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Hey guys it's me again

These few days have been quite interesting. I feel like with my mind. I kind of grew. I feel like I've grown because I've actually been doing what I've been writing on my calendar , Its only been these 2 days out of the week but its still some improvement to me .

This month has been really education based . I've learned a lot of things. Things like my hair , my voice. Basically things that I feel like I need to know to master and be sucessful in life. I've been reading horoscopes a lot and I've been talking to psychics on Tumblr also ..... I know that talking to psychics may do more harm than good , But I feel that this one particular psychic really connects with me. She also calms about about alot of things. It helps because right now I have absolutely no clue about what I'm going to go to college for and that really scares me because I want to have a plan for life. I just don't want to live life mindlessly . This psychic has told me some things that really connects with me in a way . She told me that I make "unconscious limitations" on myself and it could be my downfall..

It really made me think...... what are my "unconscious limitations"? and how did they become unconscious? I thought back on my earlier years . I vaguely recall telling myself to not do things and kind of putting myself in a box early on. So I feel like my mind kind of stayed in that place, stayed in that box and I might've trained myself to limit myself unconciously. I want to know what I'm limiting myself on......

Another thing I've been thinking about is how it's a new year and im feeling so "New".I feel "new" but my surrondings are so "Old". I get such a negivive vibe from my room. I've been thinking about redecorating a little bit. Maybe a new sheet, move some stuff around , put shelves up. just a new vibe. I'm very interested in an office theme.I get paid on Tuesday and all i've been doing is research on what i could add to my room like tables and stuff (Pinterest has the best inspiration)

I feel like unconscious limitations and old environments kind of work hand-in-hand. The last time I've changed up my room would have to be about.. Maybe 3 years ago. So It would make sense.

Also I've been breaking down my procrastination trying to see why I prcrastinate. I've been reading a lot of Articles on Psychology today. I find that most of my procrastionation is fed by my laziness and the fact that I have no self restriction which I already know but I'm still not staying disciplined. I pound it into my head almost everyday "Stop being lazy" "you need to get to work" . But still nouthing . I've tried to break down my goals and make them as small as I can , but I feel like with music how how small can you break it down without it taking 10 years to write one song you know? Ill still do more reaserch......

Also the psychic told me something and it kind of made me sad / happy / weirded out ...... the psychic told me that I was going to see a longtime Crush of mine again. (A guy I liked about 5 years ago that I still think about) I don't want to believe it because I know that no matter how much i pray and think about him over and over he still wont like me back . I really need to move on but i cant..... The psychic said that is going to happen sometime in the summer so make sure y'all take note of this cuz I'm pretty sure that I'm going to forget I just hope that it won't be traumatizing.

So, that's really it today thank you so much for listening because my mind is just crazy. It really helps to type this out and let it out instead of keep it all inside you know.

Alright hey guys what's up

So I want to talk about this past month and how crazy my life has been

The actual countdown to 2019 was really surreal. Just the fact that I actually lived all these years are crazy. It really had me thinking about life. I feel like the way that my life is is okay but I really want to do more and I want to live my best life. I want to do big things.

People underestimate me a lot because of how I am. My personality. the first word that I would use to describe myself would be annoying or different because that's how I feel sometimes , I feel like people find me annoying or different. I know these are bad things to tell myself. But I can't help it. The negitive thoughts feel automatic.

What I tried to do is write this thing called a Mantra. A Mantra basically is when you write what you want to be in a couple sentences. Like what you want to become. You post them on your wall and reread them everyday so you start believing the words you wrote on the paper. (Ex. I am a pretty girl) I got this idea online and I wanted to try it out. I'd say this is about the fourth week that I've been reading my mantra to myself. I can feel myself trying to belive the sentences I wrote. I try to let It "fill" my body. I feel like even when I let the sentences take over me I still don't believe it . It's so difficult when you're surrounded by people that you could have been, but you're not becuase you keep eating or didn't say the right things at the right time. I know that people's lives aren't always what they seem to be , The prettiest girls could have the worst lives at home and could be jealous of you. but its hard to believe that people who are arrogant actually go through something.

I want to be sucessful with music but my whole problem is that I can't get started. I'm trying to actually write down my goals. I try to follow them but I never do .

I want to get to a point in life where I'm determined. Like I can do anything.

A long time ago I tried to do meditation. It did not work at all. Meditation involves A blank mind , it's hard for me to do meditation becuase I think 1000 thoughts a minute. So I threw that idea out of the window. I'm thinking of giving it another shot though.

I have a friend let's call her P. She's a good friend of mine and I've known her for a couple of years. We're both in chorus. (no one really knows that I'm working on a whole mini album right now) Sometimes she basically says I cant sing. I know she doesn't mean it in a bad way or she's probably being funny but it kind of hurts to be underestimated like that you know? I want to blow her away. Show her that I can and she was wrong. I know shes my friend but i cant wait to feel that satisfaction.

