PROMSTUCK: A Homestuck Fan Adventure. (With Prom)

Vr8ska w8ns.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Even Eridan.

And as for our erstwhile heroes? 

  John Egbert and Karkat Vantas would sit in their hotel room and watch Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past, which John had brought along just for the occasion. He thought that the fusion of Matthew McConaughey to romantic comedy would be a mutual hit. He had also assumed the movie would have actual ghosts.   They would both see Matthew McConaughey learn the true value of commitment by his dead playboy uncle, rejecting his previous identity as a Lothario of casual sex. They would awkwardly sit on the edge of the bed as John placed exactly four fingers on Karkat’s thigh, which made the movie-watching experience the same as every movie-watching experience they’d ever had. That, except that they now knew that the other one now knew.     They would both realise that Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past was fucking shit. Like, worse than Far From Heaven.

--SHOW HOTEL ROOM LOG, FUGGED THICK WITH ANXIETY--   oh no karkat he is bitterly regretting the loss of jenny, the first girlfriend he should have married who isn’t a literal ghost.   OF COURSE SHE’S NOT A FUCKING GHOST, YOU TOOLING NOOKSPITTLE, IT’S A GODDAMNED METAPHOR FOR HIS MIXED BAGGAGE AND REGRET.   what if the girls were actual ghosts, intent on dropping crazy ghost curses on everyone at the wedding?   WHAT IF YOU WERE A TASTELESS HACK WHO THOUGHT PARANORMAL FILM PINNACLED AT “I DOWNLOADED A GHOST”? THAT’S YOU, JOHN. THAT’S YOUR IDEA OF A TRUE AUTEUR. WHOEVER WAS BEHIND “I DOWNLOADED A GHOST.” YOU THINK YOUTUBE MONTAGES OF PEOPLE GETTING SLIMED IS CALL FOR STANDING OVATION.   dude, i’m just saying that this movie is horseshit and the horse is sick. this horse might die of a bowel disease. that’s the quality of the horseshit we have going here.   OK, YEAH. I ADMIT IT. THERE IS BLOOD IN THE FECES AND THE DOCTORS ARE ALL STANDING AROUND TALKING IN HUSHED TONES, WORRY WRINKLING THEIR FEATURES.   ha ha ha!   oh man, i’m kind of glad that nothing’s really changed. you know. now that we’re sweethearts.   DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST REFER TO US AS “SWEETHEARTS.”   gentleman friends!   MATESPRITS.   paramours.   BOYFRIENDS.   lovers!   SO ER   UH   HOLY SHIT, DID YOU NOTICE THE EDITING CHOICES IN THIS MOVIE???? THE CINEMATOGRAPHY IS FUCKING FASCINATING IF YOU DRAW COMPARISONS TO HIS 2003 LINDSAY LOHAN VEHICLE “FREAKY FRIDAY”, WE SHOULD PROBABLY DIRECT OUR OCULARS TOWARDS IT SO AS TO NOT DISRESPECT OH MY UNKIND TROLL GOD JOHN WHAT.

hi, hot stuff.   HI, DREAMWORKS FACE.   dude, this is my “seductive expression”. i guess it sucks? i spent a shitload of time trying to get my eyebrow to do this, aradia showed me that you have to isolate a little cluster of muscles just here and hey, i’m babbling! if you could stop me any time now that would be awesome. just any time now, pl --   SHUT YOUR GIBBERING EFFUSION HOLE, JOHN.   IT’S JUST ME. YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE SUAVE. YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE ANYTHING. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL I EVER -- ACTUALLY -- WANTED.   it’s still weird to think   I KNOW. I KNOW. YOU’RE A REEKING FAILURE DUMPSTER. YOU SWAN AROUND IN BUCK TEETH BEING WRETCHEDLY BEAUTIFUL WITH NO COHERENT THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD FOR ANYONE. YOU’RE INANE. I FUCKING ADORE YOU.   i love you. ok. now i have to try this one more time.   hi, hot stuff.   HI AGAIN, IDIOT.   so i was thinking we could "make out." i hear it's in vogue with the young people these daymmph mmph mmph

This would not, of course, be the end of John and Karkat’s adventures. They still had marching band sectionals to attend despite band nerds probably going on to inform the authors that sectionals occured at the end of the first semester, not at the end of a school year. They’d have high school to graduate. There would be moirails to appease, parents to put up with, and friend drama aplenty. In twenty minutes they would be working out the condom-manual fine print like it was the frigging Rosetta Stone or something.   Their lives would be enriched with all manner of outlandish happenstance. Who knew what they would encounter? Perhaps alien cats housed by meteors. Perhaps college! Perhaps getting gay teen married only three months after they began dating.   No, that would be fucking ridiculous.

