looked wrecked. Heartbroken. And still furious. 

You let out a breath at the sight of her. You were so disappointed in yourself.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you.” You choked out. “I never want to do that. Never ever.”

Her bottom lip wobbled. Just like Anaís’ did when she cried.

You lifted your arms and opened them out for her, a quiet offering. 

“Ale.” You said softly. “Please come here.”

You needed a hug as much as she did. But she shook her head once. Albeit half-hearted, the kind of refusal that had no real conviction behind it.

“Ale…” You repeated brokenly. “Mi amor. Please.”

It was over in a second. She walked straight into your hold.

You wrapped your arms around her the moment her forehead pressed against your shoulder, hugging her tight to you. Her entire body collapsed against yours, shaking with the cries she’d tried so hard to hide. 

“I’m sorry.” You whispered against her temple. “I really am so sorry.”

She clung to you, hands grasping tight at your jumper so you didn’t let go. Like you would ever leave her like this. Yet, you did get her into this state, so you couldn’t blame her.

“I just… I felt so stupid.” She sobbed, the words muffled against you. You nearly broke all over again.

“You weren’t stupid. You aren’t stupid.” You reassured her instantly. “Far from it, Ale. Please don’t think that.”

The girl shook harder in your arms. But, she didn’t pull away. Small wins. So you continued to comfort her. 

“I admire you so much.” You began, hearing the effect straight away with how her cries quieted just a little. “I’m amazed by you every day. But especially now, when your body and hormones are working against you, and you still give everything. And it’s all for our little family. I’m in awe of you, Alexia.”

She shifted and tucked her face fully into your neck like she wanted to disappear in you. Her breathing had eased, not quite steady but calmer and less frantic. One of your hands had moved to stroke up and down her back soothingly, while the other settled low around her waist to keep her close to you. Hers were wrapped tightly around your torso as she grounded herself in you once more. 

“You are not stupid. You are incredible. And you deserve to be treated so much better than I have recently. A soon-to-be Mami of two as incredible as you deserves the world.” You stated, full of determination to get her to believe you.

Fortunately, it appeared that she was. At least just a little.

“I care so much anyway, but these stupid injections make everything I feel so much more intense.” Alexia finally spoke, leaning back enough for you to look at her. 

You took that as your opportunity to cup her jaw and let your thumbs swipe away the drying tears left on her cheeks, replacing the roughness of her own hands with the love in yours.

“I know. I love how much you care. You know that.” You said, before doubt consumed you. “Don’t you?”

She nodded easily, even after the turmoil you’d put her through. “I do. You just… hurt me for a moment.”

“I know I did.” You squeezed your eyes closed in shame upon hearing it again. You opened them when you addressed her though, wanting her to see the truth in your eyes. “I’d never intentionally hurt you, Ale. I would never. I’m so sorry this all happened.”

At that, she smiled in response. Not the biggest one she’d ever done, or the happiest, but it was genuine. In that moment it was all you could ask from her.

“I know you wouldn’t. You didn’t know Irene would do that in front of everyone. It’s not your fault.” You grimaced at that.

“It kind of is.” You said. 

Alexia paused for a second. Then the corner of her lip curled upwards. 

“It kind of is.” She agreed, making you giggle, which in turn made her smile more.

Seeing her smile like that lit your whole day back up. Lit your whole world up, even still, many years down the line. 

“We’ll get there. We’ll get our baby, I’m sure of it. And it’ll all be because of you and these damn injections.” You teased, but she faltered. Your stomach dropped.

“That’s the thing, amor. It feels like all I can think about at the minute is our baby. The what ifs, the fears, the worries. I can’t stop thinking about it all.” She admitted in a mumble, body deflating against yours again.

“And that isn’t stupid either, Ale. You care. It doesn’t help at all that your thoughts aren’t really yours to control right now.” 

She hummed in agreement at that. The woman was an overthinking mess at the minute and it was driving her insane. 

“It’s just… scary. And unfamiliar.” 

You smiled sadly and hugged her tighter. You turned your head to kiss her cheek once, twice, a third time, during which you lingered just because you wanted the love you felt for her to seep back into her bones again. 

“I know. But you’re not alone in it. Sorry if I made you feel like you were.” You apologised for the hundredth time that day, still feeling no lighter in your guilt. 

Alexia placed a kiss of her own against your jaw, wanting the whole conversation to stop and the day to be forgotten.

“Can we move on from this now? I don’t want to think about it all anymore.” She asked in a tired tone, something you instantly agreed with. 

Anaís wasn’t due back home for another hour, and she was normally a great distraction. You thought for a moment of what could take your minds off the horrors that had occurred, when a pile of washing sat by the machine gave you an idea.

“Why don’t we sort through Anaís’ clothes from when she was a baby? Hmm?” You suggested. It was a job that needed doing, but also a sentimental task that would bring back the most wonderful memories to cheer her up. It’d allow you both to get excited about the future again too. 

You were pleased to see the idea brought a smile back to Alexia’s face, and went to lead her upstairs where the rest of the clothes were. Alexia’s arms stopped you as they tightened around your waist.

Her eyes were questioning, and full of hope. Gentle hope. The type you’d seen only a handful of times before in her most vulnerable moments. Every other thought left your mind as you noticed it, and your attention was solely on her. 

“It will all be worth it, won’t it?” Alexia asked, voice uncharacteristically quiet. She spoke as if any louder volume would shatter the dreams she had for your family before she even had the chance to wish for them. “Going through all this again won’t be for nothing?”

You smiled, and leaned in to press the softest kiss you could give her onto her lips. She reciprocated easily like your kiss held the answer. When you separated after, you fixed her with a gaze that told her you knew the answer.

“It will.” You answered simply. Her hands twitched where they sat on your back as you spoke. “We’ll go through it together, and we’ll get our baby. We’ll get Anaís her little brother or sister. No matter how many times we have to try.”

The version of you then had no idea the true meaning of that sentence when you’d uttered it then. Because the months that followed were brutal. 

It took so many tries, it felt. More than it did for Anaís. And there were times where that gentle hope you and Alexia harboured then was nothing more than a cruel joke by the universe. But Alexia kept it safe in her chest, and it worked.

The tears, the heartbreak, the hopelessness– it was all worth it when you sat in the car on the way back from an appointment with a strip of ultrasound photos on your lap of your new baby. Even if Alexia teased you like hell for crying the whole journey home.

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