dirty thing

idfk what to do or how to describe whats going on with my sexuality right now. like every time someone approaches me sexually I feel repulsed. I hate commitment because I feel trapped by it but I also hate the idea of being discarded after sex. I dont want to approach anyone sexually or be in any sort of control but I cant stand the idea of submitting to anyone because of the ways people have degraded me for doing so outside of scenes when ive directly asked them not to. so many people say so much out of pocket shit to me In Real Life based off an idea they have of me from stuff I post online and I just dont feel safe expressing myself in any space irl or online anymore. ive been harassed at every job ive had. and then I have a coworker posting shit like "ex swers opinions dont have any weight because they worked for 6 months made no money and hated it" and calling me a braindead gooner because I said tmes shouldn't use femboy. like sorry im a hole of self pity and anger and im making us look bad by not being good at my job I guess?? not to mention the girl who came onto me sexually, constantly made jokes implying she wanted me as her dog, put her feet on my dick while she had a monogamous boyfriend and I repeatedly told her I didnt want anything that "wasnt allowed" because im scared of men, especially men with a reason to be mad at me, who asked for help setting up an account on the site I used most then when I got there decided she didnt want to because "its like letting men rape you" which to be honest was a breaking point for me and I havent been able to use that site since. idfk this is just angry ramblings at this point. I wish I had friends that I could trust to hold me and keep their hands to themselves. I wish I could make money without having to publicize my sexuality. I wish I could work an actual job without my body giving out. I wish I could believe in an idea of romance that gave me security to be taken care of without isolating me completely with jealousy. I wish I could believe in a sense of community that allows me to exist as I am, that allows me space and time to recover. im just so tired. im so tired !! im so tired im si tired im so tired im so tired im so tired im so tired im so tired

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