Ms. Lalonde and Ms. Maryam would engage in only the classiest of post-prom palzogony: make-outs in the back of Rose’s car. Affections secured, they both agreed that any other activity would be a useless distraction to the main goal, which was to mack like crazy. They would negotiate clear boundaries. They would exchange coquettish back-and-forth. Then they would insult the other’s probable sexual prowess until Rose snapped the shit out of Kanaya’s bra.

An unwelcome interruption, then, was the fact that Kanaya’s cellphone went off twenty-three times.

--SHOW BACKSEAT OF CAR LOG--   Again?   They Appear To Be Inching Ever Further Toward The Great Unknown Of First Base   Fluthlu have mercy. Tell him nobody ever lost their inept frottage virginity while simultaneously texting their best friend.   I Do Feel A Strong Sense Of Responsibility Regarding Karkats Emotional Health Here Considering   You’re not supervising them for their learner’s license. I’m currently feeling a strong sense of aversion to your iPhone, which could advance into a strong sense of aversion to my brassiere if you play your cards right.   When You Put It That Way It Appears That My Fecklessness Gambit Is Rising   I’d thought as much.   Oh Goodness Gracious Fuckmumbles How Can It Be Beeping Again He Is Going To Do His Thumb A Repetitive Strain Injury

Dear, it’s time to let the baby bird thrash its way out the nest. The worst that can happen is that someone will have their knee thoroughly touched.   I Know   Its Just   Oh For Crying Out Loud They Are Just So Goddamned Stupid There I Said It They Do Not Have The Sense That Evolution Granted The Common Cupcake   Turn it off, Kanaya.   Do You Think If I Asked Audaciously Enough We Could Explore Some Patella   Show a little ankle and I may not be able to control myself.   Then Darling Let Me Educate You As To How Its Done   Oh, please, let’s get pedagogical as hell.

-- SHOW EPILOGUE --

UGH WH4T 1S GO1NG ON 1N TH3R3 >:?

wait im currently getting a play by play from lalonde whos getttin it whispered in vampirese at her nape by kanaya whos hearing it directly from the twitchy fingers of vantas himself

i wager a guess they are attempting the highly illegal sexual technique known as

purple monkey dishwasher

1 C4N SM3LL TH3 SOUND OF TH31R L1PS SM4CK1NG THROUGH TH3 W4LL

girl dont lie you cant smell sounds

D4V3 1 T4K3 OFF3NS3 TO TH4T

1 C4N SM3LL 3V3RYTH1NG >:]

INCLUD1NG HOW V3RY NOT TURN3D ON BY TH3 S1GHT OF MY TOT4LLY ROCK1NG B3H1ND YOU 4R3 >:[

babe i promise usually the sight of your bony ass is like four issues of hustler glued together with whipped cream and body oil

but right now all i can think about is johns hands gently cupping karkats buttocks like two wounded doves

sartre was wrong

hell aint other people

hell is john egbert fucking karkat vantas

oh wait i gotta tell rose that one

flightly broad doesnt think i know famous nihilists of the twentieth century

D4V3.......

yeah

T4K3 M3 TO TH3 1HOP

Team Strider-Pyrope went on to combine their efforts and consume thirty-four whole pancakes and two and a half bottles of maple syrup. They were very sick in the morning and eventually got kicked out for loitering. Two weeks later they got married in a Burger King and were very happy together for the rest of their lives.

Dave failed to get pregnant.

The nicest, most attractive girl in school with the tragic past she nonetheless would never talk about but sometimes sigh penitently with the cruel brush of sorrow over would be crowned Prom Queen. Nobody was surprised. Her Prom King was this little shit, who had not asked for the limelight nor ever desired it. Its whole life had been tarnished with being used for other people’s purposes, an empty figurehead for their ideologies. The imp had been used up until some days it thought there was very little left. It had been passed from hand to careless, greedy hand, malleable clay of someone else’s desires. Who had demanded this royal ascension? In the game of prom thrones, it had won and died. However, the imp would discover that in its queen was spouse and protector, as she rechristened it “Jessica Impson” and made it one of her ninety-eight matesprits. --SHOW EPILOGUE--

<3 ~ i have a crush on every fantroll ~ <3<

Feferi, Sollux and Eridan would spend the night of Promcoming wearing Sollux’s clothes and watching back-episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Sollux and Eridan would engage in their very favourite thing to do together when watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, which was to fight about it.

Feferi Peixes would engage in her favourite thing to do when listening to them argue, which was to get completely crunk.

--SHOW EPILOGUE--

sol you are bein dabsolutely obstunate not to mention completely wwrong

oh my god two fii2h pun2 iin one 2entence.

kriill me now.

haww haww fuck you an stop tryin a distract from the argument

i cant believve youd evven suggest that the prime directivve is anyfin but the pinnacle a interstellar laww an order

are you 2tupiid? rhetoriical que2tiion, dont an2wer.

the priime diirectiive ii2 a load of 2hiit.

iit2 a niice iidea but the way they treat iit iin the actual 2how ii2 so iinept a2 two promote fa2cii2m.

yeah so wwhat

ju2t look at what a hot me22 janeway became becau2e the wriiters diidnt know what the fuck they were doiing.

