cool guy blog. for cool guys

And as for our erstwhile heroes? 

  John Egbert and Karkat Vantas would sit in their hotel room and watch Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past, which John had brought along just for the occasion. He thought that the fusion of Matthew McConaughey to romantic comedy would be a mutual hit. He had also assumed the movie would have actual ghosts.   They would both see Matthew McConaughey learn the true value of commitment by his dead playboy uncle, rejecting his previous identity as a Lothario of casual sex. They would awkwardly sit on the edge of the bed as John placed exactly four fingers on Karkat’s thigh, which made the movie-watching experience the same as every movie-watching experience they’d ever had. That, except that they now knew that the other one now knew.     They would both realise that Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past was fucking shit. Like, worse than Far From Heaven.

–SHOW HOTEL ROOM LOG, FUGGED THICK WITH ANXIETY–   oh no karkat he is bitterly regretting the loss of jenny, the first girlfriend he should have married who isn’t a literal ghost.   OF COURSE SHE’S NOT A FUCKING GHOST, YOU TOOLING NOOKSPITTLE, IT’S A GODDAMNED METAPHOR FOR HIS MIXED BAGGAGE AND REGRET.   what if the girls were actual ghosts, intent on dropping crazy ghost curses on everyone at the wedding?   WHAT IF YOU WERE A TASTELESS HACK WHO THOUGHT PARANORMAL FILM PINNACLED AT “I DOWNLOADED A GHOST”? THAT’S YOU, JOHN. THAT’S YOUR IDEA OF A TRUE AUTEUR. WHOEVER WAS BEHIND “I DOWNLOADED A GHOST.” YOU THINK YOUTUBE MONTAGES OF PEOPLE GETTING SLIMED IS CALL FOR STANDING OVATION.   dude, i’m just saying that this movie is horseshit and the horse is sick. this horse might die of a bowel disease. that’s the quality of the horseshit we have going here.   OK, YEAH. I ADMIT IT. THERE IS BLOOD IN THE FECES AND THE DOCTORS ARE ALL STANDING AROUND TALKING IN HUSHED TONES, WORRY WRINKLING THEIR FEATURES.   ha ha ha!   oh man, i’m kind of glad that nothing’s really changed. you know. now that we’re sweethearts.   DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST REFER TO US AS “SWEETHEARTS.”   gentleman friends!   MATESPRITS.   paramours.   BOYFRIENDS.   lovers!   SO ER   UH   HOLY SHIT, DID YOU NOTICE THE EDITING CHOICES IN THIS MOVIE???? THE CINEMATOGRAPHY IS FUCKING FASCINATING IF YOU DRAW COMPARISONS TO HIS 2003 LINDSAY LOHAN VEHICLE “FREAKY FRIDAY”, WE SHOULD PROBABLY DIRECT OUR OCULARS TOWARDS IT SO AS TO NOT DISRESPECT OH MY UNKIND TROLL GOD JOHN WHAT.

hi, hot stuff.   HI, DREAMWORKS FACE.   dude, this is my “seductive expression”. i guess it sucks? i spent a shitload of time trying to get my eyebrow to do this, aradia showed me that you have to isolate a little cluster of muscles just here and hey, i’m babbling! if you could stop me any time now that would be awesome. just any time now, pl –   SHUT YOUR GIBBERING EFFUSION HOLE, JOHN.   IT’S JUST ME. YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE SUAVE. YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE ANYTHING. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL I EVER – ACTUALLY – WANTED.   it’s still weird to think   I KNOW. I KNOW. YOU’RE A REEKING FAILURE DUMPSTER. YOU SWAN AROUND IN BUCK TEETH BEING WRETCHEDLY BEAUTIFUL WITH NO COHERENT THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD FOR ANYONE. YOU’RE INANE. I FUCKING ADORE YOU.   i love you. ok. now i have to try this one more time.   hi, hot stuff.   HI AGAIN, IDIOT.   so i was thinking we could “make out.” i hear it’s in vogue with the young people these daymmph mmph mmph

This would not, of course, be the end of John and Karkat’s adventures. They still had marching band sectionals to attend despite band nerds probably going on to inform the authors that sectionals occured at the end of the first semester, not at the end of a school year. They’d have high school to graduate. There would be moirails to appease, parents to put up with, and friend drama aplenty. In twenty minutes they would be working out the condom-manual fine print like it was the frigging Rosetta Stone or something.   Their lives would be enriched with all manner of outlandish happenstance. Who knew what they would encounter? Perhaps alien cats housed by meteors. Perhaps college! Perhaps getting gay teen married only three months after they began dating.   No, that would be fucking ridiculous.

Hi, hello, I'm one more minute away from bashing my head into a wall. I know people showed some interest before, so I'm thinking of opening emergency commissions.

Bullshit n more under the cut vv

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