Maire Go Bragh

The mood is just… fucked. No other way to say it. I don’t even want to start. It goes deep.

The concert was… I dunno. Kinda sad. For me. I could say I loved it, I could say I’m elevated. But it was… underwhelming. I get that it’s not riverdance and not lord of the dance by any stretch but… I dunno. It had great moments, truly. But Seeing our small simple country hall and that small stage I watched it and felt like… like a provincial school theatre play. It all seemed like a parody, a really unbecoming one. Or maybe it’s just my mood now. Don’t wanna lie. Everything seems smaller.

My journey into self improvement and making my dreams real carries on as I am starting to get used to going Irish dancing three times every week and it becomes a habit, my body adjusting to the exercise. Christmas concert is tomorrow and I’m going, I hope it goes amazing… anyway, aaaand I’ve also started learning irish Gaelic… I mean why not? I’ve always wanted to learn a third language and I’ve tried with German (maybe I’ll try again), and I’ve loved Irish culture all my life I mean… might as well take up learning irish on duolingo, and I love it so far, making progress. One thing that annoying - I can’t tell if I’m pronouncing the words right. I’m listening to pronunciation and imitating it but still, not sure. Anyway, I’ll figure it out.

I think I’ve just lost a friend. It was a long time coming. But I don’t have anyone else and I have to deal with the emptiness somehow.

Wow those jumps in Irish dancing is just… exhausting… I’m dead. So tired I can’t even think. Tired out of my mind. The teacher is awesome but she’s demanding and it’s tough, I’ve never danced in my life. I’ve never even liked any type of dance except for Irish dancing. And this particular one is… let’s just say it’s not far from ballet and it’s … it’s complicated and exhausting and I just… I need to go lie down but I can’t bring myself to move.

Can’t figure out if I’m that toxic clingy friend who always talks about themselves and gets distanced eventually or it’s the other way around and I’m just choosing people who don’t care much and I hate to initialise everything and get the person interested. Or maybe it’s both. Dunno. On one hand I kinda care about the answer and on the other… the way I’m feeling lately I think I won’t care if I’m the toxic one. Both answers mean I should let go. Should… although sometimes I do feel like using someone for sharing my emotions and interests. Like I… I know I should care but then again if I can’t have deep connection then I’ll take what I can get. Good memories and good emotions that I can get.

“Gaslighting”. Manipulation. They really do like those terms don’t they… like many other psychology terms. Let’s see… “Nothing bad is happening”, “you’re imagining things”, “woke politics is not everywhere, don’t exaggerate”, “you poor snowflake, maybe it’s your problem that you see it everywhere”. Wait. Maybe they just like that gaslight and manipulate. Let us constantly gaslight you into believing that you’re the problem if you think something is happening, yeah, great. Nothing is happening. I’ve grown with a manipulative psychological and physical abuser. It sounds the same. “You imagined it”, “you’re too sensitive”, “maybe it’s you who’s the monster”. Nothing is happening. Awesome. Now we’ve got a whole manipulative culture going on.

I took up drawing suddenly. No huge ambitions, just for fun. Maybe I’ll learn smth along the way when practicing. And also not so suddenly took up… Irish dancing. Like reels and jigs and stuff. Went to classes and already paid for those. Yep… and right there I might have… well, not an ambition, but I’ve been dreaming of doing Irish dancing for so so so so many years. “No I’m too old already”, “not organised enough”. “Not strong/not fit enough”, “don’t have enough will to go though the amount of physical exercise it needs”, “too slow, bad reflexes”. I still have all those doubts granted but umm well you only live once and I want to do this. “Do”, not “try”. I am setting myself up for a real commitment. And I know that later I’ll feel the temptation to skip classes and probably it’ll get really tiring and I will miss my usual comfy daily routine and want to quit, maybe I’ll start losing enthusiasm when the first emotional high of finally doing Irish dancing wears off. Yeah, probably. That’s why I’m intentionally curbing and muting that enthusiasm and making those lessons a usual routine as soon as possible. I have to think of them as something that is un-skippable. Three times a week, going to that one lesson in the evening. Not optional, no exceptions. Just going in, training, and going out. That’s it. Like a drill, which it is. Well, maybe when I have to call in sick, then yeah I have no choice but skip and that might also happen cause my health is very very shitty, let’s face it. But except for that… yeah. A drill. A routine. A stable perseverance. A commitment. Good luck to me.

