salt air ,

what if all i need is you?

love to think you'll never forget.

i'll pay the price, you won't.

but if i'm all dressed up, they might as well be looking at us.

if they call me a slut, you know it might be worth it for once.

if i'm going to be drunk, might as well be drunk in love.

everyone wants him. that was my crime.

we'll pay the price, i guess.

you're not saying you're in love with me.

it might blow up in your pretty face.

i'm not saying "do it anyway," but you're going to.

we're a shot in the darkest dark.

i'm holding out hope for you to say, "don't go."

i would stay forever if you say "don't go."

why'd you have to lead me on?

why'd you have to twist the knife?

why'd you whisper in the dark just to leave me in the night?

you kiss me and it stops time.

i'm yours, but you're not mine.

i was trying to see the cards that you won't show.

why'd you have to give me nothing back?

why'd you have to make me love you?

i said, "i love you," you say nothing back.

did you get anxious though, on the way home?

from the outside, it looks like you're trying lives on.

i miss the old ways, you didn't have to change.

i cannot be your friend, so i pay the price of what i lost.

truth is, i can't pretend it's platonic, it's just ended.

guess maybe i am better off now that we don't talk.

the only way back to my dignity was to turn into a shrouded mystery.

you were so magnetic, it was almost obnoxious.

i didn't come here to make friends.

when you hold me, it holds me together.

you kiss me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever.

you'd be more than a chapter in my old diaries with the pages ripped out.

i know that you still remember.

i broke my own heart 'cause you were too polite to do it.

you don't knock anymore, and my whole life's ruined.

you dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor.

you search in every maiden's bed for something greater.

baby, was it over then?

and is it over now?

did you think i didn't see you?

at least i had the decency to keep my nights out of sight.

oh lord, i think about jumping off of very tall somethings, just to see you come running.

if she's got blue eyes, i will surmise that you'll probably date her.

i was hoping you'd be there.

❝  what does ‘happy’ feel like?  ❞

❝  i think the real ‘monsters’ are the ones who create the monstrous things.  ❞

❝  broken things aren’t always ruined.  ❞

❝  healing isn’t always about putting yourself back together the way you were.  it’s about making something new out of the pieces that are left.  ❞

❝  they stole my voice.  this is me taking it back.  ❞

❝  dying isn’t so bad…it’s the leaving.  going away when you haven’t really even gotten to do anything yet.  ❞

❝  quiet.  the ghosts are talking.  ❞

❝  i think sometimes,  some people are just meant to carry pain.  ❞

❝  i’m not sure what love is supposed to feel like.  i’ve never really had it before…but i know i feel good with you.  warm.  like home.  ❞

❝  there are some things worse than death.  would you like to see them?  ❞

❝  you can get used to any pain.  but loneliness,   that’s what makes you break.  ❞

❝  the only thing that saved me was me.  ❞

❝  i didn’t survive…i just didn’t die.  there’s a difference.  ❞

❝  please stop lying i’m trying to think.  ❞

❝  i’ve always been at home among the haunted things.  ❞

❝  the world is too big.  and i don’t know how to be in it anymore.  ❞

❝  i’ve seen what ‘bad’ looks like.  you’re one of the good ones,  trust me.  ❞

❝  i think i’m afraid to heal,  because that means i can be broken again.  ❞

❝  there is good in the world.  i know there is.  i just don’t think i get to have it in my life.  ❞

❝  you have to hold on to the little joys when you find them.  ❞

❝  everything in nature is about balance.  i think the spiritual world is like that too.  maybe,  if my life is so filled with darkness and hurt,  someone else out there is getting nothing but light and warmth.  someone who deserves it.  ❞

❝  i don’t want to hide anymore.  ❞

❝  sometimes it’s easier to believe there’s something wrong with me.  it’s easier than if i didn’t deserve all those things and people knew that and chose to hurt me anyway.  that just seems worse somehow.  ❞

❝  you have a very messy brain.  ❞

❝  do you think the moon gets lonely?  ❞

❝  when i was little i used to believe fairies made it rain.  i think i just wanted the world to feel magical.  ❞

❝  people always go away.  even if they don’t mean to.  no one stays.  ❞

❝  anything can be a cage.  ❞

❝  at least,  no one can touch my soul.  that’s mine.  that will always be mine.  ❞