Janeway is so glubbing ----EXTR-----EM-----E!

I love )(er! 38)

ok 2orry ff ii love you but you are 2o wrong.

dont you fuckin glub at my newwly renewwed moirail that wway you just dont get my girl katherine on accounta your blatant sexisms

oh yeah iim really gonna get pwned on femiinii2m by eriidan fuckiing ampora. ju2t becau2e you liike 2queeziing your bony a22 iinto a miinii2kiirt doe2 not make you troll andrea dworkiin.

more blatant coddamn examples of your sexism

Uggg)(. You boys s)(ore are BOR---ES rig)(t now!

Why don’t you just kiss already??

wwhat

waiit.

Put your tongues toget)(er! YOUR -EMPR---ESS D---EMANDS IT!

Their Empress would later be put to sleep on the couch in the recovery position.

Mr. Noir would wake up to a bathtub filled with ice and a romantic note.

  It would take Jack around thirty seconds to recall that, being a carapace, he did not have single organs analagous to kidneys.

Rose’s Mother, John’s Father and Dave’s Older Brother would go on to traumatize the youngest Strider, but decreed it was his fault for dragging himself home at eleven in the morning.

  Rose and John would not believe a word of the story.

Jade Harley would go on to save the last dance of the night for two special people: the most brutally kawaii nekochan of AHS and her moirail, the baritone who ruled all brass with an e%ceptionally sweaty fist. She would make the same mistake that the Karkat of another doomed timeline did, only when it came to a Harley and butt touches, there was no such thing as mistake.

--SHOW EPILOGUE--

:00 < jade, did you just... touch my hot butt??

you....

....bet your sweet tail i did!!!

D --> But, Miss Harley

D --> Your graceful but certainly capable hand has also been misplaced in the area e%plicitly situated between my hips and knees

yep! one hand for each butt!

:DD < h33 h33 h33!! the sacramewntal oath is broken!

D --> But

D --> But, this means

:OO < what the hell are you pawssibly waiting for eq go fur it go fur it GO FUR IT

D --> Jade, it would be my privilege and honor to demand

D --> That is to say, if you would be at all amenable

yeeees? <3

D --> I mean, if you’d be at all open to the possibility of

D --> Goshdarnit

D --> That you allow me to e%ert my right to demand you attach your name to that of Leijon and Zahhak

pew pew!!!

jade wins! :D :D :D :D

Jade got betrothed to Nepeta Leijon, and by extension, Equius Zahhak. They were simply that kind of moirallegiance. They would all get matesprit married that coming summer and Gamzee Makara would catch the bouquet, though he would then get confused and think it fell from space.

:33 < aishiteru jadechan my beautiful wedding peach <33

:33 < i wanted to be perfect shoujoais with you for such a long time

:33 < i just nefur thought this ship would become canon!

oh please, this ship is like the best ship ever! :o i really cant think of a better one to set sail, you are both the best people in all the world

D --> I have always loved you

D --> We will make you an honest woman Jade

D --> This I promise to you on the day of our precious wedding

:33 < high five!!

high five! <3 <3 <3

D --> Yes, a high fifteen

Her life would become a glorious pageant of Doraemon, protein powder and fursecution.

--SHOW EPILOGUE--

dang...... theres certainly been some AMAZING PROM ADVENTURING today! i feel a warm glow, almost like I drew four hundred pictures and now my hand is on fire.

and they all

lived

happily

ever

after

Uhhhhh no they didn’t. :c

In fact, many of their endings abounded with fridge horror. Though the nightmare should have been over, other promterrors were still intact. The events of that fateful promcoming would resonate throughout the characters’ lives marching band job prospects etc etc etc.

no.... but...... they kissed... how could it not all work out perfectly for everyone? oh wait, Karkat and John will always have awful lives.

i

need

closure

haha i need closure too! i guess we could give everyone some “closure”

Guys, wouldn’t it be more meaningful to let the individual reader imagine the ending that they liked best, creating a unique Promstuck experience for everyone who was unfortunate enough to follow along?

ill imagine that lord english busts in... and was the LIFE OF THE PARTY YEAH

I’ll imagine that it was all a hallucination, and that in reality the characters are lying dying on a windswept crag.

i’ll imagine that i have

the last

four months

of

my

life

back

woah rude!!!

Whoa, rude. :c

j/k

i never want

this to end

ever

i mean it

look at me

With that, I think we need to put the audience out of its badly-faked suspense and show everyone the ramifications of what happens when you smush John Egbert and Karkat Vantas’ mouths together at a prom.

lets all get together for the BEST part of promstuck: our retro 80s style ending montage!!!!

i know where

you

both

live