Going to a folk concert next… year? Is it gonna be next year soon already? Wow. Anyway, waiting for the concert with baited breath. And I’m feeling holiday cheer. Surprisingly. Bought some new clothes today and they look amazing on me. Even bought a dress and I haven’t worn dresses since uni I think. So far so good. Gonna be doing new years cleaning in 10 days and can’t believe I’m saying it - I’m looking forward to it.

This is gonna be a hate post. Yep. My tumblr feed is still scarce. Trying to find some good blogs and not cringe along the way, sadly I have standards this time and zero tolerance for the things I don’t like to know and see. Yeah sure it sounds bad, echo chambering is bad yada yada, I’m very aware, but I just want to have a good time looking through my feed, I have enough of big stress in real life goddammit, so… if I can get rid of some small things that stress me out and escape for awhile, we’ll, I’m gonna do that. Although I still feel like I’m closing myself up for good discourse…. But then again I often want discourse and when I do - I’ll find it anyway. So far my biggest cringe points are: 1. Progressive talk over inclusion and victim contests on sexism and racism and trans-non-binary, whatever, Lord, how I hate that, I don’t even want to go into details on this, they are ruining the the things I love, all fandoms are compromised with this bullshit (cause initially the wokies mostly came from tumblr fandoms and I watched it happen like in slow motion a tragedy unfolding over the years, and here we go, now I have to filter my content severely just to cut this shit out, 2. Top/bottom discourse in fandom. Yes, it IS important to me who’s on top. Cause guess what, ff writers _always_ link the sex position to the character traits (I’ve read tons of ff, don’t even start), and it’s always certain (not necessarily always the same) character traits and a certain dynamic. I _also_ want a certain dynamic, so i AM looking for a certain positions in M and R rated ff. Its personal preferences and those matter. No, I really don’t want to know how it “doesn’t matter because in real life it doesn’t matter” (it does and you know it does, cause authors DO link character traits to the sex position and fanfiction is NOT real life my friends), and I really don’t want to be educated about not being progressive enough, or whatever.

Almost any good idea, any words can sound like a manipulation from certain people and in certain circumstances. “Try to get out from your comfort zone”, “you need to be open minded”, etc etc. just any advice, any thoughts whatsoever can be a manipulation. But it doesn’t mean those ideas are wrong and should be always rejected. Nope, we use knives even if they are sometimes used to kill people. Same thing with almost any ideas. They can be good and you might need them, just used in the wrong manipulative way.

If there’s anything at all to be learned from the woke bunch it’s the importance of speaking up. Despite all the ridicule and diminishing you really should do it, at least try to change things. Sure, they praise themselves on speaking up against the “oppressors” and the establishment (while being said oppressors and the establishment) and it’s hypocritical and fake af. But… the principal itself is good. Speaking up is important. Even Though they deem any speech they don’t like as “hate speech”, and speaking up is great only when people agree with them, but whatever, the point is that the principal itself is… it’s good.

It’s so obvious that Kanye West is not ok… like, he’s having some sort of a prolonged episode. Mental thing…. I was never a fan of his, didn’t like his music. I frankly don’t care about him and never did. But holy shit it looks scary. Maybe he already had antisemitic views before the episode, like subconsciously. But now it all floated onto the surface and magnified and it’s terrifying to watch. And people are just outraged at the antisemitism, clearly not feeling the obvious absurdity and grotesque way the person is behaving…. He’s clearly mentally ill. He may even do something to himself. But that would make many people happy won’t it…. Yep.

I wonder if I’m doing it on purpose. Choosing people who keep me at a distance, who I have to cling to and impress to get attention and interest to be accepted and involved, but the distance thing stays and I’m never truly accepted. Ofc I’m doing it on purpose… it’s a pattern that I’m used to. And it’s easier for them to leave me than the other way around - they never cling, never as attached as me. Is it easier for me like that? Am I afraid of being close to someone… but I really want that. oh hell, this analysing thing is srsly complicated, but I don’t have they money for the therapist so this blog would have to do for now.