Confessions of A Bachelor

It's been quite awhile since I've used this space to talk. Don't get me wrong, it's a great place to talk. I've just probably been here too long.

I think I've learned that I've been searching for the wrong things for way too long.

It's also possible that I've been attracting the wrong things for way too long.

As I've got older and much more aware, I feel it's more important to work on myself than my relationship with social media.

I've lived long enough to see patterns repeat, some good, but mostly bad.

Just having breakfast in St Louis before heading to Little Rock, Arkansas for a few days. I had to be at the airport at 430 and leave my vehicle in the parking garage because nobody was gonna drive me that early LOL.

I feel as if I am in a Renaissance of myself lately.

I've been much more observant the last 6 months of myself and how I pursue evolving.

It is really true that wisdom comes with age. Anyone saying different is lying to you.

Seasons become chapters of life with such great detail as long as YOU are writing the story. Anything is possible.

Make life less complicated. I have found that it is one of the hardest but most rewarding things to do.

What a bizarre holiday weekend. Last night I went to a birthday party. Gave my oldest God-Daughter an edible, we both had one, and had a contest who could hold it together the longest. She lost. It was hilarious.

When it hit me, I was on the patio listening to wind chimes, zoning out for a bit to make sure I was focusing on being present. Big glass of ice water and 2 ounces of "The Queen's Share", an exquisite rum that sips like a whiskey.

Staying present is important for me today. It is an important date. It marks the last time I would see Beth alive. Sitting across from me, having that last conversation, unknowingly saying goodbye. Forever going in different directions.

When I got home last night I became the snack master, destroyer of the pantry, the carb crusader. I noticed I missed a couple messages. I knew the number because I had deleted her per her request. It always amazes me when I show a woman just how different I am, they go out of their way to prove I am nothing special, a dime a dozen if you will, but then refuse to leave me alone. I don't need validation on knowing I'm right.

1. Upgraded phone today. Nearly had a stroke recovering all my crypto, but I figured it out. That would have been catastrophic for me.

2. Been listening to Lana Del Rey all day. I would sign over my 401k for a shot with her.

3. The weather has been weather lately. Humid, clouds, gross. I mean the evenings are nice, but the days outside of the morning are just poopy.

4. Probably gonna be an edible dance party this evening at the Allen house. May break off Yums a sliver and let her run around the backyard.

5. I've been having honest conversations with the only lady in my life. Doing the hard work first. Her talking about being adopted. Me talking about my trust and abandonment issues. Understanding one another is so fucking important to me. I won't consider dating if I can't get to know you first on an intimate level.

6. Hookup culture has ruined dating. I want to know someone's soul before I open up all the wildly inappropriate things that make up having sex with me on a regular basis.

Got home late and stopped by my parents and my mom gave me this gem.

1993 8th Grade Graduation.

Drenched in my imitation Gucci. My mother said I begged to have this shirt.

Got home late and stopped by my parents and my mom gave me this gem.

1993 8th Grade Graduation.

Drenched in my imitation Gucci. My mother said I begged to have this shirt.

1. There is a big part of me that wants to fry some bacon and scramble some eggs right now.

2. Today was a perfect balance of events. A rare occasion where everything flowed beautifully. Seamless.

3. I spent the majority of the day out and about. It rained most of the day, whereas normally I'd be bleh about it, today it just felt right.

4. Lunch with my parents before heading downtown with a buddy for happy hour. Hanging out long enough to be a part of a wave of people coming and going.

If you haven't tried the Sunny D Seltzer's, please do. They slap. Go hard in the paint. All that shit. I hated Sunny D growing up.

I got home last night from doing a 3 day leg from Wichita, Kansas, to the Texas line and back. I was exhausted this morning. I slept in til 9. I usually get up at 4.

I turn 44 next Thursday and I've been in a mood about it. It's fine and I'm happy to be here, but I catch myself wanting more, or being envious. I know better. It's not the Jedi way.

I tried writing all 5, but it got too personal.

I opted for making dinner, having 2 fingers of bourbon, and taking pictures of Yums...

A woman with whom I've been speaking to told me last night that she feels that I have superior intimate relationships and that she felt intimated by that.

At first, I felt insulted, but once I thought about it, internally, I felt like what a great compliment because it's true. Majority of my relationships with women are very intimate and personal. Why the fuck would I change that?

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. OKC edition.

Up at 4am. Down in the hotel gym at 430. Breakfast at 6.

Get chased by hail and tornados on Wednesday. It's a midwest thing. I could literally smell it in the air yesterday.

I always focus on doing something positive everyday. You would shocked how easy it is to take a minute of time to listen or even smile at someone. I. Do. This. Everyday. I am just a humble man making his way across the galaxy.

Today, I worked an event and just listened to people. In my industry, women are largely ignored, and when I work these events, I focus solely on the women. It's a "good ole boy" industry, and I am not that.

I could give 2 shits what the men are doing in my business, I want to gossip with the women. The "good ole boys" largely dismiss them and that's their loss. Same goes with the gay community. I love PEOPLE. You can so much by just paying attention!

I am currently smoking a bean dip/queso on Texas Post Oak and Sweet Cherry. I just did my 1st stir while it smokes. Tried it, and nearly jizzed my pants.

I have been traveling every week for 4 days a week since Feb 12th. I am due for some self care and take a break here very soon. I feel like a tourist in my own city.

Spending so much time in hotels gets very lonely. You definitely have to take time to remind yourself what you're working towards, and never show how fucking burnt out I am.

I can't wait to catch a couple baseball games this year. I need to take advantage of my vacation time and get my ass back to Chicago. I haven't done anything for myself since 2019.

This week was a challenge. It was difficult to balance work and what was going on internally.

It did get better and I'm grateful for it. It is absolutely beautiful here today and it's nice to have the windows open.

Thursday would have been Beth's 44th birthday and I felt it creeping up on me all week.

You learn to work through those moments and try not to ignore them

Work has been a challenge, but only because business is good and growing. I have to remind myself this is where I've wanted to be since I started 23 years ago.

At the gym, I am beginning to not focus on time. I usually spend an hour a half there each visit, but lately, I've been aloof and letting myself go longer.

It's rare to have days like this, but I am grateful for them.

Laundry is done, suitcases repacked, vehicle is ready to go. I have accepted my Monday schedule. Gym 415am-530. Shower. Leave the state immediately. 4 hr drive to first stop of the week.

Today though, I have my smoker fired up and rolling. Burgers, brats, and peppers bathing in oak. It is beautiful outside with no wind, just a stillness that makes me appreciate the moment.

It's nice to have a couple windows open to have fresh air moving

around. Yums has been moving in and about freely. College basketball is on (muted) and music playing from genre to genre.

1. I took 3 hits of the chronic before going to the grocery store and somehow I was there for an hour and spent a bunch of money and I have no clue what I was doing.

2. It was great.

3. Last night I hung out with a friend for happy hour and our waitress was named Delaney and I think that's a beautiful name. I made sure to tell her before we departed.

4. It was a W for rizz.

5. Sativa always makes me wanna go do stuff and it's kinda meh outside so I'll probs scroll tik tok or start listening to music.

6. I'm either gonna make tacos or pork stir fry for dinner. I could also continue to get ripped and order a cheese pizza w/ hot honey. It should be entertaining.

Hi y'all.

It's been a long week. Felt like a full moon everyday this week.

I had several days of 7 hr windshield time days that knocked me out of my gym routine for the first time in 4 months.

One of my top commercial buyers asked me this week why I never had kids or got married and it hasn't sat well with me. I'll be 44 this year and nobody had asked me that in years.