I am here and here is what matters.

I’m turning 21 in three days yet you boss me around. This is why I can’t stand up for myself. You guilt-trip me the same way, even though there are some times where I know that you don’t mean it.

Don’t worry. Next year, I will be paying my own bills, food, and things just to earn your respect for me. I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Sometimes I think if I could just have one day of me not existing at all in everyone’s lives, they’d be much better. If I had the chance to die without pain for one day, I want to see everyone’s lives (past and present) brighten. I think about jumping off the building and throwing myself in the middle of the road a lot, but the process terrifies me.

I wish I could just die. Not necessarily go through process of death, but more so in disappearing.

So that way, when I disappear, my depression won’t be everyone’s burden. And my happiness and me striving for it won’t be a burden to you all.

It sucks that it’s a huge risk. Because if I go after what I know what’s best for me and what makes me happy, I’d have to sacrifice the “love” you have for me.

It’s just that in the end, I want to be me. I want to be entirely me. Even if I don’t know who I am, I want to simultaneously be someone who smiles and someone who cries. I want to be me, who chases after her dreams. I want to be me, who takes care of herself and herself only. Who wants to enjoy self-care without any worry or guilt. I want to be someone who can do the very best for herself. I want to be someone who can bring the best in herself, because I’m the only best friend and significant other I could ever have.