Comedy by Red

I don't get the concept of hazing. A guy will let a bunch of other people beat the crap out of him so that they can become friends after? That is definitely not the way I want to start a relationship with someone. 

This behaviour is very weird to me. What happens post-hazing? Like do you instantly become friends with the people that almost murdered you?

"Pare, salamat nga pala at muntik mo nakong pinatay ah! Gusto mo mag-dinner bukas? Dun tayo sa Greenbelt kasi 'di masyado matarik yung mga disabled ramp dun e."

And I'm not just complaining about the hazers. What about the hazees? How desperate are the people joining these frats/gangs? Can they not make any friends without getting an ass whooping?

Anyways, I think we all agree these totally barbaric physical initiations are terrible. Luckily, I, Red Ollero, a creative-genius-solution-maker have thought of totally cool ways to accept a person into your brotherhood. 

1. Get a cup of coffee

There are a lot of coffee places in our country. But, I suggest you go to a Figaro branch so you can order their Kapeng Barako, since ya'll are super macho. The only injury you can get here is a burnt tongue, or maybe a burnt something else when the coffee spills on you. But at least you won't need crutches the day after. 

2. Watch a movie together

22 Jumpstreet. The Raid 2. Transformers 4. There are a lot of movies out there for serious bro-on-bro bonding. Maybe it's best when you let actors do the fake-macho shit for you and watch him fake-beat-up another actor. This way, you get to feed your testostric-urges but nobody needs to go to the doctor!

3. Buy him a beer

You know what's better than beer? FREE BEER! Everybody loves free stuff, and if you want to earn the love and support of someone. Don't have him hit you over the head with a bottle, buy him one!

4. Play sports with him

Nothing builds camaraderie than a nice round of contact sport. Here, physical contact is totally ok! And there are rules that penalize those who abuse it. Indulge your macho-ninity here boys, here you can rub bodies against each other until you all smell the same. Now that's brotherhood!

5. Invite him over to your place

Nothing spells trust more than inviting someone to where you live. Here you can let your friends take a peek into your soul. At home, you have absolute control over your guests enjoyment. And if you're a good host, they'd invite you over to their place and return the favor. Hospitality! NOT HOSPITALS!

1. Clothes hangers make great weapons.

For some reason my mom always used a plastic clothes hanger to discipline us. It was very effective, and versatile as well! She can throw it like a Xena Warrior Princess chakram, or use it at melee range! 

She also gets very creative with it at times. She would hurl those hangers at us, have us pick it up, give it back to her, go back to our previous position, and she'd throw it at us again! That's like different paradigms of discipline right there!

2. Always give your loved ones a reality-check.

There's a a very distinct difference between, "Red! Tigilan mo na yang Ruffles! Antaba mo na!" and...

"Red! Tigilan mo na yang Ruffles! Antaba-taba mo na! DI KA BA TITIGIL? Wala nang magkasyang damit sa'yo! Parang-awa mo na! Paano ka magkakaasawa niyan? Tatanda kang sakitin, tapos wala kang asawa, walang mag-aalaga sa'yo! Sinong magpupunas ng pwet mo, 'pag di ka na makabangon sa kama mo? Ako?! Naka quota na 'ko sa dinami-dami ng tinae mo nung bata ka pa!"

Sometimes you need someone to remind you of the world's endless possibilities!

3. Boxing and wrestling moves aren't just for the ring.

They are also great ways to remind someone that they should clean their rooms or go home earlier on a weekday. Over the years, it has taught me and my siblings how to defend ourselves too. But there was this one time my mom faked a right to the body, then continue with a left hook on top. My brother didn't expect that!

My mom is also an excellent hair-grabber because she really likes it. I can tell, 'coz when I'm growing my hair too long, she would always remind me of her passion!

4. A "Mass Castration" will save our nation.

Just wanted to share one of the things my mom would do when she's president. She wanted to castrate any man, with children but doesn't have the appropriate income to support them. This is how I know my mom takes parenting very seriously. She elaborated that, people who can't support their kids and giving them a chance at life, don't deserve having them. A bit drastic, but I think cutting off balls will be a more effective way of controlling population and poverty than the RH Bill.

