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A flight from British Columbia to Toronto was canceled on Thursday after a child would not sit down and buckle a seatbelt before takeoff, the airline said. “Attempts by the accompanying parent and crew to address this were unsuccessful,” according to the company, which did not provide the age of the shitty child. The fact that this is even a story is ridiculous, but unfortunately parents have gotten so shitty and permissive that children dominate everything and get their way despite being CHILDREN. We at COK News do not condone violence toward kids, but the airline crew should have slapped that kid and their parent senseless. These kinds of ineffective, weak, stupid parents are why each generation is softer and less able to cope in the real world than the one before it.

Fresh off of the categorically dull "epic" film "The Odyssey," director Christopher Nolan has announced that his next project will be yet another overlong, star-studded slog, devoid of feeling, and annoyingly self-indulgent. "I want people who see my movies to never feel really anything," said Nolan. "I want to hammer them with austere visuals and dull performances for three hours or more so that they come out confused to the point that they call it amazing, lest they look stupid." Nolan is considering a few subjects for this next film, but he was certain it will be just as oppressively beige and pseudo-intellectual, using all the same gimmicks, as his other films.

The fourth season of the acclaimed comedy series "Ted Lasso" begins today, with the first episode being released on Apple TV. This new season features Ted returning to AFC Richmond to coach their struggling women's team. In a departure from previous seasons, there will be more dramatic elements with Jason Sudeikis playing Ted's evil twin Zed, who is hellbent on destroying his overly positive brother's reputation. "Zed is evil, and he will be a great villain for the season," said Sudeikis who also added storylines where Coach Beard is possessed, Rebecca gets amnesia, and Roy Kent falls to his death in an elevator shaft.

The installation of a carbon freezing chamber at the home of Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is "no cause for concern" according to aides of McConnell, who has been mysteriously absent for over a month. Speculation has swirled for weeks about McConnell's health and whether he is dead or in a vegetative state, with the release of seemingly doctored photos of him alive and well in a Kentucky hospital. The new presence of a carbon freezing chamber at his house indicates that his inner-circle may be planning to freeze the ancient senator until such time as cures for what is ailing him can be found. "Senator McConnell is fine. We are definitely not carbon freezing him. This is just to keep fruits and vegetables fresh, and no, he is not one of the vegetables," said one of McConnell's aides.

Being a shady, corrupt sleaze who associates with other slimeballs has not been working out for FIFA President Gianna Infantino. Infantino has performed a dramatic U-turn on his plot to sell a stake in FIFA's commercial and event operations after widespread condemnation of the plans. Infantino is hoping that his close relationship with President Donald Trump will be able to save his job, but just like everything Trump touches, Infantino is probably totally fucked. To see him publicly rebuked by several major confederations for his shady deal is a devastating and stunning development for Infantino. UEFA’s threat to boycott carried weight, but once Concacaf and the AFC joined in, Infantino was just as friendless as his yam-titted buddy.

Increasingly incontinent and senile, President Trump reportedly filled three diapers during the funeral for Senator Lindsey Graham at the National Cathedral in Washington on Tuesday. It was clear from watching those seated near him that the president was openly defecating in his pants during the funeral, where he also dozed off, fumbled with his Tic Tacs, and generally looked like a feeble man fighting off strokes and dementia. A Trump aide who spoke on the condition of anonymity said that Graham's death, coupled with fears of his own mortality, has made Trump's bowels even looser and more problematic lately.

Firefighters in France and Spain have managed to contain the vast wildfires near Bordeaux and Madrid, at least for now, officials in the two countries said. But they warned that the battle was far from over, with temperatures set to rise on Wednesday. Officials have warned that a combination of prolonged dry weather, gusty winds, extreme temperatures, low humidity, and the European practice of dousing flames with wine, would significantly increase the risk of new wildfires igniting and existing blazes spreading. "We are learning as we go that wine may not be the best thing to put these massive fires out," Laurent Nuñez, the French interior minister, said.

For men going to the bathroom at urinals who are standing in large puddles of liquid, they are in for a rude awakening. Over 90% of men seem to think that they are standing in mostly water, when in fact, they are standing in almost 100% other men's piss. The large puddles that are common in men's restrooms are clearly from men who are unable to keep their piss in the urinals and toilets, and instead just pee wherever, including all over the fucking floor like goddamn animals. "It's not water? Ugh, that's disgusting," said one man whose shoes are now covered in pee.

A deal to provide American nuclear technology to Saudi Arabia, expected to be announced on Wednesday, would represent a major triumph for the kingdom’s crown prince, who has been trying to seal such an agreement for more than five years. Developing a "civilian" nuclear program has been a top goal of Prince Mohammed bin Salman, but experts raised concerns that the kingdom could use the technology to pursue a nuclear weapon, spurring a new Middle East arms race. With things going so amazingly well in Iran, it only makes sense that President Trump would want to further interfere in the world's most volatile region, and give nuclear technology to the country that invented 9/11.