Yeah so i'm just going to end things here. thank you so much for listening to my mind wander. I hope yall will stay for future posts!

Where have I been?

I decided to take the month off from tumblr becuase I wanted to figure things out , Since its a new year I wanted to change a couple of things

Like my life , My thoughts , and this blog.

I want to change the style. I want to do more. I want this blog to not only help me heal but also help build my creative mind.

SOOOO

Things are gonna be a bit different.......

Posting I've decided to change my updates. Instead of posting on wednesdays and fridays I've changed it to Wednesdays and Sundays.

I've done this becuase I feel like I always forget to post on fridays and I feel like wednesdays and fridays are to close together. I feel that making it every 3 days makes it more even

Content I want to do more pictures, So your gonna see alot of those. I also want to change the format of the way I do my updates , Your gonna see the new format when you see my next post tho ;-)

And thats really it! I'll see yall Wednesday!

Hey guys its yall gurrrrrl Controlled back with a midweek update on my miserable introverted life!

Hi guys 

As 2019 is approaching closer and closer. I keep asking myself about my future.

Like if I keep slacking off , Will success be possible for me?

My plans for 2019 are hardcore. Because I really want success.

Hey guys its yall gurrrrrl Controlled back with a midweek update on my miserable introverted life!

Firstly , I want to say im so so so sorry to my readers for not posting on friday!

I kindaaaaa forgot/had alot going on.

BUT YOU HAVE MY WORDY WORD WORD

that i will post on friday

NOOOOW

lets get to it.

I feel like im slowly moving back to how I was before. Slowly moving forward.

Sometimes it feels like my laziness has completely taken over.......

I’m fighting through it and im going to keep moving forward. No matter how slow or how fast.

oooo lord help me

I havent been working out (Yet). I still get minor anxiety and I feel like i catch myself self comparing also...

Im not down yet tho , still gonna stay positive because i feel like im trying to make improvements.

..................

It sucks sometimes to work though because I feel like someone somewhere is judging me even though I’m in my room by myself.

Then the walls start closing and my heart starts beating.

I wonder if it will always be like this.........

End

QUOTE 

“Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.” ~Dale Carnegie

Sincerely ,

Hey guys its yall gurrrrrl Controlled back with a midweek update on my miserable introverted life!

I didnt post at all last week cause it was thanksgiving and i was eating and gaining more weight.

I hope yall had a happy one!!!!

Now lets get to what you came here for.

My thoughts.

These past two weeks havent been the best for me. I’m disappointed in myself.

I havent been working out , Writing or Doing beats.

I just feel like i’m stuck. 

I went and bought a whole new upgrade to my production also so its supposed to be easier... but it hasnt been.

Its not procrastination its just laziness that i have a problem with. When I think about my dreams i feel like they arent ever going to come true because I wont work. Then I just feel like a failure. Then I feel like im having a whole pity party.

ughhhh

Anxiety has also came back to. You know something ive noticed about my anxiety?

Whenever I’m working to better myself I dont have any problems with it. But when I dont its like it comes back.

I havent had any major problems with self comparing lately so there is some positive in the mess full of negative.

Sometimes i just feel like im not good enough. Not that anyone has told me that I’m not , But I feel like my ideas and my visions just wont work.....

i’m scared of......success?

Idek quote time

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive. ” – Audre Lorde

seeeeeeya fridaY

*Love yall*

Sincerely,

.Hey guys its yall gurrrrrl Controlled back with a midweek update on my miserable introverted life!

-NEGATIVITY WARNING-

So this week has just been bad for me emotionally

I’ve broken all of my rules on everything and to be honest I just feel lost right now.

I’ve self doubted , Ignored anxiety , Stopped working out.

I legit feel like I have to start over.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why does life have to be so hard? So scary? So full of obstacles?

Why are there no right answers? 

......

So in class.

I asked my friends what they were going to college for. What they were going to do in life..... and almost half of them said they weren't going to college.

It shocked me because in my mind , my “world”. I felt like everyone kind of thought “Big”. Like everyone wanted to be successful and be there own boss.(Not that you have to go to college to be successful , the way they described their life after college was to smoke weed all day and chill) 

Am I dumb for thinking that? Or is it that alot of people want it but arent willing to put in the work for it?

Is success not an Ideal life for some people?\

Bear with me im thinking this through and typing at the same time.

Maybe I should do this more often.

I kinda have to leave right now.

But till next time?

Sincerely,

Hey guys its yall gurrrrrl Controlled back with a midweek update on my miserable introverted life!

This week has been quite the week.

I’ve been up down all around.

Lets talk about it shall we?

SO

I’ve found myself hating my life and myself because I noticed that I don’t “Click” with other people. I don’t feel that people get a “Your cool” vibe from me ,Ya know?