5. Resilience.

Over the course of her recent life. My mom has gone through a megaton of shit. She's been exposed to gamma rays to deal with her brain tumor, she's been cut open so many times on the operating table, once to have a huge organ removed and another time to have titanium installed on her crumbling neck. Not to mention having a know-it-all child who prefers to pursue a career in stand-up comedy rather than use the years of education she paid for. 

There are probably more things, sorry if I've forgotten about it, but the point here is my mom always led by example. Every time I feel like the world is against me, I look at what she's done in those conditions and I immediately realize I fail in comparison. So I instantly stop feeling shitty, and trudge through the mud, just because I KNOW for a fact she would've done it, and she would've succeeded, with both arms tied behind her back.

I will be doing stand-up comedy with Comedy Manila tonight at KEG in The Fort Strip. Entrance is FREE! Please support Filipino stand-up comedy

Recently, the Malacañang Palace addressed our public transportation system problems by simply suggesting to MRT commuters to "try other modes of transportation bitchez" (I may be paraphrasing). But they weren't clear on the specific types of alternative transportation they could take, so here they are in detail:

1. Bus

Recommended for: Surfers, Wakeboarders, and all "Extreme Sports Enthusiasts" (Ultimate Frisbee not included)

Do you like to ride the waves on weekends, hang loose or get stoked? Then the bus is for you! Nothing simulates the rough waves you ride in Baler than an under-maintained, rotting, and rusting suspension of a bus. The ride also comes with the haunting feeling of death, so you could still feel the thrill outside of the weekends! Some buses actually have TVs, and since we get the worst traffic jams in the world, you could easily burn through a TV series-season on your trip home. Time wise, that's exactly like driving to La Union broooo!

2. Pedicab

Recommended for: Not fat people, Mga ayaw lumusong sa baha.

The Pedicab is the number 1 leading cause of human trafficking in the Philippines. Coz, you know, it causes traffic, with humans. *Chuckle* *Chuckle* *Giggle* *Giggle*! But in all honesty, the only thing that should stop you from taking a Pedicab is obesity. I'm pretty sure there's a human right violation of enlisting a padyak to take our 300lb lard-bellies from one place to another.

Other than being fat ass, you can never be too cool for Pedicabs, especially when Pulp Fiction director Quentin Tarantino happily rode one. That's approval from a person coming from a superior nation and race! Therefore, it is irrefutable, right colonial mentality fans? 

3. Angkas Motorbike

Recommended for: Homophobes

For any sexist, close-minded, homophobes out there I recommend riding in tandem in motorbikes. Hugging another man, while zig-zagging through EDSA will surely shock the prejudice out of your judgy-body (c'mon dude, it's 2014!). Remember to keep a tight grip though, as inhaling vehicle-fumes combined with that dried-sweat smell from the foam of your borrowed helmet may be nauseating, possibly, addictive. 

4. Jeepney

Recommended for: Art-lovers.

Ahh the jeepney, once a symbol of our bustlin' city, now a mere stainless steel air pollutant with weird names and pictures on it. As my buddy GB Labrador would say, it's the only time you'll see Captain America, Iron Man and Mama Mary all in one picture! But art-lovers you should love this, I mean if you can appreciate splatters of paint on canvas, then this MARVEL x BIBLE collab should be pretty mind-blowing to you. 

5. Private Car w/ Private Police Escort

Recommended for: Politicians, religious leaders, run-of-the-mill rich assholes.

When PNoy abolished the use of the wang wang, "VIPs" resorted to a totally more humble way to tell people to "get out of the way or else we we'll murder you in front of your children" (again I may be paraphrasing) This method is the mobile police escort, a more effective use of taxes and manpower in our country! We don't hear the sirens anymore, thank you mr. President! All we hear now is a motorized stampede with an environmental footprint the size of Jupiter. That's totally better, way better!

BTW this method is the only thing going on right now that can transport a person from one place to another without hassle. How convenient that the people telling us to go find alternate modes of transportation are the ones who have access to this kind of privilege! 

6. Ambulance

Recommended for: Emos, masochists, weird people who cut themselves for attention.

Here's an idea that's never been done before. Note that this only works if you go to work near a hospital. How about injuring yourself every time you're going to work. Turn that ambulance into a personal limo-service! And if you're an emo teenboy who's already cutting yourself for attention, you can turn that negative into a positive! And if your attenton-seeking ass doesn't make it, and dies, that's turning a negative into an even greater positive!