❝  time doesn’t speak to me.  ❞

❝  embrace your chaos…hug your demons.  ❞

❝  there are things you can never forget once you know them.  ❞

❝  don’t go poking around this stuff…it pokes back.  ❞

❝  i just live in each second as it comes.  that’s all i have.  ❞

❝  the only thing we can really control is ourselves.  but there’s a power in that.  only you get to decide what kind of person all the hard things turn you into.  ❞

❝  i feel like i don’t know much of anything anymore.  ❞

❝  a body is just something you’re stuck inside.  it’s not really you.  just a place to stay for a little while.  ❞

❝  i don’t know why people like to hurt me.  they just do.  ❞

❝  i killed him but,  now there’s a mess.  ❞

❝  i want to help.  please?  i just want to do something good.  ❞

❝  i’m not very brave.  or strong.  i broke.  they broke me…but i’m still here.  ❞

❝  i got blood on my dress.  i really like that dress.  ❞

❝  there are so many secrets in my head i never asked for.  ❞

❝  i’m in here.  i’m inside this body.  there’s still a person in here and it’s mine.   it’s my body.  i’m tired of so many people acting like it isn’t.  ❞

❝  i don’t really sleep much anymore.  but it’s okay,  someone has to keep the moon company.  ❞

❝  i’m so angry.  it’s always there.  but if i let it out i’m afraid i’ll never stop.  ❞

❝  i didn’t think i’d still be alive by now.  i’m not really sure what to do now that i am.  ❞

❝  everyone’s a little bit broken.  but it’s okay.  broken things can be pretty too.  that’s how mosaics are made.  ❞

❝  i don’t want anyone to hurt the way i’ve hurt.  no one deserves that kind of pain.  ❞

❝  i’ll be gentle with your heart.  ❞

❝  i like your soul.  it’s beautiful.  ❞

❝  you have a pretty brain.  ❞

❝  the pain gets better.  it won’t go away completely but.  you get used to it.  it will get easier to breathe,  bit by bit until you don’t really notice it anymore.  ❞

❝  let me make it better.  please?  ❞

❝  you’re hurting.  i can tell.  you don’t have to hide it.  ❞

❝  you can’t hurt me in a way i haven’t already survived.  ❞

❝  the thing about being broken,  is it’s already done.  you know you can get through anything after that.  ❞

❝  people are kind of like art.  everyone is going to see something different when they look at you.  ❞

❝  i choose to help people because no one helped me.  i want to be that person for others that i needed.  ❞

❝  fucking dumbasshole.  ❞

@con2ad. his words come as a shock, but not a surprise. the words that she wants to say are too hard to speak: you're a little too late. but she doesn't say it. his words were not of venom, they were a plea for a higher power, speaking to her, no, calling to her as if she was some angel who responded to prayers by lovestruck men. but it wasn't so simple anymore. she was no amor, no eros. she would not be distracted by what her heart wanted so desperately right now. this was right now, she tries to convince herself, but her heart sighs at her, taunts her with the facts she'd been thinking about conrad every day, that she would dream of him. dream of his kiss. she had even dreamt of this, the very moment he wanted her back. the moment he would fight for her, that he would stop letting her go all the damn time. but it was too late now, she was going to marry jeremiah. her best friend. it was the best for everyone ... right? it had to be. laurel hated the idea though, adam had too. but conrad hadn't just hated it, he'd been so hurt. and she couldn't deny the fact that she hadn't wanted him to find out. not that she didn't love jeremiah, she was so sure she could be happy with him. happy and safe, a nice future. but she hadn't wanted her first love to know, which seemed silly, considering it was his brother.

they were alone in the beach house now, which had been a recipe for disaster, the incoming disaster that was this whole conversation. jeremiah was working an internship in his father's company, belly was prepping the wedding at the beach, which was slowly turning into a nightmare more than a fantasy. nothing was the way she wanted it to be, but it felt like she had no say in it. she wasn't the one paying, and jeremiah seemed to think it was just another reason to party. beck would've known what to do. she would've given belly some kind of world changing advice, a warm hug and one of her most magic smiles, and then the world wouldn't seem like some stranger who's face she could not recognize.