Prime Minister Andy Burnham used his first remarks as Britain’s new leader to proclaim the formation of his government as “the moment when Britain starts to believe again, the moment we bring back hope.” Burnham is a very popular politician from Manchester, replacing the immensely unpopular Kier Starmer, but on his first day he was met with some intense and harsh criticism. Supporters hope Burnham will revive his party’s fortunes, but his popularity is already on the decline thanks to Britain's incredibly hard-to-please and fickle voters. "I loved him this morning, but now I jus don't know. He's really put me off since then," said former Burnham supporter Gwen Dibley.

After more than a week of strikes that have unraveled an ill-fated cease-fire, the conflict between the United States and Iran stands on a knife’s edge. Now is the time, analysts say, to find a way to draw down an exponentially destructive confrontation, or risk provoking a much wider war. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has been urging for more strikes amid his overall "Rambo without a jockstrap" military policy. When asked recently why he isn't considering going to war himself, given the massive boner it gives him, Hegseth replied, "It'd be over way too quick. We can't rob our brave soldiers of the opportunity to kill our enemies. Plus, if I went over there, it wouldn't be fair to Iran." Hegseth then angrily jerked off into a copy of "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu.

Crybaby bitch boy President Donald Trump used a lot of alarming words on Thursday night as he addressed the American people about threats to the integrity of elections in the United States: “Deep state.” “Rigged and stolen.” “Conspiring.” “Manipulation.” “Corrupt.” “Fraud.” “Cover up.” The words he should have used were, "Loser." "Lost Fair and Square." "Massive Loss." Trump’s prime-time speech from the East Room of the White House was an astonishing spectacle featuring a president intent on persuading the country that its elections cannot be trusted, at least not the ones where Republicans fall short. Trump knows deep down that the GOP is in some serious shit since he has ruined literally everything in his second term so far, and wants to make sure to get ahead of what could be huge losses in 2026 with a thick fog of bullshit about election integrity.

President Trump on Monday reduced the size of two national monuments in Utah by nearly 3 million acres, teeing up a legal battle over whether presidents have the power to shrink such sites in the first place. The move was hailed by Utah's limp-dick Gov. Spencer Cox, who has rolled over like a complete bitch for Trump multiple times in recent months. During his first term, Trump similarly shrank both monuments at the urging of shitbag Republicans from Utah, opening about 2 million acres to oil drilling, uranium mining, and other development. Thankfully, Joe Biden restored the protections for the monuments because he actually has a heart and understands that we can't just rape the landscape for profit.

Lindsey "Lady G" Graham, Republican senator from South Carolina, and a onetime opponent turned stalwart ally of President Trump who was a forceful advocate for an interventionist U.S. foreign policy, died on Saturday evening. He was 71. Graham was an unmarried foreign policy hawk, who did everything he could to maintain his conservative bone fides so that it wasn't obvious (it was) that he was a self-loathing closet case known in the underground gay sex community as, "Lady G." President Trump offered his condolences on social media early Sunday, calling Mr. Graham “one of the greatest people and Senators I have ever known.” He was also mourned by the dozens of gay men whom he paid for their discretion. "I loved Lady G, she was one of my favorites. Such a little gossip in the bedroom," said one of Graham's lovers.

Bonnie Tyler, the Welsh singer who, with a frosted, teased-up coiffure and a voice both weathered and operatic, soared to No. 1 with “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” one of the titanic pop anthems of the 1980s, died on Wednesday at a hospital in Portugal. She was 75. The death was confirmed in a post on her official Facebook account, saying that she had suffered "an eternal eclipse of the heart." T"otal Eclipse of the Heart,” was her biggest hit, but not her only one. “Take Me Back,” from the same album, made it to No. 46 in the U.S. Riding the synth-pop wave, she hit No. 34 with “Holding Out for a Hero,” from the soundtrack to the 1984 movie musical “Footloose,” starring Kevin Bacon.

Reports of exactly what went on and who was at Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's lavish Madison Square Garden wedding continue to leak out. From Paul McCartney performing "I Want to Hold Your Hand" to Adam Sandler officiating, it was truly a massive celebrity-laden event. The latest nugget from the reception to come out is that actor Hugh Grant made special balloon animals based on Swift's albums for the guests. Grant reportedly made balloon hearts for "Lover," lighters for "Midnights" trees for "Evermore" and multi-colored balloon headdresses for "Life of a Showgirl."

The U.S. men’s national team came into Monday night’s round-of-16 matchup against Belgium with the chance to further galvanize a nation around their World Cup run and to get to a World Cup quarterfinal for the first time since 2002. Sadly, Belgium utterly dominated the USMNT 4-1, in what can only be described as karma, or poetic justice for Donald Trump getting his giant yam tits involved in overturning Folarin Balogun's one-game suspension, and turning everyone in the soccer world against the U.S. team and nation. Rather than just leaving something he has no understanding of alone, Trump's Midas Touch of shit was on full display as the team played its worst game of the tournament, much like how Trump jinxed the Knicks in their game 3 NBA Finals loss. It was an embarrassing stamp on a massively disappointing night for the U.S., but probably deserved, since a win would have come with a giant orange asterisk.