"officer friendly."

❝ Oh, isn’t it nice to be suddenly so highly regarded. ❞ ❝ I was under the impression that you were sent to spy on me. ❞ ❝ Do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrials? ❞ ❝ Don’t jeopardize the future of your own efforts. ❞  ❝ Sucker. ❞ ❝ Oooh – if you were that stoned, what? ❞ ❝ You think if maybe we ignore him, he’ll go away? ❞ ❝ They’ve been here for a long, long time. ❞ ❝ Do you think I’m spooky? ❞ ❝ Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior? ❞ ❝ This is the essence of science. You ask an impertinent question and you’re on your way to a pertinent answer. ❞ ❝ She should be encouraged to tell her story, not to keep it inside, it’s important that you let her. ❞ ❝ The truth has caused me nothing but heartache, I don’t want the same thing for her. ❞ ❝ I know I should be afraid, but I’m not. ❞ ❝ I want to believe. ❞ ❝ I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation. ❞ ❝ I’m a pain in the ass to work with. ❞ ❝ Loss of freedom does funny things to a man. ❞ ❝ Leave it there. ❞ ❝ I have to admit, that fulfilled one of my boyhood fantasies. ❞ ❝ Sooner or later, a man’s got to face his demons. ❞ ❝ Open yourself up to extreme possibilities only when they’re the truth. ❞ ❝ I’m afraid of the truth. ❞ ❝ I think it’s remotely plausible that someone might think you’re hot. ❞ ❝ I’m wondering which lie to believe. ❞ ❝ Ninety-nine percent of the people in this world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion. ❞ ❝ God never lets the Devil steal the show. ❞ ❝ They told me that even though my deodorant is made for a woman, it’s strong enough for a man. ❞ ❝ I think I’m going to suggest we sleep with the lights on. ❞ ❝ If there’s an iced tea in that bag, could be love. ❞ ❝ Does this pitch somehow end with a way for me to lower my long distance charges? ❞ ❝ Trust no one. ❞

oh ricky

you want your muse to be an ass to mine? that’s fine – just don’t whine when your muse doesn’t come out of it unscathed. 

1. fuck this is in an era where saying fuck is sort of jarring so what the fuck do I express their cussing with 2. Maybe they just won’t cuss that’s fine OH or I’ll say they swore 3. FUCK this is an era where saying ‘dick’ also kind of doesn’t fit the narrative and so help me if I ever write throbbing member seriously ban me from the internet 4. I need to write modern smut, then I can really use these new shower sex tips I got 5. The baby driver sound track is really good for this because RHYTHM 6. FUCKING LOGISTICS like literally though, fuck logistics and the logistics of fucking, no one probably wants to read about how clothes come off and where limbs are but I am twitchy enough to need to describe it. 7. Oh my word. This is the least sexy sex I’ve ever written god damn it this is supposed to be a hot and heavy closet quickie WHY ARE YOU TALKING SO MUCH 8. OH God I’m bad at this 9. Stop being sentimental, characters, and just give into the biological impulses please 10. Is this what it’s like for everyone? Do you regularly feel like you have no control over your own story? God I need some discipline 11. Fuck where was I right trying to get their clothes off let’s try this again. Ugh this is frustrating 12. ALSO LOTS OF GOOGLING 13. Okay so realistically stuff would be falling off shelves I personally think that’s hilarious maybe readers will too 14. Look at all this deep heated emotion and sex and wham there goes a jar of plums and some lanterns oops 15. I am procrastinating

WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER, fellow struggling smut slingers.

Some Regan kisses, because we can always use more of that