maybe it would be easier if conrad was that. some stranger, a distant memory. but he wasn't. he was the throb in her heart, he was the storm in her head. he made her feel lightheaded, her heart started to pound so fast and loud she has to reach out, grabbing the fireplace. which wasn't helpful. she thinks about the first time they were together intimately, right here. something she hadn't shared with jeremiah yet. they hadn't been together like that. most of the time she thinks of it as something romantic, they were waiting for their big romantic moment. but in reality ... she's holding back, she doesn't want to give up that part of her. she doesn't want to release the last grip conrad fisher has on her. ( lies, lies, lies ) if beck could see her now, she'd know she was lying. she would know that it was different with conrad, it had been destiny that night. the fireworks had lit them ablaze and they had each other's firsts. it never had to be a choice, because it was always right. no time at all had she felt like that for his brother. she was safe with jeremiah, he would never hurt her like that. but he'd given it to lacie barone. even before then, she hadn't been ready, but now she felt repulsed and wrong. it didn't feel special. closing her eyes as she keeps listening to the echo of his words in her head. he'd spoken it so softly too, she wonders if she imagined it. don't marry him. as if her own voices in her head hadn't said the same multiple times. but could she do this all over? break one of their hearts, tear apart their families. what was the alternative even? run away to california with conrad? hide from the disappointment and wrath of everyone? avoid seeing jeremiah's blues turn into a drowned man's ocean? the thought makes her nauseous.

@be1ly leaned against the fireplace, and whatever last thread was holding together the shards of conrad's broken heart finally snapped. it shattered into a million little pieces, too small to ever be put back together again. the beach house didn't feel special anymore. whatever magic was left in that house was buried with susannah. it was gone. after fighting so hard to save the beach house, this was the first time he came back. he made up excuses about school and summer classes to maintain his gpa and he missed an entire summer in cousins. conrad didn't even want to be there, but what choice did he have? his brother was getting married. she was getting married. jeremiah was marrying belly. he was getting conrad's fairytale. conrad's happily ever after. he was getting conrad's infinity.

conrad hadn't dated since belly. well, that's not to say he didn't try. because he did. a lot. two years was a long time, and conrad went on a lot of dates, even had a couple girls that would have considered themselves his girlfriend. but it never worked out. and when it was happening, conrad would have acted like he didn't know what was going on. like he didn't know why none of his sad excuses for relationships didn't work out. but looking back now, he knew why. because he never fell out of love with his first love. and he compared every girl to belly. when a girl laughed, it just made him miss belly's laugh. he even had one girlfriend who's favorite candy was swedish fish. maybe he should have introduced that girl to his brother.

"do you ever think about it?" conrad mused out loud, pushing a hand through his hair as he leaned his back against the wall next to the fireplace. ( that way he didn't have to look at the fireplace. he didn't have to look at belly either, or the damn ring on her finger. ) "that summer. autumn leaves falling. snow on the beach." he let out a wry, humorless chuckle, shaking his head. that was the year that everything changed. he started falling in love with belly in the summer. but she wasn't just his summer girl anymore. they continued their friendship into the fall, and fell out of their minds in love with each other in the winter. she was the rare shining star in the darkest time of his life. she was his happiness. she was his light.

she said his name and he swallowed the boulder in his throat, turning ninety degrees to look at her. it was the first time he really let himself see her since he left. and she was so fucking beautiful he couldn't stand it. she was the same old belly he knew and loved, but there were subtle changes in her features. anyone else would have overlooked the subtle lines around her eyes or the near nonexistent tilt on her lips. she was getting older, they both were. for the first time since they were born, he didn't spend his summer with her. two years had passed with almost no communication between them at all. just the compulsory birthday messages they exchanged.

isabel conklin was a stranger. no, she wasn't going to be isabel conklin anymore. she was going to be isabel fisher. but she wasn't going to be his wife. what kind of cruel joke was the universe playing on him? forcing conrad to be the best man watching his brother marry the love of his life. "i do." he didn't mean to say those two words like that, but the irony was not lost on him and he let out a single beat of dry laughter. "no, no. you're right." he was doing it again, that thing he did where he hurt himself to protect the ones he loved. that was what conrad did, it was all he was good for. except he wasn't very good at it. if he were a better person, a better man, he would not be asking her what he did. but he wasn't. and he did. "i didn't mean it. that's what you want me to say, right?"