Oh this encapsulates the feeling perfectly. It’s like every time I fall for someone, they’re just so much more, they are god crafted specimens whether it’s their endless talents, their effortless grace, their perfect little quirks that is not just a romantic love but also be just a platonic friend. It feels like I’m drowning in a sea of inadequacy, watching them swim in clear, calm waters while I struggle to keep my head above the surface. It’s like I’m Icarus, desperate to soar higher than I was ever meant to, flying too close to the Sun knowing it’s going to burn me, that it always has and always will. The wax dripping down my back as my back blisters and burns and you know the worst part? I still try. I still keep coming back. And every time, I crash into the sea below harder all while watching the sun in the sky staring down at me in scorn to even attempt to look at it let alone aim for it. It is Sisyphean task.
I keep telling myself that this time it’ll be different, that maybe this time I’ll finally be enough but I never am. It’s like my heart is a battlefield where all my failures are lying in wait, just waiting to remind me that no matter how many times I stand up, I’m still always too far behind. No matter how much I push myself, no matter how hard I try to climb out of this hole I’ve dug myself into
I try. I try with everything I have. Studying, focusing, working hard so fucking hard but every time every single time, I will fall short. Every time I think I’ve got something right, I end up in the same place I started, or worse, further back. It feels like I’m in some twisted race I’ll never win, no matter how fast I run, no matter how hard I push myself. I don’t even want to be the best. I just want to be good enough. I want to be seen, to be noticed, to be valid, even if it’s just for one moment. But I never get there. I mean I always am in a crush with somebody is just much more brilliant than me someone who will talk to me but will never look at me for longer than a flower in the concrete. I mean why do I end up being the one left behind. I mean I am never a top-5 choice. I am always in a trio with a duo.
I mean I am tired of people telling me that i look pretty when i know i don't and that looks don't matter when it is not the truth and i have tried everything to make myself look better to even come close to the people I fall for but i am just so below average, it is pathetic. I have really tried, to be someone I’m not to look better, to be someone worth noticing, someone worthy of being loved or even just liked. I’ve tried everything, from weight loss to haircuts to clothes, but no matter what I do, I never feel good enough. I can’t even reach average. And that hurts more than anything knowing that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I fight to be seen, I’m still invisible. I am still annoying to people who meet me at first regardless if i am extroverted or introverted.
You would think I would stop falling for people left right and center but some people are just so kind. I’ll never be enough for them, and maybe, I won’t ever be enough for myself either. And every time it hurts. Every single time. But I can’t stop. I just can’t. I always end up falling for someone who is like leagues above me.