7. Zip-line

Recommended for: EVERYONE!

Who says reading my blog is a complete waste of time? (my parents!) My comedy is a rich source of ideas and have raised awareness in a lot of long standing issues in our country. So MMDA listen up, I will only say this once (and publish it on this blog once, where you can keep coming back and read it again and again, on demand.)

Since every tourist/vacation spot in our country has one anyway, why not put a zip-line across EDSA? Now I have given this invention a deeper purpose! You're welcome, Tesla! It's cheap, it's fast and it's definitely more fun than sardine-ing yourself inside a train. I am donating this idea for free, and anyone who's willing to execute this may use this idea freely. My only request is that you name it after me, so that I may leave my mark in making this great nation, greater!

Red Ollero = Nation Building Comedian. 

Oh no Internet! Manny Pacquiao just won his fight, hold on people! Let's brace for a tornado of assholes on our news feeds!

1. The Pseudo Expert

Stand back everyone, the master has posted his post-fight analysis! Bow down before his Larry Merchant-esque dissertation he magically whipped up even without ever wearing a pair of gloves in his life. Who needs experience when you have bullshit? I mean, how lucky are we? He publishes these expert break-downs exclusively on our news feeds! Why the hell should I pay for a subscription to Ring Magazine when you're Facebook friends with the next Quinito Henson?

2. Mr. I-Told-You-So

He knew it! He told you the fight was going to end via DECISION and he was right! He was right! He's so right, he even posted a screenshot of his bold prediction he made the day before. He damn sure showed the world. His knowledge of the sport surely helped him pick the right permutation out of the TWO possible outcomes of the match. That's like flipping a coin yo, no one else can do what he just did!

3. The Pacquiao Hater

Who cares if Pacquiao wins? He doesn't! Because when you're a hard-to-please, unimportant citizen like him, winning isn't enough. After all, the greatest boxer of this generation has to win the respect of a totally anonymous, and ordinary person such as him! The best is only the best, if it fits his exceptional standards! Being the only 8-division world champion ever, in the history of the sport, does not qualify Pacquiao to be one of the greatest. Nope, not according to him. That's just unthinkable! After all he has accomplished so much more. SOOOOO MUCH MOOOORE!

4. The Too-Cool-For-Pacquiao Guy

Whoa! Whoa! There was a Pacquiao fight? I'm sorry he was too busy NOT CARING. And proudly so, as blatantly implied during his live-tweeting of a Downton Abbey marathon while the fight was going on. Oh shit his twitter-feed is so different from us lowly boxing-watchers! Not giving a shit and telling the whole world all about it is so freakin' cool. Let's face it guys, he's the clear winner in life, we live in the shadow cast by the AWESOME generated by his intentional obliviousness.

5. The Rich Bandwagoning Non-Fan Who Watched The Fight Live

Does she like boxing? No! Does she go on Instagram and make it appear she likes boxing? Yes! What's wrong with that? After all, sports are not about competitiveness, appreciating the sweet science of the game or loyalty to a team or athlete. Of course not! It's just a quick elevator ride to the upper echelon of society! OMG her friend got a new porsche? Quick, call daddy and counter that shit with VIP Tickets to the biggest fight of the year! Fuck all the real fans in her news feed, they've been watching Pacman since the start? Well, she barely even watched in Macau, 'coz she was too busy taking #selfies. After all, the world her friends need to know she was there supporting Manny.

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BTW, Here's how it felt like while I was typing this post. 

I'll be doing a benefit comedy show with the Comedy Cartel, this Nov 25 and 26 at Teatrino. Proceeds will go to Yolanda victims!

My comedy buddies, Eri Neeman, GB Labrador and Alex Calleja will doing a show this December 9 at Greenbelt Cinemas. Check out the poster for details!

We are the Great Union of True Obese Men! (G.U.T.O.M.)

And we are boycotting the Philippine Daily Inquirer until they meet our demands!

Another collab with Victor Anastacio. I've been with him in the country's small stand-up circuit around 6 years now. Recently, we started doing these comedy sketches. And I love it because It gives me so much opportunities to explore my capabilities as an actor.  This sketch in particular, explores the humor generated by juxtaposition. We explore a classic contrasting technique and we put it in the light of a familiar topic. 

It took me around 2-3 months to prepare for this role, and I love the outcome! 

Great acting on my part!