I feel like I want people to like me and think that I’m cool and whatever butI still have such a hard time understanding that not everyone is gonna like me no matter how nice,smart ,”Cool” I am. For some reason thats a hard pill to swallow for me.

I’ve also been beating myself up a lot over things im not getting done.I haven't been doing my workouts,  and I stopped doing music consistently. Im. a . mess

On top of all that my teacher moved a girl that I don’t like right behind me.

This girl , Lets call her............. Brownie (Remember this for future posts i might make 😒)

Brownie and I have had quite the past. She’s the type of teen that doesnt respect anyone outside her “group” (Lots of followers, Thinks she’s “Popular” even though were in high school and theres no “Popular”) But expects everyone to respect her. I remember last year the people in our class was being funny and I was laughing and enjoying myself when she turned around and said “Its not that funny”.... Like um hello I’m enjoying myself boo enjoy yourself.

Or how that when ever someone “Below” her walks past her she always needs to make a face.

UGHHHHH. I pray every night to the good lord above that karma hits her hard. 

Please GOD make sure she has a dead end job and 5 kids at 20 please please please.

PLEASE

OK

IN CONCLUSION,

Is this week hard? Yes

 but I am going to make it better because this is my life and I can turn this frown I have upside down in no time. I believe it.

Also by the time we speak again (Friday) I will have gotten my priorities right again and I will be going on and on about how great life is . Just watch

Now time for a quote

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” - Maya Angelou

seeya friday

Sincerely,

Hey guys its yall gurrrrrl Controlled back with a mid week update on my miserable introverted life!

I have a lot of things on my mind today guys.

Let me tell you what happened.......

So , My teacher put the class in groups today to do these problems on the board..... it was so boring and hard I just guessed through the questions and waited for the other people in my group to finish so we can just move on and go home.

But as I was waiting I noticed that they were having a conversation about who they’ve slept with and how many fwb’s they have while they wait for the teacher to move on to the next question.

There was 2 guys and 1 girl in the group , and the girl was going on about how she had slept with this one dude since grade 8. (I’m in high school btw)

As I was listening I was thinking.... “Is this cool?”

“Do I have to sing about sex and dudes in order to be successful?”

“Do I have to sing about sex and dudes in order to be relatable to my peers?”

As I was thinking these things I kind of looked around the room at all the other girls in my class and what they were wearing and what slang they were saying and I kind of just beat myself up over the fact that I will truly never be them. That I won’t ever be seen as equal in there eyes because of the way that I am “built” and my social status.

Then I went ahead and sunk myself into a depression over how I never had a boyfriend or been kissed in my life and If i ever do get lucky no matter how nice and sweet I am , There will always be that freakier ,Thinner , Cooler girl ready to take him from me just because.

But see tumblr , I have big dreams. I want to start my own trends. Break records. Be legendary.

But in order to do that I’ll have to deal with criticism from those people who dont understand and I’m not sure if im ready for that. But I’m going to do it anyway.

I’m sure that guy is just waiting for me now. Having all the perfect qualities only a girl can dream of.

AHHHHH

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BTW!

i didnt treat or treat but I did walk around with my siblings and it was really fun!

be safe pls.

I gtg talk to you fri

Sincerely ,

The one the only

“Hey guys its yall gurrrrrl Controlled back with a final week update on my miserable introverted life!

These last few days have been quite hectic.

Buckle up

SO

I had this feeling the other day that I liked my friend.....But I don’t

Literally I was fighting with myself telling my self that I don’t like him and im embarrassing myself thinking about him in the way that I did. (ANXIETY)

Yes you read that right. 

I really don’t like him I swear on everything that I love. I know it sounds stupid and dumb and cliche but keep reading then youll understand.

So while I was fighting with myself in my head trying to get me back to reality , I got a notification on my phone. It was my period tracker.

Im due next week.

(OOOOOOO) It was my period emotions. My emotions that I feel but I really dont feel. Don’t act like you don’t get them to ladies ;). I can not explain how satisfying the feeling of relief felt , Washing over my mind.

Yall dont understand how complicated me liking my friend would have been. It would've made my life SO much freaking harder. 

I also surprised myself with how self - aware I am.... Like the moment I felt that I liked him my brain was Like NOPE SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE.

whew

Today I noticed that Fridays at school are so energetic like, Everyone is partying and laughing.

Being extra..... Its so weird.......

Its like lunch is this one hour of just excitement. Like everything goes so fast and everyone is acting really crazy and you just feel this weird rush with it..... Yall know what I am talking about?

idk my mind is a little weird

“ When I’m not feeling my best I ask myself, ‘What are you gonna do about it?’ I use the negativity to fuel the transformation into a better me. “ - Beyonce

till next time

Sincerely,